me

[Tod80]

So i hope you read all of this and tell me straight up what I need to do, Im basically in the Air Force and 2 and a bit years ago one of my best friends gf said she wanted to set me up with her best friend on a blind date. I was like ok this sounds a bit of fun so i went and met my just turned ex. we hit it off brilliant and she was ok that i was in the airforce and said it wasnt a problem, she had recently split up with a guy 3 weeks before but she didnt seem cut up but he did leave her. Anyway it had taken us about 5 - 6 months to take it to the next stage i had been frustrated throughout all this time and asked her why had it take so long and we had a little argument and i realised this girl is so insecure it is unbelievable she told me she had been raped when she was younger but i and this sounds nasty but i think she only said it to keep me ... i asked her best friend about it who she tells everything and i mean everything but she said she didnt no anything about it at all. Me and her had it brilliant i eventually met her parents and got on with them like a house on fire we went out all the times for meals and me and her dad watched football went drinking and ws planning fishing trips away and this makes my break up harder because i will miss them very much as well.

 

after a few months of being together i noticed some self harm marks on her arms scars they were she hadnt done it since we were together .. i confronted her not directly but got it out of her and she said she didnt no why she did it but i put it down to her insecrurity about her weight.. ya see she is absoloutley gorgeous but is so underweight as she sometimes cant even get into soze 6 clothes and she still goes to the gym everyday her bf mum says when she sees her at the gym she looks ill. So back to the self harming i think thats was why she did it and once we had an argument and i went round to her house 1 day after and saw another on her arm she said it was because i was going to leave her .. tbh this sounds like i feel sorry for her but i do and still loved her even more as i wanted to protect her. all of this was within the first 7 months of us being together.

 

We went abroad on our first holiday and it was brilliant best holiday ever.. i was getting deployed to afghanistan for a few months when we got back and she made this little photo album of us both in it with loads of messages saying she cant wait to spend the rest of our lives together etc .. i still have this now and cant throw it away.

 

We have always had little arguments because she says i wind her up all the time and this is the reason she says we have broken up because i couldnt stop winding her up and in all fairness she had told me and told but i didnt listen but it is just who i am and when i say wind her up its just the normal bf gf things .. like id grab her face and give her a big kiss or hug her to hard or something.

 

she never came to my base at weekends or even when she had time off she never seemed interested and said it was to far drive but i did every weekend with out fail and its a 3 hour drive and costs a lot in petrol and i find it hard financially as well as im saving for a house she never told me how much cash shes got but she also has a good job and lives at home and doesnt have to pay a penny and her parents do everything for her and she is very spoilt.

 

So here is the main part of the split were sat in a bar a few months ago and she had just got back from NY with her best friend and me i am and openely admit i do get a bit jealous easily and have a short fuse... we were sat in a bar when she got back and i said can i see pics of ur trip she said yes ofc so we looked on her phone as she forgot the camera and i was also looking at them on her fb and as i ws looking this is genuine i did click on messages on accident and i saw a message flicker up off her old manager she used to work with before i met her.. i confronted her and said whats all this about nd she denied ever having a message i said iv just seen it.. after arguing in the bar she admitted she had it on her phone i said when we get back to urs it will still be on ur laptop she then said she wouldnt show me i finally got it out of her and messaged this guy and he said what the message said same as her so then i said why didnt u show me in the first place she said because i would go mental i did believe her but then she said they were some flirty messages off him last year thats why she didnt show me .. i messaged this guy again and he blocked me off facebook and also blocked her .. i do believe her as bad as it seems as he has still blocked her as i checked through my friends fb who is friends with her.

 

So i new things were getting funny the last few weeks we were together as she seemed to be distancing herself from me as we would normally text from first thing in the morning till last thing at night .. this was still the case but the messages were just well shorter and one word or blunt replies.

 

we had a massive argument in a bar again when we went out with our best friends and when we got back to hers i left and drove off and didnt speak to her for a week... we met up the week after and she basically said it was over but she was letting me kiss her and hold her hand etc... i said id take her out the following night but she was not having any of it and told me to carry on with my plans. I didnt speak to her until the following friday and i sent her flowers which was a week friday ago she said thank you and i asked her how she felt and she said she wasnt sure but still loved me ... i went out the following night and accused her of seeing someone else and she said she wasnt and stop being stupid. Now she says shes split up with me for being paranoid all the time but what does she expect after seeing that message.

