Is this a normal thing to tell your SO?

[Adunaphel]

It happened again:

I asked my bf if he'd change me for a girl who appeared on tv on a beauty competition, whose looks he complimented, and he said "first I'd have to know what her personality is like, personality is important as well".

The other time the same lines were exchanged, it was about a girl in a porn pic.

 

We started to discuss - I admit I was pretty upset and thinking something like "hey, it's great to feel so special for your boyfriend".

 

M y bf said that yes, he'd change me for a girl who was better looking and with a nicer personality. He said this is normal, and if I don't admit thinking the same about him I either don't know myself a lot or I'm an hypocrite.

 

I'd like to know if it is normal, thinking that you'd swap your partner with a person who is better looking and has a better personality.

I got so upset about it because I associate this (logical) way of thinking with not being in love with your partner.

 

I don't know if I'm just being a drama queen or if this was a red flag, or both, or neither.

 

My bf said he is not responsible of my insecurity (he is right here, can't blame him) and tired of all this drama. He said I'm egotistic. He said he is not in high school anymore. He suggested me either to grow up or to discuss the subject with kids in high school.

 

Is it normal to think that you'd swap your partner with someone who has a better personality? Does it mean that you are not in love with him/her? Or it just means nothing, and it is normal 'when you are no longer in high school'?

 

I don't want to be with someone who is not in love with me, but if it is normal that someone can be in love and say that, then I have no reason to worry and I got upset over nothing.-

[DerangedAngel]

I think you might have a few differing opinions on this one, Adunaphel. I'll only be posting what I think.

 

That being said,

 

!

 

I'd like to know if it is normal, thinking that you'd swap your partner with a person who is better looking and has a better personality.

 

Well, here's the thing: If you're in love with someone - how the hell would you desire someone else enough to leave that person? In my opinion it's not really love if that is the case.

 

He shouldn't be able to find a person who suits him better if he is truly happy with you. At the very least, he shouldn't openly be thinking that he could.

 

What if you were married? Should he be able to divorce you because he finds a hotter girl with a 'nicer personality'? Would he? Would it make him fall out of love with you?

 

That's bulls***.

 

From your previous posts, I already know I wouldn't like the guy. Maybe I'm judging this situation with that in mind.

 

I'm sorry you're feeling hurt and unloved.

 

-Deranged

[bluechocolate]

Honestly - you shouldn't ask silly questions like that. You're baiting him & showing up your insecurities.

 

Sure he could have been more sensitive. Has he done anything to make you question his fidelity? Is he out there looking for this prettier girl with a better personality? If not, then I would suggest that you have nothing to worry about. But if you continue to look for reassurance in this manner I'm willing to bet that he will start looking.

 

"first I'd have to know what her personality is like, personality is important as well".

 

This should tell you something about him and about the way he feels about you.

[NatoPMT]

of course there is always going to be someone better looking or funnier or nicer or whatever. there's no getting round that. but if you are in love with someone, if you agree to a relationship with them, you forgo wanting to be with others, or looking for something better. You shouldnt be in a relationship if something 'better' is a potential agenda.

 

you shouldnt be with him. i dont think its normal at all, it maybe is normal for young boys who dont know any better. If Johnny Knoxville asked me on a date, which of course he could any day now, i would say no. I would rather be with my boyfriend thanks, sorry Johnny, lovely as you are and all that. No hard feelings.

 

i dont think his lack of evident infidelity matters, what matters to me is that hes not fully engaged in being with you. it seems if he's been faithful, its for lack of opportunities.

 

i wouldnt waste your time, sorry petal.

 

BB

[Jilly10340]

Mmmmm, I would say it's a reg flag. It's completely insensitive. If he loved you then he would think you were perfect as you are. And you can't get improve upon perfection. See my point? It's like he's saying he's going to get rid of you once he finds someone better. To me, that's not love...

 

You're bf shouldn't want to change you. If he wants to change you then he doesn't love you, because if you changed then you wouldn't be you.

 

If that makes any sense, I think I confused myself...

[Adunaphel]

Thank you both for your replies.

 

Bluechocolate:

 

Honestly - you shouldn't ask silly questions like that. You're baiting him & showing up your insecurities.

 

I really shouldn't.... every time I ask questions like that (don't get me wrong, last time was quite some time ago), they backfire.

I guess I keep asking because I'm hoping to hear an answer that will make me feel special to him. Instead, I get answers I am not at ease with, I get upset, I upset him, I end up as a nagging girlfriend and granny-awarded drama queen (first actress).

