mbee Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 I feel like I'm all over the place. It's morning and a week since I last saw him (we broke up 2 weeks ago). Our breakup was extremely heartbreaking and he left me for a married woman who lives halfway across the country. I keep going through really low points to feeling semi-normal. My ex sent me three texts on Sunday, one which said "I love you too. I hope you have a bright and beautiful Sunday." Then yesterday the married woman emailed me, thanking me for some stuff and saying she is sorry for all the hurt she caused me. It just took me down and made me so upset. I started going to therapy. I am not contacting my ex, although I realize it's only been a couple of days. My birthday is Sunday and I booked a random 3 day trip to Cancun and am leaving in a few days. I've been browsing meetup. I even went on OkCupid and went on a couple of dates! I'm not sure what I'm doing. I just want to escape the heartbreak and live my life again. I moved here to be with my ex and we lived together for almost a year (together for over 2 years). When he left I realized that I felt so alone and had no close friendships with anyone (I have a few friends) in the area. I work Thursdays - Mondays so these are my days off. I'm hanging out with a friend later today, going to a therapist this afternoon and considering going to a meetup or a dance class this evening. Tomorrow night I'm going to an event with work colleagues. I just don't know if I'm doing the right thing to grieve through this or if I'm avoiding stuff? What helped people during the first month? What helped take your mind off of it? And maybe more importantly what made it worse?
maturityassets Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 What I would advise to do? Well its a bit hard. Most likely you can't do things that just have sitting you around all day. As a college student it was particularly hard to have just a laptop in front of me because it would be endless hours of me wondering if she would come back, should I reject her if she did, Why did this all happen? I think the dance class is a great thing. I went to a party at my school and I danced every bit out of anxiety out of me on that dance floor. Danced with other girls, danced with my close friends, and just jumped around like I didn't care. I would also say with the dating, be careful because you don' want to be reminded of your ex. Take things very slow. Never go beyond a kiss for any physical intimacy. If there is somebody you see potential in don't do the things that you use to do with your ex. Like the person I currently see, I don't hold her hand while I drive because I use to do that with the ex. I see therapy as well and ask for relaxation techniques. I realized how bad my anxiety actually is sometimes and that I used my ex to calm me down with phone calls at the end of the night. Try to be self dependent for a while. Now the don'ts? Don't be concerned with anything they do to you.Don't be concerned about if they have feelings for you, if they will come back, what you should do if they try to, and try not to contact anybody they are close with. Talking about it with friends is natural but don't focus on it. You'll know you are moving on when music no longer incites anger or sadness but it just feels numb. Don't eat at any of the same restaurants, Don't look at the things you guys share (I threw out everything besides concert tickets she bought me for my b'day because the concert still hasn't occurred and kept a pair of books she bought me only because they were from my favorite author). I don't have her on facebook, I don't have her number, I deleted every text and picture between us. Also most importantly don't put the blame on you. You are self improving not for the sake that you are flawed for other people, but so you don't need this person to make you happy. My recent break up, I couldn't have been a better boyfriend. I took her out, gave her initiative in life by convincing her to go back to college and finally learn to drive, was understanding to the skeletons in her closet, stood my ground when I disagreed, and mainly let her make decisions while putting my input so she can decide. She still calls me the best boyfriend she ever had and that she wished those feelings came back. But me as well as you deserve a mature person, who doesn't give up on love for the sake of others or because they are still "young" and not sure what they want. You want a real relationship and that person couldn't give you one. Plain and simple. Hope I helped 1
Author mbee Posted May 7, 2013 Author Posted May 7, 2013 That was awesome advice. Thanks so much! Sometimes I'm worried I am trying to distract myself too much but hearing your advice made me relieved. I am still working on the things I need to stop doing like checking his Facebook, although we are not friends. But thanks again and you are right, these people weren't willing to make things work or at least show respect. Thanks again and good luck with the girl you are seeing. 1
GI_Joy Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 The first month is the worst but I'm hopeful that it gets better afterward. One thing for sure is be optimistic that you'll get out of it. I wholeheartedly agree with doing a "spring cleaning" of sorts and basically erasing every little thing that reminds you of him. The first couple of weeks are painful because everything reminds you of him, even the little most common things (at least for me it was like that..) And getting used to not checking him on Facebook is also key...I was really bad at first, as he blocked me off facebook and I still managed to keep tabs by logging into my dad's facebook to see him...Luckily I'm out of that lol. Talking to a therapist also helps. As much as your friends are there to support you, sooner or later they'll start getting sick of the stories....Get out all your venting in the beginning so you're not stuck on him after a month goes on. And nothing's wrong with flirting around/being friendly with people even if it doesn't lead to anything. Flirting, to me, helps remind me that I still have it in me to be attractive to people 1
Author mbee Posted May 8, 2013 Author Posted May 8, 2013 Great advice. I'll keep giving it time and continuing to focus on me. This has been so difficult and heart breaking but not much else to do, except continue on.
crederer Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 You ever seen the movie "forgeting sarah marshall"? He goes to see his doctor, and the doctor says "She dumped you, right? You hurting? You hurt? Use your d*ck. Screw everything that moves....just use a condom". Good advice.
na49 Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 *I didn't beg. *I went NC not even a month after being broken up with. I started going to the gym I bought myself some new clothes I got a new haircut *I started going to counseling *these helped me the most. His life will go on without you. Your life will go on without him. It's very sad to think about, but your life HAS to go on otherwise you'll end up sitting by the phone for the next 30 years waiting for him to call.
Author mbee Posted May 8, 2013 Author Posted May 8, 2013 You guys are completely right and thank you. It doesn't help he called me about a couple of hours ago and I answered. He did say some things that do help me move on, about how he needs to work on some issues. He also apologized and said he very badly wants to be friends in the future and maybe reconcile if we both work on some issues we are dealing with. Hearing that actually made me want to let go even more. Him admitting that he was too broken to even have a relationship made me realize that this is something I need to let go of. Anyway, I'll continue counseling, NC, and trying to focus on my life. You guys are all so awesome and I'm so thankful for your advice!
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