Tell me im not blame

[Skipper888]

Hey guys i just need to reassurance. I feel like im to blame for my ex leaving me. We had a LDR for a year and it was seriously amazing. Late last year she started wanting to spend more time with her friends (22yrs old) and i knew somethin was up. She left me in February after spending an amazing christmas n new years together saying she felt confused n had feelings for another guy.

 

So we broke up though that time we were in LC. She was saying she misses me etc etc. Anyways after a month we had a talk and said if we wanted to get back together we needed to talk like we use to and see each other. We spent Easter together and it was amazing like nothing had happened. Anyways i thought we were getting back together and told her that a girl had been texting me and i had been replying she cut sick ignored me and at the end of the week said we should end it. That lasted an hour she was texting me n calling me the next day so we continued talking every day and night 3 weeks went by and it was amazing i was happy she was happy. Her mum came over 2 weeks ago and we all hung out ( as i moved after i finishd uni to be closer to her, still 2 hr drive). It was amazing again like we were bf and gf again, kissing cuddling in from of her mum and sisters.

 

Anyways after that weekend i started to questiom her motives cause she had het to say 'i want to get back together' and i avoided the conversation

cause i was afraid it will put us back. She went out the next weekend with her friends and i was trying to be okay about it but i wasn't basically because i thought she was going out and spending time with the guy she left me for. She never once tried to resolve my insecurities about how i was feeling and never told me how she felt about me and what i wanted.

 

Anyways the weekend went by and she msged me on the monday like everything was cool however i just had the thought in the back of my head i was being played. I asked her about us etc and if she had hooked up with anyone since we had broken up. I felt like i deserved to know since she was kissing me a week before hand. She said yes a drunken hookup at a club about a month after we broke up ( week before she broke up with me for texting a girl). I felt sick and didnt know how to respond. i said i was fine about it after awhile since we were broken up and she just felt mad at me. Things never came good i was trying to be myself etc and she just ignored me and replied to my texts bluntly. She went to a music festival this weekend with her friends again and i just asked her ' what do u want from me' she said nothing i dont want anything, then she said i make her mad. i said ill leave u alone then.

 

Basically ended there and i texted yesterday are we over forever? she said yes i think its best. we keep hurting eachother and i will never be able to trust her.

 

I just want to know am i really to blame and should i feel guilty for not being able to trust her. i feel like i ruined thingd. but After all she left me for her workmate which she hung out with ( said that it wasnt the same as me). Yet she made no effort to make me feel at ease with my insecurities. She never told me she wanted to get back together or how she felt and would go distant and not be very responsive. She kept her feelings private and was always afraid to ask her what was going on.

 

Anyways she left me for a third time and i dont think she will be back n tried my hardest to win her back. Am i right in having insecurities about not trusting her? I felt like she made no effort in telling me how she felt or what she wanted

[EmptyWalls]

Trust her? She left you for another guy. Are you the one to blame? NO. I'm assuming you were good to her, never hit her, cheated, etc. We all have our flaws, but for the most part we can try to correct them. If she left and didn't give you the chance or talk to you about what was bothering her, not your fault. She kept her feelings to her self. Did it go something like "Honey whats wrong? Her: Nothing...". Dude you went back to her and you both were not ready for it.

You couldn't trust her and she couldn't commit to you. I don't think she wanted to, she never apologized or respected your feelings. I think she wanted to have you there as her man but not her boyfriend. Leaving her free to do what she wants and you'll be there. I'm so guilty of this. You have to distance your self dude! If you care anything about your self and her, distance your self right away. All this on/off, no trust, using, disrespect, it will turn bad trust me.

You will end up bitter towards her, mad and angry. Go NC, she said its over so let it be over. Its not easy no, I've been there and I'm still in pain but I'm in a lot less pain than I was when I was her doormat. She still calls me to this day needing stuff. Concentrate on you dude! Make yourself #1 if its meant to be its meant to be. Maybe shes confused or w/e but shes going to have to find that out on her own. I love my ex I really do! But I'm not going to wait because right now, its obvious she don't love me. She only loves herself. Stay strong bro!

Edited May 7, 2013 by EmptyWalls

[Skipper888]

thank you for responding ... She never communicated with me and still doesnt. I think she is just a silly, immature 22 yr old that although has a lot of responsibility with her job still has a lot of growing up. Was just doing a spotlight search in my phone for a song and old text msges that i have deleted showed up. Gosh only in February she msged saying i was the best bf ever! and loved me so much. Just shows she doesnt know what she wants cause she left me to pursue someone else. Its funny how when we were togethrr and 'in love' she hated going out drinking and getting drunk. Now all she does is spend her weekends getting drunk and trying to enjoy life. Well that gets old real quick and soon will realise going out with friends every weekend doing silly stuff isnt as fulfilling as a committed relationship with someone who loves you. But she has to figure that out for herself. I just want to forget her and for her to take blame for leaving me. She told me in early december things were rocky but not to worry. I spent the next 3 months showing her that i love her more than anything she used it as an excuse to meet someone and lose

feelings for me.

