Kris_10 Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Okay... This is gonna be long so please just bear with me. When I was 15, I met my bf through a mutual friend, I had a little crush on him but I didnt think I had a chance because he was older(19-20) and he was kind of the type that made girls my age go crazy (nice body, cute face, bad-boy attitude, etc) I left it alone and went about my business and when I was 16, I started flirting with him, we agreed to meet up and I lost my virginity to him... It was really awkward to me so we didnt talk for a few weeks and then I started talking to him again and we agreed to be friends with benefits. We were FWB until I was 19 and he was 23 when he finally decided to give me a relationship because no other girl was interested in him and no other guy was interested in me. I fell for him almost instantly after the first time, but held a guard high and he claimed he wanted to stay FWB because he was afraid to be in a commited relationship because of what happened with him and his first love and I believe him. During this time, he swears he did not have sex with anyone else, he wanted to, but he didnt. Unfortunately, there was a time where he pushed me away and I rebounded and some may say I asked for it, but it still upsets me to think about it, a guy I know was trying to have sex with me and I kept saying no, and then he told me if i didnt, he would rape me, so I gave in... I'm not ashamed to talk about it.. It just brings back memories I don't like remembering, but it's part of the story so I have to share it... Well that night he called me and I told him and he was so mad but he helped me through it... Other than that, I haven't been with anyone else.. Anyhow I'm going to skip a few years.. He gave me a chance to be with me when I was 19 and him 23, he had a hard time believing in love, and I had a hard time believing that he could actually love me after things we had been through.. (At 19, I had surgery for female reasons and had to get a fallopian tube removed and found out the other is completely blocked so therefore I found out I am unable to have children naturally) When I was 20, he started telling me he loves me. and I do love him. I am 21 now and he is 25. For the most part, we are okay, but I have a few problems and I really don't know what to do about them. The first problem is.... I love his family... but, they are full of two face, back biting, lying, immature, guilt tripping people. He lives with his older sister who has no job and acts like she doesn't care to get one and her 3 yr old daughter. His sister is going through a divorce and has a pot head boyfriend who loves to free load off of them. My boyfriend is the only source of income there, they get food stamps off of his income, and live off his income and keep taking advantage of him for it. They think he is made of money. His parents are divorced and his dad and step mom fight constantly and try to make everyone else miserable all the time and his mom and step dad are very hypocritical and claim to be of the Christian faith but are too greedy and act as if they do not care that their kids are struggling and don't even offer to help. My boyfriend has told people multiple times that he is going to get out on his own and be his own person and live on his own (maybe with me and start a live with me) but everytime he tells them that, they bring up his niece and say well she needs this and she needs that and I agree... but thats not his place. His sperm did not make her. And I am extremely tired of them pulling the guilt card of him because its not his responsibility to take care of his niece or his sister, His sister should be getting off her lazy butt and off the computer all day and up looking for a job. So, he and I were talking and we decided we were going to go in together to get an apartment, just he and i, well that was the plan until their landlord told them they had until the first of the month to get out.. so looks like his sister will be moving too.. So I told him today, I couldnt move in with him if she was there because I didn't think it was right that everyone relied on him to take care of her. I understand that he doesnt want her or his niece to not have anywhere to live and I don't want that to happen, but I dont want them to keep taking advantage of him either. And on top of it because of all of whats going on, I keep being selfish because it feels like he isn't spending any time with me... and I know its not really that, its just that he has alot going on, but still... The second problem..... makes me look and feel horrible.... Well... My first love and I have always kept tabs on each other and checked up on each other throughout the years. (I dated him from age 12-15) Anyhow, he and I started getting a very close friendship back in November and yes my bf knows about that and it wasn't a big deal. Well we would hang out every now and then and talk, and it was nice to talk to him, it actually felt good to talk to him. Well about 2 months ago, I had I dream that I had sex with him, I woke up feeling guilty and I told my boyfriend and him about it. They both knew how horrible I felt about the dream and we all just agreed to let it go... Last month, I hung out with my first love, his brother and a friend and we were all in a very bad car wreck, which has caused some problems with my head... but the accident caused me and the ex to get even closer and one day after the accident we were hanging out.. and he kissed me.. and well I kissed him back.. and now I kinda want to have sex with him... But I know I dont want to be with him ever again... I know kissing him back was wrong and I know my feelings are probably wrong too, but I guess some of my feeling for my ex never fully went away either? I don't know. Then again, maybe I'm feeling this way because of what is going on with my boyfriend...? I do feel bad for what happened but I can't help for wanting to do more with my ex or thinking about... I love my boyfriend and I truly do love him... but I dont really understand whats going on in my heart and in my head right now. Someone please help me?
