Sanman Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 I haven't been on the boards for a while and as I just had a bit of a blowup with my SO, I need to vent. So, I have been in an LDR for about two years and we have managed to weather most issues quite easily in that time. However, getting engaged and married is really starting to tear us apart. We have made the decision that I will be moving to her state at the end of the year and we'll be getting engaged. For me, that means having to manage my current position, study for my licensing exam (in two states now), letting go of my side job slowly to make more time to study, and applying for jobs/attending interviews. While I am doing this, my full-time fellowship has had political problems with my boss having a fight with another dept and leading to her almost losing her position. In the mean-time I am just hoping nothing unravels before I leave. I am also trying to shop for an engagement ring, saving as much as I can, and planning a proposal. My gf just received a promotion that she really wanted, but means additional stress and long hours recently. She has also been stressing about our wedding and planning/paying for things. While she is stressing about that and wanting the wedding to be sooner (next summer), I am at my limit with work, studying, interviewing, dealing with the engagement. We just had a big blow up because she feels like I am too stressed and not being supportive of her concerns. She is also getting frustrated because I have been pushing back my licensing exam due to not having enough time to study. Meanwhile, I feel like I am turning my life upside down and moving somewhere new (where I don't know anybody) and spending a large chunk of my life savings to buy her the engagement ring she wants and all she can say is how I am not moving fast enough or doing enough while she gets to keep her job and friends and sacrifices nothing. All in all, it is just a frustrating situation and I hope we get through it. I really needed to vent, but any advice is certainly welcome.
shiver23 Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Hey, my two best friends actually cancelled all major wedding plans and just did a ceremony with only family because wedding planning was tearing them apart. They don't regret what they did and are very much in love over a year later. Your girlfriend sounds like she's getting a touch of "Bridezilla". Maybe talk to her best friend (maid of honor) and try to defuse the situation. You don't need everything blown out of proportion. What matters is your love and commitment to each other, not the wedding ceremony. Express your feelings to your love too. Plan a nice date (even if it's just a movie and cooking her dinner), and then after cuddling/sex, explain how stressed you feel. Massages from a lover work wonders as well when trying to remove tension. Good Luck. 4
Els Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Hey, Sanman. It's good to hear from you again. I had no idea your R was LD, to be perfectly honest. I haven't been on the boards for a while and as I just had a bit of a blowup with my SO, I need to vent. So, I have been in an LDR for about two years and we have managed to weather most issues quite easily in that time. However, getting engaged and married is really starting to tear us apart. We have made the decision that I will be moving to her state at the end of the year and we'll be getting engaged. For me, that means having to manage my current position, study for my licensing exam (in two states now), letting go of my side job slowly to make more time to study, and applying for jobs/attending interviews. While I am doing this, my full-time fellowship has had political problems with my boss having a fight with another dept and leading to her almost losing her position. In the mean-time I am just hoping nothing unravels before I leave. I am also trying to shop for an engagement ring, saving as much as I can, and planning a proposal. My gf just received a promotion that she really wanted, but means additional stress and long hours recently. She has also been stressing about our wedding and planning/paying for things. While she is stressing about that and wanting the wedding to be sooner (next summer), I am at my limit with work, studying, interviewing, dealing with the engagement. We just had a big blow up because she feels like I am too stressed and not being supportive of her concerns. She is also getting frustrated because I have been pushing back my licensing exam due to not having enough time to study. Meanwhile, I feel like I am turning my life upside down and moving somewhere new (where I don't know anybody) and spending a large chunk of my life savings to buy her the engagement ring she wants and all she can say is how I am not moving fast enough or doing enough while she gets to keep her job and friends and sacrifices nothing. All in all, it is just a frustrating situation and I hope we get through it. I really needed to vent, but any advice is certainly welcome. I feel that both of you are superimposing a lot of superficial things (expensive engagement ring, prepping for a wedding, etc) onto what really matters - your relationship and marriage. If her concern is that it isn't 'fast enough', surely she can compromise with a less expensive ring, and a simpler wedding? If she prefers to do everything perfectly (and there is no harm in that, really, you only get married once) , why the rush? Do you need to marry to be able to move? Can you not get engaged, move and close the distance, and THEN deal with the preparation and planning of the wedding rather than try to do it all together? I know this is unrelated, but an item of concern: you mention the LDR lasting two years. How much time have you spent together IRL during this LDR? Or were you together IRL before and the period of long-distance was 2 years, but your R was longer than that? 2