[lonewalker]

I dont thinn u r at fault. But then it hurts becoz u didnt do anything to deserve it. But u guess there is no absolute right and wrong in a relationship.

I am sure u will heal faster because you done what u would have done. U tried to salvage the relationship.. so heal and move on.

 

In the end she is no longer the person u loved. Its scary how someone we thought we knew so well becomes strangers. But thats what it is.

[Skipper888]

Yeah she has become a stranger. She got dressed up in a mario fancy dress costume to go this music festival. She would never have done that in the past. I think she misses doing silly things with her friends while she is young. She lives remotely in a very important job and gets no time to do anything except on weekends. So it was either hang out with me and do couple stuff or go out and get drunk do stupid stuff with friends.

 

Oh well i know what she has lost and i have to move on i really do, just hard to move on when 5 months ago things were perfect. But obviously not that perfect when she loved someone else who was the easier option and was able to by physically there for her and she got to see everyday. Oh well he is not me and she will realize people like me don't come around that often and she lost me.

[cinta_satu]

Skipper,

 

I feel your pain man. I'm in a very similar situation as you. I was with a girl for 3 years who I loved more than anything and I treated her like a princess in every way possible. All I wanted was to make her smile, feel loved, and spoil her. I was her 'best friend, soul mate, lover, and husband' (Her words not mine).

 

One of the hardest parts is accepting that they have changed into someone you can't even recognize. It took my ex all of 3 weeks to do that. I was her everything. She would wake up and the first thing she'd do was text me. She left me last Christmas, but wanted to remain close friends and help each other move on. I accepted bc well I was a fool. We were in a LDR btw. The texting continued and nothing had changed. We still used nicknames and miss yous. We stopped saying 'I love you", but she would occasionally still say it. She kept saying how no one could love her as much or make her happy like I did. This continued from Dec 26 until the end of Feb. She randomly goes "we need to stop talking like this everyday. it's not helping us move on."

 

2 weeks later she's dating another guy who lives in her city and close to her and perfect on paper. It really ripped my soul out, because never in a million years would I have imagined her moving on so easily.

 

Like you said, she hasn't yet realized what she tossed away. If there is one thing I am certain about it's that no one in this world can care for her and love her as much as I do. I would have done anything and everything to make her happy everyday.

Everyone we knew used to tell her how lucky she was to have some one love her like I did.

 

I still believe what we had was true love. And even though she told me she "never wants to be with me" and that "we were just not meant to be", I still believe.

 

I'll still move on with other aspects of my life, better myself, and try to be as happy as I can be. But she is definitely the one.

 

The super long version of my story is here - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/391254-my-story-quite-lengthy-how-proceed

 

I hope you're feeling better and working on loving and improving yourself. I'm not gonna tell you "move on man" because it's a lot easier said than done. I let what happened to me put me in a pit of depression and pain with thoughts of suicide. I'm still not completely out of it, but I decided to make an effort after I was able to witness the effects of this on my physical health.

 

Stay strong!

[Skipper888]

thanks cinta for you advice.. Its so hard and i know its going to be eash for her to move on. She works in a mining town that literally 90% of the population are men. She is a beautiful girl and i know guys will be texting her seeing her etc and its just ****ed!!

 

I cant get over how she just left i really cant, months ago she cried to me saying she had no one except me in her life and hoped i would never leave her. I took that for granted and lost her to her 'fake' friends that she will know for a few months more until they move to another job. Just really hate her for leaving me when i thought we had the best relationship even though it was LD.. there was no one that loved and cared about her more than me. I was afraid to show that at first cause i was afraid id lose her and i did. I woke up this morning crying, i just want her to be hurting like i am, i lnow thats mean but its the only way i feel better i guess

[cinta_satu]

stay strong my friend.

 

one day she will realize what she left behind and when she sees that you have been able to overcome this pain and come out stronger she will also realize how strong of a man you are. i know some of this sounds like false hope, but to be honest I don't know where to draw the line between 'false hope' and 'believing in true love'. What I do know for sure is that we have to pick ourselves up and come out of this as an even better person. Do not change who you are as a person, but better yourself. I almost made the mistake of going on a bender and hooking up with girls, but I was quickly able to realize that I'm not that type of person and I don't have to change myself just because she left me.

 

I cant get over how she just left i really cant, months ago she cried to me saying she had no one except me in her life and hoped i would never leave her. I took that for granted and lost her to her 'fake' friends that she will know for a few months more until they move to another job. Just really hate her for leaving me when i thought we had the best relationship even though it was LD.. there was no one that loved and cared about her more than me. I was afraid to show that at first cause i was afraid id lose her and i did. I woke up this morning crying, i just want her to be hurting like i am, i lnow thats mean but its the only way i feel better i guess

 

I feel the exact same way - word for word. Right after she broke with me we were still texting everyday all the time. There were countless times where she told me "I miss you so much. No one can love me as much as you do. No one can make me happy like you do. I'll never be as comfortable with anyone." I still remember on NYE I texted her "Happy NEW Year." And she started crying and told me "Don't say that. I tried to imagine a life without you and I can't stop crying."

