aMguilts Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 and how do i even start this thread!! a lot of you know me, you know my moods..... the way i reply, interact etc anyway. i`m doing ok .. i`m headstrong, i`m probably the best i`ve ever been in my life here`s the problem we`re separated, living apart , have been for over a year and a half now.. but we still cant live without each other its really SO hard to explain in words in my mind, i KNOW ,there will never be anyone that i will love as much as her i KNOW it i caused a lot of things to MAKE her pull away from me but she still is hanging on We really cant live with or without each other!! like i said..it`s hard to put into words 6 months ago she wanted a divorce (this has been on and off since we searated) 2 nights ago she`s sleeping with me again...on and off i said something to her about a month ago and she has been different ever since but in a good way i`m just venting aM
tojaz Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 and how do i even start this thread!! a lot of you know me, you know my moods..... the way i reply, interact etc anyway. i`m doing ok .. i`m headstrong, i`m probably the best i`ve ever been in my life here`s the problem we`re separated, living apart , have been for over a year and a half now.. but we still cant live without each other its really SO hard to explain in words in my mind, i KNOW ,there will never be anyone that i will love as much as her i KNOW it i caused a lot of things to MAKE her pull away from me but she still is hanging on We really cant live with or without each other!! like i said..it`s hard to put into words 6 months ago she wanted a divorce (this has been on and off since we searated) 2 nights ago she`s sleeping with me again...on and off i said something to her about a month ago and she has been different ever since but in a good way i`m just venting aM aM yeah I know your moods etc as they have been here on LS at least. There has been a definite change though, it seems like you have learned a new trick or two... in a good way and i would imagine that dynamic translates to places other then an internet forum. So in reading what you have vented here, are you considering giving it another go? TOJAZ
Mr. Lucky Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 6 months ago she wanted a divorce (this has been on and off since we searated) 2 nights ago she`s sleeping with me again...on and off Why not just accept that your marriage, however unconventional, works in its current iteration for the two of you? Let go of the labels - married? separated? together? apart? - and, with no expectations, see what happens. Sometimes we get the best results when we try the least... Mr. Lucky 4
Gunny376 Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 I am reminded of a show on the Andy Griffith show in which Andy and Barney attempt to get a feuding married couple to act cordial and civil toward one another? Only to discover that this couple is actually happy and functional when they're un-civil and un-cordial toward one another and a cussing and a fussing? I've know many couples that just couldn't be married, but later reconciled and lived together and got along just fine as wine. They just couldn't do the married thing for what-ever-reason? I know of couple ~ married ~ he has his place ~ she has hers! Side-by-side one another? They get together, do things, go places etc just like any other married couple? They just can't live under the same roof day in and day out? I know of another married couple, where the wife is bisexual. He and her are seriously married and have been for a long, long time. But her "best girl friend? (Also married to another man?) ~ is her "Girl Friend" ~ if you catch my drift. Who's to say what works or what is suppose to work? None of the above would work well for me? I've never been good at sharing certain things with others? I'm not advocating an open marriage, wife swapping, or swinging or really anything of a sexual nature. What I am advocating is for the two of you to re-define yourselves and your relationship to what best suits the two of you ~ and not confined to the definition of what a marriage is based upon the traditional social, cultural, religious norms? My Mom has been with the same monogamous, exclusive relationship with the same guy for the last twenty plus years. He's got his place, she's got hers. They get together go out to eat, do this and that together, etc (Especially fishing ~ they really enjoy that!) But, when she wants her space and time alone? She tells him, "Go HOME!" And he does, and he's alright with that and so is she! Hey it works for them? She still speaks to my former "step-father" almost everyday. I know a guy a work who's been married three times. Not only does he still have a relationship with each one of them and talks to them each one on almost a daily basis? They're (The three ex-wives) are all best of friends and go out shopping, eating out, and doing things together, (And Steve 'suspects" talk about him!) There's two other guys where I work. Ronnie use to be married to Albert's wife. Albert's wife has some kind of personality disorder for which she draws an SSI crazy check for. Ronnie got down on his luck and needed a place to stay. He moved in with Albert and his wife ~ (Ronnie's x-wife). There's nothing sexual going on. Ronnie and Albert are best friends, ride to work together. Albert keeps trying to talk Ronnie into taking the XHEX back, and off of his hands. The current agreement is that which ever one moves out first ~ has to take the wife with them! What I'm advocating is for you and the wife to re-define your "new norm" and what is normal and works for you. I would caution against having an 'open-marriage' or a swinger lifestyle though. Whenever I've witnessed such its always turned into an unmitigated disaster for all parties concerned. You see and hear people (especially on the Internet) tauting that its "GREAT!" Yea right! In your eye there Pal! 1
