mm4184 Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 So, I've been seeing a guy since February who I assume has a girlfriend but I have no proof and he swears there's no one else. I feel like EVERYTHING points to there being someone else- doesn't call when he gets home sometimes, we never sleep over each other's place, was flaky in the beginning, always has some excuse as to why we don't hang out as much as I want. But then when we're together, everything is fine. I think I need to go back to a therapist because I know part of it is my own insecurities with myself. He came to my hometown to meet my parents and friends but the whole time I was overanalyzing everything between us. Oh, and the fact that we had sex ONCE for the 3 days we're on vacation. But he tells me he wouldn't fly across the country to meet those closest to me if he wasn't interested, etc. His reasoning for "taking things slow" is that he's been cheated on in the past (his ex- who I think is the girl he's still with, cheated on him with a basketball player for awhile but he stuck around because he loved her) and wants to take his time jumping into anything. The one time I visited his apartment he had no evidence of girl clothes or shoes but there was herbal essences in the bathroom that he says is his brother's and some purple decorations that guys wouldn't usually have. I've given him the OUT and told him if he wants something casual than just be honest but he says that he sees so many girlfriend qualities in me and does want to continue how it's going and eventually wants a relationship but that he's not ready right now. I just have so much anxiety when I haven't heard from him (like right now I haven't heard from him since last night) and I have all these negative thoughts about another woman. Just really don't know what to do... I know I should focus on myself and making myself happy but I fell hard and now I feel like I'm stuck. I can't leave him just yet but I also don't want to feel like this. I can only keep busy for so long before I get back to my negative thoughts. There's so much more to our story but basically, I want him, he acts like he wants me, but it's not getting anywhere. Don't know how to proceed anymore.
georgia girl Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 Okay, take a deep, calm breath. I don't think from what you have posted that he has a girlfriend BUT I think you are in danger of scaring him off with your insecurities. You are just dating. Ratchet down the intensity a bit. Enjoy the now. If he is the right person and you can relax and be yourself, the later will happen. Take care and just chill. 1
Realist3 Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 Okay, take a deep, calm breath. I don't think from what you have posted that he has a girlfriend BUT I think you are in danger of scaring him off with your insecurities. You are just dating. Ratchet down the intensity a bit. Enjoy the now. If he is the right person and you can relax and be yourself, the later will happen. Take care and just chill. ^ Read this above. You have been together only two months.
Author mm4184 Posted May 7, 2013 Author Posted May 7, 2013 Okay, take a deep, calm breath. I don't think from what you have posted that he has a girlfriend BUT I think you are in danger of scaring him off with your insecurities. You are just dating. Ratchet down the intensity a bit. Enjoy the now. If he is the right person and you can relax and be yourself, the later will happen. Take care and just chill. Thank you for that. I hope he does not but honestly, I can't tell between my insecurities and my intuition but there's just things he does that points to someone else. He does not hang out on weekends- I know he's busy because he plays minor league baseball as well as has a M-F job. But if you're pursuing someone, I would expect him to try and spend more than a few hours a week time with me. He hardly ever hangs out after work (he works M-F 3-11pm) and if he does hang out, it's a few hours before he has to go into work. The only "dates" we've been on are things I've planned. And when he does hang out at night, his brother always comes along who likes my roommate. When I call, he hardly ever picks up and sometimes he'll text back right away so I just don't even bother, I let him be the one to contact me. One day he got the day off to watch a show with me but I saw that his work clothes were in his duffel bag and he was with me from 3-11 (his normal work hours) so why would he need his work clothes on his day off? Unless he did not tell the "other woman" he was off that day. When he visited me in my hometown, he was on his phone a lot. He has no Facebook or any social media yet I caught him taking pictures of himself which obviously weren't being sent to me. I know it sounds like I'm expecting a lot so early into it, but then he needs to not tell me things like he wants to let things flow but eventually wants a relationship with me. And that his parents think I'm beautiful and all that crap. Yes, I've met them in passing at work (we work in the same hospital). He'll tell me things like I let him be the person he is unlike his ex who made him change, etc. and how he feels so glad to have met me because he sees how generous and caring I am towards people and he has never met a girl who takes care of their man since he's used to women who expect him to be the sole provider. Just makes me overthink things. You want to take things slow, fine. But still act interested when we're NOT together and try to spend time to actually get to know me if that's the case! And if that's NOT the case, then just be honest and tell me you don't see things going anywhere. He's the type to be verbal about things so I don't know why it's so difficult. This is why I'm so frustrated!