 

i left it a week again and i was going out on saturday with my friends i shouldnt have messaged her but i did i said are you ok she said yes are you .. i said yes and did she fncy going for a walk either sunday or monday .. she said she couldnt because she had plans i then said well are u missin me .. she replied what would i be missing .. you accusing me of things all the time or having a go at me and winding me up.. i said i was sorry for the drunken texts and things but that message that time did make me paranoid and i asked her if she still loved me ... she said there i go again accusing her of meeting someone and she never has or messaged anyone and she said a part of her will always love me... i then said ok well basically thanks for the last 2 and a half years iv enjoyed it apart from the arguing and i wish things were different she said her to and wish things where different

I then carried on with the night out and my friend took a picture of me and this girl who was talking to me and put it on fb .. 2 mins later my ex best friend messaged me saying my ex had text her saying i was a hippocrit and that photo shouldnt have been put on ... i messaged my ex saying you dont feel a lot anymore and why should you be bothered.. she said im there accusing her of meeting someone else and she isnt and it shows how i really feel about her ... i messaged saying you know how i really feel .. i tried ringing her twice the following mornin she didnt answer so i text her asking her to phone me but she didnt.

i was mad and i dont know i did this but felt like she's just shrugged me off even tho she is mad i understand that now so i sent her a text saying 'now then, i cant believe what i learned today. now it is over' this was stupid i know but i wanted to save a bit of pride. after sending this she phoned me twice straight away and text me twice. i didnt reply or answer and i deleted her number and off facebook her friend tried to get it out of me the next day but i basically said it was over and i need to move on.

 

now i dont know what to do i know it will get easier but i want her back i dont know whether to send her one last message and say im happy with the break up as its the right thing to do or just have no contact what so ever now and hope she comes back to me

 

i know you will all say its not worth it but it is because when where together and happy it is brilliant. please help and thx for reading.

[Emilia]

Welcome to LS

 

I just think you allowed yourself to get tangled with a girl who has lots of issues and will never make you happy. Do you know what codependency is in terms of relationships? Have you heard of that term?

[Tod80]

hi there and thanks

 

no iv never heard of that term, i wish i could just man up and get on with it but 1 min i feel ok the next i am in bits im in my late twenties as well so its not like im young.

 

we are both very insecure people but i cant stay friends with her incase she meets some one else but i dont want to leave this on bad terms incase there is hope in the future

[Emilia]

no iv never heard of that term, i wish i could just man up and get on with it but 1 min i feel ok the next i am in bits im in my late twenties as well so its not like im young.

Don't be silly, for a guy late 20s is nothing. Usually best years are in your 30s. Especially when you get more established financially.

we are both very insecure people but i cant stay friends with her incase she meets some one else but i dont want to leave this on bad terms incase there is hope in the future

I don't know whether you will listen to me here Tod but you really have to work on this. I don't know what you are insecure about but you have to work on your tendency to rescue women, pick those that are weak and not able to stand on their own feet fully.

 

Codependency means you are an excessive caretaker. You feel your needs and wants are not important and you put the other person's needs and wants before yours.

 

It DOES NOT MATTER whether you leave on bad terms and you should not want her back. You must work out what it is that you think makes you scared to be with a woman who is fully grown and who is capable. Otherwise you will struggle with dysfunctional relationships all your life and you will be very unhappy.

 

What are your parents like?

[Tod80]

yes you are correct, its just hard i have to much time to think in the week because im away all the time in the week but have plenty of friends when i go back north.

 

my real dad is dead but my mum is ok but not there for me as she should bei stay at my friends when i go back use to stay at hers but it was sometimes like she didnt want me there but like i say she is v spoilt with her mum and dad. im just scared because her friends go out with my friends and im scared she will meet someone else. But being how she is and her friends say i cant see her yet and hopefully when she does id be over her. I just dont think iv given her the chance to miss me yet as well but i dont think she can be over me so quick surely.