TigerCub Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 I think you need to see a therapist. I think you have very low self esteem. You allow men to use you. Your boyfriend strung you along for years, only letting you be a FWB girl and then decided to finally date you when he had no options. And you actually accept that like it's a good thing. The other guy rapes you - but I'm guessing you didn't report that. I also think you're stuck in some kind of stunted adolescence - why would a dream make you feel so bad - it's just a freakin dream. And after that, you actually tell your boyfriend AND the guy you had the dream about?! Either you just don't think at all, or you're doing this on purpose to get attention for "you first love" and get a reaction from your boyfriend? And now...you're cheated on your boyfriend. So my suggestion would be for you to break up with the boyfriend and get some counseling for your issues, and for the rape (I can only imagine how damaging that is). As for his family using him and all those issues - he needs to stand up for himself, so it's not on you to butt in and deal with it, and now that you should be confessing what you did and he may dump you, it is kind of a moot point anyway. I'm sorry for your rape - but pretty much, everything else is on you. I hope you get some help.
Author Kris_10 Posted May 8, 2013 Author Posted May 8, 2013 I think you need to see a therapist. I think you have very low self esteem. You allow men to use you. Your boyfriend strung you along for years, only letting you be a FWB girl and then decided to finally date you when he had no options. And you actually accept that like it's a good thing. The other guy rapes you - but I'm guessing you didn't report that. I also think you're stuck in some kind of stunted adolescence - why would a dream make you feel so bad - it's just a freakin dream. And after that, you actually tell your boyfriend AND the guy you had the dream about?! Either you just don't think at all, or you're doing this on purpose to get attention for "you first love" and get a reaction from your boyfriend? And now...you're cheated on your boyfriend. So my suggestion would be for you to break up with the boyfriend and get some counseling for your issues, and for the rape (I can only imagine how damaging that is). As for his family using him and all those issues - he needs to stand up for himself, so it's not on you to butt in and deal with it, and now that you should be confessing what you did and he may dump you, it is kind of a moot point anyway. I'm sorry for your rape - but pretty much, everything else is on you. I hope you get some help. I accept it because there is alot more to the story than what I put on here, I just didn't feel like writing a book. I know he used me, but I believe people change and I believe he did change.. for the better. No, I didn't report it... because it was my uncle's girlfriend's brother.. I didn't want to cause problems between my uncle and his girlfriend, because I'm the type of person who cares about everyone else before myself. I was diagnosed with MPD (Multiple Personality Disorder) and a Chemical Imbalance at age 14, so maybe some of these problems stem from that. I told them both because the dream bothered me and I didn't think that I would actually end up wanting to do something like that. My boyfriend and I have a very open and honest relationship and sadly, what has happened between me and my first love is the only thing I have not told him yet. I know its not on me to "butt in" but what do I do when they drag me into it? As you can see, I've been getting help, but other than having MPD, a CI, female issues and a head injury, my doctor says I'm a normal 21 year old girl.
TigerCub Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 I accept it because there is alot more to the story than what I put on here, I just didn't feel like writing a book. I know he used me, but I believe people change and I believe he did change.. for the better. No, I didn't report it... because it was my uncle's girlfriend's brother.. I didn't want to cause problems between my uncle and his girlfriend, because I'm the type of person who cares about everyone else before myself. I was diagnosed with MPD (Multiple Personality Disorder) and a Chemical Imbalance at age 14, so maybe some of these problems stem from that. I told them both because the dream bothered me and I didn't think that I would actually end up wanting to do something like that. My boyfriend and I have a very open and honest relationship and sadly, what has happened between me and my first love is the only thing I have not told him yet. I know its not on me to "butt in" but what do I do when they drag me into it? As you can see, I've been getting help, but other than having MPD, a CI, female issues and a head injury, my doctor says I'm a normal 21 year old girl. You make choices. If they will be living with you and your bf in the new apartment, then make a choice NOT to live with your boyfriend. If your "first love" tries to kiss you, then make a choice NOT to kiss him back and make a choice not to hang out with a guy that you still have feelings for. I'm sorry you feel like you need to protect anyone but yourself. Sorry you got raped, sorry you have MPD and I don't even know what CI is? Still think it would benefit you to see a therapist and discuss your low self esteem issues and your patterns of letting people use you. I'm not attacking you, I honestly hope you do what you can to look out for you.
Author Kris_10 Posted May 8, 2013 Author Posted May 8, 2013 You make choices. If they will be living with you and your bf in the new apartment, then make a choice NOT to live with your boyfriend. If your "first love" tries to kiss you, then make a choice NOT to kiss him back and make a choice not to hang out with a guy that you still have feelings for. I'm sorry you feel like you need to protect anyone but yourself. Sorry you got raped, sorry you have MPD and I don't even know what CI is? Still think it would benefit you to see a therapist and discuss your low self esteem issues and your patterns of letting people use you. I'm not attacking you, I honestly hope you do what you can to look out for you. I did. I told him earlier that I decided I didn't want to live with him until it would be the two of us. The kiss back just happened.. and please don't say that things can't just happen because they can but yes I put myself in the position for it to happen. I made him a promise a long time ago to stay friends... But you're right... If I can't control these feelings I need to distance myself. I've always felt like I had to protect others before I tried to protect myself, I wish I knew why. The rape and MPD and CI is not your fault. CI -Chemical Imbalance. I have and do see a therapist. They say I am fine. I understand and I do not think you are attacking me. I am glad that there are people out there like you that do stop to try to help another person, so thanks
TigerCub Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Well I'm glad that you stood your ground with regards to not living with your bf unless it was just the 2 of you. That's a good sign. It means that you are willing to put yourself first this time. That's encouraging. We both agree that the kiss was wrong. I think you should tell your bf, you don't want to - it's your life, so obviously, do what you feel is best for you - But I just wonder if you won't end up telling him when the guilt gets to be too much. I mean, if you felt bad about a dream and had to confess a dream to him, don't you think that a real kiss would weigh a lot heavier on your conscience? What does your bf say about you not wanting to live with him if his sis is going to be there? I can certainly understand your frustration in that regard, I would be majorly annoyed too, but honestly there really isn't much you can do. It's his family and his issues and unless he's willing to finally nut up and stand up for himself, I really don't see it just magically sorting itself out.