Author Sanman Posted May 8, 2013 Author Posted May 8, 2013 (edited) Hey, Sanman. It's good to hear from you again. I had no idea your R was LD, to be perfectly honest. I feel that both of you are superimposing a lot of superficial things (expensive engagement ring, prepping for a wedding, etc) onto what really matters - your relationship and marriage. If her concern is that it isn't 'fast enough', surely she can compromise with a less expensive ring, and a simpler wedding? If she prefers to do everything perfectly (and there is no harm in that, really, you only get married once) , why the rush? Do you need to marry to be able to move? Can you not get engaged, move and close the distance, and THEN deal with the preparation and planning of the wedding rather than try to do it all together? I know this is unrelated, but an item of concern: you mention the LDR lasting two years. How much time have you spent together IRL during this LDR? Or were you together IRL before and the period of long-distance was 2 years, but your R was longer than that? Hey Elswyth, Good to hear from you! To answer your (and other responders questions), We have been LDR the whole time due to career issues. However, we only live a few hours apart and usually see each other at least two weekends a month and talk/video chat every day. I'm a proponent of slowing down and moving the wedding back to summer 2015. At this point, this is all just conjecture as we have not put any money down anywhere. I will be moving at the end of the year before we get married, but she wants to get married sooner and for us to become settled while I want to wait to start planning after I start my new job and have a month or two to get over that and finding/furnishing a new place together (her current place is too small). I think a big part of the issue is that a lot of the stress is on my end since I am finishing and moving and she is already settled into her job and has friends there. I think she is getting impatient and the next thing she can plan is wedding since the job and proposal are really on me (and she can't look for a new place until I accept a position and know where I will work). So, she has nothing to think about but the wedding while I have ten other things to worry about before that and it is really starting to create a (small, but annoying) rift where we both feel alone in different places. Part of this is personality as well; she likes to rush and get things done quickly while I like to do things at a more moderate/relaxed pace. We are both fine with a small wedding, but I don't have a budget at my end until I finish moving, buy a ring and see how much money is left over. She really wants the ring of her dreams and is fine cutting the wedding budget to get it. I'm fine with that as well. As a side bar to Shiver, I really like your idea. However, recent history suggests if we try and plan a romantic evening, the person travelling will most likely fall asleep are some point, lol. We both have demanding careers and neither of us has gotten a good night's sleep in a while. Edited May 8, 2013 by Sanman 1
Els Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 (edited) When you explain your job/moving/financial stress to her, what does she say? Is she not understanding of the need to move the wedding ceremony back at all, given the current circumstances? Especially as you are the one having to move to be with her? Summer 2015 is quite a ways back, though... if you already feel ready for marriage, that sounds like quite a significant postponement, especially as we're only just getting into Summer 2013. I think it is possible to work a compromise into this in which you don't need to postpone til summer 2015, as you are moving at the end of the year. Try for end of 2014 instead? And just scale way back on the proposal, do a simple one first, splurge on the wedding ring instead? Not sure how you guys do things in the USA, but it really sounds like a small issue to me. The crux of the matter, though, I think, is not to allow this to become such a huge issue that it eats into the core of your relationship, which is the foundation that M should be based on in the first place. What is the purpose of having the wedding and ring of your dreams at just the 'right' time, if your relationship suffers for it? Edited May 8, 2013 by Elswyth
Author Sanman Posted May 8, 2013 Author Posted May 8, 2013 (edited) When you explain your job/moving/financial stress to her, what does she say? Is she not understanding of the need to move the wedding ceremony back at all, given the current circumstances? Especially as you are the one having to move to be with her? Summer 2015 is quite a ways back, though... if you already feel ready for marriage, that sounds like quite a significant postponement, especially as we're only just getting into Summer 2013. I think it is possible to work a compromise into this in which you don't need to postpone til summer 2015, as you are moving at the end of the year. Try for end of 2014 instead? And just scale way back on the proposal, do a simple one first, splurge on the wedding ring instead? Not sure how you guys do things in the USA, but it really sounds like a small issue to me. The crux of the matter, though, I think, is not to allow this to become such a huge issue that it eats into the core of your relationship, which is the foundation that M should be based on in the first place. What is the purpose of having the wedding and ring of your dreams at just the 'right' time, if your relationship suffers for it? She voices