How do I stop being jealous that it's so easy for him to move on?

[kelbelle]

About two months ago my "perfect" boyfriend broke up with me out of nowhere. From the very first day that we met we were inseperable. We connected on every level and were "that" couple. Our friends loved us together, our families did too. Strangers would even come up and tell us how amazing we seemed together. During the week we would cook dinner and watch movies, just relax together, and then on the weekends we would always be out and about, doing different activities. He treated me so well and was so attentive and sweet. I did talk to him about his past and the fact that he had never really had any serious, long term, healthy relationships. He has had so many flings that it got to the point that almost every time we were out, we would run into someone he had either dated or slept with. The only other woman he had anything significant with lasted just over a year, and he knew that she was cheating on him the entire time.

 

Everything just seemed to fall into place with us, we both said we were looking to start settling down, got along, could do any and everything together. In January we started having problems because every weekend we would go out and he would get trashed. The first couple times it was funny because he has a very outgoing personality and loves to be the center of attention. But then as it continued, I felt like I was babysitting. I'm 26, and he was 29 at the time. So of course I still love to go out and have a great time! He takes it to another level of actually leaving me at the bar because he doesn't even know I'm not with him, nor checking to make sure that I'm ok after the fact. Another time he was so drunk my friends and I tried finding him, looking all over the bar for him. Then he stopped answering his phone and I didn't hear from him until the next morning, when he knew I was supposed to stay at his house that night. He was so wasted that he told us the wrong bar, didn't even know where he was, and then his phone died and he went home. Couldn't he at least let me know he made it home ok? Or made sure I did??

 

The last straw came the very next weekend when we went out for my friends 30th birthday. He drank so much that he walked away from me and I ended up taking a cab home by myself. My friends found him and he said he had been trying to reach me, but he didn't. They finally took his phone and saw all the calls and messages from me, but none from him. We had a long talk the next day and I told him I couldn't live like that. I'm at a stage in my life where I will party once in awhile, but not to that extent every weekend. My birthday was the next weekend so he decided not to drink at all. I told him I was very proud of him, because he did follow through with it. But he was distant from me the entire week. He said that we were spending too much time together and wanted a couple nights apart a week now. And at my birthday party he didn't even buy me a drink or my dinner, or really spend alot of time with me. That night I found out he had sent a text to one of his guy friends saying that we were on the rocks and he was going to get his single body ready. Obviously I got really upset. The next morning I woke up and he cried and said how sorry he was and that he really wanted to make it work. I loved him so much that I forgave him and we continued. The very next night while making dinner he told me again how he wanted more space. I got quiet because I wasn't sure how to react. So the next day we fought about it. And he came over and told me he wasn't sure if this was what he wanted, but we could try. He has been known to just walk away from relationships, and when I found out I asked him to promise me that if he ever had a doubt he would talk to me and put in the effort to make it work.

 

So the very next night I made plans with my girlfriends so he could have his "space", but then he asked me to come over. Of course I wanted to fix things, so I went. The whole night he was so cold towards me, made salmon (which he knows I don't eat), wouldn't cuddle with me, but did have sex, and just talked about how he had so much going on in his head and wasn't happy. The next morning he woke up, kissed me and said he loved me, then went to work. That afternoon he broke up with me over facebook. Since then he's told me it was me, that he's looking for the one and it's just not me, that he's just not there with me, so many different things.

 

Every time I try to just walk away and end contact, he says just enough to make me feel for him. I've heard and/or seen him out drunk every weekend since. A couple weeks after our breakup he was already dating someone else. His 30th birthday was a month ago and he knew that I had a huge party planned for him. And then he had this girl by his side instead. He wrote me the next week and I didn't respond. After he asked why, I told him it was because of the new girl. He proceeded to tell me that he just see's her as a friend, but she wants more. In fact, he made out with another girl in front of her on his birthday! Then he told me how much he loves life right now and being single and able to explore.

