somedude81 Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 So how come whenever I make a thread about dating, people always mention friends? Making friends with girls, is completely different from being able to date them. Then it makes even less sense when people bring up guy friends. It's just a random comment.
Emilia Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 What everyone has been trying to explain to you is that having friends and building social capital would make it easier for you to meet women as well as help you relate to them easier too. ie you would be socially more successful. 12
Author somedude81 Posted May 7, 2013 Author Posted May 7, 2013 What everyone has been trying to explain to you is that having friends and building social capital would make it easier for you to meet women as well as help you relate to them easier too. ie you would be socially more successful. I accept that point, mostly. But very often people ask if I can if I can make friends, as if making friends and being able to date women were similar. As for being friends with women helping me to relate to them, nope. I've had close friendships with many girls and never leaned how to relate to them as women. For me, when I was friends with a girl, it was almost as if our genders didn't matter. We were just two people having fun. They never did anything that dignifies them as a woman.
Author somedude81 Posted May 7, 2013 Author Posted May 7, 2013 Did some one tell you platonic friendships and romantic relationships are the same thing? It's been heavily suggested that they were very similar. Basically that if one can make platonic friends with women then they should be able to get into romantic relationships. Of course I completely disagree.
Emilia Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 But very often people ask if I can if I can make friends, as if making friends and being able to date women were similar. It would help you to become less self centred 5
iris219 Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 (edited) You are asked about friendships because not having friends means you have difficulty connecting with others. If you have difficulty connecting with others, dating will be hard. If you tried to figure out why you have trouble connecting with others, you would be more successful with interpersonal relationships, both platonic and romantic. Edited May 7, 2013 by iris219 7
Author somedude81 Posted May 7, 2013 Author Posted May 7, 2013 It would help you to become less self centred What the heck is that supposed to mean? You are asked about friendships because not having friends means you have difficulty connecting with others. If you have difficulty connecting with others, dating will be hard. If you tried to figure out why you have trouble connecting with others, you would be successful with interpersonal relationships, both platonic and romantic. I understand that. But if I had a lot of friends, does that mean that dating will be easy? And no I'm not asking about an indirect connection between friends and having them set me up with somebody or something like that. Making a connection to be friends is different than making a romantic connection. Right now there are two girls that I am very close to becoming friends with. I'm pretty sure I could invite either one of them out with to do something as friends and they would do it. Though since I want more than just friendship with them, I'm not going down that path. I was talking to one of them as we were walking outside of class and she did call me her friend, and that actually hurt hearing that. As I said before, I've had several female friends over the years but I haven't been able to date or do anything intimate with any women. Right now I have no interest in having female friends and I am actively trying to avoid them. Nothing good ever comes of them, and I'm more often than not worse off then before at the end.
Emilia Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 What the heck is that supposed to mean? I'm not attacking you. It's been established several times that you aren't very good at seeing things from another person's point of view and that you seem to focus solely on yourself. This is why you struggle to relate to others. 5
Author somedude81 Posted May 7, 2013 Author Posted May 7, 2013 I'm not attacking you. It's been established several times that you aren't very good at seeing things from another person's point of view and that you seem to focus solely on yourself. This is why you struggle to relate to others. OK, I'm struggling to see your point of view on how that is related to dating. I also don't even know you came to the conclusion that 1) I am self-centered, 2) That I can't see things from another persons point of view and 3 ) that I struggle with relating to others. And once again, I don't see how any of that is related to dating and attraction.
Star Gazer Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 OK, I'm struggling to see your point of view on how that is related to dating. Do you agree that in order to be successful with ANY kind of relationship, you need to know how to connect with people... people other than yourself? 7
Emilia Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 And once again, I don't see how any of that is related to dating and attraction. Are you saying you don't see how the ability of relating to others has anything to do with dating and attraction? 2
pharmmage Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 why don't you hire escorts to become your friend, someone who you can have sax with, and play to your fantasy at the same time? Problem solved.
