tisme Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 I met this girl online and spoke to her nearly every day for a month. We had so much in common and I asked if she wanted to meet up. We did and it went really well - too well maybe. A week later we arranged to meet up again and yes, it went well. She asked if I wanted to stop that night, bare in mind we hadn't kissed or hugged yet. But we went to a bar and had some drinks so I was stopping - certainly wasnt going to be driving. We went back to hers and watches a couple of films. I went to kiss her and it all evolved from there on. The next morning she was looking sheepish and I asked her what was up. She said she thought this might have been too soon, which in all fairness it was. But we still got on ok. She was going on holiday/vacation that day where she said there's no signal so I didn't message her over the weekend. Last night I got a message saying she didnt think this was going to work and that it was her fault. She said she's rushed in to things and and doesn't feel right about it. I'm really bothered by this - I was starting to really like her. I messaged her back of course explaining it takes 2 and asked if we could talk about it and get round it. We got on so well it just seems a shame. She hasn't text me back but I made out that I thought we got on well and that I'd like to see her. Any advice? She's been messed around before so I don't think she used me for a minute.
Chicago_Guy Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 She probably did want a relationship, but is embarrassed because she assumes you think she is a slut for sleeping with you so quickly. 1
Author tisme Posted May 7, 2013 Author Posted May 7, 2013 I honestly think that is the case. It's just how she worded it: "I don't think this is going to work. It's totally my fault but I've rushed in to it and don't feel happy about it" Then it was just stuff like your a lovely guy and she enjoyed my company a lot etc. I really want to talk to her but I'm still waiting for a reply. It's not as though I'm running from her and moving on to the next girl. I really like her. What should I do, wait for a bit and see if she talks? Or try ringing her? I don't want to put pressure on her and mores the point not push her away.
Author tisme Posted May 7, 2013 Author Posted May 7, 2013 Haha Maybe. Although she was quick to tell me she enjoyed it. Must have been doing something right for 5 hours... 2
RedRobin Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 I've never personally witnessed a relationship working when people had sex that early. Even if it was great for both people... unless they knew each other in some way a long time beforehand. I'm talking mutual friends, work, etc.. some other context where trust and intimacy was developed. For your situation... In my observation, both here on LS and in real life... the girl ends up as a FWB at best (usually by default and implied), and the guy second guesses things too... She ends up being someone he screws and maybe enjoys... but dumps her for the girl he's romancing more slowly in his IRL social world. When I meet guys IRL now, I've come to understand that they probably have a f*ck buddy out there somewhere while they are getting to know me. As long as he doesn't break plans with me or lie about his whereabouts... I'm not going to ask a lot of questions... I just refuse to be THAT girl he's f*cking while he's got his eye's peeled for a BBD... ...but back to you..IMHO, she did the right thing. My advice is to move on... and next time, show some discretion yourself. Or, another suggestion is to agree to take things slowly and sit on your hands for a good month or two while you really get to know each other. 2
Author tisme Posted May 7, 2013 Author Posted May 7, 2013 I've never personally witnessed a relationship working when people had sex that early. Even if it was great for both people... unless they knew each other in some way a long time beforehand. I'm talking mutual friends, work, etc.. some other context where trust and intimacy was developed. For your situation... In my observation, both here on LS and in real life... the girl ends up as a FWB at best (usually by default and implied), and the guy second guesses things too... She ends up being someone he screws and maybe enjoys... but dumps her for the girl he's romancing more slowly in his IRL social world. When I meet guys IRL now, I've come to understand that they probably have a f*ck buddy out there somewhere while they are getting to know me. As long as he doesn't break plans with me or lie about his whereabouts... I'm not going to ask a lot of questions... I just refuse to be THAT girl he's f*cking while he's got his eye's peeled for a BBD... ...but back to you..IMHO, she did the right thing. My advice is to move on... and next time, show some discretion yourself. Or, another suggestion is to agree to take things slowly and sit on your hands for a good month or two while you really get to know each other. Thanks for your reply. I don't really want to give up on her. She's making out she's the guilty party in all this and she feels its not right now. It's getting her to talk to me that I'm struggling with. Hoping to call her later but we'll see. Everything was going really well so I'm shocked shes now against us.
serial muse Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 Sounds to me like nobody's the bad guy here; you're just running up against some baggage she's got and she's struggling to deal with it. I'm not sure there's a way you could have anticipated that - it's just unfortunate. I should emphasize that I'm not blaming her either - it may be that she didn't realize she'd have this reaction and she's just panicking. You said she's been "messed around" - so, panic can take you that way sometimes. It's a shame, but this is clearly something she's got to deal with somehow. I really think the only thing you can do now is reassure her that you really like her and you'd like to continue dating, and you hope that she wants to continue dating you, too. You could also offer to take a step back - say that while you personally don't regret having sex, you two could slow things down if it would make her more comfortable.
