Eternal Sunshine Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Your ex may have been legitimately crazy but I'll bet you were a bit crazy too if you were willing to put up with her. If you simply say, "my ex was crazy" that's usually only accounting for half the truth. Or a guy that says all his exs were crazy. I hit an eject button. The only common denominator to his exs is him. 5
JourneyLady Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Also would you be okay if men applied the same standard to women and how they talked about men? There are no double standards here are there? Yes I would. None of my exes has been exactly like another, even though some of them have some things in common. My recent ex thought me crazy at some point because he felt I was "watching him" and to him that felt like stalking. It wasn't constant, but I guess it was enough for him to feel some paranoia. But there was a reason - the reason being I was not sure he intended to break up -- that I may have taken something the wrong way. (In point of fact, I did misunderstand what he said - but in the end he decided best to not be in the R anyway.) So I was trying to figure out whether we were done or not without his input, and he thought he was being stalked for no reason. (This was only online by the way, because it was an LDR.) Unfortunately he mentioned this to other people who also now think I'm crazy... just because I wanted to know for sure if it was over. This, guys, is called "stonewalling". Stopping communication without saying that's what you are doing. Giving the silent treatment. It's a power play and it is crazy making. If you are breaking up with someone and going no contact -- then let the person know so they can move on without confusion. (This goes for women too - but usually it's guys that do this.) Do NOT use no contact for anything else, or just because you don't feel like dealing with a situation. If you don't want to talk yet - say so, and give a time frame. Anything else is a power play and designed to prevent someone from getting over you. (And just so you know, we are friendly at this point and do communicate intermittently. The stress of the R was just too much for either of us to bear at this point in time.)
TheBigQuestion Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 That type of talk just isn't early date material. Yeah, lots of women are bitches. So what? Frankly, I think that talking about other men or women as dating prospects on the first few dates to any degree is a bit unusual and off-putting, but that's just me.
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Yes. Every guy I've dated who said his mom was "crazy" ended up being verbally abusive toward me at some point. Always trust your gut. If a man starts talking badly about his mother, RUN. Even if he's not at fault, she's f*cked him up beyond your ability to repair it. Every woman from then on will be some sordid life force he views as an enemy whether he realizes it or not. A man's relationship with his mother reveals so much. And if she was a good woman, she has taught him to never use the words "bitch" or "psycho" or "crazy" when talking about women. It's common decency and respect that he will carry on to your relationship. I dated a man whose mom was legitimately a pill popping addict and he would NEVER have said those things about her. And he was a wonderful boyfriend. Guess she did something right. I have a great relationship with my mother. I talk to her regularly and we are very close. It's the women that I met AFTER my mother that made me generally dislike the female gender. Of course, this hasn't led me to be without women in my life.
lozzy94 Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 I have a lot of male friends who refer to their exes as crazy..at first i thought it was rude but then I started thinking it is probably just their way of dealing with it just like girls often do the same to their ex boyfriends. Neither is necessarily correct but I wouldn't call either a "red flag", i think often it is just a coping mechanism.
TheBigQuestion Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 I have a great relationship with my mother. I talk to her regularly and we are very close. It's the women that I met AFTER my mother that made me generally dislike the female gender. Of course, this hasn't led me to be without women in my life. Agreed. It's bizarre how so many lay people continue to adhere to Freudian nonsense when the vast, vast majority of the mental health community has abandoned it.
tbf Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Yes, it's a red flag both ways. The only commonality in all the relationships is the guy/girl. They either have broken people pickers or aren't admitting to their role in the cessation of the relationships. Say that someone's only complained about one or even two exes, where they've had other healthy relationships. It's possible to make mistakes, as long as they have some takeaway from the experience(s). Expressed misogyny is the ultimate deal breaker. 1
TheBigQuestion Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 I freely call her a crazy b*tch. Is that just my defense mechanism speaking? That depends on who you ask. Most reasonable people would say that yes, she was genuinely crazy. Other LoveShack posters will try to find a way to twist the situation so that it somehow ends up primarily being your fault. 1
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Nope. But you have a general disdain towards women. I feel sorry for any woman that dates you. Sorry, but no. I just have a tremendous amount of experience with women. You sound like a white knight that puts women on a pedestal. Let me know how that works out for you.
lozzy94 Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 For example, one of my exes seemed very nice at first until we got into a relationship. Then I found out she was hiding a kid from me and would get blackout drunk constantly. She would freak out at every little thing. When I broke up with her, she accused me of using her for sex and stalked me for a bit. I freely call her a crazy b*tch. Is that just my defense mechanism speaking? Fair point. But yeah I have considered that, weirdly enough I'm friends with all of their exes. I'm not saying they didn't do stupid stuff but the guys in the relationship also did stupid stuff too. I'm just saying in my experience often it isn't meant to be an offensive statement.
