Minor set backs

May 7, 2013

The finalization of my divorce is closing soon. Another 3-4 weeks and the papers will be ready for us to sign in person, together as I do not trust her to sign alone.

Things have been going well. I've buried myself into work, studying and spending time with friends. It's helped, although the time right before I fall asleep is the hardest.

Since the time I've moved out, my STBXW has been sending me the odd message here and there, for odds and ends I've forgotten at the house. A cup, a pair of pants, one of my uniform jackets (obviously needed that haha).

But over the past two weeks, I've met someone, just out of the blue. She's a Veterinarian, recent divorcee (2 years), 30, owns her own house and has her shizzle together.

We've clicked, and she knows what I'm going through, and expects nothing from me as she knows I'm slightly broken at the moment.

But here's the kicker. During the day, I can't remember what my STBXW's face looks like, or remember what she smells like. What he laugh sounds like, or remember her touch.

It's terrifying, and liberating at the same time.

With this new woman, although still very much a friendship, I'm happy when I'm with her. I make her laugh constantly, and on our first 'date', we sat in a local coffee hour for 9hrs just talking about nothing. It was nice.

Here's the kicker.

This evening my STBXW messages me and tells me that she's left the lawn mower and outdoor chair, along the back fence for my mother to come pick up. She said she left them along the back fence, because they were too cumbersome for her to move by herself.

And that set me off.

So, my 61 year old mother, is going to a house that is still in my name, to pick up some of my things and you can't even be bothered to move them closer to the driveway so she's not killing her back. Good ****ing lord.

And here's the thing, for the first time in a long time, I didn't care about her. I felt embarrassed and ashamed about my mother having to go there, with her tail between her legs because my STBXW has already threatened to sue, if my mother pulls any shizzle.

It's just infuriating.

She's also requested that my mother come at a time when she isn't home, as she does trust my mother not to try and kill her (and rightfully so), as my STBXW has pissed off the largest, angriest, Momma-Honey Badger that has graced this world.

I suppose the point is, I've moved past the point of wanting my STBXW to message me during the day, and just talk to me, and moved on to the point where is just ruins my day and pisses me off that she still has the audacity to talk to me.

I guess that's a good thing.

Another good thing? The new girl gets me, she doesn't poke and prod about my past, and she'll listen to me when I'm comfortable to spill all the details.

In the meantime, she's perfectly happy to spill the details of why she's so bitter over her marriage. But we make each other laugh, we're constantly texting when work allows, and she's been pretty aggressive with proposing more meet and greets.

The only thing standing in my way? Some stupid piece of paper that keeps me tied to a morally inept, loose, poor excuse for a 'woman'.

Common divorce papers! Smokerat wants to go to Panama with the new lady!

May 7, 2013

this is all wonderful and I am happy for you. Enjoy your new friend but do not jump too fast, KWIM?

As for you stbxw, file that under DDW...Distance Does Wonders for assessing a persons true character...or seeing them in a different light, maybe, more realistically.

And next time she wants you or your mom to pick up stuff? Send some hired movers. Don't put yourself or your family in situations that will hurt feelings.

NC....get it? it equals no new hurts.

May 7, 2013

And this new friend knows to take it slow with me, but I already know she has me pegged as hers haha.

I suppose it doesn't hurt that the new girl is a spitting image of Zooey Deschanel, whom I've have had core crush on for near a decade.

Regardless, she's happy to move at whatever pace I am comfortable with. She's been through this, and to actually sit and speak with someone who's been through it, is doing wonders.

There are days I feel guilty, guilty for starting to feel happy with someone else. There are days my White Knight is screaming at me to fall on my sword, but I'm learning to control him.

This new girl is healthy, happy, vibrant. She doesn't need a White Knight, but she'd like one. I think that is a healthy place to put my White Knight, with someone who wants him, but doesn't NEED him.

I suppose the guilt will leave eventually, maybe one day I'll be able to forgive my STBXW, who knows.

Night time is the hardest, because I still go to bed alone.

I am trying to not get too excited with the new girl, but it's exhilarating. And it pains me to say this, but I suppose this is how my STBXW felt when she was with her OM. Except you know, what I'm having with this new girl doesn't make me a giant douche nozzle.

My mother wants to go to my old house, as she wants to make the harlot (her words), feel uncomfortable. Mum is almost banking on my STBXW pulling something, anything, so that she can go batty on her ass. Haha. My mother is an odd women, been in more bar fights than most men, and finished nearly all of them like a champ.

But it's these odd text messages for this and that, that feel like a punch in the gut. I suppose that sensation will dwindle with time right?

