Is a handwritten letter a good idea?

[guysss2]

Hey guys and girls.

My girlfriend recently broke up with me. It was very unexpected, as we had the greatest weekend 2 days before, in which she told me "I love you. I really do. You are the best", and other things of this nature.

When she broke up with me she said she's not sure what she wants of herself and she didn't want to drag me along with it, and she didn't love me enough and I didn't deserve to be dragged.

 

It happened the day before yesterday and we haven't spoken a word since.

 

Anyhow, I do know I've made some errors in our relationship which I was stupid enough to not notice.

I thought about writing her a letter and send it by mail. I know it probably won't change her mind about things but I do want her to know that I know where I was wrong. I thought about sending it in a few more days, when things settle.

 

Do you think I should? There's not much to lose at this point.

 

Also, how long should I wait before sending it?

 

Thanks

[aisuru]

Nope. No letter. No contact.

 

Let it go.

[blotter]

"I love you. I really do. You are the best" Girls say this **** all the time before they break up with guys, happens all the time. Don't send the letter it will make you look weak and desperate. If you want to leave it in the best light possible go NO CONTACT and do not initiate contact with her. In her eyes it will surprise her that you aren't contacting her crying like a little baby wanting her back, this in turn will make you look confident and happy without her. It all comes down to how you want to look and be perceived: contact her and look wimpy, weak, desperate clinger OR no contact and look confident, happy, in control, you can do better than her. I know which way I would go.

[USMCHokie]

Test to see whether you said send the letter:

 

If you feel it's a letter she should read while she's on her hands and knees on the receiving end of another man's penis, then by all means send it. Otherwise, move along.

[TaraMaiden]

Hey guys and girls.

My girlfriend recently broke up with me. It was very unexpected, as we had the greatest weekend 2 days before, in which she told me "I love you. I really do. You are the best", and other things of this nature.

 

This is a last-ditch attempt by a broken heart to convince themselves - not you - that this is really worth holding on to.... sadly, when women say this two days before breaking up, what they're REALLY doing is trying to reinforce the idea in their own minds, that "honestly, keep at it, the more love you throw at it, the better it will get."

Tragically, this notion is a false one. hence her giving up only a short while later....

 

 

When she broke up with me she said she's not sure what she wants of herself and she didn't want to drag me along with it, and she didn't love me enough and I didn't deserve to be dragged.

Yeah. Classic "It's not you, it's me" line.

I don't always believe it. She's dumping you - she doesn't want to increase the pain by telling you - "And it's all your fault you blind insensitive jerk!"

 

....

 

Anyhow, I do know I've made some errors in our relationship which I was stupid enough to not notice.

 

You know, we get a lot of posts from dumped guys who can't believe what's just happened, thy're utterly stunned and blind-sided by the break-up, it totally came out of the blue, but - 'oh and yeah, I might have done this....'

 

I'm going to start calling them out on this.

 

You're glossing over this with a casual, throw-away one-liner....

 

Be specific.

WHAT Errors?

What were you too stupid to not notice at the time, but suddenly have become crystal clear to you now you're an ex BF?

How come they didn't figure when you did them?

Or did they, but you just persevered with the behaviour anyway?

 

Come on - own up.

What did you contribute to this break-up?

 

I thought about writing her a letter and send it by mail. I know it probably won't change her mind about things but I do want her to know that I know where I was wrong. I thought about sending it in a few more days, when things settle.

 

Do you think I should? There's not much to lose at this point.

 

Also, how long should I wait before sending it?

 

Too little too late.

Send nothing at all.

It sounds creepy, clingy and frankly, an apology AFTER the event, is no good. What she most needed was a change of approach, at the time you should have changed your approach. Not as an afterthought/in hindsight.

 

It's good that you are 'owning your actions'.

 

But what stopped you 'owning' them at the time?

 

Were you taking for granted that she would just continue loving you, and put up with it?

 

Be honest.

It's the best lesson you'll ever give yourself.....

[aisuru]

.

What she most needed was a change of approach, at the time you should have changed your approach. Not as an afterthought/in hindsight.

 

 

Oh dear. That. I agree with Tara. Again... *sigh*

 

This is what the common folk know as "too little, too late."

[cinta_satu]

Not a good idea man.

 

A handwritten letter may seem like a romantic gesture and it is when you are dating someone. Once she's broken up with you, it will most likely annoy her.

 

I thought the same way you did. My ex dumped me in Dec, but wanted to remain close and talk daily. I, like an idiot, agreed. The moment she met another guy in Feb, she cut me off just like that. I didn't know she had met someone else and I sent her desperate emails. I even sent her a hand written letter, with chinese calligraphy, burnt edges - basically the whole deal. It only ended up hurting me.

 

And it may seem like you don't have anything to lose at this point, but trust me - You definitely DO!

 

The more desperate you seem, the further you push them away. At this point in time words don't mean **** to them.

 

If you want to get a message to her, pick yourself up, better yourself in any way you can, and come out of this stronger.

 

Learn from my experience man - do not send that letter. I only wish I was fortunate enough to check this forum back in December.