Art_Critic Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 IMO... She has other irons in the fire and has picked one of those to pursue. 2
crispywat Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 I met this girl online and spoke to her nearly every day for a month. We had so much in common and I asked if she wanted to meet up. We did and it went really well - too well maybe. A week later we arranged to meet up again and yes, it went well. She asked if I wanted to stop that night, bare in mind we hadn't kissed or hugged yet. But we went to a bar and had some drinks so I was stopping - certainly wasnt going to be driving. We went back to hers and watches a couple of films. I went to kiss her and it all evolved from there on. The next morning she was looking sheepish and I asked her what was up. She said she thought this might have been too soon, which in all fairness it was. But we still got on ok. She was going on holiday/vacation that day where she said there's no signal so I didn't message her over the weekend. Last night I got a message saying she didnt think this was going to work and that it was her fault. She said she's rushed in to things and and doesn't feel right about it. I'm really bothered by this - I was starting to really like her. I messaged her back of course explaining it takes 2 and asked if we could talk about it and get round it. We got on so well it just seems a shame. She hasn't text me back but I made out that I thought we got on well and that I'd like to see her. Any advice? She's been messed around before so I don't think she used me for a minute. I have a very simualr situation but without the sex....i met a girl online all was great, we met 1st time for a drink a few hours, second a meal was lovely, 3rd time for drinks in town alcoholic and 4th we went out yesterday bank holiday for a day out, i did a picnic and everything. she had said sat night all was great and things were really good between us, monday was also great but then when dropped her off she later text to say she only sees me as friend material. I dont get it just a day before she was saying she isnt running or anything. I dot get what i did but she now "needs time " to sort her head out. I really like her and feel led on or something. I sat on hands as liked her so much and didnt want her getting the wrong idea, it seems its backfired on me, she says she likes me alot and we get on, yet there is no chemistry between us. IE she isnt really into me at all. Im really upset , any thoughts on that ?
Author tisme Posted May 7, 2013 Author Posted May 7, 2013 I don't think that's the case. Pretty sure of that too. What do I do if I can't get her to talk to me?
CarrieT Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 What do I do if I can't get her to talk to me? You move on and start again with the process...
Author tisme Posted May 7, 2013 Author Posted May 7, 2013 I have a very simualr situation but without the sex....i met a girl online all was great, we met 1st time for a drink a few hours, second a meal was lovely, 3rd time for drinks in town alcoholic and 4th we went out yesterday bank holiday for a day out, i did a picnic and everything. she had said sat night all was great and things were really good between us, monday was also great but then when dropped her off she later text to say she only sees me as friend material. I dont get it just a day before she was saying she isnt running or anything. I dot get what i did but she now "needs time " to sort her head out. I really like her and feel led on or something. I sat on hands as liked her so much and didnt want her getting the wrong idea, it seems its backfired on me, she says she likes me alot and we get on, yet there is no chemistry between us. IE she isnt really into me at all. Im really upset , any thoughts on that ? If I were you, I would just give her space and maybe call her in a couple of days. I don't feel led on, I just feel its a mistake that was made on one night and now she doesn't want to know now
serial muse Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 I have a very simualr situation but without the sex....i met a girl online all was great, we met 1st time for a drink a few hours, second a meal was lovely, 3rd time for drinks in town alcoholic and 4th we went out yesterday bank holiday for a day out, i did a picnic and everything. she had said sat night all was great and things were really good between us, monday was also great but then when dropped her off she later text to say she only sees me as friend material. I dont get it just a day before she was saying she isnt running or anything. I dot get what i did but she now "needs time " to sort her head out. I really like her and feel led on or something. I sat on hands as liked her so much and didnt want her getting the wrong idea, it seems its backfired on me, she says she likes me alot and we get on, yet there is no chemistry between us. IE she isnt really into me at all. Im really upset , any thoughts on that ? Hey there - I'd start your own thread on this; it actually doesn't sound similar to the OP's situation to me. edited to add: oh, I see you did.
RedRobin Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 (edited) I"m shocked to hear that you would continue dating a guy that has a FWB while you're dating him. I would never do such a thing personally. If a woman told me she has a FWB or if I found out I would move on. I seriously don't know how people can do both at once and not feel guilty about it. Define 'dating'... and define 'FWB'. Noone here has successfully managed to define that in the time I've been here. Not really. As for me... Lets just say that I give a guy lots of rope to hang himself by... and that I probably make guys wait a lot longer than they are used to before sleeping with them. Especially for guys over 30 who think that interest = sex ASAP. I don't see how people have FWB at all... but it is not up to me to tell people I might be dating what to do with their life. It is up to me to look out for myself and do my best to create a situation where intimacy can develop. People with ongoing FWB usually have intimacy issues, so the problem takes care of itself without a lot of effort on my part. People can't help but let their true selves seep out over time. No need to press. Just observe. And wait. Never fails. Edited: Back to OP's situation (keeping it on topic)... look, early sex muddles things. If you want to keep seeing her, find a way to reassure her that you can do your part to keep things from falling off the track while you get to know each other... Edited May 7, 2013 by RedRobin
Author tisme Posted May 7, 2013 Author Posted May 7, 2013 She still hasn't text back do I call her anyway? I really don't want to let this one go.
shiver23 Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 She still hasn't text back do I call her anyway? I really don't want to let this one go. You'll always regret the things you never said or did. (When it's a thought-over thing). I would call her, but be prepared for the possibility that your heart may be broken.
Author tisme Posted May 7, 2013 Author Posted May 7, 2013 Well I've decided not to phone her. I'm going to give a few days to let her stew her problem. Then either just ask her a short and sweet "hey how are you?" Or open up to asking if we can try and make it work again. What's irritating is we have spent every day texting each other for a month, until this weekend. Feels so strange not doing now. :/
apple OR orange Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 basics: she had sex and doesnt like you... your never going to find out what it was: a. used you for sex b. you was bad in bed c. really didnt want sex that quick d. found another guy way better than you on holiday and did it the same date but he was so much better than you. DOnt bother thinking about it, however if this isnt the first time its happened then i would start to think thats just the way your sex life will be and it wont change.
mesmerized Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 I really HIGHLY doubt the excuse she's given you is real. Sounds like she wanted sex that night and got it but wasn't too pleased with what she got.
Recommended Posts