Saying "it's over" then why come back and beg them to take you back?? Your POV plz?!!

[Taken_Angel]

I have a quick question..to anyone who has any ideas, thoughts, or comments.

 

I have a friend of mine...she is someone I've been close to for years until recently when she got into a relationship with her current BF. They've been together for a little longer than a year. We started drifting apart because I got tired of being put in the middle of their "fights" But I still talk to her a lot and now she wants my advice ASAP!

 

Usually he treats her really well and they get along well and seem genuinely happy

 

BUT when he gets mad at her (for whatever small reason like her not being home when he calls from work, his jealousy of her when they're out, ect) and when he gets mad he says "I don't want to be with you anymore" and at first she would convince him or let him know that they should communicate and work things out but then after awhile of him doing this she started saying "ok so don't call, come by, ect" and he wouldn't for a few hours or a day then he would call and if she didn't answer he would come over, ect.

 

She loves him, he's the only one she's ever been in love with (her words) and I'm sure he loves her too, he doesn't cheat on her, usually (aside from this) treats her well, except he doesn't do small things for her (buy her things) but that's from lack of a good job and lots of bills to pay.

 

Anyway what I am basically getting to and wanting to ask is this

 

Since he says "it's over" or "I don't want to be with you anymore" when he's mad at her do you think he really means it? And if so why does he come around and ask for her to take him back, or take her back if she calls him first??

NO I'm not an "OW" or potential "OW" I'm just friends with them both and it bothers me to see them struggling so and I haven't given her advice for fear of giving her the wrong advice and causing her more pain. Also I'm not close enough to him to ask him WHY he does this and how he feels about her, that isn't appropriate in my eyes to go behind her back and ask him these things that's why I want opinions from everyone here. Thanks for reading this! ~TA

[Taken_Angel]

Hello???!! Anyone out there??

[backspn]

More info needed....how old are they? How long they been going out? etc...etc...

[Taken_Angel]

They are both around my age 24ish..as I mentioned above in my earlier post they've been togther a little over a year. Steadily (not dating but very exclusive).

 

They don't live together but are together everyday. Neither of them go out clubbing or anything. She has basically made him her whole life and vice versa apart from their families which they both are close to each other's families. No drinking, drugs, none of that. Oh yeah and they were thinking of getting married and have no kids. Other than the problem I mentioned above they seem (and say) that everything else is wonderful.

 

 

PLEASE SOMEONE RESPOND.....

[Taken_Angel]

How come i'm the only one posting in my own thread??!!

 

LOL! I really seriously would like some advice on this, I will be talking with my friend soon and since he pulled this again today she wants my POV.

 

Please somebody don't leave me hanging here...what do you think's going on with him? Is it him saying it maybe out of anger? Do you think he really means it??

[tiki]

Probably because we are wondering why you want opinions on something that doesn't really involve you? Hell, idunno, that's whay I didn't answer it. Tell her to post here if it's such a problem? I'm diggin for any answer I can give ya here, sorry man.

[Taken_Angel]

She doesn't have internet access and as I mentioned she wants to know what she should do and keeps asking me..since I was clueless about what I should tell her I thought maybe I'd get some insightful answers here!

[bluechocolate]

he says "I don't want to be with you anymore"

 

It's a control thing - my way or the high way - it's immature & manipulative

 

she started saying "ok so don't call, come by, ect" and he wouldn't for a few hours or a day then he would call and if she didn't answer he would come over, ect.

 

and then she takes him back.

 

24ish? Sounds 15ish to me.

 

Tell them both to grow up.

[Merin]

It's a game that had the rules changed midway......

 

When he first starting telling her this, he didn't mean it but liked the effect he got.... her trying to convince him not to do it..... she loves him blah blah.

 

As you've said he is jealous (and this is probably a big reason why her friendship with you has not only suffered but her other friendships as well) because he is controlling.... I mean for real, he gets pissed off if she doesn't answer the phone? CONTROL FREAK.

 

So your friend finally caught on to his game when he told her this crap it made him feel powerful to have her asking him not to do it, trying to reason with him ect.

 

So your girlfriend turns the tables on him.... says fine, yeah whatever (because she knows he doesn't mean it) but funny thing is.... when your girlfriend tells him fine then don't call me anymore, she DOESN'T MEAN IT either.

 

This is a pattern that the two of them have developed and there isn't anything you can do to change it.

 

If they are really that unhappy with how the relationship is then they will change it.... for now they are both playing games and neither one of them is ready to REALLY call it quits.

[Taken_Angel]

Thanks! I had her come over for a few minutes so that she could read this thread and understand why I haven't been very "supportive" or haven't told her what she "should" do! (even if I did chances are she wouldn't have listened).

 

Her response was "I know he's jealous and needs to feel that he's in control of the relationship to believe that everything's "ok" even though it is, me allowing him to feel this sense of control really helps him be re-assured."

 

I'm like...."well if you know what the deal is and you're ok with it, why do you continue to ask my advice and say you can't take it anymore"

 

Basically she thinks I should be there to listen to her vent (which I do) then either agree with her or not say anything about it. I care about her but don't want to be mixed in this negativity. I explained to her that I'm sorry she's going through this but if she isn't willing to change it then please please don't involve me, call and talk with me, we can hang out, whatever but that I didn't want to be put in an awkward situation (since this clearly as said above is a GAME they BOTH keep playing to get re-actions from the other one).

 

She got annoyed and said I probably wouldn't hear from her again since I obviously am not much of a friend (since I didn't throw her a "pity party") so I told her I was sorry to hear this but she always knew where to find or get ahold of me. I wished her the best of luck and told her to figure out what's right, best, and makes her the happiest then pursue it and in that I to wish her the best of luck.

 

Needless to say I'm not getting involved in anymore probs my friends may have. I always listen, give advice, (when I don't feel odd about it), and try and do what I can but in the case I realize I can't do anything!

 

Thanks for the opinions!

[Just Visiting]

You did the right thing. Some people don't like hearing the truth. Especially from a friend. She gets off from all that drama and only she can decide to continue it or not. You did the best you could.