Author cozycottagelg Posted May 8, 2013 Author Posted May 8, 2013 Cozy - I'm just curious, did he make the changes right away after you talked to him or took his sweet time? Right away. He definitely understood how long it had been building and how much was bottled up when I finally told him how I was feeling. As for the kids, they are the only reason I have not left. The idea of missing out on half their lives kills me and eats me alive. 1
notbroken Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 One of the biggest regrets of my life is that I stayed with a woman who did not love me for way too long. I sincerely hope that you find it within yourself to 'forgive and forget' and love your husband. "Staying for the kids" can be a very miserable life for all concerned. In my case, it just wasn't worth it.
Meatballsmom Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Your story has many similarities with that of my co-workers. Some day the kids will learn that their dad when told about the problem between the two of you immediately made changes. They are going to want to know why you did not tell him before, as you put it, it was too late and your feelings had changed. Hold on to that thought, as there is a chance that 10 or more years in the future, your kids, once they learn the details of the breakup will use that same line. "Our feelings have changed." In fact one off my co-workers had to hear how the very sight of her turned their stomachs. Like Humpty Dumpty there is no way of putting it back together once it is broken I truly wish you luck
GuyInLimbo Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Your story has many similarities with that of my co-workers. Some day the kids will learn that their dad when told about the problem between the two of you immediately made changes. They are going to want to know why you did not tell him before, as you put it, it was too late and your feelings had changed. Hold on to that thought, as there is a chance that 10 or more years in the future, your kids, once they learn the details of the breakup will use that same line. "Our feelings have changed." In fact one off my co-workers had to hear how the very sight of her turned their stomachs. Like Humpty Dumpty there is no way of putting it back together once it is broken I truly wish you luck Maybe I'm wrong, but since when do you tell the kids details such as that? I think that would be a horrible thing for one party to do to the kids, as that has the potential to cause unnecessary resentment. If the OP's husband were to share such details, that would be a really ****ty thing to do, IMO. One of the tenets of supporting the kids after divorce is to never badmouth your ex spouse.
2.50 a gallon Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 GIL Who said anything about either one of the partners telling the kids. Kids are smart and figure things out on their own.
2.50 a gallon Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 cozy You keep coming back to the idea that you need romance in your life. This will bring up another double standard trap. Any guy you meet and become romantic with will be seen as a home wrecker. So it might be wise for you to avoid any romantic entanglements for a year or two. While your future Ex will be seen as the betrayed spouse and will be encouraged to find some one new and move on in life as quickly as possible. What are your thoughts on separation? Are you planning on moving out? And what about child support?
GuyInLimbo Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 GIL Who said anything about either one of the partners telling the kids. Kids are smart and figure things out on their own. It was implied above. And I think that some people are using extreme examples of how children react to a divorce over the long term. Implying that the OP is going to be faced with her children rejecting her in 20 years is a bunch of bull and very unfair. If she and her (maybe)ex work together to make sure the kids have every ounce of love and support they need, then I think the outlook is good. Frankly, it sounds like the H should fear something like that, having essentially skipped out on all family activities. THAT is the stuff that kids remember. Do kids figure things out? Of course. I'm routinely surprised by my kids. But the example above was extreme and unnecessary, IMO. We have no idea what the back story was or what the circumstances were. It's not like this woman is banging another guy behind the scenes. She's genuinely tortured by how she feels. Like many other threads here lately, I can see the comments becoming more and more negative when I don't see the bad in her. Maybe it's because I can relate way too much and we're both "wrong." I don't know. 3
