Author aMguilts Posted July 4, 2013 Author Posted July 4, 2013 Look at your avatar. Realise this: if it hasn't found you yet - it's because you keep evading it and hiding from it. This is you deliberately limiting your won progress..... tara, i`m not i can`t DO more than i can possibly do
Author aMguilts Posted July 4, 2013 Author Posted July 4, 2013 i really cant do anymore than i am doing god knows what mess i`d be in without my meds! aM
TaraMaiden Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 That's the problem. You're 'doing' too much. What you need to do is to release, accept, let go and let be.
Yasuandio Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 If you can try to disappear your "expectations," then you won't get disappointed when they are not met. Cheer up, Yas 1
Author aMguilts Posted July 4, 2013 Author Posted July 4, 2013 i have let go ages ago i expect nothing a part of me is telling me thou, that THAT is not right small scale but it builds like a upsidedown pyramid sooner or later well , like right now it`ll collapse and it has even with no expectations i know it cant go on forever aM
Techie Artist Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 t when we slept together she even said to me i hope you don`t think that we are getting back together Well, at least you know you're a good lay. :bunny:
Author aMguilts Posted July 4, 2013 Author Posted July 4, 2013 If you can try to disappear your "expectations," then you won't get disappointed when they are not met. Cheer up, Yas i`m giving it my all yas aM
Author aMguilts Posted July 4, 2013 Author Posted July 4, 2013 Well, at least you know you're a good lay. :bunny: haha yeah thats 1 thing shame my head is so ***ced or else i`d be perfect! aM
Author aMguilts Posted July 4, 2013 Author Posted July 4, 2013 That's the problem. You're 'doing' too much. What you need to do is to release, accept, let go and let be. tara your right even with no expectations i am still `expecting` something to happen aM
TaraMaiden Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 If I told you, you wouldn't do it anyway (hint.... Signature....). So you'll have to figure a solution out for yourself. because nobody can do it for you. but one things' for sure: What you're doing now, isn't working. And continually doing it, expecting a result, is what insanity is all about.... 1
Yasuandio Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 (edited) "I'm giving it my all yas" "sooner or later well , like right now it 'll collapse and it has even with no expectations I know it cant go on forever" "and it's tearing me apart" so what do i do? aM Leave "IT" be. Expectations formed in your mind are the IT that is bugging you. Some people call this chemical hallucinatory desire love - and when the IT (the target of out affections - i.e., your wife or ex-wife) and the IT's behaviors do not conform to the expectations of the IT we have designed in our mind (which is normal - as we tend to idealize the people we chemically fall in love with), then there is a disconnect. That is frustrating, and can cause people to do crazy, crazy things! (See popular culture TV show citation below). So, what do you do about IT? Knowledge is key. There is a logical explanation that I just provided to you. I propose that without expectations of the IT, the IT cannot rule your mind. That is the premise I have been operating with and it is working really well for me. What this means is, that you must stop wanting the IT. If you stop want the IT, there is no expectation you can have from the IT, therefore, the IT cannot dissapoint you. [As such -- I think you can agree you do not need the IT to live, correct? You were alive and functioning before you ever met IT. Removing the IT from your mental equasion is math, subtraction, plain and simple when you desolve and resolve IT]. I have posted about the addictive qualities of the IT in an earlier post - I think I might have compared the IT to smoking or intervenious drug addiction. If a herion addict continues to put a needle of heroin in their arm, I will they stop their love for herion? If you continue to stimulate your brain's "love" endorphin chemicals by having sex and other contacts with your wife - how do you think you will get past the IT factor? The aformentioned is exactly why the No Contact method is so effective. When you cease contact with the IT, the memories and stimuli to your brain chemicals fade -- it is that simple. No contact makes it much easier to stop having expectations - which you indeed have to have if you are human. But the more distance you put between you and the IT, the less information your brain has to invent expectations. If you "put the petal to the metal," so to speak, and become extremely deliberate and motivated in getting the person out of your head, the IT factor will be history. Techniques I am using: 1. NO CONTACT - ABSOLUTELY NONE. (With kids, use a thrird party.) 2. Stop Wanting. (Homer) 3. Mindfulness ("Letting Go" - when thoughts enter my head) 4. GAL (Getting a Life) 5. The List (Short bullet points on my phone list that highlight moments/events in marriage that make me cringe - humilation, embarrassment, physical assault, abandonment, horrific verbal assault, etc.). Note: Brain chemicals can override these bad things - so one needs to always have a little review once in a while if the IT factor comes up. 6. Owning the Reality of the IT's Character (this may or may not be relevant to you. - Here, you might insert instead, Owning the Reality of Why You Cannot Be Together). Of course, Homer, Homer, & Homer. I hope these thoughts can provide some direction. Yas PS I'm not saying it is easy. And there will be relapses. As the IT may try to yank your chain when you stop contact for real - somehow, I think they feel something in the Universe when you are really serious about eliminating them from your system. I'd like to know Tara's take on that! Anyway -- that has recently happened to me (I saw him do a drive-by while my new couch was being delivered). IT kind of psyched me out, because I have some paranoia, but I recovered. Citation: There was a good TV show on about this concept that inspired me for this post. The show is called "Perception" Season 2, Episode 2: "Alienation." The manic professor guy discusses all the "brain love chemical" business in detail. I always learn a lot from that show. Edited July 4, 2013 by Yasuandio 2
trippi1432 Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 (edited) aM - have you ever jumped out of perfectly good airplane just for the hell of it? When you are free-falling, you can't take the weight of baggage with you..you will hit the ground way too fast and not survive. Now the person jumping with you would prefer you left the baggage on the plane, doesn't always happen. Thud!! In mid jump..you can let go of some baggage...so when you hit the ground, it's on your feet...but you never forget where you came from or the challenges. You don't get there until you really heal...can't not have expectations if you are lying to yourself. ^^^^^^^^^^^^ Let me rephrase...you had "Hope"...those are expectations. Edited July 5, 2013 by trippi1432 1
TaraMaiden Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 aM, basically, what you're being told is that what you're doing isn't working. Change what you're doing - completely. The 180. Cut off all and every contact with your ex. All of it. No exception. Stop. Leave. Desist. Break it off 100% Got it? No whingeing, no whining, no protest, no argument, no contradiction. Just do it. 2
Steadfast Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 A long time (ex) poster here did all of the NC stuff; physically eliminating the ex from their life. Yet, on occasion this person would revive the "Why?" questions and mix in hearty dose of "No one will ever love me again" pity. In a series of PMs I asked why not let go completely? Why spool up the emotional merry-go-round every once in awhile for no apparent reason? In the end, this person admitted "that" was all that remained from their relationship; the memories, and the effect it had on them. Giving "that" up would be like the person never existed. The years gone, blanked out. I suspect we all keep a part, no? Even after becoming indifferent? If deep down you're afraid of forgetting her aM, don't be. Like it or not we all live under the same rules of nature. In this way yes; we're only human. 1
Author aMguilts Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 (edited) If I told you, you wouldn't do it anyway (hint.... Signature....). So you'll have to figure a solution out for yourself. because nobody can do it for you. but one things' for sure: What you're doing now, isn't working. And continually doing it, expecting a result, is what insanity is all about.... my sig has nothing to do with my situation that i`m in then again maybe it has everything to do with it , but i hope not i`m not outwardly looking to be with her to be happy its an inward thing that i have to resolve with or without her being with or without her will not change the way i feel she makes me no more happy than sad it`s my state of mind aM Edited July 7, 2013 by aMguilts
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