Met online, flew across the ocean, 'We're better friends than a couple"

[AllieBean]

I tried to squeeze everything into the title to catch the attention of people that could understand me and relate better to my current situation.

 

He's 40+, I am in my early 20s. He's American, living in Florida, I am a German, living in Germany. We met online for the first time...I was actually the one who pursued him.

He seemed to be really into me, his profile said that he's 32 though (I will come back to this later). But at the very beginning he often used to ask how anything (even being friends) could work out for people that are seperated by countless miles and the ocean itself.

 

I promised him to visit him one day so he opened up to me more. We used to message each other everyday...like 100+ messages a day at least. We got along well, sometimes fought over stupid things but made up very quickly. He used to say that we're special. That the thing we have between us is very special. That he felt his entire life that he's going to have something as special as this...He sent me a supercute and thoughtful present for christmas, it brought me to tears and that's when I realized I have feelings for him (which scared me at first, considering the fact we've never met before) I decided to dive into this risky adventure and visit him for real.

 

The thing is, I visited him in Florida. I stayed at his place for a month. We are pursuing each other for 7 months now....but just when I came back from Florida, and asked him after a few days why he doesn't talk that much anymore (remember, 100+ messages a day? It turned into 2), he dropped the bomb by saying that we're better friends than a couple.

 

This confuses me a lot. It breaks my heart into a million pieces and I have never felt like this before.

 

Now to my stay in Florida:

 

We fell into each others arms, we couldn't get enough of each other, I would kiss and touch him all the time, he would do the same. All the time it looked like we're a match made in heaven. It was one of the best days in my entire life. I love him. I really want him. I later found out that he lied to me and that he's 42 in real. It didn't affect us in the slightest, I didn't care but he seemed embarassed about getting busted (but also seemingly relieved that I didn't care about it).

 

We also used to argue some times. We had 2 big fights where I started to cry - a very dramatic moment where I packed my things and he offered me to let me home a week earlier (when all I really wanted was a hug).

 

Then the last week we stopped having sex because it became physically painful (it was painful all month because I lived 2 years in abstinence) but he wouldn't touch me, spoon with me (he used to love it) or do anything else.

 

But we were still really cozy, kissed a lot, had fun, enjoyed the time being together. When he drove me back to the airport, everything seemed alright...we kissed each other and I thought we're a real couple now.

 

Back in Germany, I had a huge breakdown when I got his message (after confronting him with his ignorance).

 

These are the messages:

 

Me:

________

 

Is there a reason why you're even more distant than before?

It hurts a little when I think back of old times when you used to say "good morning baby" or "I love you to death"

Now you don't even bother talking with me even though you know that I know you're reading my messages.

That's why I was scared to visit you in Florida. Sometimes I think it was a dumb idea to travel across the ocean for a man who lied to me about his age. I feel like you wait for me to give up. Good night

 

__________

 

Him:

 

Sorry.....im not dodging.you on purpose. Long day. Im not trying to be different either. But I do think we make much better friends than a couple......we are so different, and i would never want to lose you as a friend......you better not run from me.....but i also dont think its not normal to act the same as it was.....talking every hr of the day.......so please dont get mad if we dont speak all the time like we did.

 

 

___________

 

Please don't throw it away like this because you think after a month that we're better friends or that we're too different...give me some time to change myself...to mature from the inside and to look better on the outside...don't throw it away like this after getting me so invested in this. I know it sounds crazy but I like you more after meeting you in real...and it hurts so much right now to think that all the energy and feelings I invested since 23rd October are wasted...please tell me something positive, I really have a hard time to breath or to control my emotions right now...the saddest thing is that I barely let anyone come too close to me and once I let someone through the barrier that I have set, I get incredibly hurt. It is so embarassing because all of my friends and people close to me think now we're a couple because I just talk about you, they have seen our photos and say how cute we are together....now admitting that it didn't work out is so embarassing...I feel embarassed, heartbroken, badly hurt and confused. This is not good. I want you so bad. I never wanted someone as badly as you. I know I can't force other people to feel the same...but please unterstand me...don't throw me away like this after everything I've gone through for you...I doubt that any woman after me would do the same to be with you as I did. I even accepted the fact that you lied to me...embraced all your negative sides because everything I said and felt even before we met was geniune. I said I love you because I really felt like that....I don't know what made you say that you love me to death. Maybe my ass pictures....I don't know..I really want you because you're just..like..the best man on earth. The best person I have ever met in my life. You are such a good influence on me, after meeting you, I felt so motivated and happy, as if I could move mountains...The most handsome and funny..with the best smell..it hurts that you just slip through my hands. I think I'm going to skip school and everything today, I feel really miserable, unable to do anything else than crying in my bed. I really hate myself for liking you way too much

