Removing the ex from that pedestal

[J_L_C]

My question is this: How does one take his/her ex down from that pedestal we all seem to build up?

 

Despite the horrible things some of our exes have done, we always tend to see the good in that person...even when the bad outweighs the good in actuality.

 

Instead of reminiscing about all the good times, the good qualities are exes possess, how have some of you managed to take him/her off that place of honour?

[GI_Joy]

take your mind off the past and focus on the present. That ex of yours that you enjoyed in the past isn't the person that is in front of you (or lack thereof) now. Somewhere along the line, they changed. That's what I remind myself. Then again, it's a tad bit easier for me because I found out that my ex was a lying cheating SOB after all this time.

[J_L_C]

I find it especially hard because my ex was an amazing person the entire time we were together. It wasn't until AFTER we broke up that he showed his true colours.

[OwlSoul]

1. Understand that you put someone into a pedestal just because you're being rejected;

2. Keep telling this to yourself whenever you start thinking of your ex;

3. Keep convincing yourself feeling that way about a person is not healthy and makes you desperade.

[J_L_C]

I mentioned before that the majority of my ex's poor behaviour occurred AFTER the split. It's easier to rmbr the good times while we were together because our relationship didnt turn sour until only days at the end. It's hard to focus on the bad because I tend to justify things by saying "well he acted this way because we were broken up. He didn't have any reason or motivation to be nice anymore".

[na49]

I don't think you need to turn him from an angel into a tyrant. Turn him from an angel, into a person. A person who gets out of bed, goes to the bathroom, needs air, food and water to survive. A person who is no better than you, or me or anyone else. Obviously it's easier said than done, but doing mental gymnastics doesn't help.

 

I could never see my ex as a tyrant for a long period of time, but I stopped seeing her as an angel and started looking at her as a person. (thanks to my counselor which btw have you gone to one yet?)

[J_L_C]

Have you read my previous posts and the terrible things he did to me???

[Leegh]

Unfortunately, you cannot, until you fall out of love with him. When we are in love we overlook all of the bad stuff, and focus on the good stuff. In addition, sometimes we are strangely attracted to the bad stuff. Time is what is needed. When you fall out of love with him, you will have clear thinking about this person again, and see him the way he is. I have fallen in love with guys in the past, that I didn't really like or respect.

[na49]

Have you read my previous posts and the terrible things he did to me???

 

I have and it's obvious that none of it was terrible enough for you to say "f*ck this guy. Good riddance you clown!"

 

So I'm suggesting a different approach. I think that you still think you're "in love with him" and you keep thinking of how great he was in the relationship instead of the terrible things. What's done is done and if you don't want to realize what he did to you was terrible, and that you don't deserve to have someone whack off in front of you while they're breaking up with you and watching you cry. then no one here can help you to realize it. Only a counselor can. Hearing it out loud really does help. Do you want to see him for who he is, or who you want him to be?

[Simon Phoenix]

I mentioned before that the majority of my ex's poor behaviour occurred AFTER the split. It's easier to rmbr the good times while we were together because our relationship didnt turn sour until only days at the end. It's hard to focus on the bad because I tend to justify things by saying "well he acted this way because we were broken up. He didn't have any reason or motivation to be nice anymore".

 

I just don't see why you continue to justify his behavior because "you were split up". Most dumpers do not act as deplorably as he did. His behavior was not typical of dumpers -- it went far beyond what is appropriate and right. That's what you need to focus on. It's not when he acted that way that's important, it's the fact that he acted so horribly in the first place.

[Zahara]

"well he acted this way because we were broken up. He didn't have any reason or motivation to be nice anymore".

 

I didn't know that people needed a reason or motivation in order to be decent human beings to one another.

 

Baffling logic, or lack of.

[J_L_C]

I just don't see why you continue to justify his behavior because "you were split up". Most dumpers do not act as deplorably as he did. His behavior was not typical of dumpers -- it went far beyond what is appropriate and right. That's what you need to focus on. It's not when he acted that way that's important, it's the fact that he acted so horribly in the first place.