 

I was with this girl for 3 years, and I'm usually a humble person but I was an amazing bf to her. I was never complacent, we both loved each other, wanted to get married and have kids. We always appreciated each other, all our friends loved both of us - basically everything was perfect.

 

But people change. It's just human nature, and I don't think we should hate them for it or blame ourselves for it.

 

Stay strong and good luck!

[CorridorE]

I am going to respectfully disagree. I know everyone here will probably just tell me how I am wrong, but it’s just my opinion and in the end he will do what he feels is right.

 

When my ex broke up with me I sent him a hand-written letter and although it changed nothing, I’m glad I sent it. But I did not apologize for anything and I didn’t beg – I just told him how much he meant to me and how much I loved him. I agree that no contact is best when recovering from a breakup, but if I hadn’t said the things I needed to say when he left I would have regretted it. I wanted him to know how much our relationship meant to me, and was afraid if I went straight into no contact he would think I never really cared that much anyway. The letter didn’t change anything between us, but I am much more at ease now knowing that I did everything I could while still keeping my dignity. I went into no contact after the letter and have been since. To me, that shows I cared enough to try and fight for us, but was still strong enough to let him go when he didn’t show me the same feelings. Since the breakup is still new, I don’t think there would be so much wrong with telling her what you feel you need to say, and I don’t think it would come off as desperate as long as you cut contact after that if she doesn't respond. Just another opinion.

[cinta_satu]

You make a good point CorridorE.

 

I guess what matters is the content of the letter - that's where I went wrong.

 

I failed to keep my dignity and definitely showed that I was desperate to get her back.

[big bear]

been there done that

 

The pain will increase a 100 times when you will get to know she doesn't care about it.

 

Don't do it.

 

Instead write a letter to yourself describing how you would want to be at the end of 30 days of NC. What hobbies you would have picked up, how much muscle mass you have gained, which old friend you have hung out with etc.

[guysss2]

Thanks for the comments guys. Cheers for that, USMCHokie.

Right now NC it is.

 

Tara - I never said I had any excuses. I do know how stupid I sound. The mistakes I refer to are not necessarily the reasons I drove her away (although they very well could be) but more the "epiphanies", if you will, of constantly thinking about the break up since, and trying to maybe find a way to blame myself and make more sense of the whole thing.

Plus she never showed dissatisfaction from our relationship which I hadn't immediately tried my best to fix, and she always showed appreciation for it. These are just my speculation of what I might have done to wrong her.

As to whether I'm right in this or its really just her, I guess its too late to find out.

 

Right now I have the letter in my drawer but I intend to keep it there for now.

 

However, CorridorE and cinta_satu-

I would appreciate it if you could share you email with me so you might be able to take a look at it, just to hear your opinion of it in case I ever break down and decide to send it.

[fucpcg]

Twice I've had girlfriends break up with me like one week after an amazing weekend getaway, and after one year plus relationships. They were missing something, and knew it, and had to go find out what it was. I told both of them, in letters, that they meant the world to me, but I understand that they must go on some journey they must go on to find themselves, just know I did and do love them, and I hope for the best for them, and I'd hope that they would contact me down the road if they miss me/us.

 

One girl got back to me one year later, we tried again for about 3 months, and it went bad again. Fifteen years later we are in contact thanks to FB and like best friends again. The second girl got back to me 1.5 years later, however I was in a relationship and living with a girl I knew didn't complete me. By the time I had moved on from this girl I was living with, the ex who I still loved completely met another guy, a good one, married him and had his children. Over a decade later they are still happily married.

 

I learned many things from these experiences, the most powerful one being never get involved in any type of rebound relationship with a girl you know isn't supposed to be the one. Because while you are with her, you might just lose a shot at THE One, and unfortunately I think that is what happened with this second girl.

[CorridorE]

I'm not comfortable posting my personal email online since it has my last name in it. If you hang around LS for the next few weeks though and keep posting so you can recieve private messages, I would be happy to look it over. Or I could message cinta_satu to get your email.

 

And I agree with cinta_satu about waiting a week or two to send it. Read it through again when you are feeling better emotionally and think about how it would sound from a dumper's perspective. Also, revisit it over the course of a few weeks to make sure you say everything you want to, because it could be your last chance to tell her how you feel.

 

Sending my letter helped me to feel better about the fall of my relationship, but it could go either way. You might discover in a week's time that sending it isn't what's best for you personally. Whatever you decide to do, I hope you feel better for it.

[mtnbiker3000]

I think why this is such a common ocurance and seems to happen to so many guys is because of 2 main reasons. BTW - Happened to me too

 

1. We (guys) aren't very good a reading between the lines. We are oblivious. We aren't that bright when it comes to understanding our ladies when in a RS.

2. Women don't tell us their feelings about #1. They don't communicate. I know I was expected to just figure it out. (Hmmm, that's going to be a problem - see #1). Hence the cycle continues.

 

Just my 2 cents...

[na49]

Does anyone notice their mistakes while they are in the relationship? Probably not because they aren't mistakes. They're only mistakes after the fact because you think that if you didn't do that ONE thing, she'd still be with you.

 

It's silly. Keep your letter to yourself. It's not "sweet", it's desperate and annoying. If she broke up with you and wants to try things again, she's the one who has to send you a letter.