 

________

 

Hey baby.....im sorry. I dont want you to feel like this. You keep making comments like the letter i sent you makes no sense now......i thought you felt the same. I was always frustrated with you so i thought you had just had it with me. But i dont want you to go away, so staying great friends made sense........

 

________

 

Please be honest...it's not just that you got frustrated because of the way I am, right? I honestly think that I'm just not your type...when I compare myself with the women you were involved with in the past and with whom you really wanted to be together....I look totally the opposite from them. Khala and Kathy look like the same type. Blonde, tanned, sporty and toned...It really doesn't surprise me that you're not into me. That's why I say, just give me some time.

And I was such a pain in the ass because I felt lonely and wanted your attention...I am usually laid-back. But being dependant on you all the time, not having enough money while my stay there, not being able to have sex because of the pain really strained my nerves and I was bitchier than ever in my entire life...I hate myself for making you the way you feel about me because I feel like you have seen me in my worst state instead of my best.

 

_________

 

I am honest.......2 people together should just naturally click. I didnt feel it did, you must feel the same way......it has nothing to do with being blonde. I mean you dont like anything that i like.....going to the beach, the natural outdoors, etc.....its not a bad thing. Were just different

 

_________

 

I usually like those things, I just said I don't like it so that I don't have to present myself half naked in a bikini (especially surrounded by a lot of hot women) when Im in not a good shape.

I was too self-conscious because I was as white as mozarella and in one of my worst states, body-wise.

All I was thinking was "I wish I would be a bombshell, so he can be proud to be seen with me but right now, I am not. He will keep looking at other girls" These thoughts scared me so I said I don't like beaches.

 

I am so sorry that I acted differently all the time...

 

__________

 

Well thats too bad.......i was at the beach with you......

 

__________

 

Can you give me some time to get to know me, my good side? It hurts so much right now, I must sound so desperate but I can't help it. I was so scared that this would happen and now it really does.

 

__________

 

Im here......im not going any where baby

 

__________

 

 

I know Im needy and desperate and most likely really pathetic....I know that I've done the wrong approach and he probably has no respect for me anymore...but someone please clear the sight for me? I can't really see the things, everything confuses me. Why is he still calling me baby?

 

Most importantly...how can I get the old times back? I want a second chance...it's the first time in my life that I really love someone.

[USMCHokie]

Please don't throw it away like this because you think after a month that we're better friends or that we're too different...give me some time to change myself...to mature from the inside and to look better on the outside...

 

This jumped out at me...

[todreaminblue]

the problem with long distance relationships is you need that physical contact......being able to talk face to face ...without the communication breakdown of letters and phone calls...i was in a long distance relationship ....and everything was sweet while we were apart....when we got together....like magnetic.....hot...very intimate..couldnt keep our hands off each other...but also minimum time spent together.....when i eventually moved down uprooted my tribe.....it lasted a couple of years....long distance relationship are good for the commitment phobe but cannot continue over years and years ..........sometimes life separates but it shouldnt be for years upon years upon years....the bond becomes weak and easily compromised by outside influences....

