SNH1993 Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Hello, me and my ex gf broke up about a month ago over an on and off drug problem i had while we were in a relationsip. We were in a relationship for 18 months and during that time we had a couple of minor break-ups which lasted about a wek and then we would get back together. We had been good friends before we ever entered a relationship with one another for about a year. I did another xanax binge last month and she decided to break up with me again but this time was different and she didn't just come back like she usually did the previous times. She has till been coming over everyday and it's as if we never broke up to begin with when we do see each other but just the other day she said "I don't think i can be in a relationship with you right now, the drugs have done too much damage". I'm completely aware the break-up was my fault but even after that she still acts as if we are in a relationship when we are together.. She still spends the night, kisses, cuddles, etc. all the normal things you would do in a relationship. I'm basically trying to decide if she just doesn't want to commit to a relationship without being able to trust that i am done with the drugs for good and is just trying to take things slow for the time being or it's more just a comfortability thing for her. She's just comfortable around me so it's easy for her to do these things people would normally do in a relationship? I honeslty don't know, all of this leaves me confused as hell and most of the time i find myself over-thinking things. It's like a constant roller-coaster of emotions day in and day out. If any of you have any insight or advice you could shed on the situation that you think might be helpful i would appreciate it.
swiftly333 Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 I think the real problem is the drug habit and not mending this relationship. She broke up with you because no drug addict is fit to be in a relationship to begin with. (I speak from experience). And this must true in this case, as evidenced by the fact you guys had the on again off again thing - that's not a healthy relationship. Do you want to be with her? If so what I suggest is you get some help: therapy , rehab, whatever. Then tell her since you're in recovery and trying be a better person that you cannot handle the rollercoaster of emotions or the mixed signals because it's too hard. I would say she might need help, too, because it doesn't seem healthy for her to break up with you, for what is probably a really good reason, then pretend it's like you're together. Maybe you guys take this time apart to better yourselves and become stronger ad individuals and see what happens after. Well, that's my advice anyways.... Best of luck to you. 1
Author SNH1993 Posted May 10, 2013 Author Posted May 10, 2013 Yeah, i know the reason she broke up with me to begin with. it's been a little over a month since i touched the drug and i don't intend on going back. Yes i do want to be with her and I figured it wouldn't be a good idea to just cut contact with her completely considering the circumstances of my situation. If i did, she would really have no clue if i was using again or i had remained clean like i said i was going to. We had been good friends before the relationship started so I have no problem being friends with her, but i do feel like you are right about it not being healthy to do what we are doing now. I don't know whether to take it as her just taking things slow and seeing what happens with me or if it is more of just a comfortability thing for her. She just does what she is used to doing and more of just a habit you know. She says she comes over because she genuinely likes spending time with me and if she didn't want to be in my life she wouldn't bother coming over at all. She's not one of those people that believes in the whole "friend-zone" bs. Like i said, we were good friends for about a year before we even started the relationship so her coming over just to use me for whatever reason isn't really a concern of mine. She hits me up to chill at any time of the say, not just when she's feeling down or sad and she also asks to pay for things when we go out to eat and things like that. She has always been a genuine person, i know it sounds liek a cliche thing to say on these forums but she has always been honest and up front with me about everything.