 

Sure he could have been more sensitive. Has he done anything to make you question his fidelity?

 

Not really, but we used to have some problems until a few months ago because he used to cross some lines with female friends of his. Stuff that he though was totally harmless and to me felt like cheating. But this is old stuff now, and no, he didn't do anything to make my question his fidelity. Not in the last couple of years, at least.

 

Is he out there looking for this prettier girl with a better personality?

 

Problem is, the other time an argument like this happened he said that even if he is with someone, he looks around and compares. We had a discussion because I wanted to know what he meant with 'looking around'. Turned out that he wasn't "actively" looking around, but still looking around. I'm still trying to figure out wheter it means nothing or I have to worry about it.

 

If not, then I would suggest that you have nothing to worry about. But if you continue to look for reassurance in this manner I'm willing to bet that he will start looking.

 

I'd make the very same bet.

 

"first I'd have to know what her personality is like, personality is important as well".

 

This should tell you something about him and about the way he feels about you.

 

I guess it would if he thought that I have a great personality, but he doesn't. I guess it's okay to him, but he says that he hopes some sides of my personality will change in time. (he is *not*trying to change me, he just hopes they will change as i get older. My guess is that at least some of them won't.)

 

Deranged:

 

Well, here's the thing: If you're in love with someone - how the hell would you desire someone else enough to leave that person? In my opinion it's not really love if that is the case.

 

This is why what he said upset me so much. My line of thought is exactly the same! When I'm in love, I could meet a handsome guy with the greatest personality and never think "hey, I wish *this* was my bf. If it happens, it's because I've already fallen out of love.

I posted mainly because if there are people out there that can be in love with their gfs BUT would change them for 'something better'.

Perhaps my bf just implied "if I happened to fall in love with them", but then, again, I might be deluding myself on this one. I can't ask him now whether he implied this because he is sick of the argument and would get upset if I brought out the subject again.

 

What if you were married? Should he be able to divorce you because he finds a hotter girl with a 'nicer personality'? Would he? Would it make him fall out of love with you?

 

He once said he'd look around even if he was married.....still, he didn't mean "actively" looking around, but it didn't sound good.

 

I'm sorry you're feeling hurt and unloved.

 

Thanks, you are really sweet.

 

I really hope that this feeling will go away soon, and that it is just me being over-sensitive and over-whiny.

Things are way better with my bf than they used to be anyway, and I hope they stay that way!

[Adunaphel]

Originally posted by BigBelm

of course there is always going to be someone better looking or funnier or nicer or whatever. there's no getting round that. but if you are in love with someone, if you agree to a relationship with them, you forgo wanting to be with others, or looking for something better. You shouldnt be in a relationship if something 'better' is a potential agenda.

 

He actually is not out looking for something better, but I'm worried that if he *stumbles* in someone better he will actually dump me.

 

Your words reminded me that once he said that" of course there is always going to be someone better looking or funnier or nicer or whatever" and I have to accept it and live with it. I replied to him that what mattered to me was not being the most interesting girl around, but to be the most interesting girl around *for him*. looks like we really don't understand each other.

 

you shouldnt be with him. i dont think its normal at all, it maybe is normal for young boys who dont know any better.

 

This makes me feel way better. My bf thinks that *my* attitude, expecting that when you are in a relationship with someone he/she would not want to change you with prettier/nicer person, is childish!

 

I dont think his lack of evident infidelity matters, what matters to me is that hes not fully engaged in being with you. it seems if he's been faithful, its for lack of opportunities.

i wouldnt waste your time, sorry petal.

 

Thanks for having been so straightforward with me.

I guess I'll just wait and see what happens...I still like to hope I might have misinterpretated his words, but I'll be very careful if there are other red flags.

 

]Originally posted by Jilly10340

 

It's like he's saying he's going to get rid of you once he finds someone better.

I told him that it sounded exactly like that..... he answered "did you see me act like I'm looking for something better? " and he has a point.

He never gave me the idea, by his actions, that he was trying to get rid of me.

This is quite confusing!

[moimeme]

I guess it would if he thought that I have a great personality, but he doesn't. I guess it's okay to him, but he says that he hopes some sides of my personality will change in time. (he is *not*trying to change me, he just hopes they will change as i get older. My guess is that at least some of them won't.)

 

I'm sorry this guy is not very sensitive. I'd agree that what he said was that you're not the best thing he could imagine and that that's not a great sign. The person you love is the person you pick because you can't imagine anyone better - or, rather, that even people better-looking and more perfect would not appeal to you because the person you love is so special to you.