 

 

you met him and it deteriorated........I would limit contact.....on your side......i dont think you are happy with the way things are .....do you wish to stay that way?????.....I know that you feel you love him....but he isnt exactly making you feel good.......he is making you feel insecure with a certain amount of distrust...not a good start...and the distance between you will intensify those feelings of insecurity......i wish you luck....and much happiness in life and love..everyone deserves that ...as you do....i hope you find it........hugs...deb

[TaraMaiden]

He's calling you baby, because it's become a habit. The way my H always refers to me by my nickname. I told him at this rate he'd forget my real name. he replied that he wouldn't, but it's just become a lovely habit...

 

You live a thousand miles apart.

You tried the hook up and actually threw yourself, without a lifeline, into something with wild abandon.

You really should have held back.

 

Now, your heart is shattered because, while I'm certain he had a good tim with you (and I don't mean that to sound lascivious) he just realised you weren't 'on the same page'.

 

But you didn't use your 'barrier'. You let him in, and hung all your hopes on this.

 

I'm sorry, but I think you're going to have to go No Contact - B-I-G time.

 

That means total, complete, A-Z no contact at all, whatsoever, at any time, in any way.

Zip.

 

Finished.

 

Read the No Contact Guide in my signature.

 

The Guide itself is the first post.

The remainder of the long thread contains comments from so many people, about 'staying friends' after a break.

 

Just to let you know?

That is totally impossible.

 

Right now - you shouldn't even be thinking about it.

 

You need to cut the ties, delete all traces, all messages, all letters all texts - every single little thing.

Oh and - get a new phone and do NOT transfer his details to it - and change your number!

 

And please don't come back with excuses, clarifications, justifications, and any "but why..." questions.

 

Tough as I may sound - it is what it is.

 

He's made his decision, and sadly, there's not a damned thing you can do about it.

[AllieBean]

This jumped out at me...

 

Why is that? I am really insecure (even though people say I am pretty...or even though his friends say that he's lucky to get someone as young and beautiful as me - he introduced me to them and acted like a man in love in front of them while we we're all out - and they're all grown man so I thought it was pretty serious)

 

He often points out that he likes Scarlet Johannsson and all his ex gfs are blonde bombshells so I felt inferior (brunette, average, pale)

 

That's why I said I want to look better for him since he obviously has a pattern when it comes to women and I simply stand out on this list.

 

Thanks for everyone. Thanks for the No Contact idea...

but the thing is, whenever I think about not having any contact with him or eliminating everything that reminds me to him..I burts into tears. I am in tears right now..I am in tears since he first said that we're much better friends.

 

I know I deserve better. But it's just so...so...I don't know.

[todreaminblue]

Why is that? I am really insecure (even though people say I am pretty...or even though his friends say that he's lucky to get someone as young and beautiful as me - he introduced me to them and acted like a man in love in front of them while we we're all out - and they're all grown man so I thought it was pretty serious)

 

He often points out that he likes Scarlet Johannsson and all his ex gfs are blonde bombshells so I felt inferior (brunette, average, pale)

 

That's why I said I want to look better for him since he obviously has a pattern when it comes to women and I simply stand out on this list.

 

Thanks for everyone. Thanks for the No Contact idea...

but the thing is, whenever I think about not having any contact with him or eliminating everything that reminds me to him..I burts into tears. I am in tears right now..I am in tears since he first said that we're much better friends.

 

I know I deserve better. But it's just so...so...I don't know.

 

Tears are a release...its part of the grieving process........they are needed so you can deal with how your heart truly feels...when you should worry is when you dont feel pain....when you just dont care anymore about anything because under that not caring is a broken heart not allowed to heal...... tears are breathing to a broken heart.......the salve to a scar that needs treatment........let yourself grieve......cry....let the tears roll.......they need to be released.....for you to heal..........i wish you well....hugs....deb

[USMCHokie]

Why is that? I am really insecure (even though people say I am pretty...or even though his friends say that he's lucky to get someone as young and beautiful as me - he introduced me to them and acted like a man in love in front of them while we we're all out - and they're all grown man so I thought it was pretty serious)

 

He often points out that he likes Scarlet Johannsson and all his ex gfs are blonde bombshells so I felt inferior (brunette, average, pale)

 

That's why I said I want to look better for him since he obviously has a pattern when it comes to women and I simply stand out on this list.