Author SNH1993 Posted May 10, 2013 Author Posted May 10, 2013 Thank you for your input btw, nobody else seemed to care or really have any input regarding my situation
swiftly333 Posted May 11, 2013 Posted May 11, 2013 What you're.going through is a a tough situation and I think a lot of people don't have a clue either. I felt the need to respond because it hits close to home for me. I was in a relationship with a wonderful man. We had a real loving relationship based on trust and friendship and mutual respect. But it ended because he started drinking/using excessively. We had to end it because it wasn't helping either of us. But it took me almost a year to leave because it hard to leave someone you still love and care for. But he needed to fix himself. He had nothing to give in that condition and I had to give an love for both of us. For me it was hard to leave because I cared so much an I wanted to be there for him. I felt I needed to care for him. Watch him. I was scared of what would happen if I left an if he was alone. But he needed to work on himself and I became exhausted. I rode the fence for a year about leaving, but I didn't until my ex told me I needed.to because he saw ho much I struggled, he saw it weighing on me an he said he didn't want to hold me back and also that he needed to work on himself. It was selfless act of love letting me go. Perhaps you need to be that person in this relationship as well. Sounds like even though she realizes this isn't a healthy/good situation she just can't do the hard part of letting you go. We didn't go no contact, but very limited so that we could both heal. And to this day we still care for and have a fondness for each other, but I know i can't be with him, and its just one of this hard facts of life. And I'll probably never really be "over it" completely because of the situation, but I moved on. Even though he doing better, I know that after all that's happened and I don't think I could ever go back to.that because I would be constantly afraid of reliving all of that. I'm glad you've been clean for some time, but that doesn't mean it's no longer a problem. I still strongly encourage you to get help, get a support system in place, an start working on the hard on self work necessary to figure out why this is an issue an how you can get resolution within your self. I know people feel differently about therapy, but I think you could.both benefit from it. I have. Feel free to PM me if you feel you need someone to talk to. I really empathize with your situation and I imagine it's hard for you. Stay strong.
Author SNH1993 Posted May 11, 2013 Author Posted May 11, 2013 Wow, i am so glad you are here responding and sharing a females perspective on my situation. The things you said about being scared to commit and relive through all of the alcoholism again really hit home hard for me because that is exactly what my ex is afraid of. pretty much in those exact words. She came over again last night, spent the night, we had sex, etc. etc. And my mom said the same thing as what you said, she told me that obviously she loves me but also thinks as you said, she is afraid to let go. I really want to make ythese this relationship work but i'm hoping with time she will see i have changed and decide to give it another go. Also, how do you PM on this site? im new here and can't seem to find out how to so please excuse my ignorance regarding that.
Author SNH1993 Posted May 12, 2013 Author Posted May 12, 2013 alright, update on situation : We were texting each other telling each other how much we miss each other and itold her than i just wanted to take things slow and go with the flow and she said that she agreed that we should just take things slow and see where it goes. Do you guys think that is a good sign of possible reconciliation considering i don't screw up?
SimonSerenade Posted May 12, 2013 Posted May 12, 2013 It's a very good sign man, don't think too much into though, don't think at all and go at the pace she indicates, your in a better place now than you were, most of us would do anything for the chance you've got now, Take her out to a few coffees and talk like normal but NO TALKING ABOUT THE PAST, she wants to see the best version of you, not a reminder of why she left, there will come a time in the future if all goes well that you'll sit down and talk about it all but honesty there's some things that just don't matter in life. Past mistakes vein one of them, good luck
Author SNH1993 Posted May 12, 2013 Author Posted May 12, 2013 Thank you Simon, we chiled last night for a bit but she got upset because she thought i was talking weird like i used to talk while i was on the xanax, then she got irritated and left becausei guess it brought up bad memories from when i was on the xanax. But we texted after she left and cleared things up and she said she believed me straight to my face before she did actually leave and started texting. The thing was that I NEVER was on the xanax and it hurt me to think with how hard i was trying that she would just jump to that assumption. I was at a loss for words, i felt like all my hard work had gone to nothing if she was going to just jump to that conclusion that night anyway. It hurt bad, i felt like i had lost her again for good but we cleared things up through texting later that night after she left. And now shes been texting today saying not to worry about it and i suggested that we get out of my house more when we chill and go do things outside like the park, the beach, etc. and she agreed. She said last night that we are still friends and she wasn't sure what the future would bring as she couldn't make any promises about us together again. But everything seems fine now, so i'll take your advice and just go slow and look at it as a friendship as opposed to a friendship with me having hopes of getting back together.
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