jakelongot Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 So I saw this comment from a girl in another thread: With nice guys, we never know if they like us or not. It is great that they are respectful and all, but sometimes we wonder if they are just being nice to us. It might be obvious to some, but this really made me think... Let's say we're at a bar. Does a girl show more interest in a guy that might be a bit of a douche, but is aggressive and makes his intentions known instead of a "nice guy" because she can't figure out if he interested or just being nice? Would that nice guy get more numbers than the aggressive guy if he just made his intentions known instead of being overly nice and hoping the girl would just give him her number or make her intentions known? Does a girl not like to make the first move when talking with the "nice guy" because she doesn't want to risk being embarrassed if he truly is just being nice and not really interested? Help me out here girls! Thanks!
fortyninethousand322 Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 People's true feelings are almost always manifested in their actions not their words. If a woman likes "nice guys", she will have a tendency to in fact date nice guys. If you want to try and be more obvious in your interest, go ahead and see what happens. Only the trial and error process can be definitive. 1
CptSaveAho Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 stop listening to what "girls" say / post most of the time they are full of crap... the problem with "nice" guys is you put stock in what girls say and even they know they are full of crap and want to see if you man up and call them out on their bs 1
serial muse Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 (edited) Well, since I'm a chick, I'll go ahead and be the first chick to respond to the question, and perhaps not surprisingly, my answer is different from the previous poster. Yes, I have been in situations where a guy was chatting and being nice to me and yet I didn't know he was actually interested, as he never said anything explicit about being interested. I'm on the quieter, shyer side, and I didn't want to make any assumptions and I'm as afraid of rejection as the next human being. It has happened more than once that someone later told me he was into me, but I honestly didn't want to assume, because it's embarrassing and also I don't want to always assume that that's the only reason a person of the opposite sex would talk to me. So, yes, women aren't always lying and they're not always playing games or full of crap or the enemy or whatever stupid shxt people say when they're feeling angry or want to feel powerful. Sometimes they're just as confused as you are. It helps to treat them as people, with all the variety that entails. Edited May 7, 2013 by serial muse 13
Author jakelongot Posted May 7, 2013 Author Posted May 7, 2013 Well, since I'm a chick, I'll go ahead and be the first chick to respond to the question, and perhaps not surprisingly, my answer is different from the previous poster. Yes, I have been in situations where a guy was chatting and being nice to me and yet I didn't know he was actually interested, as he never said anything explicit about being interested. I'm on the quieter, shyer side, and I didn't want to make any assumptions and I'm as afraid of rejection as the next human being. It has happened more than once that someone later told me he was into me, but I honestly didn't want to assume, because it's embarrassing and also I don't want to always assume that that's the only reason a person of the opposite sex would talk to me. So, yes, women aren't always lying and they're not always playing games or full of crap or the enemy or whatever stupid shxt people say when they're feeling angry or want to feel powerful. Sometimes they're just as confused as you are. It helps to treat them as people, with all the variety that entails. So do you think it's fair to say that friendly guys lose out in this situation more likely due to not letting their intentions know and less because of lack of attraction? I've been in the situation several times where I am being very friendly and having great conversation with a women just waiting for a signal...not seeing a signal...and then assuming lack of interest. Instead should I just ask for a number assuming that the conversation itself is a sign of interest? Are women trying to conceal their interest because they don't want seem overly interested and risk embarrassment in case the guy is just being friendly and not really interested? The 'nice' guys thing is just a piece of bs made up by jealous saps who can't get girls and assume anyone who does is a player. Plenty of nice guys do get girls and don't whine about the 'bad boys'. I am using "nice guy" as a catch all. I'm thinking more just a friendly guy that does everything but actually risk rejection when asking for a number.
Author jakelongot Posted May 7, 2013 Author Posted May 7, 2013 Nice guys get women. Its a huge myth that they dont. Actually, most women do not want to marry a player or bad boy. In my female friends group, they might date a player or badboy but they dont take him seriously for the long term. Passive, unconfident men dont get women. I dont understand why people think nice = passive and unconfident? You can be confident and have a backbone and still be a nice person. They do not clash with one another. Agreed. By nice guy i mean friendly, not the passive/unconfident guy.
