justin1988 Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 (edited) Ok, I've never posted on a forum before but I'm so thrown by this I wasn't sure what else to do. Sorry if this is long but I would REALLY appreciate everyone hanging in there and shedding some light on the matter... So I dated this girl for about 4 years. She broke up with me (most likely because of distance (I started going to college an hour away) and because I was non-committal.). We got back together 6 months later after I chased her like an insane person. She broke up with me again 2 months later (most likely because I had developed trust issues and was still really hurt by the initial breakup) and I accepted it this time. She got a new boy friend 3 weeks later. (Fishy I know.) We have since had no contact for about 7 months. I bumped into her last month, said hello, glad to see your doing well, I gotta get going. 2 min conversation. Well, 4 days later she texted me. I sent a blow off response. She texted me again a couple days later and I did the same thing. Then she texted me the next week and I said "Why not?" and went ahead and had a conversation with her. Now what's weird is that we talked over 3 days but while her responses were friendly, decently long (not 2 word leave me alone texts), and open to my further responses the time between her answers just got longer and longer until she would answer back well over 24 hours later. I know her. She has her phone. She is not THAT busy. I don't understand this. After that much time (to me at least) the conversation is dead. I either answer back to a text or don't. My responses varied between 20 min and 3 hours. I don't see why she would just continue the conversation like there was no delay. Especially when SHE initiated the conversation and her responses are still long and friendly and other than the wait it doesn't seem like she's trying to blow me off. Looking at the conversation on my phone it looks like the conversation is going well unless you consider the time stamps. So when I realized she was going to answer back 24 hours later I just figured she wasn't into me afterall and was just being friendly and I didn't text back. Then the next week she sent me a "What are you doing?" text. This threw me off and I didn't answer. A week later I thought I would try sending a text to see what contacting her first would yield in case me blowing her off might have made her think I wasn't interested. She got back to me 20 min later. I answered 20 min later. Then once again she answered back 12 hours later. I just quit again. Finally, a few days later she commented in a friendly way on a Facebook post I made. Not a big deal but I just thought it was weird she would go from private texts to a public forum. What is this girl doing!? I would love to get back together with her. It's good she's texting me but the response time and the fact that she is still dating this new guy is what is making her impossible for me to read. From what I see on Facebook (which is all I have to go on) this new boyfriend has been non-existent for the past 2 months (Other than her relationship status) and this girl posts every little thing and tags EVERYONE she's with. Yes. I know it would be easier to just move on and yes, I know the whole texting and Facebook thing is a bit childish but after no contact for 7 months I don't feel comfortable doing anything more yet. Anyone know what she's trying to accomplish? Edited May 7, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs
BluEyeL Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 We can't know, but she might be having some problems in her current relationship/life and is seeking some comfort and attention, this way messing with your head. I can't be sure, but I don't think she is really interested in getting back with you. 2
outsidethebox Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 She's bitter and PO'd and dishing out some of what she's been getting from you and her next ex. You know what they say about payback.
Author justin1988 Posted May 7, 2013 Author Posted May 7, 2013 Thanks BluEye. That was actually something I had considered. Obviously not what I was hoping but what I realistically was thinking in the back of my head. I haven't really shown my hand and let on that I still care for her so I still think its a little odd she isn't seeking the comfort/attention from a more fruitful source but oh well. All my friends are as thoroughly confused by her as I am and have suggested that I just ask her (politely and maturely) why she has started contacting me again if for no other reason than to just provide me with some closure so I can tell her I'm still not ready to be friends and allow me to continue moving on. Is asking her this even a good idea or should I just ignore her if she contacts me again? I guess the third option would be to continue to play along for a while longer and see if anything new develops? Asking her point blank and getting shot down would probably hurt the most but I think it would help me get back to moving on more quickly. On the flip side of it, Id prefer not to let her know I'm still hurt. I mean its been months now! Shake it off and get over it! I just really wish it was as simple as typing it!
Chi townD Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 Hi Friend Zone! You're looking rather dapper today!!! 1
outsidethebox Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Not even close to friend zone. If can't recognize revenge and bitterness here because OP and now current bf have left her, don't know what to tell you. People need to go over the timing of responses again until they get it. 2
Author justin1988 Posted May 8, 2013 Author Posted May 8, 2013 As far as I know they are still together. Just from the outside looking in, they don't seem to be very close is all. And I really don't think she is intentionally trying to hurt me or get revenge. I haven't let on that anything she does bothers me and I haven't even hinted that I'm interested in her other than responding to her so she is really persistent if that's her game. I was just trying to find out if there was an obvious answer to all this that I'm not seeing because I'm too vested in it.