 

At that point I had enough. I've seen him out twice since then and both times he's come up to me and I've ignored him. I got messages about how amazing our weekends were together, and then asked why I was ignoring him. Was I upset or something? We can't be friends like that. I finally responded with a message saying that I've broken up with men in the past but I've never told them about my new relationships or how happy I was without them in my life. I told him no relationship is perfect but you work together and don't just walk away, and that I saw those warning signs in the beginning, and was upset that he did the same thing to me that he has done to every other woman. That it was inconsiderate and mean to say those things to someone that at one point gave him their heart. He has not responded. He's just moved on with his life and seems to be having a blast. I know that I'm doing all the right things by hanging out with friends and focusing on me, but I miss what we had. He was my best friend, my lover, my confidant, the person I went out with all the time, called every night. Did I overreact? Was I too harsh? I was proud of myself for not responding, but I couldn't take it anymore! I don't know if I can be friends with him, but I think that was wrong to tell me those things. How can I stop missing the most amazing relationship of my life? And being jealous of him being so happy?

[Aerrie]

I cannot imagine a man breaking up with a woman while getting sex without there being another woman.

[tbf]

kelbelle, if I were to hazard a guess, his primary relationship is with alcohol. When you threatened his primary relationship, he distanced himself. No matter how awesome the guy, if he's an alcoholic in denial, your life will be miserable.

 

Don't be jealous. If nothing else, feel pity. You don't want him back unless he's serious about staying on the wagon and even then, it will be an uphill battle.

[jussie]

I'm actually in a similar boat to you. My boyfriend dumped me about 10 days ago and is already back on the dating website where we met. Before I found out about this (yesterday), I actually thought we still had a chance to get back together, maybe start over as friends and work from there. CLEARLY I WAS WRONG. I feel the same way as you, "How can he move on so quickly? What kind of superpowers does he have that allow him to do that?" One of my friends told me that just because he is on the website, or in your case with new women, doesn't mean he's actually moved on emotionally. This might merely be his way of coping with the break-up. He doesn't want to deal with the emotions, so he slaps a band-aid on it by pushing those sad feelings down and going out with other women so that he's not lonely.

 

I think you're amazing for maintaining no contact, especially since you're the one that got dumped. I wish I had your level of self-discipline.

 

I also think that it's f'd up that he throws his happiness in your face, as if you don't feel bad enough about the break-up. I would say, just block his email and un-friend him on Facebook if possible - that way he won't have as many ways to contact you and bring you down.

 

Stay strong, I think you're doing great and you should be proud of yourself for taking the high road on this.

[GI_Joy]

lol, the fact that he felt the need to "show off" and gloat about how "amazing" his life is to you is pathetic enough. It's probably a front. People who really are truly happy with their lives don't need to actually say it out loud just to be validated by the people they dumped. He seems to be trying to get under your skin. Don't put him on that pedestal because he most definitely does not deserve to be on it.

[siankat]

Your break from him is still very fresh and as he was a big part of your life it is totally normal to feel overwhelmed by feelings of loss. I also dated a guy who liked to get trashed and while he didn't need to drink to function, he drank a LOT. I don't know about this guy but as someone else wrote, he could be an alcoholic which, when you are young you can hide it by doing it as a social thing until the clubbing days are pretty much over and that person drinks alone at home, in a bar etc Then you kinda know better.

 

In answer to your questions i don't think you were harsh. You come across as very eloquent and together and level headed so i'm sure you are handling it as best one can.

 

When you say there were signs at the beginning...what were they? and are the related to the breakup in your opinion?

[kelbelle]

When we first started dating I asked him about his past. He's only had one other relationship which lasted a year and it was with a woman who cheated on him the entire time, and he knew about it. Other than that he's only had flings, girls he's dating for maybe a couple months at a time, nothing serious. And with all of them he's just told them there was something missing out of nowhere, and walked away. I had a feeling he would do this so when things started to get serious with us, I told him that if he ever felt that way with us, he would communicate with me so that we could try and work it out. But now I don't know if I can even be friends with him, let alone do that. Some of the things that he has said to me have been so hurtful, and the fact that I feel like he's rubbing it in my face how happy he is just makes it so much harder. I'm not sure how to just let all of this go. How can we just be friends when I miss what we had in the beginning?

[lonewalker]

U didnt over react. I just think he doesnt deserve u

[siankat]

When we first started dating I asked him about his past. He's only had one other relationship which lasted a year and it was with a woman who cheated on him the entire time, and he knew about it. Other than that he's only had flings, girls he's dating for maybe a couple months at a time, nothing serious. And with all of them he's just told them there was something missing out of nowhere, and walked away. I had a feeling he would do this so when things started to get serious with us, I told him that if he ever felt that way with us, he would communicate with me so that we could try and work it out. But now I don't know if I can even be friends with him, let alone do that. Some of the things that he has said to me have been so hurtful, and the fact that I feel like he's rubbing it in my face how happy he is just makes it so much harder. I'm not sure how to just let all of this go. How can we just be friends when I miss what we had in the beginning?