 

Having said that, often people do love others in spite of their flaws, but would happily do without some of the flaws. Are any of the 'sides' of your personality he doesn't like 'changeworthy'? In short, does he have legitimate grievances? If so, you might want to devote more effort into repairing them.

 

People say you shouldn't change for someone, but nobody's perfect and if there are things about you that need changing anyway, there's all the more incentive to work on them if they bother someone else, too.

[bluechocolate]

Just a guess, but I think there would be general consensus that qualities like confidence & high self-esteem are attractive. Therefore it stands to reason that their opposites are unattractive.

 

To my mind that type of question (as in your first post) illustrates a lack of confidence & a low self-esteen. People who are constantly needy & require ego-stroking on a regular basis can become very tiresome.

 

Maybe these are the sides to your personality that he hopes will change?

 

I guess I keep asking because I'm hoping to hear an answer that will make me feel special to him.

 

If he is NOT making you feel special in other ways in your relationship then perhaps you really do have problems (in your relationship, I mean).

 

We had a discussion because I wanted to know what he meant with 'looking around'. Turned out that he wasn't "actively" looking around, but still looking around. I'm still trying to figure out wheter it means nothing or I have to worry about it.

 

That is kinda strange. If he means he's just "checking out" someone nice looking as they pass by, well to my mind that's different than "looking around". That does rather imply that he'll keep you around until someone better comes along.

[tiki]

If the question asking aspect is important to you...

 

Keep asking those questions. But one day you will find a man that can provide you with all the answers you've been waiting to hear.

 

But in order to that, you must continue to move on...until you hear that right answer.

[savethedrama4allama]

Hi there, please don't take offense to this. But I think you asked him one of those typical trapping female questions.

 

No, I don't like his answer. It makes no sense to me. If he'd trade you for a "better" looking woman with a "better" personality, why doesn't he? It would be called A NEW GIRLFRIEND.

 

But, I do know that there are guys who tell you just what you want to hear. At least he's honest, but I think that is bad and perhaps you should re-evaluate being in this relationship with him. Maybe try asking him- if thats how you feel, why are you with ME? Ask the relevant questions, not if he'd trade your looks for a porn star. I've made the mistake of asking those questions in past relationships, and there is no correct answer that leaves you feeling good about yourself.

[tiki]

there is no correct answer that leaves you feeling good about yourself.

 

Um...except for "I wouldn't trade you for the world". Don't settle on a man that would upgrade you on your looks and personality! That's lude.

[Jilly10340]

I agree with tikibrandy

[savethedrama4allama]

Tikibrandy, jilly, yes thats a nice answer...I guess my point was that no answer would satisfy my need to ask again. Constant reassurance. Its a bad cycle. And even if he gave me the "correct" answer once, I'd be asking on down the road for more of that assurance.

 

I prefer being in a relationship where I don'tfeel compelled to ask because I feel loved.

[DJ_Dork]

look at these women giving WOMENLY advice to another woman and TRICKING MEN we have to be sensitive.

 

YOU ASKED THAT INSECURITY QUESTION TO HIM. Women expect men to think like women, No. Ladies, get it in your head we are Yes/No people, we're not "umm maybe" female types.

 

That is like me asking my girl "Would you prefer a guy that was better looking, better personality, and bigger member"

[YellowLioness]

That is like me asking my girl "Would you prefer a guy that was better looking, better personality, and bigger member

 

Dork, you aren't listening.

 

If you are in love, no, you wouldn't trade that person. You see? Love makes you stop looking to "upgrade" because if you love someone, you know that you have the best.

 

If you asked your girlfriend that question, and she said that she would trade you in for a newer model, I'd suggest dumping her.

 

Someone who is only wating around for the next best thing isn't the kind of true blue best friend lover partner we all quest for deep down.

[Jilly10340]

Exactly. The point is not whether you ARE the best, it's whether your bf/gf THINKS you're the best.

[Adunaphel]

Originally posted by DJ_Dork

look at these women giving WOMENLY advice to another woman and TRICKING MEN we have to be sensitive.

 

YOU ASKED THAT INSECURITY QUESTION TO HIM. Women expect men to think like women, No. Ladies, get it in your head we are Yes/No people, we're not "umm maybe" female types.

 

That is like me asking my girl "Would you prefer a guy that was better looking, better personality, and bigger member"

 

 

Hey! wait...you are a guy, right?