 

She said all this only to change in to a completely different person in a matter of weeks and start dating the 'perfect guy' in March. I know that she has changed she is not the person that was my best friend and soul mate. She is in a new place with new friends and I'm quite certain they have had an influence on her.

 

I was in a LDR just like you. We were together for 1 year and then 2 years LDR because I was overseas. It didn't matter how far away I was the relationship was beautiful. She was so sure that what we had was so special and unbreakable. She loved me more than anything and I was her everything. I loved her and still love her unconditionally and more than anything else in the world.

 

And while all this is true, it doesn't really matter at this point. Initially I tried to tell her all this to which she responded, "Relationships come and go. People break up people get divorced. That's life." Six months ago she would have never said anything remotely close to that. But people do change, whether it be for better or worse. We can't control it and we can't change people.

 

I find myself crying a lot too and that's perfectly fine. It's better to let out whatever emotions you have now as it will help you move on in the long run. There are times when I feel a lot of anger towards her and just wish she was feeling a small amount of pain. The worst is when she puts up pictures with her new bf saying "Life is good." or when she updates her status saying "Glad to be done with the semester. It's been a great year." I just wonder whether she thinks about what I'd feel before posting something like that.

 

I try my best to get rid of all the anger I have towards her early on. I don't want to harbor any ill feelings towards her in the long run. If by some miracle she comes back to me, I don't want any of those ill feelings creeping back up.

 

Right now take care of yourself. Yes, we will keep hurting for a while, but that's not excuse not to take care of ourselves. Start by doing something small, but the key is to DO something.

 

For the sake of love, I hope things work out for the both of us.

 

Be well.

[Skipper888]

Thanks for your words they help. Its good to talk to someone who has been through the same. I wont change who i am. Thats one thing about me i know who i am, what i want out of life. I am a fun loving outgoing funny guy that everyone is attracted too. People get drawn to me cause i am confident in what i know and who i am.

 

She changed not I. Ive feeling alot better cause i know that i am a stronger person than she and always will be and good luck to her.

[cinta_satu]

It definitely helps to talk to someone who has been through the same. Sometimes we think about our situation and wonder why we are so lonely. But we aren't lonely. There are others feeling the same pain that we feel.

 

You sound exactly like me my friend. I always knew who I am and what I wanted out of life. And I am also fun, social, loving, funny and liked by everyone that knows me.

 

And you are right - we will always be the stronger person after having gone through pain like this and coming out a better person.

 

Keep building on the confidence you have. That's what I'm trying to do. When you're in a perfect relationship you tend to stop thinking about how you can improve yourself - at least I did. Now I want to become smarter, more knowledgeable, more physically fit etc.

 

Good luck to us both!

[Skipper888]

yeah i will do the same mate. We will come out better and smarter and stronger. They are weak cause they cant deal with things when things arnt going

right, they run and always will be running. It shows what type of people we are cause we stand and fight!!!

 

Thanks for the talk, if you need anyone to talk to just send us a PM or something

[cinta_satu]

Anytime man. The talk helped me as well.

 

And I will definitely reach out if I need someone to talk to. Thank you.

 

Take care!

[Skipper888]

Just an update. Just posted on facebook about running into a hot looking sales person who conned me into buying something and her brother in law liked it then unliked it. He has no idea me and her are over for good

cause 2 weeks ago he was there when her and i hung out like we were a couple. I feel guilty though for some reason. I wasnt trying to be mean or anything im just being myself.. i have blocked her on facebook and all her friends wasnt trying to hurt her. Gosh she posted photos of herself at a music festival ontop of some guys shoulders etc...

[cinta_satu]

Don't feel guilty man.

 

I feel like you are reading too much into the situation - and that's perfectly fine, our minds tend to do that.

 

That being said, in my opinion it's best if you avoid facebook for a while. I didn't block my ex (altho she put me on limited profile) or deactivate my account - I just left my account as is and don't log in.

 

The last time I logged in I saw pictures of her kissing her new bf and posting a status "exams are done. time to party. it's been a great year." It brought all the pain rushing back.

 

It's going to take a lot of strength to not check facebook, but I think you'll be better off if you don't. And I'm sure you have other means of staying in touch with the people who matter to you.

[Skipper888]

yeah i am.. I want my life just to be normal and feel like

im acting childish cause i keep logging in the deactivating it. I dont want to hurt her and i dont want to get hurt. I just want to be normal and thats what normal **** would post and say cause there the silly situations i get into and are funny.

 

I blocked her and her friends for that reason i dont want to know what she is doing or what i am doing. But i feel like im

being immature about it.

[Skipper888]

but yeah i just want to get on with my life. And be myself and be happy and im always worried about how she feels and stuff cause it was only saturday i was saying i loved her.