Author aMguilts Posted May 7, 2013 Author Posted May 7, 2013 aM yeah I know your moods etc as they have been here on LS at least. There has been a definite change though, it seems like you have learned a new trick or two... in a good way and i would imagine that dynamic translates to places other then an internet forum. So in reading what you have vented here, are you considering giving it another go? TOJAZ ty tojaz no i`m not took me a hell of a lot of effort and time to get to where i am now and tears i refuse to go back to the way i was and the way i dealt with it all ever again. she will always be in my heart forever and i know from what she has told me, that i am in hers. she took me out for lunch, and she said to me, right out the blue i love you and i always will i just looked at her and smiled i`m not looking to get back with her thank you for replying aM
Author aMguilts Posted May 7, 2013 Author Posted May 7, 2013 Why not just accept that your marriage, however unconventional, works in its current iteration for the two of you? Let go of the labels - married? separated? together? apart? - and, with no expectations, see what happens. Sometimes we get the best results when we try the least... Mr. Lucky ty Lucky you are so right i have let go of the labels that i used to put on my situation when i see her i don`t see her as my wife when we slept together she even said to me i hope you don`t think that we are getting back together i said no, and i dont it`s taken a LOT of effort in my head to get to where i am now and to be honest i am proud of myself the hurt i felt before is no longer there the places we went when i was with her i can now pass and smile whereas before i`d feel sick just thinking of them i have NO expectations at all Sometimes we get the best results when we try the least... this is sooooo true ty for replying aM
Author aMguilts Posted May 7, 2013 Author Posted May 7, 2013 I am reminded of a show on the Andy Griffith show in which Andy and Barney attempt to get a feuding married couple to act cordial and civil toward one another? Only to discover that this couple is actually happy and functional when they're un-civil and un-cordial toward one another and a cussing and a fussing? I've know many couples that just couldn't be married, but later reconciled and lived together and got along just fine as wine. They just couldn't do the married thing for what-ever-reason? I know of couple ~ married ~ he has his place ~ she has hers! Side-by-side one another? They get together, do things, go places etc just like any other married couple? They just can't live under the same roof day in and day out? I know of another married couple, where the wife is bisexual. He and her are seriously married and have been for a long, long time. But her "best girl friend? (Also married to another man?) ~ is her "Girl Friend" ~ if you catch my drift. Who's to say what works or what is suppose to work? None of the above would work well for me? I've never been good at sharing certain things with others? I'm not advocating an open marriage, wife swapping, or swinging or really anything of a sexual nature. What I am advocating is for the two of you to re-define yourselves and your relationship to what best suits the two of you ~ and not confined to the definition of what a marriage is based upon the traditional social, cultural, religious norms? My Mom has been with the same monogamous, exclusive relationship with the same guy for the last twenty plus years. He's got his place, she's got hers. They get together go out to eat, do this and that together, etc (Especially fishing ~ they really enjoy that!) But, when she wants her space and time alone? She tells him, "Go HOME!" And he does, and he's alright with that and so is she! Hey it works for them? She still speaks to my former "step-father" almost everyday. I know a guy a work who's been married three times. Not only does he still have a relationship with each one of them and talks to them each one on almost a daily basis? They're (The three ex-wives) are all best of friends and go out shopping, eating out, and doing things together, (And Steve 'suspects" talk about him!) There's two other guys where I work. Ronnie use to be married to Albert's wife. Albert's wife has some kind of personality disorder for which she draws an SSI crazy check for. Ronnie got down on his luck and needed a place to stay. He moved in with Albert and his wife ~ (Ronnie's x-wife). There's nothing sexual going on. Ronnie and Albert are best friends, ride to work together. Albert keeps trying to talk Ronnie into taking the XHEX back, and off of his hands. The current agreement is that which ever one moves out first ~ has to take the wife with them! What I'm advocating is for you and the wife to re-define your "new norm" and what is normal and works for you. I would caution against having an 'open-marriage' or a swinger lifestyle though. Whenever I've witnessed such its always turned into an unmitigated disaster for all parties concerned. You see and hear people (especially on the Internet) tauting that its "GREAT!" Yea right! In your eye there Pal! ty gunny i will never have an `open` marriage, separation ever 1 thing that `used` to bug me in the past was the fact that 1 day she will find someone else She is a looker she turns heads everywhere she goes but she is just not interested in that she is always telling guys to f off! when i met her, she`d been on her own for 6 years it`s funny, but shes always asking me if i have someone or if i`ve slept with anyone since we `split` i love her to death and always will and you know what? she will me we just cant live together or be together as husband and wife ty for replying aM
Author aMguilts Posted May 13, 2013 Author Posted May 13, 2013 part of me thinks that it`s not good that i am carrying on the way i am... the part of me that has got me this far i`m NOT holding on to anything As far as i am concerned, my marriage IS over and i`ve accepted that. aM