Author somedude81 Posted May 7, 2013 Author Posted May 7, 2013 Do you agree that in order to be successful with ANY kind of relationship, you need to know how to connect with people... people other than yourself? Of course I do. But she didn't say anything like that. She just listed flaws that she thinks I possess and didn't explain how they were related to dating. Are you saying you don't see how the ability of relating to others has anything to do with dating and attraction? When you say relating to others do being able to understand what is going on in their life? It's a very broad concept and I know hot it's relevant to dating without you going into more detail about what you mean. BTW, you didn't address you think I posses these generalizations and what they have to do with dating.
Author somedude81 Posted May 8, 2013 Author Posted May 8, 2013 One thing people seem to ignore, is that I can make female friends. If I was such a horrible person as some of you would like to believe, would me having female friends be possible?
pharmmage Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Didn't you say you were nervous around girls?? So naturally if you were nervous around them then it would be hard for you to make friends with them. Sheesh
Author somedude81 Posted May 8, 2013 Author Posted May 8, 2013 Didn't you say you were nervous around girls?? So naturally if you were nervous around them then it would be hard for you to make friends with them. Sheesh I'm only nervous when I want their approval of me. Like when I'm asking them on a date or trying to get their number. Other than occasions where I'm asking if they like me, I'm completely fine around women.
Mme. Chaucer Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Ever since I've been here, you've received the answer to this question over and over. The answers you're getting here are the same ones you always get. They are not the ones you wish to get, so you will ignore them all, or even be rude to the people responding to you, and come back sometime soon to try again to get the answers you want. Meanwhile, you are not getting anywhere with your personal life. Will the time ever come that you'll take into consideration the massive amount of input you've received that ALL adds up to the exact same thing? 5
xxoo Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 If you had some male friends who actively date women, you might pick up some social tips by association. You'd see how they interact with women in a way other than as "just friends". You wouldn't be struggling blindly to figure out how it works.
carhill Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 But if I had a lot of friends, does that mean that dating will be easy? IME, as I just posted in another similar thread, no. It would mean you have a lot of friends. I had tons of them over the two decades I was single, and wonderful dinners/trips/parties/adventures, etc, etc, but it had zero to do with dating success. Totally different dynamic. However, if you do have difficulty forming friendships, romantic relationships generally will be difficult also, since there are components of social skill and compatibility which overlap. At the other end of what you seek, I now find those friendships, especially the ones which have stood the test of time over the decades, to be the most valuable social gift of life. The rest, well, is the rest.
Author somedude81 Posted May 8, 2013 Author Posted May 8, 2013 Ever since I've been here, you've received the answer to this question over and over. The answers you're getting here are the same ones you always get. They are not the ones you wish to get, so you will ignore them all, or even be rude to the people responding to you, and come back sometime soon to try again to get the answers you want. Meanwhile, you are not getting anywhere with your personal life. Will the time ever come that you'll take into consideration the massive amount of input you've received that ALL adds up to the exact same thing? If you look at my history, I'm only being rude to the people who insult my character and do nothing to back it up. How would you like it if some one barely know called you self-centered, said you struggle with relating to others and can't see things from other peoples point of view? Then when asked for explanation they change the subject. If you had some male friends who actively date women, you might pick up some social tips by association. You'd see how they interact with women in a way other than as "just friends". You wouldn't be struggling blindly to figure out how it works. Finding and making male friends who who actively date women is much harder than it seems. So far I've only had guy friends who were just about as bad with women as I was, and friends that had steady girlfriends. The guys that already were in relationships didn't act any different with their girls than I would. I never knew any single guys who were still on the hitting on and getting dates with various women phase, which is what I'm on.
