Should I send this letter?

[exjuicehead]

My ex and I split up about 2 months ago. We went through a very rough time because I had been abusing steroids, she asked me to quit and I did cold turkey. Because of it my body went through withdrawals, which caused huge changes in my personality. Before this we had an amazing relationship. I have never had the chance to explain why suddenly I went off the deep end with her. This isn't really about getting her back, I can deal with the fact that we are over. I just want the opportunity to explain why I suddenly changed so much...

 

I understand why you hate me and think I am the worst person in the world. This isn’t an I love you or want you back letter. If you read this it’s not intended to make you love me again, but at least you’ll understand why these things happened and maybe not hate me as much. If you read it and take the time to think about the things that happened, you’ll understand things. By the time I found out what was going on and how sick I was you wouldn’t listen to me anymore so I never got the chance to tell you this. I agree that breaking up and having no contact was for the best, and after this I’ll go back to it. I’m not asking you to forgive me, date me again, or even be friends with me, I just want to explain why I changed.

 

The doctor called it steroid induced psychosis. I started taking steroids about a month before I moved to Santa Monica. I know you think I took them all the time, but before that I hadn’t taken anything in over two years, and I had never taken Trenbolone Prednisone before. Tren is the most powerful steroid there is, I knew it could cause side effects, but I had no idea that it could cause crazy personality changes. If you look up steroid psychosis you’ll see the symptoms of it are depression, mood swings, paranoia, mania, aggression, overly emotional responses, and suicidal thoughts. All the things I had.

 

When we moved into the apartment together you asked me then to stop taking steroids, I was madly in love with you and I didn’t want you upset so I did, I told you then it could mess me up. When you take steroids your body stops producing testosterone on its own. Your body can only take in so much testosterone and as time progresses it turns into estrogen, that’s called steroid aromatization. The more estrogen you have the more emotional a person becomes. Estrogen has a really strong effect on a persons thought process and actions, it’s what causes a woman to have mood swings and PMS before her period. You are supposed to take medicine to get everything back to normal. I ordered the meds, but I didn’t realize that when you take something as powerful as tren it takes more than what I took to fix it. Imagine how rough it would be for a guy to suddenly have the worst case of PMS ever for three months and not know why.

 

When I went and saw Dr. Mach he did blood tests on me, my testosterone was so low that it was nearly unreadable and my estrogen was incredibly high. He said the average 30 year old man has between 300-650 Nano Grams of testosterone in their blood, mine was less than 50. The normal amount of estrogen for a woman is around 150-250ng and up to 450 before her period, my estrogen level was over 600. With my test being that low and my estrogen being that high he said it would make me an emotional wreck and was surprised I was even able to function. If you Google tren paranoia/jealousy/depression, you’ll see guys talking about the same things happening to them because of tren, going from normal to extremely jealous and depressed overnight.

 

The stuff I was taking stays in your system for between 4-5 weeks, after that all the testosterone was gone from my body but the built up estrogen was still there. I stopped on December 2nd when we moved in, so by the second week of January my body was running out of testosterone and really high with estrogen. That’s why we suddenly started having major problems in mid-January. When a man’s test levels drop that low it plays havoc on you mentally and physically. Your muscles start declining rapidly and you start to gain body fat quickly, remember how out of shape I got all the sudden? I went from 175lbs 5% body fat to 164lbs 14% in about 3 weeks. It also makes your tendons and ligaments more brittle and easy to tear, which was probably why I hurt my arm in mammoth. My body became chemically dependent on it and when I stopped taking them my body couldn’t recover on its own. The more time passed the worse I became. I had to take medicine for six weeks and have a shot, when my levels were tested again they were back to normal, and I’m fine now.

 

I’m not some crazy stalker, or a psychopath no matter what you choose to believe. I messed with my brain chemistry and it screwed me up for a while. I wish you would give me some credit for how good I was to you before this happened, back when you loved me more than anyone you’d ever met, and wanted us forever.

 

There is honestly no way to say how incredibly sorry I am for the things I did. I look back now, and sick or not, I’m terrified and embarrassed that I was ever capable of it. You never deserved any of it, you weren’t always perfect but you were a great girlfriend. I never wanted to hurt you. Before this I really tried to treat you like a princess, and I thought I did a pretty good job. I saw so much potential in us, we just felt right for each other. I would do anything to go back and stop myself from ever taking the stuff. It was the also the scariest thing I’ve ever been through. A lot of people that this happens to commit suicide before they ever find out they have steroid psychosis, I came very close the night before your dog had surgery, and it’s why I was freaking out so bad the next day. I was really upset when I heard you were back with Eric, but now that I’m thinking clearly, I understand. I had hurt you and he was there waiting as a familiar distraction and something comfortable. I still believe that if I had not taken that stuff and started freaking out because of it we would still be together.

 

I honestly didn’t realize how bad I was until I started taking the meds, it’s amazing that you were able to stay for as long as you did, you must have really loved me a lot at one point. I’m sorry I lost you over this and I hope you can look back now and realize how much I truly loved you at one time. I’m sorry I kept texting you for a while, it was part of all this, I even changed your name in my phone to “don’t call her”, I would feel ok then suddenly I would break down and want to talk to you so bad I couldn’t stop myself from texting and regret it after. If you stop hating me long enough to really think about the things that happened you’ll know I’m telling the truth. Especially if you take the time to look up what I asked you. You know I was taking steroids, you know how I was before, you know I quit cold turkey and you know that I told you long before we had problems just quitting could screw me up. If I was crazy the whole time you would have never fallen for me. Before this we had the perfect relationship. You loved me with all your heart and I did you, I’m sorry I pushed you so far away and into someone else’s arms.

 

I hope if we bump into each other sometime you won’t throw a drink in my face. Please at least realize my intention was never to hurt you, I am only looking for you to understand that I wasn’t myself, and that you don’t have to worry about me interfering with your life. I know I caused you great pain, and if you feel we should never speak again I can totally respect that, I just want you to know how incredibly sorry I am I put you through this. I hope Theo is great, and your dads 50th goes well. If you don’t respond I’m perfectly ok with that. I would like to talk once but I understand if you can’t. I thought you would get a laugh from this Facebook name. If you ever need someone just to chat with you know where I am. So long Michelle.

 

Thoughts?

[lonewalker]

I think u should let her know how u feel and why u think things happened

If u think u should, just do it. It wont make u look weaker. I would send it coz its something i wanted her to know.

 

At least i dont have to deal the constant mind battle of "what if i do this and that"... cox it will linger in my head and prolong my suffering.

 

Say whatever u want to her and get off ur chest.

[exjuicehead]

lonewalker, Thanks, I just want to be able to convey how sorry I am for what happened, I never had the chance to explain any of this to her. I didn't find out what happened until we were at the point we weren't talking anymore.