Author aMguilts Posted May 18, 2013 Author Posted May 18, 2013 (edited) and the part of me that thinks it`s NOT good carrying on the way it is... is winning she still wants to divorce... and i`m ok with that i really am back of my mind is screaming out to me , to not have anything to do with her again? i`d like to think that we`d , errrr, not we, me... that i`d like to think that we`d still be friends after all this but day after day i`m thinking thats not going to happen and this is from my prospective , not hers, ours. this is not helping me at all even though i`m not hanging on to any hope of reconcilliation sleeping with her is not helping me i know this , its a fact i need to cut ALL ties with her no texting, calling, and esp no sleeping with her the thought has been on my mind of moving closer to where i work and even a vauge thought of finding another job in a dfifferent area and moving away from everything ( friends and familly) and to just start ALL over again. and i am really thinking about moving away nothing is stopping me.... but when i read what i just said i`m turning into my sister and thats one thing i never wanted to do guess it`s destiny? fate? for now i`m still headstrong and thats a million miles away from where i used to be thoughts from anyone? aM Edited May 18, 2013 by aMguilts
Yasuandio Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 (edited) I have begun to figure out that looking for stuff that is wrong with me has not been at all productive. Here is another thing I figured out recently. If I had had no expectations, then I could not have ever been abandoned, that is, to be abandoned - you must have expectations (I got that quote from the TV show called Hannibel). This perspective is defineently Homer-esk. Applied to your situation -- if you have no expectations, then you won't be upset (or whatever it is your feeling from the non-MO marriage in which you seem to be a willing participant). You know, Homer would say, "enjoy the status quo." No complaining, no pity parties, no arguing, avoid disatisfaction. Stop thinking so much, and working so hard to find and fix problems - leave it alone and enjoy life, enjoy others. Especially enjoy your woman (with or without a legal divorce). If she emotionally divorces you, enjoy her body if she is willing to give it to you. When only her body is available to you, think of it as gravy on the potatoes instead of A1 Sauce on the steak (Yas came up with that). Stop wanting, appreciate what you have. Apply wisdom, try to see what is the good in any failure, disappointment, or loss. I know it is easier said than done. However, I think many people would agree that Homer is right on target with at least these points. You have studied the extensive free material on-line, and perhaps have read Homer's book, too. The trick is to keep reading it like the Bible, over and over again. Yas Edited May 19, 2013 by Yasuandio
Author aMguilts Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 I have begun to figure out that looking for stuff that is wrong with me has not been at all productive. Here is another thing I figured out recently. If I had had no expectations, then I could not have ever been abandoned, that is, to be abandoned - you must have expectations (I got that quote from the TV show called Hannibel). This perspective is defineently Homer-esk. Applied to your situation -- if you have no expectations, then you won't be upset (or whatever it is your feeling from the non-MO marriage in which you seem to be a willing participant). You know, Homer would say, "enjoy the status quo." No complaining, no pity parties, no arguing, avoid disatisfaction. Stop thinking so much, and working so hard to find and fix problems - leave it alone and enjoy life, enjoy others. Especially enjoy your woman (with or without a legal divorce). If she emotionally divorces you, enjoy her body if she is willing to give it to you. When only her body is available to you, think of it as gravy on the potatoes instead of A1 Sauce on the steak (Yas came up with that). Stop wanting, appreciate what you have. Apply wisdom, try to see what is the good in any failure, disappointment, or loss. I know it is easier said than done. However, I think many people would agree that Homer is right on target with at least these points. You have studied the extensive free material on-line, and perhaps have read Homer's book, too. The trick is to keep reading it like the Bible, over and over again. Yas yas!!! where you been? i have missed you i know what you are saying i`m not `upset` at all i`m errr i wanna say `indifferent`.... but even that suggests a `feeling` towards something that i dont feel?... make sense? Ambivalence...errrrr...ah crap!!! :...errr....maybe not that..... but maybe yes.... but in the positive view of that emotion if there is 1? i`ve stopped the `needing` ages ago know what really scares me? i can no longer see the `want` too many trees to see the forest i guess thanks for replying yas aM 1
Author aMguilts Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 in ANY given situation you can either fight for it or not fight for it raise or fold? either way, believe in it:) aM 1
Yasuandio Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 yas!!! where you been? i have missed you i know what you are saying i`m not `upset` at all i`m errr i wanna say `indifferent`.... but even that suggests a `feeling` towards something that i dont feel?... make sense? Ambivalence...errrrr...ah crap!!! :...errr....maybe not that..... but maybe yes.... but in the positive view of that emotion if there is 1? i`ve stopped the `needing` ages ago know what really scares me? i can no longer see the `want` too many trees to see the forest i guess thanks for replying yas aM Thank you aM, for noticing my absence. I have busy been re-reading and re-reading Homer and incessantly practicing his "Shut Up, Shut-Up, Shut-Up" technique. And I think I am finially making progress with my obsessive compulsive thought processes. You do sound somewhat better. I have missed you also. Yas You are sounding much better.
