waterwoman Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 (edited) It’s coming up to a year since d-day. I can’t believe it’s been that long. And yet when I look back I seem to have been on the roller coaster forever! I think the ride is coming to an end – the lows are less low but the highs aren’t as high either. I think that’s a good thing. Settling down. Looking back the thing that I remember most clearly from the first months is that sense of everything clicking into place. The... ohhhhh so that is why you did that! Aha! That explains why this happened! Almost a sense of validation that, no, I wasn’t going crazy, there WAS something going on. The friends of us as a couple that suddenly began turning down invitations, the friends of H that stopped going on their regular ‘lad’s nights out’ for no accountable reason, the ‘rumours’ that H had told me about (presumably in an attempt to head them off at the pass), the coldness, the irritability, the distance, the inexplicable willingness to walk to the local shop for milk when we didn’t need any at that precise moment. As well as the validation there was that feeling that I was an idiot for not realising earlier. You would think wouldn’t you, that a spouse of 20 years would KNOW that something was up. What a shmuck! What a sucker! Duh!! But that’s the cruelty of infidelity – trust becomes stupidity, loyalty becomes a joke. I will never forget that click-click of puzzles pieces falling into place. It’s a sound I can’t quite get out of my brain. Won’t ever let myself be that dumb and trusting again. Edited May 7, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed code 9
underwater2010 Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 I am right there with you waterwoman. And you are right...the return to normalcy is the best part. I am a sucker too....but I do not view that as a bad thing. I don't want to wonder the world thinking it is a dark place. I enjoy the sunshine and the rain equally. I want to always be that person that laughs and dances without a care. That is were I am striving to be. It is slowly coming back. Cheers the year after DDay!!!! 4
Author waterwoman Posted May 7, 2013 Author Posted May 7, 2013 I am right there with you waterwoman. And you are right...the return to normalcy is the best part. I am a sucker too....but I do not view that as a bad thing. I don't want to wonder the world thinking it is a dark place. I enjoy the sunshine and the rain equally. I want to always be that person that laughs and dances without a care. That is were I am striving to be. It is slowly coming back. Cheers the year after DDay!!!! Agreed. Life is brilliant. Must never forget that. 2
seren Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 WW, I had always been a person who found joy in each day, happy just to be alive and loved every moment of every day. After D Day I remember thinking I would never feel joy again, I yearned to feel as I used to, tried so hard to find my old self, but it eluded me for a time. Yes, I was happy, yes I laughed, loved and danced, but the sheer joy at being alive I used to feel always seemed just out of my reach. H used to say that of all the things he regretted, his actions that contributed to my loss of joy caused him the greatest pain. Fast forward almost 6 years and I am as close to feeling sheer joy again, sure sometimes I remember something H said or did during the time just before and during the A and I feel sad, to deny that would be stupid and I am so not stupid. Like you I questioned how I could miss all the little pointers that should have screamed at me an A, but I loved and trusted H, knew him as well as I knew myself. What I didn't acknowledge that at those times, H wasn't the person I had always known and loved, not physically obviously, but his head was someplace else and I had no experience of the man he was then. Like most of us, I asked, was told stress and that there was no one else, that I was loved, we made love, had moments of joy, but the something off feeling was always thought to be because he was stressed. The world tumbling down of D Day and the veil lifted and the aha I am not crazy moment was a welcome relief from the WTF is going on. Today we sat and had an ice cream on our favourite bench at the beach, we watched the kids paddling in the freezing cold water, but the sun was out. it was dammed windy so much so it blew my ice cream off the cone and I was covered in it, we laughed like drains and H wiped it off my face. During which he looks at me and tells me he loves me and loves to hear my laugh and that at times he had despaired of ever hearing it again. It was one of those times when it all drops into place. A young couple walked past and went awww, I realised we have become the middle aged couple on a bench that when seen by young people having a, in love moment causes an aww response. I never ever thought to feel such joy and I am so glad we have come to this place again. There will undoubtedly be sad times, times when we both think how close we came to losing us, it just makes those awww moments all the more precious. Yay for one year on, keep dancing, laughing and loving xx 6
Author waterwoman Posted May 8, 2013 Author Posted May 8, 2013 " I realised we have become the middle aged couple on a bench that when seen by young people having a, in love moment causes an aww response. I never ever thought to feel such joy and I am so glad we have come to this place again." Ah seren, that is lovely! It's what I hope for but I am not sure. So much water under the bridge since we got together, so many arguments and problems, so much pain and silence. We are trying to get there. Maybe we will x 2
jnel921 Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 I go through that too. I realize where I made the mistakes in not questioning things further. It's good to know a year out you are in a better place. Still working on it here on my side. 1
Author waterwoman Posted May 9, 2013 Author Posted May 9, 2013 what I don't understand here is that you said his affair was only six months and it was EA not PA. I would expect him to behave like that after several years but not six months. I know that my MM has stopped doing holidays and has become pretty much self sufficient in the home' date=' he has changed significantly even with me, but I would not expect you to click after just six months either. So at least it was only short. I cannot imagine how me or BS and MM would put our lives back to normal after 5 years (and I have thought about this recently) but six months is really nothing. Not being unsympathetic here, just telling you it really is nothing. Glad you are able to come to terms with it, but you are lucky it was not longer. Looking back I almost wish now BS had put the pieces together that quickly and we would have had d day sooner, then perhaps I would have been able to get out.[/quote'] Hi i'adore, even though we were having problems before the affair I could still tell something was up. We'd been together 30 years, we were best friends as well as h & w so even though our connection was weaker it was still there. And of course he deliberately told me twice about the rumours going round work when there was no need. First time I shrugged it off, second time it bothered me and after 24 hours of stewing I checked his phone. Without him virtually outing himself it would have taken me longer. But I agree, I was lucky I found out when I did. Even H doesn't know what would have happened if it had gone on for years. I really feel for you, and his wife, in your situation. I can't imagine how it must feel x
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