understanding, but I don't think she remembers how stressful all this really is. She feels like the best thing is to just get everything done quickly so we can relax while I am fine taking things slow. Like I said, a bit of a personality clash. She is also really excited and wants to do something. Though, she is getting to be a bit rigid through the process. She is the second of her friends to get married and the first was not that close, so we end up with a lot of dreams about how things should be. For example, she is really picky about her ring, but it a was difficult to get her to go ring shopping with me as she always pictured being surprised. However, I do not want to spend several grand on a ring she doesn't love and her original dream ring was extremely out of my price range ($25k). She finally agreed to shop with me and pick a few settings she really likes in my price range and I would surprise her with the final choice. While she is really down to earth most of the time, I feel the wedding thing is turning her into a mild bridezilla (my opinion at least). Then again, I really could care less about diamond rings and think the whole thing is a giant waste of money and a loss to our retirement accounts . So, maybe I need to be a better sport as well... it is important to her after all (though spending that much on a piece of jewelry kind of freaks my cheap person genes out). Edited May 8, 2013 by Sanman
Els Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 I'm certainly not suggesting that you don't give her a ring at all to save funds for retirement - honestly, you're a Fellow, you'll have plenty of funds to save in the near future. However, it seems like both of you could compromise better to prevent this (very miniscule IMO) issue from tearing both of you apart. How do you think you could do that?
Author Sanman Posted May 8, 2013 Author Posted May 8, 2013 I'm certainly not suggesting that you don't give her a ring at all to save funds for retirement - honestly, you're a Fellow, you'll have plenty of funds to save in the near future. However, it seems like both of you could compromise better to prevent this (very miniscule IMO) issue from tearing both of you apart. How do you think you could do that? I wasn't suggesting not giving her a ring either...then I would really be dead ! I'm just annoyed at having to spend quite so much because De Beers has been putting on a mass marketing campaign for years making people think that the size of a rock matters more than actual commitment and putting work in your relationship. But, that is life. Some of the most rational women I know have gotten caught up in ring envy. It just seems to be a fact of life. We're working on compromise. We did so on the ring and will have to figure out how to do it with the wedding. Things are better today as we made up, but this will bubble back up at some point as we need to discuss things. The real issue here is not the wedding itself, but my wanting some time and her wanting things to be done already. We'll have to figure it out. I really don't care when we have the wedding as long as I have some time to catch my breathe. I was fine with the end of 2014, but it means some of her family from out of town being in school and unable to make it to the wedding, hence summer 2015. 1
FitChick Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 She seems more concerned about having a party than a marriage. The compromise is: the smaller the wedding the sooner she can have it. Ideally you will live together at least six months before the wedding as an engaged couple and plan it together. Worst case scenario is you will decide not to get married and lose your deposit money.
Author Sanman Posted May 12, 2013 Author Posted May 12, 2013 She seems more concerned about having a party than a marriage. The compromise is: the smaller the wedding the sooner she can have it. Ideally you will live together at least six months before the wedding as an engaged couple and plan it together. Worst case scenario is you will decide not to get married and lose your deposit money. I don't think she is less concerned about the marriage, but most of our relationship choices are easy because we really don't fight (we disagree, but I am pretty laid back about most stuff and we usually compromise). The big thing here is I feel that in some ways we both have certain expectations. Both of our parents are going to be putting in money and I feel that she had talked to her parents and made plans prior to all this. I, being a guy have not done much of that previously and don't really have time to do so now with studying for board exams, fights/changes at work, job hunting, and trying to pick up extra hours to pay for the ring. However, until I sit down and deal with all of that I cannot really help making plans when she has things in her head and then it starts feel like that is all my fault. The other part is that because she got settled onto her job first it felt like a given that I would be moving. I have had to come to grips with compromising about big things (moving away from friends/family, making tough career decisions to relocate to her city rather than moving wherever I want for the best position). She has not had to do that within our relationship yet (with her family she has) and I feel like she is a bit unwilling to make that first big decision (moving the wedding farther back than she would like or compromising on wedding plans). Even when we talk about things like simpler plans or getting away there are issues (we talked about a destination wedding with just immediate family, but I wanted my two best friends along as I have no siblings and she has sisters. She disagreed and worried about her best friends being offended).