 

thanks for listening

[Emilia]

yes you are correct, its just hard i have to much time to think in the week because im away all the time in the week but have plenty of friends when i go back north.

I know it's hard but ideally you should start thinking about how to find a good person who will treat you well.

my real dad is dead but my mum is ok but not there for me as she should bei stay at my friends when i go back use to stay at hers but it was sometimes like she didnt want me there

This is the root of your problem. You were brought up by a mum who didn't think you were important and now as an adult you don't think you are important. Tod, you have to find a woman who treats you well. Am I getting through to you at all or am I talking to a brick wall?

im just scared because her friends go out with my friends and im scared she will meet someone else. But being how she is and her friends say i cant see her yet and hopefully when she does id be over her. I just dont think iv given her the chance to miss me yet as well but i dont think she can be over me so quick surely.

 

thanks for listening

I know it's too soon. Could you go somewhere else on your leave and not hang out with the usual friends? Could you get a plane ticket somewhere and go hiking or something?

[Tod80]

yes i do know i will look back on this when i meet some one new and look back and think i had a lucky escape ... yes im buying a house soon so its like i have got something to look forward to and then my life will be better, I know things will get better but im just in the what if stage at the minute and tbh i think i am just missing/wanting what i cant have where as i dont think she's experianced that with me yet because she probably knows she can still have me she thinks if she wants. Time will heal me i think i just wish i wasnt so emotional lol

[pteromom]

I read the post differently... I read it focusing on YOU and what YOU did to contribute to the demise of your relationship.

 

Sure, if she was self-harming at some point, she's got obvious issues, but let's focus on you, because she isn't here.

 

So what did you do?

 

From what you've shared, you've admitted you have a short fuse, had a problem with jealousy, and accused her of possible cheating.

 

When you act that way, it has consequences...

 

- the other person feels they have to "walk on eggshells" or hide information from you (even innocent information) to keep you from blowing up

- the other person feels CONTROLLED. Eventually this leads to rebellion and a desire to escape the control.

- the other person feels untrusted, which kills intimacy in the relationship

 

There's only so long someone will deal with being accused of things they aren't guilty of and dealing with their partner's insecurity before they walk away.

 

So you need to work on this. Figure out why you are so jealous. Figure out why you have such a short fuse. Figure out how to let go of the need to control someone else, and instead just accept them as they are.

 

Of course, it is possible she really was cheating, or that she did her part to fuel your insecurity and jealousy. If so, you have to ask yourself whether you are really compatible, even if you love her.

 

But if you do think you can work on your part and you think you can change your behaviors, it may be worth laying it all out there and fighting for her. Only you know the answer to that.

[Emilia]

I read the post differently... I read it focusing on YOU and what YOU did to contribute to the demise of your relationship.

 

Sure, if she was self-harming at some point, she's got obvious issues, but let's focus on you, because she isn't here.

 

So what did you do?

 

From what you've shared, you've admitted you have a short fuse, had a problem with jealousy, and accused her of possible cheating.

 

When you act that way, it has consequences...

 

- the other person feels they have to "walk on eggshells" or hide information from you (even innocent information) to keep you from blowing up

- the other person feels CONTROLLED. Eventually this leads to rebellion and a desire to escape the control.

- the other person feels untrusted, which kills intimacy in the relationship

 

You are right but it's the same thing. Codependent people focus on controlling the other person. I just think it's better to get to the root of the problem

[Tod80]

yes thats what she said she feels like she was walking on egg shells all the time i think i was just frustrated because i always said to her she doesnt make me feel like she should but now i realise she has deep laying issues and sometimes i may have thought about myself to much, like i say i do love her more than anything and i do want things to go back to how they use to be but i do not know whether she will come back to me or if i should just send her 1 message saying i agree we were right to split up etc ... or do i stick to NC rule my heads in bits .. but i think being insecure as she is you think shed have been more in touch with me unless iv just pushed her away now which i think i could

[Emilia]

Either way the two of you were not compatible. I know the future is scary but I think you need to find someone you can work on a trusting relationship with.