 

I think you hit the nail on the head to some degree. I am fairly 'inexperienced' in the number of serious relationships I've had. Long-term ones anyway. I was in a 5 year relationship prior to this and it ended mutually. The only other case of me being dumped is this one. I've never experience being let go of until this happened with him. I guess in my head I just imagine all breakups to be terrible. I don't really have anything to compare mine to.

[Simon Phoenix]

I think you hit the nail on the head to some degree. I am fairly 'inexperienced' in the number of serious relationships I've had. Long-term ones anyway. I was in a 5 year relationship prior to this and it ended mutually. The only other case of me being dumped is this one. I've never experience being let go of until this happened with him. I guess in my head I just imagine all breakups to be terrible. I don't really have anything to compare mine to.

 

Yeah, I've been broken up and have been the one to break up and nothing on the same planet of what happened to you occurred. Can't recall ever hearing about something like you experienced either.

[J_L_C]

Yeah, I've been broken up and have been the one to break up and nothing on the same planet of what happened to you occurred. Can't recall ever hearing about something like you experienced either.

 

How have your previous breakups gone?

[todreaminblue]

My question is this: How does one take his/her ex down from that pedestal we all seem to build up?

 

Despite the horrible things some of our exes have done, we always tend to see the good in that person...even when the bad outweighs the good in actuality.

 

Instead of reminiscing about all the good times, the good qualities are exes possess, how have some of you managed to take him/her off that place of honour?

 

reality.....hits....and knocks them right off...i see his flaws now and i see his good points.......his flaws are partly why we split up not because of the good things about him....i put him above others.......that pedestal thing......in fact ....i didnt follow my faith and what i truly believed in.......i will never do that again....god provided a very hard lesson for me......i basically treated him like a king.......in every way.......ill never put a man above my faith again....so no more pedestals......ill still treat a partner extremely well,as i should do, what is right, but i wont give pride of place........or ignore what i believe in to be with someone.......so faith and god knocked my ex off his pedestal...i learned the hard way.......deb

[Simon Phoenix]

How have your previous breakups gone?

 

When I break up, I typically tell them I want to break up. That's pretty much it. Sometimes I've given the "It's not you, it's me" line. When broken up I've been told that either a) it's not working b) I think we should see other people or the most recent c) nothing, she just stopped responding to most of my calls and texts after I withdrew in a drunken stupor one night.

 

So basically, nowhere in the realm of what you dealt with. You've tried for months to justify his behavior and have ignored how rare and inappropriate it was for any situation.

[Lostint]

In my experience, this is the one step you need to take to actually get over your break up.

 

I've spent the last four months blaming myself for the breakup and glossing over all the things that made me do it in the first place. Once I decided I'd made a mistake and wanted my ex back, I refused to allow myself to think anything negative of him- every issue in the relationship became my fault, in my mind. He was way up there on his pedestal.

 

Two things happened in the last week to change my attitude:

1) I saw him out and about with his new girl - forcing me to face the reality that it's well and truly over

2) I bumped into an older ex, one with whom I had a great relationship and an amicable split. The contrast between how we interact, and how I interact with my ex, is incredible. It made me realise that I just didnt have any connection with my ex, we didn't understand each other at all. I now realise there's no way in hell I'd go back to that relationship.

 

I think it helps to start thinking about your ideal relationship. Once you start comparing your ex to that they'll come down off their pedestal pretty quickly.

[OwlSoul]

I guess the problem most of the people who get dumped and/or want their exes back is that we always overthink the situation, rationalize and try to apply a logic to something which is mostly dictated by our subconcious.

 

Less braining, more feeling of the current moment is the best way to heal.

 

Your subconcious, which is affecting you being in love, is bad in differing your thoughts and the reality. So, more you think about your ex and what went wrong, more time your subconcious will spend in a worry, sending you signals that you must change the situation. No thinking = no existance of your ex in your mind = less pain.