Star Gazer Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 At a bar, the aggressive douche approaches directly and is forward and asks you out. The nice guy doesn't approach directly but rather just finds a way to get around you, chats to you as though you're his bro's sister, is friendly, but not flirty and leaves the bar, leaving you wondering if he was interested or what. 3
serial muse Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 (edited) So do you think it's fair to say that friendly guys lose out in this situation more likely due to not letting their intentions know and less because of lack of attraction? Yes - I don't know about more likely or less likely, but I'd say it's a significant amount. And I'd also say that the more confident a guy appears to be, but if he doesn't ask me out, the more I'll assume he probably was just being friendly and not really interested. Or perhaps that he was initially interested but then after talking to me decided, nope. Edited May 7, 2013 by serial muse
ThaWholigan Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 At a bar, the aggressive douche approaches directly and is forward and asks you out. The nice guy doesn't approach directly but rather just finds a way to get around you, chats to you as though you're his bro's sister, is friendly, but not flirty and leaves the bar, leaving you wondering if he was interested or what. Is it irritating when men subconsciously pigeon-hole themselves in this fashion by ranging from both extremes and never reaching a comfortable medium? Or simply some people are that one-dimensional overall?.... 2
Author jakelongot Posted May 7, 2013 Author Posted May 7, 2013 At a bar, the aggressive douche approaches directly and is forward and asks you out. The nice guy doesn't approach directly but rather just finds a way to get around you, chats to you as though you're his bro's sister, is friendly, but not flirty and leaves the bar, leaving you wondering if he was interested or what. This is what i'm talking about! I have been the "nice guy" waiting for the girl to show some interest before I ask for a number or date. But maybe I am missing the forest for the trees (the conversation itself is the interest). Would you much rather get asked out by the nice guy...he just need to actually make a move? 1
Star Gazer Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 This is what i'm talking about! I have been the "nice guy" waiting for the girl to show some interest before I ask for a number or date. What do you think interest is? If she's talking to you, laughing, smiling... she's interested enough. 1
CryForNoOne Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 So I saw this comment from a girl in another thread: It might be obvious to some, but this really made me think... Let's say we're at a bar. Does a girl show more interest in a guy that might be a bit of a douche, but is aggressive and makes his intentions known instead of a "nice guy" because she can't figure out if he interested or just being nice? Would that nice guy get more numbers than the aggressive guy if he just made his intentions known instead of being overly nice and hoping the girl would just give him her number or make her intentions known? Does a girl not like to make the first move when talking with the "nice guy" because she doesn't want to risk being embarrassed if he truly is just being nice and not really interested? Help me out here girls! Thanks! Can't speak for the aggressive douches, but the nice guy who makes his intentions clear definitely does get more numbers. I've been both the shy and aggressive nice guy so I speak from experience. Something else I've learned about the bar scene, if a girl is talking to you, she's interested. The exception is if she already has a BF or husband, in which case, they always make that known fairly early on. Even then, I still continue talking to them because a) it seems a bit douchy to walk away the moment they put that out there b) other women find you more attractive if you are talking to another woman rather than being a wallflower. c) Shocker. I genuinely enjoy meeting and talking to people. So it sounds like right off the bat, you are over thinking things. It's not really that hard to be a "nice guy" and still make your intentions clear. Never make overtly sexual comments and in most cases, I'd say don't complement their looks - particularly if they ARE really attractive. Let the douche bags do that. What works for me, so I guess I'd say is my "game", is finding out what common interests we have and using language suggestive of us doing those activities - like "we should definitely explore great foodie spots" or "I'll remember that when we go snowboarding...". If they have ANY interest whatsoever, those types of comments ease them into the idea of going on a date with you. But again, don't over think! I don't analyze any of this stuff as it's happening. It's second nature for me now and it just flows very naturally. Another thing - don't take any part of it too seriously! I hear people say that all the time and in the past when I DID take things too seriously, I didn't see how it would be possible to shift. Looking at my actions now compared to the past, one HUGE change that has worked wonders for me is how I handle awkward moments. In the past I would try to avoid them at all costs, but in doing so inadvertently dwelt on them and turned them into a big deal. Now the moment something potentially awkward or embarrassing happens, I embrace it and laugh about it. It turns a negative into a positive. For instance a few nights ago I got a phone number at at bar. She thought my name was Chris but it wasn't. I corrected her and intentionally called her by the wrong name. 15 years ago I might have corrected her in a serious tone and been slightly bent she couldn't remember my name. Instead this time I took it further and when I texted her the next day I said "Hey it's <me> from <bar> last night, although you might remember me as Chris..." I know I got a real LOL out of her and sure enough I got a first date and now a second date.