May 7, 2013

She's well aware of how broken I am, but she's also been where I am right now.

Again, we aren't moving forward so much a relationship, as a friendship. And if in time, it develops then that's fine.

To be honest, the time I've had away from my STBXW has helped. I thought I'd be a much larger mess than I am not, but it's been liberating.

Whatever this woman's intentions, she's made it clear I'm not 'date-able' right now, but she's spotted a 'good' man, and as she said, anything good is worth the wait. If it turns out great, if it doesn't then at least I've made a good friend.

Trust me, she's seen the flashing stop sign haha. But trust me when I say that the flashing red stop sign, it quickly turning to a yellow light.

The co-dependency thing is fading quickly, as I do not have someone who slings themselves over my shoulder and begs for help all the time.

I do get where you are coming from, but it feels healthy, it feels right. I've been miserable for years, and I'm not about to pass up a chance to dip my toes in the pool of happiness, although I am cautiously doing so.

This women is truly a good person, and she's a kind soul, although very assertive and stubborn. If things start to move too quickly, I'll be the one putting the stop sign back up.

As for the STBXW. Well, she's a nutter. She has one of her ex-students moving in with her, and has been hosting parties for ex-students and friends at the place. Looking at it from the outside, it's like watching a nuclear reactor go into a critical state, only a matter of time until there is a full scale melt down. Never mind the moral and legal implications of partying with former students.

I figure it this way, my wife has moved on, if even superficially. And that's fine for her, I've never been one to do that. But I can feel myself separating from the life that I had, and having difficulty remembering details of it. Like I said, what she looks like, smells like, her laugh, smile, eyes, and I figure that's a good sign.

Part of my job is taking risks, calculated risks, but risks nonetheless.

Risk a little to save a little.

Risk a lot, to save a lot.

My happiness is worth a lot, so I'll go out on a limb and risk a lot.

When my old house goes into a full melt down, I'll make sure to post the pictures haha.

May 7, 2013

smoke, I'm sorry to say this, but this lady friend of yours, something is off. My guess is she isn't nearly as put together as you think she is. A emotionally healthy woman would not involve herself with you right now, it's just not smart and such high risk.

A wise woman would see the flashing caution light above your head, actually she would see a flashing red light right now.

This is not a reflection on your character at all, it's about you not being healed and datable yet. Also from the way you talked about your marriage, you have KISA tendencies, maybe co-dependent. You really need to address those issues before you date and you of course should get your divorce first.

Smoke..........I say this out of concern for you and as a former woman whose man picker was broken. This woman..........something is off with her man picker, there is something she is not telling you. I'm sorry.

Smoke, I understand that your new friend knows your story, and seems healthy...but I do have to agree with Lady Grey here. As wonderful and cute as she is, you only decided on divorce in March, two months ago. You are still in the process of healing, which is normal and understandable in your circumstances. Please be careful for your own sake, and also please do not use this woman as a rebound. Good luck.

May 7, 2013

Rebound, oh hells no.

I've been a rebound, and I wouldn't inflict that on someone else. Right now I'm happy with the occasional companionship, and leaving it at that. Once my divorce is finalized, I'll reevaluate my position in life.

Right now, the priority is getting my name off that damn house, and getting paid for my equity. Name is still on the house and property, but I'm not living there, still haven't gotten paid, and the mortgage is still coming out in my name, however, the STBXW does make weekly payments back into my account for the mortgage.

It's nice that she has time to invite highschool students over to the house for parties, but can't be bothered to call the bank and switch the account.

Silly.

May 7, 2013

Be prepared for every contact from your ex to be more irritating than the last. My ex and I almost exclusively communicate by email and text but even those are irritating. It would be nice if she would evaporate. At least you will be aboe to fully detach eventually; no kids, right? My kids are just 6 and 10 so I have a lot of years to deal with her. Ugh. Consider yourself fortunate.

Good luck with the new chick. Pay attention to the caution that is expressed by the other posters. You're pretty vulnerable to external validation right now so your "woman-picker" might be a little broken. All that said, I started dating damn quick after my drama and I think it helped me move on. I didn't want to delay my second life so I could sit and be depressed instead.

May 7, 2013

Ask one of your buddies to meet your Mom at the house and load up the things for her. Pay him $50 if you need to.

It shows what a jerk your ex is - leaving that task to your Mom. She still thinks of no one but herself.

Have fun with the new gal - slow is best - keep up with counseling.

You're doing well - I'm happy for you.