xxoo Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 The other issue is your hyper-focus on dating, and its negative impact on your interactions with women. You get nervous because dating is your entire focus, and you want it SO much. If you had a fuller life--some balance--you might be happier and chill out just a bit. Having friends might make you happier. Happy people are more attractive than miserable people. You don't want to be friends with women because you fall for them. But there are women you aren't attracted to. Why not be friends with a woman you truly are not attracted to? Why not be friends with some guys? Why no friends?? 1
carhill Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Why not be friends with some guys? Why no friends?? OP, IMO pay attention to this advice. In the long run, it will be your salvation. By putting all your eggs into a currently unproductive and unsatisfying basket, you are not only harming yourself in the now, but also passing up relations which will benefit you greatly in your life. It's often when one starts losing the real companions in their life to death that one begins to see the value those companions have. If you have none, you'll never experience the joys nor the grief of that process. Get some guy friends. Make the effort. Crack some beers. Have some laughs. Be there to lean on. It may not fulfill your need for 'attraction' but it certainly brings a lot of gifts to your life. 6
pharmmage Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 I will somewhat agree with you that there are no association between attraction and friendships. I know many people who have lots of friends and still struggle in their relationship, and others who are not so social struggle as well. It all comes down to your partner. Is she able to see past your flaws and insecurities? If so, then you found yourself a great partner. If not, then you keep on looking. So having friends or not doesn't affect attraction. I still think you should focus on your career first, then find a chick - preferably someone your age. Are you graduating this semester or are you planning to wait another year? I tell you the job market is competitive and its not going to look good if you keep on staying in undergrad.
Author somedude81 Posted May 8, 2013 Author Posted May 8, 2013 The other issue is your hyper-focus on dating, and its negative impact on your interactions with women. You get nervous because dating is your entire focus, and you want it SO much. Yes I am "hyper-focused" on dating but I'm not seeing how it is negatively impacting on my interactions with women. As I just said, I only get nervous when I'm trying to ask them out. I have no issues whatsoever when interacting with women in a platonic way. I'm completely comfortable with it, whether I'm attracted to somebody or not. If you had a fuller life--some balance--you might be happier and chill out just a bit. Having friends might make you happier. Happy people are more attractive than miserable people.While I don't disagree with you it's not directly related. I could have a bunch of friends and be a very happy guy, and still be constantly shot down by women. As carhill said, having a lot of friends just means I have a lot of friends. As for being happy, generally when I'm interacting with women, I'm having fun and being happy. Talking to women makes me happy, so I'm never miserable around them. You don't want to be friends with women because you fall for them. But there are women you aren't attracted to. Why not be friends with a woman you truly are not attracted to? That would require that I actively go out of my way seek out women I'm not attracted to and then socialize with them. When I'm attracted to the majority of women in my preferred age range and want to socialize with them, it doesn't make sense to ignore the cute girls and focus on the less attractive girls in the hope that I could be friends with them. I'm also not going to go out of my way to an area where there are only non-attractive women. Why not be friends with some guys? Why no friends??I'm not trying to avoid making guy friends. It's just something that doesn't happen. Perhaps that will change when I get my career going and I'll just fall into friendships with my male coworkers. OP, IMO pay attention to this advice. In the long run, it will be your salvation. By putting all your eggs into a currently unproductive and unsatisfying basket, you are not only harming yourself in the now, but also passing up relations which will benefit you greatly in your life. It's often when one starts losing the real companions in their life to death that one begins to see the value those companions have. If you have none, you'll never experience the joys nor the grief of that process. Get some guy friends. Make the effort. Crack some beers. Have some laughs. Be there to lean on. It may not fulfill your need for 'attraction' but it certainly brings a lot of gifts to your life. I'm definitely not passing up relations. If any dude wanted me to grab a beer with him I would. The thing is, I haven't been invited to do anything with a guy or a group in a very long time. When I've tried to make plans with a guy I'm always blown off. If I have to chase somebody to get them to spend time with me, then I'd rather it be a woman.
Mme. Chaucer Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 How would you like it if some one barely know called you self-centered, said you struggle with relating to others and can't see things from other peoples point of view? Then when asked for explanation they change the subject. People here who don't know me say worse about me all the time. All we are here on LS is what we post. Sorry, but you come off as profoundly self-centered. And you certainly do struggle with relating to others here, and all the things you share about your interactions IRL illustrate this as well. I've asked you a question probably more than a dozen times relating to how you seem incapable, or completely unwilling, to look at issues from a perspective other than your own and you completely ignore the question or sidestep it blatantly. You NEVER show an interest in another point of view. 4
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