lovehappens Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 My husband of 26 years and I have never really hung out much with other couples but met a couple and started hanging out with them a year ago, the guys work together and I met the girlfriend six months ago. Our visiting them and them with us has recently increased to at least three weekends a month and usually both Fridays and Saturdays. They were both married and cheating on their spouses, whom they're now divorced from, when they met. They've been living together about five years. Up until this time my husband and I didn't hang out with anyone except each other and my husband loves the fact that we have this new friendship with them. He counts her guy as his best friend and vice versa. I like them too but am remaining cautious for the following reasons. 1. she wears very skimpy clothing all the time we're around and her husband even asked me one night while we were all four sitting at the table if I had a problem with that (red flag #1) 2. Two weeks later he asks me the same question again and my husband speaks up and says "what he's trying to say is, would you have a problem with it especially if I come over here to work on my truck and he's not home and she comes out to talk to me in skimpy clothes"? (red flag #2) 3. The following week my husband and I are having just a general conversation about the two. I told him about how she was upset that her guy made suggestions to her that they find complete strangers and make out together and she told him that was not her desire. My husband then mentions that her guy and him spoke on the phone recently and her guy hinted to my husband that he wondered what it would be like to see us all having sex together, I don't know if he really said that or if my fantasizing husband made that up to see what my reaction would be. I told him this guy can keep dreaming, it's not gonna happen. My husband agreed but said "don't get me wrong but if you allowed it I'd ----the hell out of her in a heartbeat. (red flag #3) My husband and I have a pretty active and exciting sex life but so do they, except they like to let us know about it too verbally every time we're around them. I may be making a mountain out of a mole hill but here is what I see happening: I think my husband is attracted to her and tries not to let it show except I see how he looks at her and hangs onto her every word. I don't believe for a minute that my husband would purposely cheat on me, he shows me in so many ways that he loves me. But I'm afraid he'll go over there one day and her guy isn't home and she goes out and talks to him and maybe plays a pity card cause her guy got her upset and she starts to come on to my husband or maybe some other scenario. I'm sure my husband would stop it dead in it's tracks, but what if he doesn't? My husband has expressed to me that he thinks her guy is attracted to me too and said "I think if given the chance he would try to get with you". My husband doesn't realize that even though we're friends I find her guy to be too overbearing, too conceited and too pushy". Besides, I am totally committed to my husband and would never dream of cheating, and I definitely don't fantasize about this guy! But I think my husband has fantasized about her a lot! It makes me wonder while we're making love. I've asked him if we can spend less time with them and his response was "I don't think our time with them is too excessive". Should I have cause for concern? If so, how do I talk to my husband about it when every time I try he just gets mad at me and says "I don't understand why you feel that way, we finally found friends to hang out with that actually act like they want to be around us" (he said this because we attempted to make friends with this other couple once and they didn't reciprocate). How can I comfortably express my feelings with all three of them while we're sitting at the table without my husband getting pissed and them thinking I'm crazy? I feel we're spending too much time together and should limit it some before something ends up happening! Please help!
KraftDinner Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Whoa man. I'm so sorry, this SUCKS. Your husband is totally emotionally (if not physically) into this woman. And he's playing innocent when you express discomfort with it. He would eff the shjt out of her? That is SO disrespectful that he said that. He's so gaga about the whole situation that he really doesn't care how it affects you. Unbelievable. This is particularly harsh for you because it's all happening right in front of you and it seems like your husband won't even entertain the idea of talking to you about it. Is there any chance the two of you could go away for a weekend? Just the two of you, definitely NOT the creepy couple. You need to remove him from this situation and get his attention and tell him that this is so not cool. 4
Author lovehappens Posted May 8, 2013 Author Posted May 8, 2013 how do I get his attention and explain that this is not cool? I know he's up for us going and doing something just the two of us when I mentioned it, but I don't know a tactful way of telling him that this is not cool. He says I'm overreacting and that there is nothing to worry about. He told me the other day that he would never think of cheating on me especially with his best friend's girl, I believe him. I think this is why he gets so angry when I try to tell him how I feel about them or her.
2sure Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Sounds to me like all three of them, or at least both husbands, have plans. Your husband is making these comments as a way of getting used to the idea of a partner swap. If he were to cheat on you with the other wife, it wouldn't be an accident, it wouldn't be because she was wearing sexy clothing...it would be because he agreed to. Tell him no. Tell him you aren't comfortable seeing that much of anyone. Tell the wife...I'm embarrassed to say I think my husband feels inappropriately about you, it isn't your fault, but even his comments are not ok with me. So what if your husband doesn't agree? I wouldn't want to see my family as often as that. And being made uncomfortable in your home? Out of the question. 3
analystfromhell Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 I've observed that the best way to communicate your concerns, preferences and thoughts is to be VERY direct- state how you feel and the outcome you'd like. Especially to your husband who might be a bit caught up in the prospect and novelty of the situation it's pretty unlikely he would recognize or analyze the finer points of a more subtle style- be bold, be obvious and most importantly, be blunt is my recommendation. 1
xxoo Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Yep, they are planning something, and trying to warm you up to it. And they are too blinded by their own selfish desires to notice or care that you aren't enjoying it. If they ever bring this stuff up in a group again, firmly state that is a discussion for you and your husband to have in private. And then in private, tell your husband that you are uncomfortable with the sex talk. Tell him it disgusts you to talk about sex (yours, theirs) with that man. Tell him that he needs to tell his friend to back off. Boundaries!