 

Perhaps he realized when you visited that he can't go without a blonde bombshell, so he wants to let you go.

 

And there's also the possibility that he lost interest after he put it in you. Or perhaps the sex wasn't very good. There's a whole host of possible reasons. The bottom line is that you should not get too emotionally invested in someone long distance unless you've already established a relationship with them and are forced into a long distance situation. Otherwise, you have to protect yourself.

[TaraMaiden]

Why is that? I am really insecure (even though people say I am pretty...or even though his friends say that he's lucky to get someone as young and beautiful as me - he introduced me to them and acted like a man in love in front of them while we we're all out - and they're all grown man so I thought it was pretty serious)

 

He often points out that he likes Scarlet Johannsson and all his ex gfs are blonde bombshells so I felt inferior (brunette, average, pale)

 

That's why I said I want to look better for him since he obviously has a pattern when it comes to women and I simply stand out on this list.

 

Never, ever EVER think of changing yourself for someone else because you believe it's what they would like, or that it's what it would take to keep them.

Never.

Be who you are, be happy with who you are, and quit thinking 'changing the outside' is what it takes, because it isn't.

 

Until you can look yourself square in the mirror and tell yourself "You are gorgeous, and quite a catch for some lucky guy!" then you need to stop dating, because your value of you, is far less than it ought to be, and you will always settle for 2nd best.

 

 

Thanks for everyone. Thanks for the No Contact idea...

 

It's not an 'idea', it's a working, effective formula, and you really DO need to implement it, right now.

 

 

but the thing is

 

What did I advise you to NOT do...?

 

And please don't come back with excuses, clarifications, justifications, and any "but why..." questions.

 

whenever I think about not having any contact with him or eliminating everything that reminds me to him..I burts into tears. I am in tears right now..I am in tears since he first said that we're much better friends.

 

Understandable. Totally. I get it, really, I do.

 

But it's irrelevant.

 

No Contact is the last chance you have to retain your sanity, dignity and come out of this in one piece.

It HAS to be done.

 

I know I deserve better. But it's just so...so...I don't know.

 

heartbreaking? Destrucrtive? Demoralising? Depressing?

 

All of the above?

 

We know.

All too well.

We see it all the time.

Boy on girl, girl on boy, boy on boy, girl on girl.

 

It's a universal affliction.

But the remedy is in your hands.

 

Take it, grasp it, seize it, and do something with it.

For yourself.

 

He doesn't need you.

He's not into you 'that way'.

And much as he may be making the gesture, you cannot be his friend, it will - not - work.

 

Stay away from him, stay with us, and we'll work it through with you.

[AllieBean]

I just recieved a message where he voluntarily tells me a little bit more about his feelinsg and thoughts. Good because the hardest part about this was not knowing what really went on.

 

"Good morning......

 

I had a long day yesterday. I'm not going anywhere, I'm here for u. But I am taking baby steps with you. Put yourself in my shoes. I was always frustrated with you when you were here. Its like nothing went right. I dont like the way I acted towards you, but it was more of a reflex than anything. I cant just jump right back in like nothing ever happened. I have to take this slow."

 

I didn't know that he was frustrated like this. The only time I realised he was frustrated was for example:

 

When I didn't want to go to the beach - he is an absolute beach boy at heart. I even let my bikini at home so I didn't have to go but when we were there, he bought me a bikini.....But I hated it because all the hot women made me feel insecure and inferior. I don't know if you've been to a beach in Florida but it's flooded with skinny, lean, fake-breasted bombshells. I felt like I'm embarassing him with my presence. I looked like a grey mouse next to all the flashy ladies.

 

He also seemed frustrated because sex was always painful. At the beginning I just let him do and endured the pain by biting my tongue. But I started to get really sore (I am so sorry for being this graphic) and it was unbreable so I started to cry. I could see that it must have been really frustrating for him...the last week he didn't even tried to intitate sex like he used to....

