jkgiants Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 My wife and I separated after 25+ years of marriage. Separation was my idea. I moved out almost 3 months ago. I was really miserable for many years. If it was just about my wife and I I would have no misgivings whatsoever. The problem is the kids We haven't told our daughters, who are 20 and 23. The 20-year-old is overseas for a semester and will be back in about one month. The older daughter lives several hundred miles away. Over the past three months my wife and I have had to continually lie about where we were-what we were doing, where the other one was. I am incredibly close to both kids and feel horrible deceiving them. Among the problems is the logistics. The older one will be coming back home in a couple of weeks to receive an award- a joyous occasion. My instinct is for my wife and I to go visit my older daughter before she comes home and tell her face-to-face. That would entail asking her to not tell our younger daughter until she comes home. Then we could celebrate the award with her and be open. In addition to asking the older child not tell the younger child we also have the problem of how we tell our younger daughter right after she gets off the plane, jet lagged, following five months abroad. This is further complicated by the fact that the older daughter is studying for a test that will determine whether she can get into her dream graduate school. What my wife would like to do is have me move back home when our older daughter visits and pretend that everything was okay. Then move back home when the younger daughter returns. She would then have both girls visit us and we would tell them together face-to-face. I find it hard to imagine that we can pull it off. I would have to move everything back into the home, pictures desks, etc. And it all involves a level of deceit that I find unfathomable. I also suspect that are older child has some inkling of what is going on. This is really difficult. I am open to any constructive thoughts anyone on this forum might have. Thanks.
2sure Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Oh gosh that's tough. I would say wait until the younger daughter gets home , fly the other home for a weekend and tell them together. Don't take away the award ceremony for your daughter by over shadowing it with this dark news. I'm surprised you've gone as far as moving out of the house prior to telling your daughters. So, you've been lying to them already. I'm sure they will want to know what the urgency was? Did they suspect the marriage was failing? Those answers make a difference.
Author jkgiants Posted May 8, 2013 Author Posted May 8, 2013 Yes, the kids knew were having difficulty. My wife is extremely difficult to live with and the kids have their own struggles with her. But the only way to not tell the older one is for me to actually move back into the house-pictures, desk, my compute.. everything. Then I would have to spend three or four days when she's home actively lying to her. And I think she suspects something is wrong. What if she asks us? The problem is that my wife and I have to agree about how to do this. If it was up to me we would've told the older one quite a while ago, actually right before she went to visit the younger one overseas. Then we would've skyped with the younger one just before her older sister got there. Then they would've had each other. On the other hand, it would have seriously damaged what was a very joyous 10 days they spent together. Unfortunately, there are no easy answers to this. But I do appreciate any assistance that people on this forum can give, especially since many of you have been through this already.
2sure Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 I think youre going to have to treat them like the adults they are. They sound accomplished. Taking such efforts to lie to them....makes it worse. Anyway you can visit the older one prior to the ceremony? Sounds like this is going to be a difficult phone call. Anyway you and your wife could manage to call them together?
CarrieT Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 If your younger daughter already has an inkling, don't add insult to injury by perpetuating the lie by moving back home. I think your daughters are well on their way to adulthood and can take the news. Frankly, I see no reason to wait at all. I would tell them as soon as possible; that will give your award-winning daughter time to digest the news and it won't diminish her getting her award. If you time it when she comes home, then she will blame you for lying to her. Give them more credit than I think you are and get the deed done sooner rather than later.
Author jkgiants Posted May 8, 2013 Author Posted May 8, 2013 I basically agree. The problem is that my wife doesn't. She said that refuses to tell the older one prior to her taking her graduate school admission test. Which is the same day that our younger daughter gets home. I would like both of us to go visit the older daughter and tell her. If my wife refuses, I may have to visit my daughter and tell her myself. That is not the way to do this.
lozzy94 Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 That's really tough. As a girl who has divorced parents who have both remarried I have to say, honesty is the best policy. I know my step sisters have both had major difficulties with their dad after he continuously kept things from him regarding his new (and horrible) wife. It's going to be hard and they may have to see a counsellor, etc. But you have to remember that it's not your fault you feel this way and you can't keep lying to them to make them feel safe. Timing is everything though so I agree that maybe you fly both of them home, it's always good to tell them together because having a sibling to support you is invaluable.
Author jkgiants Posted May 8, 2013 Author Posted May 8, 2013 Thanks. I totally understand the need to tell them at the same time. The difficulty is that the younger one is in Africa for another month and the older one is coming home in 2 weeks. The only way to tell them at the same time is to lie to the older one by moving back in for her visit (my wife's plan). I am thinking our best option is for both of us to drive to visit the older one and tell her together. That would give her the week or two before the award ceremony. Hopefully the award would be able to be a joyous event. We would have to ask her to wait a couple of weeks before she talked to the younger one. Then there is the problem with telling the younger one. She will travel 25 hours or so from Africa and we will pick her up at the airport. She will be jetlagged and coming home to a house with her father has moved out, so we will be hitting her with this almost immediately. Yuck.
cozycottagelg Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Wow...that is seriously a tough situation. I hate to encourage lying, or having to put on a show..but your daughters are going through some life changing things themselves. I hope that whatever you decide, you are at peace with it and that it works out for you, your wife and your daughters. Good luck. Truly.
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