Act Two Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 It was implied above. And I think that some people are using extreme examples of how children react to a divorce over the long term. Implying that the OP is going to be faced with her children rejecting her in 20 years is a bunch of bull and very unfair. If she and her (maybe)ex work together to make sure the kids have every ounce of love and support they need, then I think the outlook is good. Frankly, it sounds like the H should fear something like that, having essentially skipped out on all family activities. THAT is the stuff that kids remember. Do kids figure things out? Of course. I'm routinely surprised by my kids. But the example above was extreme and unnecessary, IMO. We have no idea what the back story was or what the circumstances were. It's not like this woman is banging another guy behind the scenes. She's genuinely tortured by how she feels. Like many other threads here lately, I can see the comments becoming more and more negative when I don't see the bad in her. Maybe it's because I can relate way too much and we're both "wrong." I don't know. Yes, I agree with you on this. I got both of these examples when I first posted my backstory, and I had more justification for them because I WAS cheating on my husband. But the worse case scenarios and fear tactics are never going to save a marriage. There are many more anecdotes of couples divorcing and still having good relationships with their children. It was kind of like when my mom told me I would be better off dead than divorced- didn't save my marriage! Anyway, again, I think most of the cautionary posts here are encouraging that more work should be done before tossing away a marriage, especially when children and a family are involved. Cozy, I can sympathize with many of the feelings you have (although in my case my husband never really changed and I cheated on him so we blew it up), but it is very painful to not reciprocate feelings of love and affection. You feel like a jerk saying it but I know you wish you were not in this place. As I wrote earlier, I would encourage you to spend some time in IC and MC before making a big and possibly irretrievable decision. You can push someone away too far for good, and you don't want to regret that. I wish you the best! 1
trippi1432 Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 (edited) When I first opened up, last summer, he was blown away. He literally said to me “I tell everyone that we are the perfect couple and I had no idea you felt this way”..and I was shocked by that statement. How could he not know? Furthermore, how could he not know that his behaviors would make me feel resentful? When I say that I didn’t communicate properly, I mean, eventually I got sick of asking for his company, just to have him make up an excuse. That gets so very tiring. He always knew I was upset when he would choose to skip out on something I was going to. It didn’t change his decisions the next time around, he did what he wanted to do regardless. I think the reason I am having such a hard time is because I know he is a great person, I know he is. I know that he is a good husband and a good father. My fear is that he isn’t a good match for me anymore. This is probably a very lazy attitude, but sometimes, I don’t want to have to ask. I don’t want him to go places with me so that I won’t be mad, I want him to go because he wants to be there I don’t want to turn him into something he’s not for my benefit. Especially not if my feelings are gone. It just feels very crappy on my part, to see all these changes and not appreciate them. I try, I honestly do! We don’t fight, we don’t argue. We are friends. We email while we’re at work, if I see something funny online, he is the first person I want to send it to… but he isn’t the person at the end of the day, that I want to share a bed with. That is what hurts me. I know I don’t communicate well, but I did try. Maybe I should have been more confident, but I was really young. The shift in energy has changed completely at my house. It went from me being completely head over heels in love with this man and him being happy and loving me…to him being head over heels in love with me, and me being the less interested party. He jokes all the time how we have completely switched roles. Cozy - It's not what you did when you were young in the communication department, sheesh, at 21 how does anyone know how to communicate that effectively? But let's go back to that first bolded statement, this was his perspective of the marriage. He was happy doing what he wanted to do. In his own way, he probably thought you supported him and when/if he knew your disappointment, he may have figured you forgave him (that's where lack of communication does come into play)....communication didn't break down when you were 21, it broke down as you got busy raising a family, over time. The next bolded part, don't want to have to ask. Of course not, you want your man attuned to you and you to him. That was the hardest thing I had to learn in my next relationship, just to give you a tip on a single life if that becomes your decision. Somebody else said it on here...."men do need a clue" and the good ones, they do hurt when they really love deeply but know they aren't pleasing the person they love. They truly are NOT mind readers. (Sorry guys!) Next - I'm going to say something that is going to be another hard read for you Hun, this repulsion you have for your husband when it comes to sex, yes emotions have to be present and you have talked yourself out of them, but you also tie them to sex with someone you care about. That's not a bad thing....just know that when it comes to being a single woman again, you will have to put those things into perspective because where you see things going and where they (men other than your husband) see it going are two totally different things. Sure, you will have to find the right next guy..but it could take a while..or you could be totally happy alone, even after the kids leave home. If LS will let me post these, I'd like for you to take a look at them. This first one...I'm posting it because you talked about him not taking responsibility for the kids when you were away. This is one of my favorite Michelle Weiner Davis videos and something I learned before I ever saw this thanks to Al Anon. I think to myself it's something I should have done sooner when it came to a blended family. Here is where your husband is and where he will eventually go because you push him away. Stick around these forums long enough and the conflicting self help advice of Davis and Homer will kick in. But this one, you really do need to see. Please do watch this one, because this is where you and the man you used to know are. He didn't forget...and neither did you. Between the lines of your posts, this is where you both really are. Edited May 9, 2013 by trippi1432 1