 

would you *expect* your girlfriend to reply : "yes, why, sure!" ?

 

Do you think it is normal for *all* (or *most*) men to answer like my bf did?

Would *you* change your own girlfriend for a more beautiful woman, if you liked the personality of this other woman as much as (or more than) your girlfriend's personality?

 

*what if this is a male-female thing???? should I write to john gray and ask???* uhm.....<wears thinking cap>

[Adunaphel]

Originally posted by moimeme

Are any of the 'sides' of your personality he doesn't like 'changeworthy'? In short, does he have legitimate grievances? If so, you might want to devote more effort into repairing them.

 

Some of them actually are, and I'm trying to work on them.

Funnily enough, one of them is my insecurity and my lack of self esteem.

he is probably right when he says that many of the arguments we get into originate from my insecurity.

 

Other sides of my personality he wishes will change 'as I grow up' (btw, it can be quite annoying having someone who is only seven yrs older than you saying things like "when you'll grow up, you'll understand" or "I hope this side of your personality will go away in some years, and it probably will") are, unfortunately, about me getting upset about things that are harmless to him. ideally, in his opinion, if I were a mature person I'd have no problems with 'harmless' things like a female friend of his sending a pic in a see-through bathing suit. These are things of my personality that I'm positive won't change. And they should not, IMO.

 

People say you shouldn't change for someone, but nobody's perfect and if there are things about you that need changing anyway, there's all the more incentive to work on them if they bother someone else, too.

 

I totally agree with you

 

 

Originally posted by bluechocolate

 

To my mind that type of question (as in your first post) illustrates a lack of confidence & a low self-esteen. People who are constantly needy & require ego-stroking on a regular basis can become very tiresome.

 

What do you think is a regular basis and what is acceptable?

I guess everyone needs a little ego-stroking from time to time, but I'm probably beyond the line of 'average requests of compliments'.

 

Maybe these are the sides to your personality that he hopes will change?

 

Exactly. It's mostly these sides.

 

I guess I keep asking because I'm hoping to hear an answer that will make me feel special to him.

 

If he is NOT making you feel special in other ways in your relationship then perhaps you really do have problems (in your relationship, I mean).

 

I am not feeling really special, at the moment. That was probably because I was so upset today.....there was something going through my head, a little nasty thought that went like "you are not really *doing* much to show me that I'm special, I can live with it if at least you show it to me with *words*, and I don't get even the words?"

 

That does rather imply that he'll keep you around until someone better comes along.

 

That is exactly what I'm afarid of, even if the fear might be immotivated.

 

 

Originally posted by savethedrama4yrmama

 

No, I don't like his answer. It makes no sense to me. If he'd trade you for a "better" looking woman with a "better" personality, why doesn't he? It would be called A NEW GIRLFRIEND.

 

Exactly. He'd trade me with a new girlfriend if she was better. (sounds SO logical, huh?)

 

Maybe try asking him- if thats how you feel, why are you with ME?

 

No way. he'd either say to try to figure it out myself (he is not willing to work out my insecurity issues for me) or get pissed. I might ask some days/weeks later, yet. Today he'd get even more pissed.

 

 

Tikibrandy, jilly, yes thats a nice answer...I guess my point was that no answer would satisfy my need to ask again. Constant reassurance. Its a bad cycle. And even if he gave me the "correct" answer once, I'd be asking on down the road for more of that assurance.

 

You hit it right on the head!!!!

Last time I got a 'right answer', the issue didn't come up for months!

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

I'm feeling pretty bad right now. I might be just paranoid over nothing, but there is a little voice inside me saying "he is NOT in love with you, wake up, baby!".

 

This weekend we should meet, right now I don't feel like shaving my legs, painting my nails, spending time to do anything to improve my looks *for a man who said he'd swap me for something better*, let alone have sex with him.

I'm hurt, I'm resentful, and I can't help it.

 

What if this weekend I just meet my friends?

What if I ask him to take me to a real date, spending the weekend *in front of friggin the tv*(I *hate* ****ing tv) is NOT my ideal romantic date....NOT with a guy who'd change me for something better. If I was feeling special to him I would not *really*mind what we do when we are together on weekends, as long as we are together.

 

What if I told him, "this time *you* could come and see me", we will not be able to have privacy since I still live with my family, but who cares anyway???

or tell him, why don't you come to my town and pick me up?

 

I am feeling a bitch and that hurts.

 

Sorry, just venting.