May 7, 2013

As for the STBXW. Well, she's a nutter. She has one of her ex-students moving in with her, and has been hosting parties for ex-students and friends at the place. Looking at it from the outside, it's like watching a nuclear reactor go into a critical state, only a matter of time until there is a full scale melt down. Never mind the moral and legal implications of partying with former students.

YIKES How old are these ex-students? Hope you can get your name off that deed ASAP.

May 7, 2013

That's the term I'm looking for, irritating.

Her emails and texts are incredibly irritating because they set me back when I get them.

As for my Mum going to pick up the stuff, my Aunt is also going to help her, and she's a tough old bird so I believe they will do fine.

It was funny, at least to me, that when I told my STBXW that my Mum and Aunt were coming at 4-4:30pm rather than 3:30pm, she sent me a message and said:

"Oh that's ok, I'm busy with tutoring anyway, and then after I'm going out with my friend Trish for girls time."

Yea that's great. Good for you, a simple that's fine, or no, that's not fine would have sufficed.

Things like that bother me, we're not together anymore, so I've no interest in your daily functions.

I'm taking it very slow with the new girl, and I like it that way. As much as she knows about my back story, I know she's cautiously feeling me out, to see if I'm all cray cray like some of her previous dates. So far, she's decided I'm not cray cray, or I'm good at hiding it.

May 7, 2013

Tell your ex you have absolutely no interest in knowing ANY of the details of her personal time/schedule.

***you know she lies...but you don't need to tell her the obvious.

May 7, 2013

smoke, I'm sorry to say this, but this lady friend of yours, something is off. My guess is she isn't nearly as put together as you think she is. A emotionally healthy woman would not involve herself with you right now, it's just not smart and such high risk.

A wise woman would see the flashing caution light above your head, actually she would see a flashing red light right now.

Please, don't take this to heart. It's a theme in these 'ere parts...

You're transitioning and that is FINE. Sometimes we change inside before our external circumstances change, and sometimes it's the other way around.

Take it slow with the new lady. Very slow. But enjoy it

May 7, 2013

That's the term I'm looking for, irritating.

Her emails and texts are incredibly irritating because they set me back when I get them.

As for my Mum going to pick up the stuff, my Aunt is also going to help her, and she's a tough old bird so I believe they will do fine.

It was funny, at least to me, that when I told my STBXW that my Mum and Aunt were coming at 4-4:30pm rather than 3:30pm, she sent me a message and said:

"Oh that's ok, I'm busy with tutoring anyway, and then after I'm going out with my friend Trish for girls time."

Yea that's great. Good for you, a simple that's fine, or no, that's not fine would have sufficed.

Things like that bother me, we're not together anymore, so I've no interest in your daily functions.

I'm taking it very slow with the new girl, and I like it that way. As much as she knows about my back story, I know she's cautiously feeling me out, to see if I'm all cray cray like some of her previous dates. So far, she's decided I'm not cray cray, or I'm good at hiding it.

Interesting, regarding your stbx, that the minute they no longer have power over you, how much they still wish they did? No?

Going out with her girlfriend to make you jealous? And your not. Good for you.

When is the deadline for equity and title transfer of the home?

May 7, 2013

That's the term I'm looking for, irritating.

Her emails and texts are incredibly irritating because they set me back when I get them.

As for my Mum going to pick up the stuff, my Aunt is also going to help her, and she's a tough old bird so I believe they will do fine.

It was funny, at least to me, that when I told my STBXW that my Mum and Aunt were coming at 4-4:30pm rather than 3:30pm, she sent me a message and said:

"Oh that's ok, I'm busy with tutoring anyway, and then after I'm going out with my friend Trish for girls time."

Yea that's great. Good for you, a simple that's fine, or no, that's not fine would have sufficed.

Things like that bother me, we're not together anymore, so I've no interest in your daily functions.

I'm taking it very slow with the new girl, and I like it that way. As much as she knows about my back story, I know she's cautiously feeling me out, to see if I'm all cray cray like some of her previous dates. So far, she's decided I'm not cray cray, or I'm good at hiding it.

Your ex wants you to be friendly back because that will help her feel like what she did was 't so bad after all. "Look, see, he's gotten over it. We're still friends. It all worked out for the best."

I don't respond to anything I don't have to. She can alleviate her guilt via her therapist. Rest assured, she'll probably stay crazy. My ex sends stuff at least once a week that makes me shake my head and think, WTF? Given time, you'll just move on with your day. She doesn't deserve my headspace anymore and nor does your STBX. Do what you have to thru the end of the divorce proceedings and then detach thoroughly. You have a new life to live.