Steadfast Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 But this one, you really do need to see. Please do watch this one, because this is where you and the man you used to know are. He didn't forget...and neither did you. Between the lines of your posts, this is what you really are. Great post Tripp. I just watched that, and after, I wondered. My ex cheated Cozy, then again and again, and mixed in lies and false hope. Radically checked out. I shocked myself by overlooking that and wanting to try, but as I said, it ultimately caused me to check out. You haven't cheated, have you Cozy? Have you met someone you're attracted to? Is it affecting your feelings towards your husband? No reason not to tell the truth (and I'm confident you will). It's an anonymous forum. FWIW, I don't see that is you. For whatever it's worth, I've grown to like your approach and sympathize with you, as a struggling person, through the words in your posts. Would you be offended if I said I understand why your husband doesn't want to lose you? He does love you. You know it. Watch the vid Cozy. Understand that men are dumb and, most of the time, totally clueless until they finally get it. When they do, they will not forget. Not much to add to the flood of advice and support you've been given here, but I do have one last thought. It's possible that your bitterness and frustration has severely damaged the respect you have for him. With no respect, there can be no sexual attraction. Look into it, OK? Keep posting.
alwaysforever Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 You sound like my husband sounds when we talk about his life here with me. We have been seperated for over 6 months and guess what, he is not any happier by himself than he was with me. I think you should at least give mc a chance, along with individual counceling. Your husband will survive just like I have and he is probably going to beg you to fix the marriage, but in the end you are the one who is not going to be happy. You are miserable because you have issues that you are not willing to deal with. Problems within yourself that you don't want to face.
LIFE.GOES.wrONg Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 But this one, you really do need to see. Please do watch this one, because this is where you and the man you used to know are. He didn't forget...and neither did you. Between the lines of your posts, this is where you both really are. I wish I hadn't watched this
Mr. Lucky Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 What are your thoughts on separation? Are you planning on moving out? And what about child support? I'm curious about this also. Have you really thought about the reality of separation and divorce? Missing half of your kids lives? Eventually having "Dad's new GF" parent your children? Dealing with the financial realities of divided assets? Sometimes the cure is worse than the disease. And your current situation may improve with time and effort. Hate to see you do something rash ... Mr. Lucky
trippi1432 Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 I'm curious about this also. Have you really thought about the reality of separation and divorce? Missing half of your kids lives? Eventually having "Dad's new GF" parent your children? Dealing with the financial realities of divided assets? Sometimes the cure is worse than the disease. And your current situation may improve with time and effort. Hate to see you do something rash ... Mr. Lucky Let's go a step further than that Cozy...did you ever know for all those years that you were parenting wrong until you exH put someone else in front of you to tell you that you were? Of course that means putting her own kids as priority because that is what happens............being a child of divorce, I knew when I needed to concede so my dad could smooth things over. Our son has finally learned to smile and fake the peace. It took a dresser being thrown down a set of stairs..but he learned. At the end of it all, everything that you single-parented your way though he built on understanding something..that thing that you hate right now. And he will do it better for someone else.......and you will be no more happier than you are now.
NYWoman Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 GuyinLimbo It is not as you put it Bull. This is not a scare tactic, only warning the poster what could lie ahead in her future As 2.50 has noted I have seen this quite often. Sometimes if underage, they will act up and refuse to cooperate when having to obey court ordered visitations. Then once they reach maturity refuse to share any part of their lives with that parent.