ThaWholigan Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 What do you think interest is? If she's talking to you, laughing, smiling... she's interested enough. Not to be devil's advocate but I've seen instances where a girl has done this and the interest has been minimal at best . I agree mostly though. Sometimes, as a man, you will never really know - you kinda have to be brave and find out, or go with the flow.
CryForNoOne Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 but maybe i am missing the forest for the trees (the conversation itself is the interest). yes! Yes! Yes!
Star Gazer Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 Not to be devil's advocate but I've seen instances where a girl has done this and the interest has been minimal at best . Sometimes, as a man, you will never really know - you kinda have to be brave and find out, or go with the flow. Not just kinda. That's the difference between the guy who gets the girl and the "nice guy." One has balls, the other doesn't. 2
ThaWholigan Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 Not just kinda. That's the difference between the guy who gets the girl and the "nice guy." One has balls, the other doesn't. Precisely.
Imajerk17 Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 I posted something like this in another thread on here, but I think it is appropriate here as well. The mating dance goes like this: Boy makes advances to Girl that demonstrate that he is interested. Girl is receptive to Boy's advances. The right advances that Boy can make to Girl depends on where they are at in the mating dance. It ranges from approaching to flirting to asking for her number to kissing her to initiating sex to proposing marriage. Your charge as the Boy is to make the appropriate advance to Girl so that (a) she feels your interest, and (b) you don't creep her out. Do this in an unskillful way and chances are Girl won't be interested no matter how much you have going for you. Nice guys don't really make advances while the "overly aggressive" dudes make them too fast. Having a friendly conversation in and of itself isn't really making an advance. Teasing, bantering, making moves, is more like it.
Treasa Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 So I saw this comment from a girl in another thread: It might be obvious to some, but this really made me think... Let's say we're at a bar. Does a girl show more interest in a guy that might be a bit of a douche, but is aggressive and makes his intentions known instead of a "nice guy" because she can't figure out if he interested or just being nice? Would that nice guy get more numbers than the aggressive guy if he just made his intentions known instead of being overly nice and hoping the girl would just give him her number or make her intentions known? Does a girl not like to make the first move when talking with the "nice guy" because she doesn't want to risk being embarrassed if he truly is just being nice and not really interested? Help me out here girls! Thanks! If a guy is a douche, even slightly, I move on. **** that noise. I don't have time for it. Here's a novel idea - why not just fearlessly be who you really are, and **** trying to make yourself into something "just right" in order to get a girl? I know, I'm having crazy thoughts in my old age. 1
CryForNoOne Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 Not just kinda. That's the difference between the guy who gets the girl and the "nice guy." One has balls, the other doesn't. Someone on the FZ thread was talking about creating a pie chart to show the traits that makeup attractiveness for men and women. For men, looks dominate that chart. For women, it seems to be a combination of looks, personality, and confidence. In some ways I'd argue that confidence is 90% of the game though. Maybe not literally in the pie chart, but I feel that's how it manifests in real life. I say this because we pre-screen who we would potentially date before the approach even occurs. Everyone wants to date someone "in their league" or above. So in many cases you've already established if you are potentially compatible in terms of looks and personality. So unless a guy is just randomly hitting on every girl that is objectively attractive, it really boils down to his confidence. If he has it, he'll get girls in his league or above. If he doesn't, he has to settle...