 

 

Oh and he hated my 'hunger strikes' (that's how he calls it whenever I lose my appetite when I'm sad or upset - this can go for days or weeks) or when I just bury myself into blankets and sleep/refuse talking - mostly after arguements or when I don't get enough attention. He worked all day so I was at home without the option to go outside or meet friends because I am in a whole different country, all by myself, it's a whole different climate (it was snowing for months in Germany, then in Florida everyday was humid and really hot so goiing out was an ordeal) and I always got upset when he came home, ate something and watched baseball or fox news instead of trying to do something with me. I know he must rest but come on...I flew across the ocean to be with HIM not watch him eat and lay on the sofa watching games...but the weekends were REALLY good...roadtrips, dining out, going out or other things that were fun.

[TaraMaiden]

GO -

 

NO -

 

CONTACT.

 

Do it.

Quit piling crap onto your own shoulders.

 

You have an inferiority complex if you're comparing yourself to women who for the major part lead a 'plastic' lifestyle.

Fake tans, dyed hair, fake boobs, liposuction and personal trainers. Jeesh, you at least have a life beyond such artificiality.

 

The painful sex?

You need to look into that.

It could be vaginismus. nerves, fear, the desire to do it right, to be what he wanted, to be desirable, to be phukkable, to be, to be, to be..... Not yourself.

 

You literally let him in far too quickly.

Your boundaries and barriers were smashed to pierces.

 

by you.

 

Sex should never make you cry in pain.

sex should be relaxing, stimulating and equally enjoyable.

 

if the problem was friction, and pain caused by too much frenetic sex - holy cow - why??

Why so much that it hurt?

 

That sounds desperate....

Who initiated, the most?

 

Quit taking everything as your fault.

he went too fast, and he used you.

 

Coward.

 

Go No Contact and do not reply.

Don't.

Don't you dare.

Just - Don't.

 

(I bet you do. And you'll crawl.......)

[USMCHokie]

I will stick around to be the slightly harsher voice of reason.

 

He didn't like you as much as you liked him.

[LittleTiger]

TaraMaiden can be rather brutal in her 'delivery' but everything she has said is spot on.

 

If you take a step back and imagine yourself looking at things from the outside, you will see that this visit did not go well. You may have been excited to meet each other, hence the 'fairy tale' beginning but ....

 

1. You weren't confident in his company

2. He didn't like your 'moods'

3. You argued and had two big fights - not one, but two, in the space of a month - and serious fights by the sound of it!

4. The sex wasn't good - for either of you (please don't kid yourself, it clearly wasn't)

5. He backed off, big time, towards the end of your stay

 

(He also lied to you)

 

Based on all of that he decided you and he aren't a good match.

 

It's a very old story. He doesn't like you enough to want a relationship with you. I'm sorry for you, I know it hurts, but that is the truth.

 

No contact is your only sensible option.

[HeavenOrHell]

Or like he said, they didn't click, which has little to do with looks and how 'good' you are in bed, and more to do with not being compatible personality wise. If he was more interested in looks than personality then he doesn't sound a great catch to me.

 

Perhaps he realized when you visited that he can't go without a blonde bombshell, so he wants to let you go.

 

And there's also the possibility that he lost interest after he put it in you. Or perhaps the sex wasn't very good. There's a whole host of possible reasons. The bottom line is that you should not get too emotionally invested in someone long distance unless you've already established a relationship with them and are forced into a long distance situation. Otherwise, you have to protect yourself.

[tuxedo cat]

You are so young. I feel that something must be very wrong in your life to get involved with a 42-year-old man who lives on another continent and treats you so poorly. Forget about this guy and focus on fixing whatever that is.

 

It's crap that he broke up with you after you got back rather than telling you in person that he didn't feel the connection; it's crap that you had to pull the breakup out of him; it's crap that he told you his feelings so casually in a text message/email. I get the vibe from the glib way he responds to your pleas that he has little regard for your feelings.

 

You sound desperate, though, and this is just going to push him away more and make him feel entitled to mistreating you. I mean promising him that you'll change yourself on the outside to accommodate to his ideals is the definition of desperate. Stop that--not because you should want him back but for your own self worth.