Gunny376 Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 (edited) There's a couple of ways this can play out? One is you divorce him ~ only to get back out here in the dating world to find out that he wasn't so bad afterall? I realize he's a "Johnny Come Lately" to the party, but better late than never? The simple fact of the matter is? Be you a man or a woman? Most potential spouses/mates/BF's/GF's/Partners? Whatever? Are noting more than an exercise in futility. They're just a waste of time, effort, energy (mental, emotional, psychological, financial) etc. When one does the math? The investment of time, effort, energy, money you investment just simply isn't worth all of the crap you've got to put up with, deal with, listen to, choke down on, swallow? Its hard ~ and I do mean all day hard to find someone that really loves you and all your BS ways? And IF you do? When you do? Don't f**k it UP! And that's easy to do! All so way easy to do! YOU/WE make think we're the "norm"? But Oh, Sister, Honey Child think again? Normal is a very subjective term? The husband you have now is absolutely the worse husband in the world, that is until you get you next husband/BF? What are you going to do when you dump him and he's moved on to another woman? And she's got him? The Devil you know is better than the one you don't know? I would sincerly hope that the next woman he gets with would have at least the common courtsey to send you a Thank You note or letter expressing your years of hard work in breakng him down, re-building him, building him up into the perfect man/husband for HER! All the while your playing those songs about "IF I Could Turn Back The Hands of Time!" and "Look Who's Crying Now! Edited May 9, 2013 by Gunny376
Author cozycottagelg Posted May 9, 2013 Author Posted May 9, 2013 Catching up from yesterday when I left work... As for the comments about the kids knowing and asking for details, my children are young. And I am sure they will have questions, either now, or in the future, but I'd like to think my husband will be respectful of me. I would be of him. I would answer each question with an age appropriate response. I am very level headed and have never disrespected my husband to his kids or to his friends and family. Any complaints that I have of him, I share with my two best friends when I need to vent (and now here), but otherwise, I don't belittle him in any way, and I'd always make sure my children were respectful of him as well. There is actually nothing that bothers me more than to be an outsider on someone elses divorce and hear them speaking ill of their ex in front of the children, it really really bothers me. I liked the youtube video of the walkaway wife. When I first started researching my "feelings"...I found articles that she had written, so I am familiar with her theory, and she is exactly spot on as to where I am at as well as his reactions from last summer. I have considered telling my husband to read these same articles to get a better perspective on where I am at and how I am feeling. Because I'm not great at getting things out, I thought it might be a starting point. Financially I will struggle, and my husband will too, but not as badly. I wouldn't be asking for anything as far as child support or alimony. I have a job, and I'd certainly plan on 50/50 custody. He owned the home when I met him, so I wouldn't take that either. I feel so "done"... I am reading all of your responses and I wish I had posted this a year and a half ago. I agree with basically everything, and yet I sit here and think it doesn't apply to me, because I've already checked out. It's so sad. There are times where I feel like I just want to be alone...but I probably would miss him and our life together. 1
trippi1432 Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 It's really sad to hear Cozy. Done here too, Good luck to your family.
Act Two Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 Stick around these forums long enough and the conflicting self help advice of Davis and Homer will kick in. But this one, you really do need to see. Please do watch this one, because this is where you and the man you used to know are. He didn't forget...and neither did you. Between the lines of your posts, this is where you both really are. I know you are done, Cozy, but I thought this combined with one of Steadfast's comments is worth discussing (IMHO anyway). I watched this video (thank you for posting Trippi) and am curious about one thing, because I know the loss of respect on my part for my husband caused me to put up a huge wall around my heart that Michelle mentions in this video. My question in preventing the walkaway wife syndrome is 1. how do you recover respect once it is lost, (which would hopefully bring back those sexual/romantic feelings), and 2. how does that wall come down once it is up?
Author cozycottagelg Posted May 9, 2013 Author Posted May 9, 2013 I know you are done, Cozy, but I thought this combined with one of Steadfast's comments is worth discussing (IMHO anyway). I watched this video (thank you for posting Trippi) and am curious about one thing, because I know the loss of respect on my part for my husband caused me to put up a huge wall around my heart that Michelle mentions in this video. My question in preventing the walkaway wife syndrome is 1. how do you recover respect once it is lost, (which would hopefully bring back those sexual/romantic feelings), and 2. how does that wall come down once it is up? I would love the answers to those questions as well!
