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Hurt after she breaks things off with me...I just don't understand.

Cristoforo

By Cristoforo
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Cristoforo Established Member

Cristoforo

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So I had been seeing this woman for about 6 months. She is older than me. I am 29 and she is 42 but I the age difference has never been an issue as she has always dated younger guys. We really hit it off and have a lot in common and have gotten along great. I really enjoy her company and I've never had feelings like this for someone in a long time. She gave up alcohol for health reasons a few years ago and also sticks to a very strict, gluten free diet. She is into all different kinds of alternative medicines as well. She never had a problem with me having a drink or two when I would take her out to dinner. I don't really drink that much but every now and then I enjoy a few drinks and a nice buzz, but I certainly don't have a problem. I have always respected her decision not to drink at all and alcohol was never an issue between us. I don't think there was one time in the six months I've been seeing her that I had more than 2 drinks in her presence. I've never been intoxicated in her presence.

 

We had a great time on Saturday night and she was telling me about how her coworkers think I'm such a great and nice guy and that she thinks I'm great as well. I felt very happy to have her in my life and every time I saw her I would like her even more. Sunday I attended a party for the first communion of a family member of mine. There was beer there so I had a few there and when I returned home my neighbor was having a Cinco De Mayo party and invited me over so I had a few drinks there. I was buzzed but certainly not drunk. She wanted to talk with me so she called me and I answered it and we had what seemed like a perfectly normal conversation. I was telling her how much my friends like her and how I was excited to see her again. She texts me several minutes after our conversation ends and asks me to call her.

 

I call her back and she tells me that I seemed totally different on the phone and that it made her feel uncomfortable. She was aware that I had a few drinks and I told her that sometimes I like to let loose and have a few and today happened to be one of those days...This is something she knew before. I told her. I was at a nice family function having a great time and then I was at a neighbors party enjoying friends and great weather. I had a few more beers than maybe I should have but nothing to make me obnoxious or "different" as she claims. She brought up the point that what if she wanted me to come over out of the blue some night and I had been drinking? She basically seemed upset because I was buzzed off of beer and she couldn't handle that I didn't seem like myself. .I tried to reason with her and tell her that alcohol is such an insignificant part of my life and that it has NEVER been an issue between us, because quite frankly, I could never have a drink ever again and been fine with it. It doesn't mean anything to me.

 

She said she didn't want to see me anymore and it just caught me by surprise because one second she is telling me how great I am and then the next she doesn't want to see me anymore because I was a little buzzed when we talked on the phone? I said that maybe she needs to find a guy that doesn't ever have a drink and she disagreed with that and said there is a whole continuum of alcohol use and she is very aware of what jives with her and I guess me having a few beers on a nice day doesn't jive with her.

 

I'm very hurt because I really cared about this person. I'm confused because I don't understand why she is breaking things off. I've been miserable yesterday and today and I am coming here to find some good advice and support. Am I crazy to think she is overreacting a bit? Am I crazy to think what I did yesterday wasn't that bad? Am I crazy to think that I can somehow salvage this? I'm just unsure of what to do. How can I convince her that alcohol never has to be an issue again? She has known me long enough and been around me enough to know I don't have any kind of problems with drinking and never had. I really want to reach out to her to let her know how much I miss her and that I hope she can find it in her heart to want to see me again. I have been nothing but a nice and sweet guy to her and now I just feel like crap. Should I contact her or just let it go? I didn't think it would be this hard...

Chi townD Established Member

Chi townD

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Dude, who knows why she's pulling this crap. Maybe she was in a past relationship with an abusive drunk and hearing you buzzed made her trigger. Telling herself that she's not going down that same path again.

 

Or maybe she was mad that you were out having a good time without her. That you preferred partying instead of being with her.

 

Dude, it could be a dozen things. Best thing for you to do is to back off and start NC on her. Maybe she'll wake up and realize that she's being unreasonable.