shiver23 Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 Let's say we're at a bar. Does a girl show more interest in a guy that might be a bit of a douche, but is aggressive and makes his intentions known instead of a "nice guy" because she can't figure out if he interested or just being nice? Would that nice guy get more numbers than the aggressive guy if he just made his intentions known instead of being overly nice and hoping the girl would just give him her number or make her intentions known? Does a girl not like to make the first move when talking with the "nice guy" because she doesn't want to risk being embarrassed if he truly is just being nice and not really interested? Help me out here girls! Thanks! Make your intentions know once there is a good conversation going. That's how any guy is ever going to get to go out with me. I don't just give out my number/or say "I like you" to random guys who talk to me. Usually the major reason for this is "I don't want to risk being embarrassed if he truly is just being nice and not really interested". I've had that happen before, and the feeling of letdown really isn't fun. I'm also a girl who likes being asked directly by good guys. It shows their confidence and that makes me more interested than I would be otherwise. Good looking guys who aren't decisive (not asking for a number, cautiously flirting) just make me frustrated, and then I go home and wonder....was he interested?? Just my two bits. 1
Author jakelongot Posted May 7, 2013 Author Posted May 7, 2013 Someone on the FZ thread was talking about creating a pie chart to show the traits that makeup attractiveness for men and women. For men, looks dominate that chart. For women, it seems to be a combination of looks, personality, and confidence. In some ways I'd argue that confidence is 90% of the game though. Maybe not literally in the pie chart, but I feel that's how it manifests in real life. I say this because we pre-screen who we would potentially date before the approach even occurs. Everyone wants to date someone "in their league" or above. So in many cases you've already established if you are potentially compatible in terms of looks and personality. So unless a guy is just randomly hitting on every girl that is objectively attractive, it really boils down to his confidence. If he has it, he'll get girls in his league or above. If he doesn't, he has to settle... I would agree. It seems like confidence rules the day. There would probably be a lot more men getting dates out there if they would actually ask for the number or date. Probably plenty of women who had talked with a guy or saw some guy across the room and wished he had made a move.
Author jakelongot Posted May 7, 2013 Author Posted May 7, 2013 Make your intentions know once there is a good conversation going. That's how any guy is ever going to get to go out with me. I don't just give out my number/or say "I like you" to random guys who talk to me. Usually the major reason for this is "I don't want to risk being embarrassed if he truly is just being nice and not really interested". I've had that happen before, and the feeling of letdown really isn't fun. I'm also a girl who likes being asked directly by good guys. It shows their confidence and that makes me more interested than I would be otherwise. Good looking guys who aren't decisive (not asking for a number, cautiously flirting) just make me frustrated, and then I go home and wonder....was he interested?? Just my two bits. This! Thank you! Would it still be safe to assume that the slightly douchey guy (but reasonably good looking) that asks you out has more of a chance of getting a date than the guy who is super friendly, but never asks for your number (or waits for you to give it to him)?
shiver23 Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 This! Thank you! Would it still be safe to assume that the slightly douchey guy (but reasonably good looking) that asks you out has more of a chance of getting a date than the guy who is super friendly, but never asks for your number (or waits for you to give it to him)? Yes, unfortunately, I've accepted dates from slightly douchey guys because I feel like "what the hell - he's good looking, maybe I'm reading into his personality." Usually it either ends after the first date, or the guy is decent, and we go out for a few weeks/months, but he still has douche issues (drinking, insecurity). Then we break up. My experience anyways, but I've limited my dating pool to confident nice guys now, had a great year relationship, and now I'm recovering post-BU. End line: ASK girls out. We aren't psychic, and we do still like traditional dating practices (some of us), believe it or not.
CryForNoOne Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 This! Thank you! Would it still be safe to assume that the slightly douchey guy (but reasonably good looking) that asks you out has more of a chance of getting a date than the guy who is super friendly, but never asks for your number (or waits for you to give it to him)? She already answered your question indirectly. With her and most girls, if you don't ask for a number you have ZERO chance. The slightly douchy guy has some chance because he asked her out... 1
irc333 Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 A lot of people these days tend to not be used to be treated in a respectful, unselfish, and kind fashion (actions of which might fall under the word "nice), but....thing is....they might shy away from respectful people who treat them well. Usually, it's because they've been caught up in a pattern or an environment where people have never treated them nicely. Almost to the point of it being some kind of disorder. So I saw this comment from a girl in another thread: It might be obvious to some, but this really made me think... Let's say we're at a bar. Does a girl show more interest in a guy that might be a bit of a douche, but is aggressive and makes his intentions known instead of a "nice guy" because she can't figure out if he interested or just being nice? Would that nice guy get more numbers than the aggressive guy if he just made his intentions known instead of being overly nice and hoping the girl would just give him her number or make her intentions known? Does a girl not like to make the first move when talking with the "nice guy" because she doesn't want to risk being embarrassed if he truly is just being nice and not really interested? Help me out here girls! Thanks!
Recommended Posts