dichotomy Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 (edited) They appear (all of them) to be pushing your buttons and trying to influence you or make you uncomfortable. They find it ammsuing to get your goat? It is clear from your post that this lifestyle they are proposing or scheming to drag you into.... is against your beliefs - so why not push their buttons back a little? Next time anything close to comes up simply say something like "I just love having sex with my husband, I am a bit of a wild woman, but I think cheating or stepping outside of marriage is so weak and selfish, I just don't need more than my great man and I know he feels the same about me - right honey?" Your husband saying "if you were ok with this I would F her" already has crossed the line for you I think. If he ever brings this up again why not tease him with a smile "well if you did f' her I think I would love to spend some quality time with another female too ........ a female lawyer who would f you in return" The key with any of this - is to not to say it in a way that sounds weak or angry or hurt - but rather with a strong devilish smile - that says silently "I not a prude, I get the game here, and I can play too - so lets stop it". But this is not going well. Establish boundaries with a smile - then harder if needed. Edited May 8, 2013 by dichotomy 2
NotRegretful Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 I wouldn't want these people at my house...period! It's quite obvious they are into a swinging deal or maybe her husband wants to see his gf with another man or what not and thats why her dressing provactively around you and your husband has come into play. I would shut this fantasy down quickly and efficiently. For all you know the husband has already spoken to you husband about this and he's all in...expect for well ummmm you his wife! This has bad written all over it..and I personally would discontinue this twisted friendship asap!
LovelyLife Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 Such a powerful word. No - do not ever disrespect me or our vows by making a statement like that again. No - if you f*ck her - then no to this marriage. No - I won't be hanging out with them again. No - YOU won't be hanging out with them. No - I don't want one more word of this (if it comes up when you are with them again) this nonsense coming up. No - Lady - I don't like the way you dress. You look like a tramp and I don't want to be seen in public with you. Can I ask - are you afraid on some level? 2
LuckyLady13 Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 It really sounds like they are trying to change your mind and I think what your husband said to you is so unbelievably disrespectful! Please do yourself a big favor here and learn to respect yourself so that other people respect you. LovelyLife is right. No is a very powerful word and it seems it's a word you need to learn to use more often.
Mr. Lucky Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 I wouldn't be surprised at all to find out these 3 have already had some kind of threesome (MFM). Clearly, the men have an agenda and you're the only hold out. It's only a matter of time before your husband is all over this woman (if it hasn't already happened). I doubt this is true. Your husband isn't a bad guy, he's just lost sight of some things in pursuit of an adolescent group-sex fantasy (BTW, most every man has had this technicolor tableau pass through their head at some point). Should be easy for you to get him back on track. Sit him down and tell him that your love for him is tied into your complete opposition to his fantasy. Lay your cards on the table and tell him what you suspect. Be honest about your feelings about this other couple. Give him a chance to be the man you think he is. Let us know how he responds... Mr. Lucky 1
Author lovehappens Posted May 9, 2013 Author Posted May 9, 2013 Thank you all for good advice. Especially Mr. Lucky. You hit the nail on the head. I don't believe anything has happened either. And NO I'm not afraid of anything or saying anything. I am a woman who speaks her mind. The only thing that has held me back is the fact that my husband has recently told me that a fantasy is just that, a fantasy that just stays in your mind but you don't act on it. So, I think just talking to him about the way I feel should suffice for now and then watch, listen and wait. And if nothing comes of this great and if something does come of this then I will defina tely attack with full force and they won't know what hit them! I am going to keep in mind the comments I could say that dichotomy said and the NO advice I liked that! thank you all for good advice and for listening.
KraftDinner Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 Such a powerful word. No - do not ever disrespect me or our vows by making a statement like that again. No - if you f*ck her - then no to this marriage. No - I won't be hanging out with them again. No - YOU won't be hanging out with them. No - I don't want one more word of this (if it comes up when you are with them again) this nonsense coming up. No - Lady - I don't like the way you dress. You look like a tramp and I don't want to be seen in public with you. Can I ask - are you afraid on some level? Yes yes yes! (To this post)
ComingInHot Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 love happens wrote, " I think this is why he gets so angry when I try to tell him how I feel about them or her." When I think of "angry" responses, it sometimes come from an unwarranted defensive position or an attempt to distract the questioning party from the topic of which the questioned party holds some guilt. Your H should Not get "angry" when you share your feelings w/him. ESPECIALLY when's he's Told you, "don't get me wrong but if you allowed it I'd ----the hell out of her in a heartbeat."!!! That's messed up. There IS a Big problem. I don't know if this has been pointed out yet, but you Do realize you are hanging out with Cheaters right?!! Cheaters that cheated on their spouses, broke up families to be together, still Not M to each other after 5 years, and talk (along w/your H now talking) about group sex. It may be time to seek MC so an outside figure can put things into perspective for both of you** 1
LovelyLife Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 I'm not afraid. As long as you know you DO have power in this situation (which now it seems you do) - then bide your time. *hugs to you*
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