 

 

I used to think i could be friends with an ex ...and we were for about 8 years after we split, although friends at a distance. One time he tried to reconcile but other than that the issues we had in our relationship (that includes what happens during a break) were always there and now we don't speak. I think if that person cannot be with you in a relationship, you cannot be friends either. It's just not the same thing. You would do it to be close to him, to remind him how great you are, and hope he realises his mistake and changes his mind? Even if he did, the things that are happening now will linger over you...

It seems from a cold hard look at what you have written that he has behaved true to form....and that while you felt one thing (something healthy), he was on a different course, and maybe sure at one time you were on the same page but not anymore.

 

I know we women like to be the one that 'changed' them or was 'different' to the rest but in a case like this, he obviously liked you a lot but not enough to change his fundamental behaviour that is necessary for a healthy long lasting relationship. Sounds like he was itching to get back to his cycle of drinking, casual dating etc

 

Credit to you that he stuck it out as long as he did!

And by the way, there was no reason for him to lose respect for you but by what you have said, it seems he has and you cannot have a relationship of any kind with a person who does not respect you. It has nothing to do with your self worth, more like his lack of backbone and consideration,

Edited May 7, 2013 by siankat

[LoveB86]

He clearly is not worth it. He left someone good (from what you wrote) to be single?? I don't know what's his deal, but sounds like he is clearly not thinking with his head and if I were you, to put you from Girlfriend to "friend" is a downgrade and that is quite offensive. IMO

 

Give him space and worry about yourself from here on out. He got problems as I don't know where to start... alcohol, partying. He is 30yo and still playing this lifestyle?

Edited May 7, 2013 by LoveB86

[kelbelle]

I'm 26 and I still go out. About once or twice a week I go out with my friends and I do drink and dance and have fun. I don't get to the point that I don't know where I'm at or anything, but on special occassions like a birthday or celebration I may drink more. Is it bad that I miss the fun we used to have? We always had a great time together! And I keep seeing him at these places we used to go to, always surrounded by lots of new girls and in the center of the limelight. It makes me jealous! How do I stop that?

[siankat]

find a cool new place to hang out

[kelbelle]

The thing that's getting me the most is when I didn't respond, I heard from him even more than usual. But after I sent him that message explaining that those are things that you just don't tell your ex, and that it was inconsiderate, not the man I thought he was, I've gotten no response. I want to ask him why but won't that just make me feel weak? Why at least not a response?

[SalientPoint]

The thing that's getting me the most is when I didn't respond, I heard from him even more than usual. But after I sent him that message explaining that those are things that you just don't tell your ex, and that it was inconsiderate, not the man I thought he was, I've gotten no response. I want to ask him why but won't that just make me feel weak? Why at least not a response?

 

Because this guy is a total mess. It sounds like you didn't do anything wrong, but he's pretty much a train wreck. First off, I'm about your age, and I still like to go out and party, admittedly I probably drink too much for what all the experts say that you should as a woman, but it's not every weekend, and it's not to the point of where your boyfriend gets. I've never done that in the company of a significant other constantly, and if I really loved her and she said to me in the terms that you said to your ex, I would take her concerns into account and try and work on it without punishing her.

 

Also given his age, the fact he's never really had a serious relationship is a pretty big red flag. I mean, there are exceptions to the rule, like if he grew up really religious, or has some kind of other mental or emotional issue (sounds like he definitely has a substance abuse issue, so maybe that's it?) but if nothing else he has intimacy issues. I know where you're coming from because my ex is 34 and she really only had one other serious relationship besides me as well, and she basically ended up dumping me for the exact same reasons in the exact same way that she dumped her. So, like you said, I should have taken that into account, but everyone wants to give someone they live the benefit of the doubt.

 

I would just keep up the NC, that's really great you've been doing that btw, and just chalk it up to this guy has a lot more problems under the surface than keeping a relationship together. Not that that will take away any of the pain, but you sound intelligent and like you're already doing all the right things.