Author aMguilts Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 Thank you aM, for noticing my absence. I have busy been re-reading and re-reading Homer and incessantly practicing his "Shut Up, Shut-Up, Shut-Up" technique. And I think I am finially making progress with my obsessive compulsive thought processes. You do sound somewhat better. I have missed you also. Yas You are sounding much better. yas yeah i am a lot better than i was before best thing i done was to stop looking at the bottom of a glass:rolleyes: everything else is going tits up in my life at the same time work is getting really bad, money just goes...but yeah i am doing a lot better than i was i have a lot better `mindset` and your right i`m not looking for any expectations like i was before and because of that she is the one that comes on to me all the time she still wants a divorce like before and now i just say ok, file when you are ready good old homer aM
Author aMguilts Posted June 15, 2013 Author Posted June 15, 2013 i wish i had the strength right now to believe in even my own posts! i`m headstrong and lost at the same time i guess i am kidding myself yeah it`s nice to sleep with her and when we are together it`s like we never parted. my relationship with my wife is SO hard to explain in words i said i wasn`t hanging on? but i am Every time we sleep together, I am doing just that By doing what i`m doing , i am `hanging on` I`m not moving forward it`s stagnant she told me the other day , `i love you so much ` , looking into my eyes as she said it and as she said it , i couldn`t say it back even though i do with all my heart and i always will, i couldn`t say it. i dont know what to do anymore i give advice on here like i know what i`m on about do this do that, don`t do this don`t do that those of you that know me , can remember what i was i like before now i`m on stronger anti deps and while they are helping they just `fog` out reality i feel another crash coming on i`m sooo tired i just don`t know what to do anymore it`s starting to `bore` me the way i am aM
macy Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 Sorry to intrude on the discussion. I'm curious, are you talking about the Greek poet/author Homer?
macy Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 I have begun to figure out that looking for stuff that is wrong with me has not been at all productive. Here is another thing I figured out recently. If I had had no expectations, then I could not have ever been abandoned, that is, to be abandoned - you must have expectations (I got that quote from the TV show called Hannibel). This perspective is defineently Homer-esk. Applied to your situation -- if you have no expectations, then you won't be upset (or whatever it is your feeling from the non-MO marriage in which you seem to be a willing participant). You know, Homer would say, "enjoy the status quo." No complaining, no pity parties, no arguing, avoid disatisfaction. Stop thinking so much, and working so hard to find and fix problems - leave it alone and enjoy life, enjoy others. Especially enjoy your woman (with or without a legal divorce). If she emotionally divorces you, enjoy her body if she is willing to give it to you. When only her body is available to you, think of it as gravy on the potatoes instead of A1 Sauce on the steak (Yas came up with that). Stop wanting, appreciate what you have. Apply wisdom, try to see what is the good in any failure, disappointment, or loss. I know it is easier said than done. However, I think many people would agree that Homer is right on target with at least these points. You have studied the extensive free material on-line, and perhaps have read Homer's book, too. The trick is to keep reading it like the Bible, over and over again. Yas Are you reading Homer, the Greek poet? I posted below but I'm kinda new I guess I should've done it this way. Sorry. I'm an avid reader but haven't read Homer yet.