Els Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 Solely in regards to the wedding, sounds like you could just do a simple one and let her take 2 of her best friends too. 2 extra people would make very little difference to a wedding, I would think. So far that I have seen, invitations are usually handed out unilaterally. ie to close friends and siblings of both parties, etc. I have admittedly not heard of a wedding where one party could take their close friends and one could not, because the other party had more siblings. That being said, you feeling like you're the only person who has ever made compromises is a much bigger issue. Have you spoken to her about that? Does she feel the same way? How does moving to her relocation affect your residency?
Author Sanman Posted May 13, 2013 Author Posted May 13, 2013 Solely in regards to the wedding, sounds like you could just do a simple one and let her take 2 of her best friends too. 2 extra people would make very little difference to a wedding, I would think. So far that I have seen, invitations are usually handed out unilaterally. ie to close friends and siblings of both parties, etc. I have admittedly not heard of a wedding where one party could take their close friends and one could not, because the other party had more siblings. That being said, you feeling like you're the only person who has ever made compromises is a much bigger issue. Have you spoken to her about that? Does she feel the same way? How does moving to her relocation affect your residency? The wedding issue is here nor there, but she didn't want to invite her friends because she feared inviting two would make others jealous(she has more than two close friends). I just didn't want my parents to be the only ones there with me as they are older, have health issues, and are anything but a calming influence. The friends I wanted are more like brothers and I have known them since I was age 5. That is not really an issue as we decided to have a more traditional wedding after that. We had a talk last night and things are better. As I am the one moving, filing for a new professional license, taking a new job, etc, I let her know that I needed the schedule to closer to my liking than hers so I could balance everything. She agreed to push plans back to 2015. She is a little disappointed as she was excited, but she understands. Besides, I think she rather take time and have us be happy than do things quicker and be at each others' throats (she had many wonderful qualities, but patience is not her strong suit). My feeling of being the one to make all the big sacrifices has to do with my training taking longer than hers and her obtaining a dream job in that time. As I am taking my first real job post fellowship after I move, it means that I am limiting my job prospects severely and moving to a place where I have no friends/family while draining a good chunk (most) of my savings for a ring. The more laid back wedding schedule is the first major thing that she has had to give up in this process. I really didn't make a big deal about all the sacrifices until our convo last night because I didn't want to make her feel bad, but in doing so I think all the sacrifice went a bit overlooked. She understands better now that I am making this choice so that we can be together rather than because it my dream to live there, because there is any dream job for me, etc.