 

Please let this guy go. He's a douche and he will crush what vestiges remain of your self esteem.

Edited May 8, 2013 by tuxedo cat

[AllieBean]

I know you guys want to encourage me to pull myself out of this before I get hurt to the point that it breaks me completely. I am already broke, he was the only reason I felt happy again, giving up on him is something that scares me to death.

 

I try to understand myself in this...I told you guys that I lived in abstinence for 2 years. 2 years ago, I got raped by a group of guys around my age that tricked me into a houseparty where they promised me to have a lot of fun, meet new people. I and another young girl were the only females between 9 guys. I got repeadetly raped that night. This experience pushed me into anorexia and depressions. I never sought help for neither problem because I am ashamed of myself.

 

I thought I will never ever trust or love a man again. When I was first on his profile, I thought he's totally my type so I texted him. Never in my life would I have thought that I would fall in love with him. I tried to explore...flirt again..but in a safe distance. Then I fell in love, he gave me warmth, he made me laugh, he took care of me like no one else has done ever. The thought of letting him go kills me inside. I don't want him to go, I don't want my only happiness to disappear....I can't take it anymore

 

 

Thank you for all the responses...much appreciated.

[AllieBean]

Thank you for your encouraging words. I feel really dirty...nasty..

Do you think he would look down on me if he knew about my past?

[FitChick]

Never contact a guy first because you will never know if he is really interested or just passively accepting the attention, hoping to get lucky with sex. Especially if it's long distance. Did he even pay for your plane ticket?

 

I don't contact someone first who lives far away. If they contact me they know the score.

[AllieBean]

Never contact a guy first because you will never know if he is really interested or just passively accepting the attention, hoping to get lucky with sex. Especially if it's long distance. Did he even pay for your plane ticket?

 

I don't contact someone first who lives far away. If they contact me they know the score.

 

 

He offered to pay for my plane ticket because I am a student with just one part time job. I insisted that I pay for it myself, so I didn't buy any nice things for myself, saved the money for my stay in Florida, got the ticket and started the journey that I thought would be like a fairy tale...you know, I really believed that I found my prince. That time I thought he's 32 - no big deal. But when I found out the truth, I was so much into him that I really didn't care about the lie.

[GorillaTheater]

Thank you for your encouraging words. I feel really dirty...nasty..

Do you think he would look down on me if he knew about my past?

 

A decent, healthy man would not. But he might also look for assurances that you've dealt with the recovery process in a healthy manner.

 

Do you think you have?

[LittleTiger]

I'm so sorry for what happened to you AllieBean.

 

Unfortunately, feeling good about yourself will not come from finding someone who appears to love you. What's happened here is that your 'online love' made you feel special and drowned out the ghosts for a while. That was only temporary, and the 'band aid' feeling would have faded in time even if the relationship had worked out as you wanted it to.

 

The only way for you to deal with the terrible thing that happened to you and lay it to rest is to face it head on, which may involve seeking professional help. I hope that's what you decide to do. ((((hugs))))

[justwhoiam]

He's American, living in Florida, I am a German, living in Germany.

Someone started talking about "one thousand miles", and others went on with that assumption. But the distance is around 7,000 miles, if not more.

 

his profile said that he's 32

Not only he lied about his age, but he was not even going to tell you, because - let's face it - had you not found out the truth, you'd still think he's 32. Ask around how many LDRs started out on a lie. I guess you would get small numbers. Lies must be an alarm. Alarms are made to alert us. Their main purpose is to protect us. You let the alarm ring and simply switched it off in the name of "love".

 

He used to say that we're special.

He's past any possible infatuation stage, now. And that's what must count now for you. You're at a juncture with two options:

A) you keep in touch with him, with impacts on your health and well-being (harm yourself)

B) you process the loss and move on to let yourself be happy again asap (facilitate the heal process)

 

 

I started to get really sore (I am so sorry for being this graphic) and it was unbreable so I started to cry.