Author aMguilts Posted June 15, 2013 Author Posted June 15, 2013 Sorry to intrude on the discussion. I'm curious, are you talking about the Greek poet/author Homer? hi macy no It`s a guy called Homer Mc donald yas told me about him and it makes a lot of sense about what he says a HELL of a lot of sense and has helped me so much with my marriage It`s a shame he cant sort my `mind` out at the same time and i`d be `goooooood` but i can see what you mean, when yas 1st told me about him, i thought the same thing you are aM
Author aMguilts Posted June 15, 2013 Author Posted June 15, 2013 (I was thinking 'Simpsons' more, myself.....) maybe i should of posted this in the `kill me whilst i`m down section`? glad my life is just one big laugh for you tara aM
Yasuandio Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 It is not unlike withdrawal from the worst additive drug. Smoking is a good example. If you do not stay NO CONTACT, you will be right back on the ciggarette. Doesn't matter if you quit for 20 years. In this case, the woman is the needle in your arm. If it is a relationship that will not suceed -and is doomed, why does it keep going on? Why not just enjoy it? Why deny yourself? Accept it for what it is, take it as it comes to you, have no expectation, and when it comes into your hand, let her pleasure you, and enhance your life. Now, if you find the encounter unpleasant, then stay away. Are you coughing up blood from the ciggarettes? That would be an indication that you need to NOT SMOKE. Therefore, in my own "manic speak," keep sticking the needle unless she forces you to rob a bank to pay for it. Looks good. You have the stuff from her men seem to like, don't you? What is wrong? Other expectations? OK. What expectations do you have that are not being fulfilled? Ask if she will fill the needs/expectations, and if she will agree, give her a reasonable period of time. If not, then you must forget them. Without expectations, you cannot get disappointed. If you continue with her, knowing you want these expectations that are unavailable, you are cutting your own throat. Another option, Homer-speak, Stop wanting her. You know the drill. If she screws with your mind, then there is only ONE WAY to solve your problem. No Contact. If YOU continue to break No Contact when you know she screws your mind, then you are screwing your own mind. It is as simple as that. Everytime you break no contact, you go back to square one, honey. More depression, confusion, and I promise you - the future holds an equally increasing amount of anger for you to deal with later. Try to drop the rope. Yas
macy Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 hi macy no It`s a guy called Homer Mc donald yas told me about him and it makes a lot of sense about what he says a HELL of a lot of sense and has helped me so much with my marriage It`s a shame he cant sort my `mind` out at the same time and i`d be `goooooood` but i can see what you mean, when yas 1st told me about him, i thought the same thing you are aM Ha. I thought... Wow that's pretty heavy reading! I'll have to look up Homer McDonald. I'm always looking for a good read.
Author aMguilts Posted July 4, 2013 Author Posted July 4, 2013 It is not unlike withdrawal from the worst additive drug. Smoking is a good example. If you do not stay NO CONTACT, you will be right back on the ciggarette. Doesn't matter if you quit for 20 years. In this case, the woman is the needle in your arm. If it is a relationship that will not suceed -and is doomed, why does it keep going on? Why not just enjoy it? Why deny yourself? Accept it for what it is, take it as it comes to you, have no expectation, and when it comes into your hand, let her pleasure you, and enhance your life. Now, if you find the encounter unpleasant, then stay away. Are you coughing up blood from the ciggarettes? That would be an indication that you need to NOT SMOKE. Therefore, in my own "manic speak," keep sticking the needle unless she forces you to rob a bank to pay for it. Looks good. You have the stuff from her men seem to like, don't you? What is wrong? Other expectations? OK. What expectations do you have that are not being fulfilled? Ask if she will fill the needs/expectations, and if she will agree, give her a reasonable period of time. If not, then you must forget them. Without expectations, you cannot get disappointed. If you continue with her, knowing you want these expectations that are unavailable, you are cutting your own throat. Another option, Homer-speak, Stop wanting her. You know the drill. If she screws with your mind, then there is only ONE WAY to solve your problem. No Contact. If YOU continue to break No Contact when you know she screws your mind, then you are screwing your own mind. It is as simple as that. Everytime you break no contact, you go back to square one, honey. More depression, confusion, and I promise you - the future holds an equally increasing amount of anger for you to deal with later. Try to drop the rope. Yas i know yas and i`m trying so fu**ing hard to keep on top of everything we`ve had some really great days together when we can and i never push or ask anything from her yeah it`s ok to just on like this? expecting nothing and getting whatever i get in return i kind of feel `shallow` in doing that i kind of feel like i`m just kidding myself? i see what you say go with the flow and just enjoy it maybe i AM `expecting ` something more fuc*ing dont know what to think or do or say anymore and thats not me aM
TaraMaiden Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 Look at your avatar. Realise this: if it hasn't found you yet - it's because you keep evading it and hiding from it. This is you deliberately limiting your won progress.....
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