Harlequin_Dog Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 (edited) About the ring- is she absolutely set on a natural diamond ring? Diamonds are expensive, extremely inflated in cost, and almost always involve major environmental damage and loss of human and animal life. She could ge the ring of her dreams in a diamond substitute. One suggestion is a lab-created diamond like those from Gemesis.The company makes actual diamond- it's carbon based and literally impossible to tell apart from the real thing. They actually have to lazer engrave a "signature" into the stones at a microscopic level so jewelers can tell if it's "fake" or not. I'm getting this in my ring, and it is literally impossible to tell the difference. Plus I get perfect stones for a (major) fraction of the cost. And honestly, beyond you and her, no one has to know it's not natural diamond. (And bullocks to someone who would be so lacking as to insult or judge you based off of that.) Edited May 17, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redact commercial web link
Author Sanman Posted May 15, 2013 Author Posted May 15, 2013 (edited) About the ring- is she absolutely set on a natural diamond ring? Diamonds are expensive, extremely inflated in cost, and almost always involve major environmental damage and loss of human and animal life. She could ge the ring of her dreams in a diamond substitute. One suggestion is a lab-created diamond like those from Gemesis.The company makes actual diamond- it's carbon based and literally impossible to tell apart from the real thing. They actually have to lazer engrave a "signature" into the stones at a microscopic level so jewelers can tell if it's "fake" or not. I'm getting this in my ring, and it is literally impossible to tell the difference. Plus I get perfect stones for a (major) fraction of the cost. And honestly, beyond you and her, no one has to know it's not natural diamond. (And bullocks to someone who would be so lacking as to insult or judge you based off of that.) Thanks for the input. I have actually checked out gemesis. The problem is that gemesis rings are much better with smaller stones. 1 carat and larger rings tend to show a significant amount of yellowing. As she wants a diamond larger than 1 carat it is not really an option. Edited May 17, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Harlequin_Dog Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 (edited) Thanks for the input. I have actually checked out gemesis. The problem is that gemesis rings are much better with smaller stones. 1 carat and larger rings tend to show a significant amount of yellowing. As she wants a diamond larger than 1 carat it is not really an option. I actually just saw a 2 carat gemsis stone in real life- just last saturday, to be exact! (It was between that stone and a sapphire for the center for my own ring.) They just got the process to make larger stone down in about the past 3-6 months, and the stone I saw was exceptionally clear and stunning. (I had it next to a sapphire, moissanite and a diamond for comparison.) :] YMMV, but I'd definitely recommend giving them, along with other places like diamond nexus, heavy consideration. Edit: Obviously, her preferences and wants trump any advice though! I'm going the custom route for my ring too..so I get to be hyper picky about exactly which stones make the cut, and considering your SO wants to be surprised, that would probably not work at all for you. ;;>> Edited May 15, 2013 by Harlequin_Dog
justwhoiam Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 So women decide what ring they want for their engagement? And even the size of the stone/diamond? Yikes.
TMichaels Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 So women decide what ring they want for their engagement? And even the size of the stone/diamond? Yikes. Yes, they do. Quite often in fact. What's more, many men prefer to have that type of guidance especially if they know nothing about women's jewelry. Given it's often considered a once-in-a-lifetime type of purchase, it's not surprising they want to make sure they "get it right." Best, TMichaels
justwhoiam Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 Yes, they do. Quite often in fact. What's more, many men prefer to have that type of guidance especially if they know nothing about women's jewelry. Given it's often considered a once-in-a-lifetime type of purchase, it's not surprising they want to make sure they "get it right." Thanks for answering. Double yikes!
Els Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 Given it's often considered a once-in-a-lifetime type of purchase, it's not surprising they want to make sure they "get it right." Interesting. Where I come from, people only really wear their engagement rings for a few months to a year tops, after which the wedding rings are exchanged during the wedding ceremony. So the wedding ring is the ring that people wear for the rest of their life, not the engagement ring - hence why I don't understand why the engagement ring needs to be that special. Do people generally wear the engagement ring throughout the marriage, in the USA? That being said, I definitely agree that it's always a good idea to get your partner's input for large purchases.
TMichaels Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 Do people generally wear the engagement ring throughout the marriage, in the USA? Yes. And often the engagement and wedding rings are a "matched set." Google "wedding ring sets" for images and you'll see engagement rings usually contain "the bling" and the wedding band often doesn't though sets with embellishment on both bands have become more popular despite their cost. Best, TMichaels
Author Sanman Posted May 24, 2013 Author Posted May 24, 2013 Interesting. Where I come from, people only really wear their engagement rings for a few months to a year tops, after which the wedding rings are exchanged during the wedding ceremony. So the wedding ring is the ring that people wear for the rest of their life, not the engagement ring - hence why I don't understand why the engagement ring needs to be that special. Do people generally wear the engagement ring throughout the marriage, in the USA? That being said, I definitely agree that it's always a good idea to get your partner's input for large purchases. Hmm, interesting cultural difference. It would certainly stop the engagment ring size race going on here. The original ring my gf wanted (not knowing prices) was in the $25k range. Even my 'budget' ring will be $5-7k.
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