TheBigQuestion Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Are you referring to Over 30 Women's Posse? (I'd name names but the regulars know who they are) You know the ones in this Posse, they will rail against men regardless of reason, logic or the truth? Of course they are NEVER to blame for making a decade of piss poor choices with the men they chose to date, the abuse they allowed happen / continue, etc. throughout their 20s. It's why they are so objective and never project their screwed up history with dating / men onto you or your situation. You know who they are. The key to making this board a place to discuss dating, relationship, and gender issues free of their contributions is to simply ignore what they have to say. Generally speaking, people don't stick around on internet message boards if the people they are trying to get a rise out of refuse to even acknowledge their existence. Just some food for thought.
charlietheginger Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 My ex wife hid her drinking from me.... it wasnt so bad at first 3\4 beers a night after 5 yrs It became a 6 pack a night. Then 10 yrs later 6 pack Turned into 9 10 untill black out. This was about 3 nites in a row 4 th day was the sick Day no drinking becuase she felt like crap. Day 5 back To drinking 3 days in a row. In 10 yrs time she had 8 diff jobs. Each job lasted shorter Untill she was just a stay at home drunk on unemployment. Pack of cigs a day 6bucks Booze.$10 a day = 400 500 a month habit even more when she drank with Friends Her last job she met a guy that sweet talked her he Sexed her up. She moved out to be with him. 6 Months later they broke up and shortly after she Lost her job. Had the nerve to call me and want to Hangout.... What a joke. Charlie dont play that. Telling me she Cut back on the booze and cigs. 1
whatdreamsmaycome Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Or a guy that says all his exs were crazy. I hit an eject button. The only common denominator to his exs is him. Haha! So good and so true! I would definitely say that, to me personally, if a man states that his exes were "crazy", "psycho" or a "bitch" while we're dating, it would put up a red flag right away. It shows how much he respected his previous relationships. It's safe to say that most relationships has it's "stuff" (ranging anywhere from petty arguments about which way the toilet paper roll is supposed to hang out, to some of the stories mentioned here about alcohol abuse that led to blackouts). Regardless, to me, it's a sign of bitterness and lack of tact to express that with someone you're simply dating. But definitely let me know these stories when we're in a relationship because sometimes they're really funny
serial muse Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 (edited) Yes, it's a red flag both ways. The only commonality in all the relationships is the guy/girl. They either have broken people pickers or aren't admitting to their role in the cessation of the relationships. Say that someone's only complained about one or even two exes, where they've had other healthy relationships. It's possible to make mistakes, as long as they have some takeaway from the experience(s). Expressed misogyny is the ultimate deal breaker. Exactly. Frankly, I wouldn't think it's appropriate for a guy (or girl) to rag on an ex, even a legitimately crazy one, on the first date or before we've even met. But if it came out later in dating that there's a crazy ex in the past, and it didn't result in a general hatred toward an entire gender, I'd take it seriously. Saying "bxtches be crazy" or shxt like that, though? Nope, bye, regardless of when it happens. Bad individuals are plausible, but as tbf says, the only common denominator in ALL your bad relationships is you. Level-headedness is key. As for family - again, I think you can have legitimately off the wall family members, sure. It's how you represent them that matters. Someone spontaneously says to me, on a first date, "my family is all nuts and I hate them" - I would find that very alarming. I guess what it comes down to is whether there seems to be a LOT of misplaced anger. Those kinds of angry people seem to think the world owes them something, and frankly, I'm not interested in paying a debt I didn't earn. Edited May 8, 2013 by serial muse 1
sillyanswer Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Is it a red flag either way? I hadn't really thought about this much before reading your other thread, but now that you mention it... I do tend to steer clear of OLD profiles (of women) that talk negatively about men.
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