Smokemirrors Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 (edited) Hi all. I haven't properly introduced myself to this forum, just posted some random blubbering threads adding little or value to anything. I've recently been through the worst, most devastating yet life altering months in my life. My break-up rocked me to my core and has made me realise things I would never have known about myself without it. As a background, I'm in my late thirties, always been a relatively high achiever in school, have great friends, good family, good looking, great job with prospects and goals for the future. I thought I had my head screwed on and had a plan, but always secretively scared that I would never amount to anything. I've had a few meaningless flings in the past but was never able to let anyone in before. This should have been a warning sign. Anyway, I met this girl and she changed my life. We instantly clicked. It was like she was an extension of myself. We had so much in common and she was beautiful. And she made me feel good about myself. For the first time in a long time, I felt I was happy. Truely happy. We literally spent seven of the best months together. We told each other we loved it each other and from then it went from strength to strength. We did everything together and talked about everything. She had huge self esteem issues and I would notice she would zone out at times. She would get upset when something would trigger her memory and I tried my best to be there and empathize with her. I would constantly have to tell her how much I loved her. She would tell me back and I know she meant it. The sex was great, but my self-esteem issues would get to me. How can I keep performing at this level? Why was I thinking like this? When we first me she told me she had trust issues and didn't think she could trust anyone. I told her she could trust me. She could, I would never have cheated on her but she kept on saying passive aggressive phrases about cheating on her. I would do the same. Thinking about it, the relationship was probably toxic from the start. I started becoming co-dependent, seeking my happiness from her. But she would tell me I was the best this, the best that. Her most ideal man. I felt good. I felt the same about her and when I would compliment her would like it, but she would also twist my words sometimes. She started saying I exaggerate lot, which I do, but have never thought anything of it. When we were together things were fantastic. Then out of the blue she dumped me. Only days before we made love and she told me how much she loved me. I was crushed. She said some confused things like I am her best friend, no one knows her like I do, but also that I made her feel like **** and brought up some stuff I said. At this point I was questioning my sanity. But even then I let her get away with it. There are several other instances where I didn't 'behave' as I should and she would threaten to leave. I must admit I played the passive aggressive card on one occasion, but I feel it's perfectly human to slip? But is this something I do or am all the time? I don't think so but I also can't think straight. I begged her to stay and told her about my insecurities and how I wanted to work on them. I ended up apologizing to her for the breakup. I went from king of the world to pauper in two days. No closure. She didn't want to see me because it would be too hard on her and that we should wait until the future. She said she would miss me so much. I was going insane. From then, after begging, I initiated what I know come to know as No Contact. It was instinct,I knew if I tried to speak to her it was be like rubbing my ball sack on sand paper then swallowing builders nails. It's been a couple of months, but still expecting to see her in the future. Don't know why. Anyway, I searched everywhere for answers and whilst yes, she is emotionally immature, I too am broken. I was broken before, patched up while in a relationship, but I was always broken. She had blown mine mind and I can see light because I know the secret to my happiness lies within me. Although I still love her so much I could die, just to lay in her arms, watch a film, be with her, look into her eyes. We are no good for each other. I am ultimately flawed and need help to identify my true self. How deep do my own insecurities run? Am I boarderline NPD? Why do I get frustrated over small things? I need to become a better person. A happy person. I am not ready or worthy of love if I can't get there. I am going to seek help. I will not hide from it either. In the past I would have hidden it out of some deep rooted fear of others seeing me as inadequate. Why do I always feel inadequate? I am going to my a conscious effort to better myself. I will not engage in people bashing but discussions and rationalization. I want to be more empathetic. I will actively listen to people and put myself in their shoes. I will understand and be more aware. I will not be a victim and blame others for failures. I will be the hero in my story. I want to be people's rock. I want to be positive. **** materialism. I want to be better. Edited May 8, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
cdt76 Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 We all have faults and we all have our issues. I think sometimes, as in your case, your relationship burned up. It was so hot, so intense, so perfect, the expectations wlere so high and you wanted it so much. It simply burned up in the atmosphere. My last girlfriend was a lot like yours. Twisting words, seeking reassurance when none was needed. Making up scenerios of cheating. It was all just too hot. Too much required to keep the heat inside. It's less you than the combination of the two of you. You were addicted to her, as was I to mine. It's hard to let go of the addiction. 1
shiver23 Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 I am going to my a conscious effort to better myself. I will not engage in people bashing but discussions and rationalization. I want to be more empathetic. I will actively listen to people and put myself in their shoes. I will understand and be more aware. I will not be a victim and blame others for failures. I will be the hero in my story. I want to be people's rock. I want to be positive. **** materialism. I want to be better. This makes my heart hurt for you. Honestly, I don't know why she broke up with you, but I KNOW that it wasn't your fault. No break up is ever easy. You're trying to become self-actualized and you're going to be okay. Trust me, if every guy was committed to doing what you've listed, we'd be in a better place as a world right now. I admire your courage, and please don't give up on yourself.
