Compromize Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 Looking for some insight from the 3 plus month BU/NC crowd (or anyone that has any I guess ): When do you finally come to terms with the finality of the BU? Is it when you realize you are waiting, regardless of what you tell yourself? When you stop having your actions be guided by the "what if they come back" part of your conscience that says don't date, don't put yourself out there? If you do does it feel like you are "cheating" on your ex? I am at close to the 3 month mark with 99% of it being NC. I find myself waiting and basing my actions somewhat on the "what if she really comes back" (she said she wanted me back 2 weeks ago and disappeared again after saying it) scenario. She certainly isn't (dating multiple guys, admitted it when she called a couple weeks ago) and I can't seem to shake that feeling of I have to do "right" by her and our "relationship". Each day gives me a little more "Fu@k you!" but I am not sure that my mind/heart is willing to accept the truth; she isn't coming back and if she does she isn't the same woman you loved months ago and can you really live with her actions and possibly her sleeping with other men? She was the one who was not trusting of me! I would have been faithful until I died! Grrrr it pisses me off!!!! But they say the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior.
thefooloftheyear Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 Your feelings are normal for anyone locked in this "stuck" mode when the emotional part of their brain has taken over and dominated the intellectual/practical side. Think about what you are saying...You're putting your life on hold for someone who obviously isnt putting their life on hold for you. Think about it this way. Would you go to work for someone that didn't pay you? Its really no different. The only difference is that in that case the intellectual/logical side wins out. And OK, so you miss her and hope she would come back. How is putting your life on hold acheiving that goal? So what happens if by some chance she does want you back? Do you think you are going to look attractive to her by camping out(emotionally) on her doorstep like a fool? Live your life to the fullest. If she comes back, you will be strong and confident and that will impress her. If she doesnt, then look at it as her loss. Period. TFY 1
agb Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 I definitely know where you're coming from. I'm going through a similar phase. I'm at 2 months NC after a 3 year relationship, and though I've accepted that it's not going to happen, I still hope that it does. I think we just have to be in tune with our emotions and know that it's alright to wish that she comes back, because you invested so many emotions into that relationship. But at the same time we have to make the effort to move on because they know that you love them and that you care, but they're still sticking to their decision anyway. And I totally agree with your last line. I'm at a point, though I still miss her everyday and love her immensely, if there was an option of getting back together, I don't know if I'd take it cause she's capable of hurting me again. But just accept your emotions for what they are. I try and get through things like that. I try and understand that it's hurt so much not because I can't live without them, but because I loved them so much and put so much into it and they rejected that out of the blue. Much easier to say than do. 1
fiftyofsomethin Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 Same situation man. In my experience, what really helps is to just look at the moment you are in right now. At most, look at the day you are in. And now think of all the fun and enjoyable things you can do/are doing/have done. None of them involve her. She is not a necessary part of the happiness equation. She is just another girl. The second I realized that all this worrying I am doing over her is just weird when you think about it, is the second I truly started moving on. Think about it, just forget your past happiness with her and your future hopes with her, and think of her as just another girl for a second, isn't it weird that you would be thinking this much about just another girl? And if you don't think she is just another girl, you should start to. If she doesn't wait for you, you shouldn't wait for her. Good luck buddy, to you and all of us who share this struggle. 2
Author Compromize Posted May 7, 2013 Author Posted May 7, 2013 Thank you gentlemen. There are a lot of D bags out there that would just hook up with the next girl in line and us real men who are here to truly come to grips with the situation, our feelings and ourselves are what most women would kill to have, or at least they say they would I know this point is the crucible, the point where you start to really realize that it's over and new grieving and realization comes into play. I am taking it day by day. What I had, what we had, is not returning and each day forces a little more acceptance. It helps to know that I am not the only dude going through this, you would never tell by looking at me what a fuc@ing emotional whirlpool this BU has caused me but us men are not supposed to show it. I give you gentlemen props for being real enough to help out your brothers.
crederer Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 Ironically, when you get to the point that you truly move on is the point when the ex comes back. Not that all ex's come back obviously, but the ones who do tend to do it at this stage. You can't fake it though, unfortunately. It has to be legit.
fiftyofsomethin Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 Honestly, the way I see it, you really can TRULY say you have moved on when you can have a conversation with your ex where you are truly just friends without ANY intentions of getting back with her. Don't obviously try to do this though to see if you are ready, I mean if you happen to bump into each other or something. And honestly the only way to do this is to build up self-confidence and realize that you have so many other options for love and relationships out there for you to choose. The true reason that I have found in possessive/obsessive/clingy exes or even just a partner who still is with their gf or bf is that they don't believe they have options. Think about it, if you were with someone who you got really easily, or you didn't have to chase hard, would it bother you so much that she is talking to another guy? hell no. Because you believe you are better than her and you could find someone else easily. If you however find someone who you perceive to be slightly better than you are (aka my situation and seemingly yours) you will have a harder time getting over her because you subconciously or conciously think that there is no one better than her that you can get. So essentially just build up an abundance mentality and try to think optimistically about your future. EXPECT good things to come to you. If you have something other than her to look forward to in your future, you will be much better off. 1
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