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Cristoforo Established Member

Cristoforo

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Thanks. So don't send her an email? I just want to let her know that alcohol will never have to be an issue again. It was a rare occurence that I drank what I did. I don't have any sort of alcohol problem whatsoever and if I had to never drink a beer again just to have her back I would!

 

So you do think she's being unreasonable? I can understand if we had plans to hang out that night but we didn't. I don't get why this is such a huge deal breaker for her. One time I sounded a little "different" on the phone and that's it? She's done? Can't wrap my head around it.

Chi townD Established Member

Chi townD

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Nope, I wouldn't send anything. She needs to know that her actions have consquences. She made the choice to have you out of her life, so you give her exactly that. By sending the email, it can be viewed as begging and pleading and that doesn't help your case at all. It makes you look weak.

 

Plus, she needs to miss you. She needs to know that you're NOT going to be there when she calls by HER own choice! You're not going to be available to her.

 

And don't feel guilty about having a few drinks. If you're of age, it's completely legal and I'm pretty sure that she already realizes that you're not a fall down drunk. So, don't feel guilty or ashamed about it. And if she wants to end the relationship on something so trivial, then ( I know you don't want to hear this) I think you'll be better off without her.

lonewalker Established Member

lonewalker

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Hmmmm i would talk to her calmly about it as it seems like a small argument being blown out if proportions.

 

Think have good talk with her before no contact

If thats final, then u can start healing and move on.

LoveB86 Established Member

LoveB86

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Sounds like clearly she is using "the drink" excuse to feel less guilty about her issues of the relationship. Whether she is unhappy for whatever reason, to get mad and want to call it off after a cinco de mayo celebration sounds fishy to me.

 

She keeps harping on this drink scenario to make you believe you have issues with alcohol. If she clearly was/is concerned, instead of dumping you, she would talk with you and get you some help.

 

Am just ranting away. But she is up to something. I don't know what it is, but I would question her motives. Maybe her heart is catching up to her head, identity crisis, maybe her biological clock is ticking, maybe it is someone else, who knowsss! If I were you, I'll let this one go or give her space to think things out.

Edited by LoveB86
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Cristoforo Established Member

Cristoforo

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Sounds like clearly she is using "the drink" excuse to feel less guilty about her issues of the relationship. Whether she is unhappy for whatever reason, to get mad and want to call it off after a cinco de mayo celebration sounds fishy to me.

 

She keeps harping on this drink scenario to make you believe you have issues with alcohol. If she clearly was/is concerned, instead of dumping you, she would talk with you and get you some help.

 

Am just ranting away. But she is up to something. I don't know what it is, but I would question her motives. Maybe her heart is catching up to her head, identity crisis, maybe her biological clock is ticking, maybe it is someone else, who knowsss! If I were you, I'll let this one go or give her space to think things out.

 

Thanks. I honestly don't want to let her go because I really had strong feelings for her...and I just this is something that could be discussed and overcome. Unless she has some other issue with me she's not telling me. I wish she could see that alcohol has never been an issue and I have never once had a problem with it.

fancy feast Established Member

fancy feast

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Alcohol isn't the issue. It's something with her. Don't beg at the expense of your own freedom and individuality.

Zahara Established Member

Zahara

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I just this is something that could be discussed and overcome.

 

Exactly. If the relationship was meaningful to her, she would have discussed it in hopes of saving it rather than dump it.

 

Alcohol is an excuse.

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Cristoforo Established Member

Cristoforo

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An excuse is what I'm thinking it is. If roles were reversed and I truly cared and wanted to be with this person I wouldn't just bail like that. I'd want to talk it through.

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Cristoforo Established Member

Cristoforo

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Still hurting, didn't think it'd be this bad. Really miss this person a lot. Would it be a bad idea if I just tried to have a conversation with her about this? To let her know that this never has to be an issue again, and to even ask her if there are other issues that she never addressed? I feel like I can't just walk away completely and accept this without at least reaching out one more time.

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