aisuru Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 *sigh* I'll admit I skimmed your post 3 or 4 times. I wanted to understand... It feels like you're putting all the blame on her. There are three sides to every story and I feel like you only presented one side. I'm not hearing much about what you said or did from your perspective. Just what your perception is of what you said or did. That says a lot to me. I hope you find the peace you're seeking. 1
Author Smokemirrors Posted May 8, 2013 Author Posted May 8, 2013 I read back my post this morning and frankly in embarrassed. It's completely self indulgent. I was having a bad evening a thought of myself a a sort of tortured artiste or something. There are more sides to the story you're right. And my intention wasn't to shift blame. In fact I was attempting to say the blame laid with me because I've got my own issues. It was probably my own insecurities that destroyed the relationship. I need to sort myself out, that was all.
William Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 The starting post has been edited to redact personalized information, per thread starter request. Carry on.
todreaminblue Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 I read back my post this morning and frankly in embarrassed. It's completely self indulgent. I was having a bad evening a thought of myself a a sort of tortured artiste or something. There are more sides to the story you're right. And my intention wasn't to shift blame. In fact I was attempting to say the blame laid with me because I've got my own issues. It was probably my own insecurities that destroyed the relationship. I need to sort myself out, that was all. if you have been in a relationship and broken up insecurities develop , they develop from childhood, from trauma, from ignorance and arrogance of others, so people walk around everyday with little scars or big scars.....doesnt make them any less worthy of love.......you are not less worthy of love, facing insecurities is no mean feat.....it just takes time and reflection to get back to a good place a place where you feel comfortable....if you can concentrate on what is positive about you then you can share that with another....if you concentrate on what is negative...you can share that too....wont do you any good though.....as far as trust goes ...... if you are trust worthy.....then you can trust.....if you dont trust yourself you wont trust others......i am a pretty messed up girl...lots of trauma lots of issues...gone through many tissues...hah that rhymes.....but all in all...people can trust me because i do trust myself...i know i never hurt anyone intentionally so i feel i deserve that back..i want to eb trusted and seen for who i am...so i do trust others.........even when they have hurt me.......i can let it go...i dont blame anyone for anothers gaffs or mistakes.....and i take responsibility for my own mistakes...and even though i have a myriad of issues that could be potentially damaging to my interpersonal relationships...i dont let them take hold of me...i have a really uncanny ability to be objective about my past(therapy helps)...i have already felt the pain from it.......i will not let it hit me twice..i dont let it act upon me...anymore.......i can write about it and not feel pain You will get through this, might take a little time, but you will be stronger because of what you have been through, i am sorry you are hurting right now, but i know this stage of hurting is just a stage that many of us on here have been through and survived.......you have learned things that you would not have learned had you not gone through what you did.....everything in life good or bad has reason a design and a purpose....you can choose how to look at it process it ...and finally after reflection....move on...to a bigger brighter future...it takes two to make a relationship and the same can be said to break a relationship...the onus isnt only on you for the break it takes two....... hugs to ya.....from deb 1
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