What did he do when you started to cry? What happened at that point and immediately after? It looks like he was not being an attentive lover, rather a guy doing his business... also, what excuse did you supply about the two-year abstinence?

 

"2 people together should just naturally click." I agree with that statement. No matter how much you want it to happen, you need to consider that there are times when it just doesn't happen. The serious thing is that he made love with you, even if he knew things didn't click and took advantage of the fact that you were in love with him. No one is perfect, but knowing he would risk to lose you and a valuable friendship, he should have progressed with you gingerly, not jumping to sex like he did.

 

I perfectly understand what you mean by all your comments about appearance, beauty, self-consciousness, etc. I can relate to that. And despite you clearly expressed your low self-esteem in this thread, I think your thoughts can be pretty common. I have no self-esteem issues, but I would have wondered about his tastes, etc. It's all part of getting to know someone and fears deriving from that.

 

Still, was he understanding of your feelings? He didn't skip the beach for you suggesting an alternative that would have been fun for you both: he forced you to go to the beach and bought a swim suit for you so that you didn't have any excuse not to go. Don't underestimate his judgement, he wasn't born yesterday. He's 40 something.

 

Why is he still calling me baby?

You're loading that word with meanings that are simply not there for him. Americans can use that word carelessly, or as a term of endearment that simply states the level of intimacy between two people (speaker and listener). It's not "baby, I love you" as you might infer. So stop thinking about it.

 

how can I get the old times back? I want a second chance...

When he was showing his interest in you, before meeting you, all his ideas about you were his perceptions about you. After he met you, he had more elements to weigh a relationship with you, and he made his decision.

You're entitled to think he might change his mind, but you need to read facts for what they are, not try to turn them to something different. You can tell the difference between a guy who's unsure about the relationship and a guy that is backing out and fully convinced of what he's doing. There's no point in fighting that.

 

he hated my 'hunger strikes' (that's how he calls it whenever I lose my appetite when I'm sad or upset - this can go for days or weeks) or when I just bury myself into blankets and sleep/refuse talking

This should have been a huge red flag for you. You had to resort to dramatic behaviors to make yourself heard somehow, and in turn he didn't show any concern or understanding. He was just bothered or probably p---ed off. As someone else noted in a previous post, he was not a good catch. I went through some critical moments myself, to the point that I asked him to leave, and we were both at a loss for words, but he hugged me and it was his way to say: I love you so much, and we'll go through this together. So please stop asking him to reconsider things with you.

 

I got raped by a group of guys around my age that tricked me into a houseparty where they promised me to have a lot of fun, meet new people. I and another young girl were the only females between 9 guys. I got repeadetly raped that night. This experience pushed me into anorexia and depressions. I never sought help for neither problem because I am ashamed of myself.

But did you share what happened with anyone? Parents? A friend? You can't keep everything inside like that. Didn't you sue the group of rapists? I guess not... Anyway, just don't keep everything inside. Are you still going through anorexia? Or are you out of that already?

 

I feel really dirty...nasty..

This happens because of what you went through, maybe you can read this:Rape - Consequences of Rape

 

Do you think he would look down on me if he knew about my past?

Your question here seems to be: Did I do the right thing by not telling him what happened to me? I would say: Yes. Because:

- you don't want him to be with you out of pity

- he doesn't seem to be the kind of guy being patient and working things out with you, he sounds more like the classical guy avoiding any emotional baggage (most guys would, but when someone's truly in love, he'd get past that and help you out, even if that meant going through pain himself)

- chances are things wouldn't have worked out with him anyway, and you'd be torturing about that now with "if only I hadn't told him, maybe we'd still be together now" and the like

- you would have felt the abandonement twice and it would hurt 10 times more, opening up your heart like that and then being dumped

- he was not showing much understanding in general

[TaraMaiden]

Very good post;

AllieBean, take note of its contents because there's a huge amount of sense in it.

 

FtR, I think I used the 'thousand miles' comment, but I meant it figuratively...

The fact that it's around 7,000 makes this whole situation all the more absurd....