Author Kris_10 Posted May 8, 2013 Author Posted May 8, 2013 Well I'm glad that you stood your ground with regards to not living with your bf unless it was just the 2 of you. That's a good sign. It means that you are willing to put yourself first this time. That's encouraging. We both agree that the kiss was wrong. I think you should tell your bf, you don't want to - it's your life, so obviously, do what you feel is best for you - But I just wonder if you won't end up telling him when the guilt gets to be too much. I mean, if you felt bad about a dream and had to confess a dream to him, don't you think that a real kiss would weigh a lot heavier on your conscience? What does your bf say about you not wanting to live with him if his sis is going to be there? I can certainly understand your frustration in that regard, I would be majorly annoyed too, but honestly there really isn't much you can do. It's his family and his issues and unless he's willing to finally nut up and stand up for himself, I really don't see it just magically sorting itself out. I want to tell him about the kiss, but I want to wait until he's not so stressed out about everything else. I just don't know if it would be better to get it over with now or then... He understands and he says he sis living with him would only be temporary. I'm not so sure about that though... but there's really nothing I can do.. When he does stand up for himself, his sister brings up his niece and pulls the guilt card saying things like "Well she needs this and she cant have it without you" or "I can't do this by myself and I need your help buying her toys/clothes" Stuff like that.. And I do understand that, but like I said, she's not his child so she shouldnt be his responsibility.. so how should he handle when he's put into those situations?
TigerCub Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 I want to tell him about the kiss, but I want to wait until he's not so stressed out about everything else. I just don't know if it would be better to get it over with now or then... He understands and he says he sis living with him would only be temporary. I'm not so sure about that though... but there's really nothing I can do.. When he does stand up for himself, his sister brings up his niece and pulls the guilt card saying things like "Well she needs this and she cant have it without you" or "I can't do this by myself and I need your help buying her toys/clothes" Stuff like that.. And I do understand that, but like I said, she's not his child so she shouldnt be his responsibility.. so how should he handle when he's put into those situations? That is tough. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for my sis and if she needed me, I'd do anything in my power - HOWEVER, I would be telling her to get off her ass and get a job and take care of her child. I would. As mean as it sounds, I would be honest with my sister. I would still help and I would even help her find a job and I'd be there for her if she needed some financial assistance here and there, but she would have to do her part and do what she needs to to be self sufficient. I absolutely can't stand people who have kids and then mooch off others to provide for them without doing their part as a parent to provide. Your bf should do what I described. Tell her, it's her kid, she needs to get off her ass and be a parent. She needs to get a job and provide - But that he will help in any way he can but that she needs to do her part. If she doesn't he's completely going to cut her off because if she doesn't care enough about her own child to get her act together, then why should he? (it is a terrible thing to really say, because the child is innocent in all this) - but he needs to give her a hard dose of the truth.
Author Kris_10 Posted May 8, 2013 Author Posted May 8, 2013 That is tough. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for my sis and if she needed me, I'd do anything in my power - HOWEVER, I would be telling her to get off her ass and get a job and take care of her child. I would. As mean as it sounds, I would be honest with my sister. I would still help and I would even help her find a job and I'd be there for her if she needed some financial assistance here and there, but she would have to do her part and do what she needs to to be self sufficient. I absolutely can't stand people who have kids and then mooch off others to provide for them without doing their part as a parent to provide. Your bf should do what I described. Tell her, it's her kid, she needs to get off her ass and be a parent. She needs to get a job and provide - But that he will help in any way he can but that she needs to do her part. If she doesn't he's completely going to cut her off because if she doesn't care enough about her own child to get her act together, then why should he? (it is a terrible thing to really say, because the child is innocent in all this) - but he needs to give her a hard dose of the truth. The problem is that he has gotten her interviews and even had her a job lined up and she decided that she was "too tired" to go so he has been trying to help and this is the reason why I'm so aggravated.
TigerCub Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 The problem is that he has gotten her interviews and even had her a job lined up and she decided that she was "too tired" to go so he has been trying to help and this is the reason why I'm so aggravated. Yeah people like her need to be cut off - if he isn't going to do that - she'll be mooching off of him forever, just move on, this is going to be a hopeless case.
Recommended Posts