May 7, 2013

I try and keep my replies to the STBXW, simple one word answers:

yes

no

thanks

sure

or if I'm feeling chipper that day

sounds good

Beyond that, no contact. She's asked a few times how my career is going, or if I'm moved to a different house/hall. But she hasn't gotten a reply on any of those, not her business anymore how my fire career is going.

She's also off my insurance now, as well as my benefits and my 'first to contact' form. So if the unthinkable happens, she wont be getting 'that call'. Although I can almost guarantee that someone from the hall will call her on their own time, to break the news to her.

It is probably best that she isn't at the house when my Mum and Aunt show up though. Before I moved out, but during the process, my Aunt came over to help me move a few things, and while I was loading a truck she cornered my STBXW up in the computer room and laid into her for a good 10 minutes.

When I finally shoo'ed her downstairs my STBXW was ghost white and shaking. So I figure my Aunt may have threatened to throw her into a paper shredder or something.

It's sad, as I wouldn't mind having coffee one day with the STBXW and just going over our history, but when I think of all the lies, gaslighting, blame shifting, guilt laid on my shoulders, and general disregard for my well being, it just burns my bottom.

May 7, 2013

Well, the equity thing is a funny circumstance to be honest.

Because the separation is amicable (mainly because there is no Judge in Canada, that given all the evidence I have against her, would listen to anything she would have to say), I've been given one Equity payment for half the house, and the other half when the bank clears her to take over the mortgage.

Here's the issue.

She applied solo, and was turned down due to her lack of work. Since due to her health, she can only work on average 2-3 days a week, no bank is going to touch her with a 10ft pole. So now, her father is going to co-sign for her, and take on the responsibility of her payments if she defaults.

But that process takes time, so I've been waiting since the beginning of March for my second payment. And her mother has filled her head with thoughts that I'm not due my second payment until she knows.

Keep in mind, my name is still on the property and house. I am well within my power to pull a Breaking Bad and just walk right back in there. Although I wont, because I know her mother (and her) wouldn't hesitate to send me off to jail.

Soon as we sign the divorce papers (3 weeks, maybe 4), and I get my second equity payment, I'm free and clear.

3-4 months from that date, I'll be officially divorced.

May 7, 2013

I'm not sure I'll go that far, as to involve Lawyers, as they cost money and I like as much of my money in my pocket as possible haha. That's why with the divorce we just went through a Paralegal as they are much more affordable.

As much as I may vent it, my bark is worse than my bite when it comes to my STBXW. Despite what she's done, I wish her no ill will, harm or anything else with nasty, pointy fangs.

I just want this over and done with, so I don't have to wake up in the morning (or during one of my sleep shifts at the hall), thinking I got a message from the new girl and it ends up being the Ex. That's such a downer.

I figure when we meet up to sign the divorce papers, at the end of it, I'll give her a hug, say thank you for the good times we did have, and that this is goodbye. Wish her a healthy and happy life, all the best it has to offer. And then walk away.

After such, she'll have no reason whatsoever to text, call or email me. And I'm looking forward to that.

May 7, 2013

I do what makes me feel good, but not at the expense of other people.

Things with the new lady are going very, very slow. We're both making observations about each other during our meetings, and like I said, things are going well.

We're not having intimate 'dates', just coffee meet and greets, and the occasional game of Mini-Putt so she can mock my lack of skill at the game. (seriously, no skill whatsoever when it comes to Mini-Putt, I think my average stroke is 8-9, if that's what they call it).

But I'll say this, having her company makes me happy. It's refreshing, and I make her laugh constantly. She's not taken back by my forward and sometimes, inappropriate humour and doesn't make me feel guilty for it. I've been living in the dark for 3 years, and I'm willing to grab at some happiness when it comes my way.

May 7, 2013

I shall heed the warnings of the wise on LS.

A snails pace works for me, although I do enjoy her company and when I get a text from her it makes me smile.

On the flip side, the text I just received from my Ex, detailing her evening plans with her friend Trish, annoy me to no end. I simply messaged her to let her know my Mum and Aunt, will be earlier than expected just so she had a heads up in the event her plans changed.

Somehow, that translated into 'let's tell my ex-husband about my evening plans'. Odd woman.

May 7, 2013

You can tell her to stop telling you personal plans = that you don't care what she does now - as she's no longer your wife or your concern.

That ought to make it clear for her.

May 7, 2013

It's also a theme in these 'ere parts for fow who aren't remorseful to tell posters to do whatever makes them feel good without regard for the poster.

My post was made very much 'with regard for the poster', so not really sure what the point of your post actually was!

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