Do you ever look back and think "was I really that dumb"?

[box84]

Our relationship was around 6 years off and on. We broke up for the final time last year. I am not going to bs you-I loved her more than I have ever loved anyone in my life. She loved me too. I don't doubt that. Through the course of our relationship, she cheated on me at least a couple of times that I know of, and left me for other people a couple more times. She sacrificed me again and again when something "better" came along.

 

We would always get back together. We had this crazy connection right from the beginning. The screwed up kindred spirit thing. She would leave me but always come back.

 

About a year ago she met a guy. We were just dating at the time and of course she ended it with me to be with him. They became close rather quickly and I watched and felt drift away from me more than she ever had before. I watched her fall in love with someone else. That hurt, but I accepted it.

 

We got more distant with one another but remained friends and never really broke communication. I was okay with the fact that she had a new boyfriend because I felt she was happy with him and that he treated her well. I accepted that fact that I was not and have never been that person to her (for whatever reason) but she found it with him.

 

A couple of months ago she started calling and texting me more. She invited me to lunch, and after the lunch together she began calling even more. Eventually, she told me that she missed me and that she still loved me. She told me that she felt confused about me and confused about her boyfriend.

 

After about a week of hanging out she told me that she broke up with her boyfriend, but that she was still confused about the both of us. I told her that I understood and was not expecting anything from her. We got closer again and started sleeping together. It felt good. And I realized that I still loved her and wanted her as strongly as I had ever had.

 

After a few weeks she started disappearing on me. She became cold, distant, different. I asked her if anything was wrong and she told me everything was fine. A few more days of this and finally I receive a text in the morning telling me that she still loved her "ex" boyfriend and that they had never actually broke up. She told me she wasnt completely truthful about it and that she had hurt both him and me and that she had unfinished business with him and needed to figure things out. I was upset. Angry about being lied to. But I tried to understand. She asked me to please stay in her life and not go away, I told her I would try, but I needed some time.

 

From that text on everything changed. She cut me away, shut me out, threw me away like a piece of trash. She didn't call, didn't apologize, didn't text---just gone. I did the pathetic thing of course---told her exactly how I felt about what she did, expressed my hurt and anger, and asked her to be truthful to her words and not just throw me out of her life.

 

She twisted everything. Began to blame me. Began treating me like a stranger, a nuisance, etc. She just went away. I felt so betrayed and used. I was angry and hurt for weeks.

 

And then I realized--I have remained loyal and understanding to this girl for 6 years. I have stood beside her through everything. And yet she can still sacrifice me and throw me away whenever she gets tired of this. She doesn't see who I have been to her, she doesn't respect me nor regard me as something important in her life. She has shown me just how expendable I am. I feel incredibly foolish for the last 6 years. But I don't feel foolish for loving her. I know she obviously has issues and I know one day she will look back and see what she has lost. I just hope I can make it through this pain, because right now it is so tough.

 

Day 7 of NC. No word from her.

 

My questions are: Have you ever been through something similar? why do you think she did what she did? Do you believe she actually loved me? And how can I regain my power and self respect back?

Edited May 8, 2013 by box84

[todreaminblue]

Yes I have had this happen ....what struck me from your post ...is the "till something better came along"

 

 

I was always the constant in his life....weathered the storms, and the hard times shared the joy the lauughs the tears the fears the shadows....and when he found soemone else to knock boots with........he treated me like crap...i built him up made him feel good, motivated him and he would often throw me away......

 

 

how i got my self respect back .....how i got over the fact that i was so trusting.........translation....dumb........

 

is that i like the way i am in a relationship........i like the fact i can make someone feel good......i like the fact that it wont be me making him feel good that stuff i do in a relationship....for a partner and the way i love them ...is going to go to a guy who deserves it....soemone who loves me back........that he didnt love me enough to remain faithful.......is his error.....he has admitted he stuffed up........but........in a way.....he set me free to find who is right for me....i deserve what i give.......and someone now can give it to me...i put him on a pedestal......and it should never have been that way...i have learned from my mistakes....and i am proud of how far i have come....i have changed...i am stronger.............and i look forward to the day ....when i go to bed at night...i know the person i give my heart to..appreciates that he has that heart of mine......that is how....i have my self respect....

 

 

someone who cheats on you....never loved you in the first place.....infidelity....is killer .....know all you have to offer ....know all that you gave that wasnt returned...and save it for someone who truly deserves what you have and who you are...that is what you have that is powerful...the love you have to give to someone who gives it back...there is nothing stronger than love...deb ......

[rizzla]

I'm afraid she used you, man. She had a total lack of respect for you, knowing that you'd always been in the back burner. This is not uncommon: it is, in fact, the usual trend, and I'm talking from experience.

 

When you showed willingness to understand her, you were allowing her a free ride to her own emotional rollercoaster. She always knew that you'd be willing to take her back, so she could afford being "confused" for as long as she wished.

 

There's only one way to stop the rollercoaster bumping all over you: strict NC. Not taking any more ****. She cheated and lied several times. You are in a codependent relationship and you're the doormat here. I'm sorry, but I think it's beyond repair.

 

Good luck with yourself and listen carefully to the LS wisdom. If you read enough you'll find very usual, recurrent behaviors both in dumpers as well as dumpees. These patterns usually revolve around selfishness and neediness and are written all over your relationship as well. Love yourself and get yourself together.

[mbee]

You are not alone, trust me. I had a similar thing happen to me as well and the sick thing is my ex boyfriend knows it. The last time we had a conversation about our relationship he admitted that he knows how wonderful and loving I am, that I've made him better, supported him, forgiven him and been there for him, but at the end of the day he still doesn't want "us" back. But of course he still texts and emails me which I'm trying to ignore.

 

I think the last poster is right. You need to do strict NC. It's very difficult for me and actually I just broke it last night, but you need to keep working for NC. Also, I'm realizing that my ex is truly a jerk. I think you are realizing that too. Look at this forum. There are plenty of people like us. There are people who genuinely love other people, don't want to hurt other people and have not cheated or treated their exes like trash. Unfortunately there isn't a convenient radar on how to find these people but knowing there are people like that relieves me.

 

I still love my ex, but you have to accept it's time to move on. There's something to think about her. Over the past 6 years it's been the same cycle and pattern. If you did get back together again, what do you think would happen? Do you think she would permanently change or do you think you'd always be waiting for the next moment for her to leave you?

 

Work on growing yourself again and step away from this toxic relationship. If she ever changes, which she may or may not, she'll reach out to you and sincerely apologize. I'll never understand how people can be so manipulative and selfish, but at the end of the day, you are making the choice to deal with her and hurting yourself over it. Leave her alone and learn to move on. Again, strict NC and make steps to find a better and stronger you, and to look and hope for a better woman who will give you the love you deserve.

 

Trust me, it's easier to hear than follow but we have to try. Otherwise you'll spend the next couple of years hung up on this woman, feeling terrible and possibly missing out on meeting an amazing woman.