Steadfast Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 I feel so "done"... I am reading all of your responses and I wish I had posted this a year and a half ago. I agree with basically everything, and yet I sit here and think it doesn't apply to me, because I've already checked out. It's so sad. I think many of us sensed you'd leave, regardless of the advice given, and that hunch proved to be true. You can't get over what he's done and you can't accept his changes to rectify it. You have no attraction, and no desire to regain it. You seem to embrace or acknowledge your role in the demise of your marriage, so it's hard for any of us to react with anger over you blame shifting. You're not. You are just...done. You're going to divorce him. My advice: don't wait. Both you, and your soon to be ex deserve a chance to find happiness. That chance is what keeps you going, isn't it? The hope that the gamble will pay off. It is good you know it's a gamble because it truly is. Give it all you've got Cozy! Learn from the past and don't repeat the same mistakes over. Here's hoping your ex husband will too. I would love the answers to those questions as well! You have the answers Cozy. Pages full of answers. My pop always told me before you can accomplish anything, you have to want it. Advice on how to restore the love and passion you once felt for him is like tossing a small burning match into a lake of cold water. It doesn't stand a chance. I too am stepping away from this thread. There's always another soul reaching out for advice or council here! My best wishes to you and yours- 2
Author cozycottagelg Posted May 9, 2013 Author Posted May 9, 2013 I appreciate all the listening and advice I received. Truly.
Mr. Lucky Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 I feel so "done"... I am reading all of your responses and I wish I had posted this a year and a half ago. I agree with basically everything, and yet I sit here and think it doesn't apply to me, because I've already checked out. It's so sad. There are times where I feel like I just want to be alone...but I probably would miss him and our life together. Strange and sadly ironic that you're faulting him - and on many levels, rightly so - for not meeting your relationship needs and yet you've said many times that you'd "just want to be alone". If the comparison is between life with him and a life alone and he loses, then you probably are truly done... Mr. Lucky
tojaz Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 1. how do you recover respect once it is lost, (which would hopefully bring back those sexual/romantic feelings), Act2 I think your asking the wrong question for the right reason here, and I think both of your questions really go hand in hand. It isn't about recovering respect as much as it is allowing yourself to let that respect be re-earned, or in some cases acknowledging and outwardly expressing respect that is/was already there, depending on the situation. Sounds simple enough, but then come the walls. Like in Mrs. Davis' video it's the "things can't change" or "too little too late" school of thinking. Using Cozy's situation as an example. Resentment builds over how her husband has acted in the family, but she doesn't say anything because, as she admitted her self, she avoids conflict. So as a small annoyance that could have been brought to light early on continues, so does the bricks in her walls. It's not an easy situation to be contemplating divorce, it's hard on a person, stressful, and emotionally draining and usually done in secret. Now that the walls are built, reenforced, and everything is set in her own mind and she is braced for the next step, then she lays it out to her H. By that time shes already gone through her hard part and he is playing catch up. (Genders just in relation to cozy, it goes both ways) As he takes action to try and patch things back together, she is holding firm and determined in remaining resolute in her decision. Not just because she has already decided it's the right course of action (which it may be) but also because she has already gone through the questioning phase and doesn't want to move back there based on his actions. Have you ever known someone that was flat out determined to be angry about something even when the reason for that anger has been removed or neutralized? Similar to that, but obviously much more complicated and including many complex emotions rather then just anger. For someone to open themselves up to letting respect be rebuilt, is to move the relationship back to a state of unknown... which is a very uncomfortable place to be, especially after spending so much time building a case on why it should end and being able to act froma position of courage and determination. Once things have progressed this far, it's very hard to slow or stop the momentum that has been built, but the first step to letting someone back in or even just giving them a chance to earn their way back, is to understand the dynamic rather then writing it off as a forgone conclusion. That's my long answer, short answer... A person needs to be brave enough to be vulnerable and risk being disappointed, and understand that the possible reward is worth the risk. 2. how does that wall come down once it is up? Just like it went up, slowly, deliberately, and one brick at a time. TOJAZ 8
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