outsidethebox Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 There is an obvious answer, and you're not listening. 1
Author justin1988 Posted May 8, 2013 Author Posted May 8, 2013 Fair enough. Thanks for the help Outside. I appreciate hearing from a straight shooter. 1
xpaperxcutx Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 The new bf is not there for her emotionally so she's using you as a time filler. It's like playing with a lego set and enjoying it until the novelty wears. Her attention drifts once she's got enough of texting you, she disappears and comes back again, on her terms and on her whims. You may have feelings for her and obviously feelings don't dissipate after a 4 year relationship. She has lingering feelings for you but it's not enough to make her want you back. When she does contact you, it's a selfish desire to satisfy her needs of being wanted. It has nothing to do with you except making you a victim in all this. 2
aisuru Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 The new bf is not there for her emotionally so she's using you as a time filler. When she does contact you, it's a selfish desire to satisfy her needs of being wanted. It has nothing to do with you except making you a victim in all this. DING, DING, DING, we have a winner! Hard to hear. Want to know how I know?? Because I'm doing it RIGHT NOW to my ex ex. I would NEVER EVER in a million years date him again. I ignored his various attempts to contact me over the past two years, ignored his add requests on all social media. Then, I find myself single, lonely, sitting in my home some nights with too many thoughts in my head and accepted a FB request from him that I've ignored for awhile. I messaged him and he's been initiating almost daily contact with me. Sometimes I respond right away, same day, or another day. For the past week or two. Now I'm a pickle however because today he asked me if I was interested in meeting for lunch/dinner sometime soon. Honestly? I have zero interest in seeing him in person. I feel no remorse for this because he is a total player, he likes to contact his ex-girlfriends and tell them how much he misses them, and he will never commit. He likes to have this collection of women that all want him. I know because I've been his girlfriend while he did all these things. Meh, sorry, tangent. Anyway, that's my female perspective. For me, it's not about being revengeful. I'm just filling a need I have right now. And if it gets me through this breakup, then so be it. 2
Chi townD Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Not even close to friend zone. If can't recognize revenge and bitterness here because OP and now current bf have left her, don't know what to tell you. People need to go over the timing of responses again until they get it. Nope! Disagree. Until you get the "I'm sorry. I was an idiot for letting you go and I want to try again and make it up to you" the rest of it is friend zone, breadcrumb bullsh*t. 1
outsidethebox Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 nope, you guys are attributing varying response time to varying interest and of all things treating him as a friend. You don't understand the deliberate lengthening of response times. She's playing him and making him wait longer and longer on responses. Just like she wasn't getting responses, has burned out on these two bf's due to their behavior, etc. Revenge and bitterness, pure and simple. She is very PO'd.
Author justin1988 Posted May 8, 2013 Author Posted May 8, 2013 PaperCut, that makes a lot of sense. The idea of her becoming the kind of person that would do that really saddens me. She used to be a really nice girl that wouldn't even be mean to people she didn't like but people change and as Outside suggested it is extremly probably that she is carrying around some bitterness. aisuru- That is absolutly cold blooded! However I really can't claim that I've never been lonely, bored, or sad and started talking to some girl just to fill the void. What goes around comes around I guess. Outside- The longer and longer responses confuse me a lot. I'm sure the bitterness you have suggested exists and is the reason she probably is not concerned with whether talking to me hurts me or not but I really don't think she is maliciously trying to hurt me. When she goes 24 hours without answering me I don't get worked up and continue texting her and I actually just don't respond at all to a text that late. So if her aim is to get me worked up, I never give her the satisfaction. If she really wanted to get to me shed flirt a bit and then after a day late response say "sorry I was busy" or something and ask a question of some type to get me to answer her and continue the game. When I just walk away from the conversation entirely because of a late response thats very counterproductive to any motivation of stringing me along and trying to hurt me. If you don't see results why do it?
Author justin1988 Posted May 8, 2013 Author Posted May 8, 2013 I also don't think it's entirely outside the realm of possibility that her new relationship might be going through a rough patch and she's feeling me out/laying potential groundwork to use me as a plan b. Or to at least see if shes still "got me" if for no other reason than an ego boost. Which is also a pretty junky thing to do but I really don't see enough effort for that theory either. aisuru and papercuts suggestions are making more and more sense to me. 1
xpaperxcutx Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 I also don't think it's entirely outside the realm of possibility that her new relationship might be going through a rough patch and she's feeling me out/laying potential groundwork to use me as a plan b. Or to at least see if shes still "got me" if for no other reason than an ego boost. Which is also a pretty junky thing to do but I really don't see enough effort for that theory either. aisuru and papercuts suggestions are making more and more sense to me. It's not a scheme but it is selfish motives of exes to act the way they do because of the way they feel at the moment. When someone's bored like aisuru has mentioned, s/he does things that are not rational. Don't waste anymore time questioning her and lingering on her actions. 1
Author justin1988 Posted May 8, 2013 Author Posted May 8, 2013 I guess that's just the plain reality of it Papercut. The best thing to do is just drop it and not dwell anymore and if she contacts me again I'll just ask her to please stop. She would leave me alone if I asked her to. Hopefully she's gotten her fill of whatever it was she wanted and I won't hear from her again though.
xpaperxcutx Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 I guess that's just the plain reality of it Papercut. The best thing to do is just drop it and not dwell anymore and if she contacts me again I'll just ask her to please stop. She would leave me alone if I asked her to. Hopefully she's gotten her fill of whatever it was she wanted and I won't hear from her again though. My preferences for ignoring exes is silence is golden. I did that to an ex, who contacted me after almost half a year and asking I see him again ( I knew he was only after one thing), and I blocked him. I wish you the best, and I hope whatever she does, you don't fall for remaining in contact with her. Remember, your priority is yourself and you need to live better without her.
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