whichwayisup Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 Stop waiting for him to end it or for you to find out if there IS someone else. It's obvious you do not fully trust him and are paying attention to all details and questioning everything. You end it. Chances are, he could still be involved with his ex on some level and that's why he's not putting all his focus on you. Men who are busy STILL make extra special time and effort. He isn't doing that.
georgia girl Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 I am an old, old lady who dated a lot. I learned to do it successfully by trial and error and I often think I could write a book about how to date... both the good and the bad parts. Since I haven't written a book, let an old lady instead share some advice with you. (And by the way, I'm married to the love of my life and I have genuinely everything I always dreamed of having.) So, here goes: 1) DON'T INVEST. As women, we get excited when we meet someone and there is this mutual attraction. We take everything and anything about that person which says, "HE'S THE ONE" in bolded, capital letters and we amplify the heck out of it. Then, anything that says he's not, we ignore. At that point, we make a dumb decision. We invest. We give them more of our time than they've asked for, more of our loyalties than they've earned, and a bigger share of our dreams for which they haven't yet proven they deserve a role in. Stop investing in this one man. It's two months. He cannot possibly be your everything yet, even if he will be your everything someday. When I met my husband, I claimed he was my Mr. Now. Not my Mr. Right or my Ms. Right Now. Just my Mr. Now. He had to EARN that place. 2) Chill. Intensity in dating is damaging. It allows you to overthink things. As women, we analyze. We talk to our girlfriends, we chew over every word he said and we focus on what he did and did not do. We beat the living stuffing out of a relationship. It's a miracle we ever get past "Go." Stop analyzing. Take things as they come. If he asks you out and you're free and you want to go, say yes and have fun. If he asks you out and you're not free, tell him honestly you have plans (the right guy will make plans with you when you ARE free); and if you don't want to go, politely and kindly say no. 3) Dispassionately, decide two things: how you will treat your partner and how your partner will treat you. (You should not be focusing on this guy when you decide these things. You should be focused on the concept: this is what I expect, this is what I will give.) As an example, my husband and I have a rule: Be Good, Be Happy and Be Kind. That's it. We are good to each other and do all of those things which are defined as being good to another human being (respectful, compassionate, honest, etc.). We must also each be happy. You can't be good without being happy. Enough said. Then finally, be kind. We both want a partner who is kind. 4) Don't test a partner. He'll prove himself to you by sheer force of his interest. Again, my example is my husband. When we started dating, we saw each other very casually - about once every two weeks. Then, it became once a week. Then, it was three or four times a week and nightly calls and morning texts. His interest drove the relationship. I didn't worry if he was interested or tested him to see if he would come around. I simply let him prove his interest to me. He found the chase enchanting; I found the rewards of his chase so heartwarming. 5) BE YOUR OWN PERSON. Have a life. Even to this day, I have an active life of my own. My husband and I are both athletes but we tend to do different events - I'm a runner and he's more of a triathlete these days. I've got friends, including guy friends, that I hang out with in my chosen professional subspecialty. He has friends including two best friends who are women in his chosen professional subspecialty. We're all friends together, but we do things individually all of the time. It's a natural part of us. When you get married, you lose some of that individuality (but certainly not all) and while dating you should really retain it. 6) Be confident. First, establish confidence in yourself. Then, if you date someone who shakes your confidence, lose him. Don't try to fix him or save the relationship. It ain't gonna work. Lose him. Move on. The right guy will never shake your confidence. 7) If he lets you down, let him go. No one gets to fail you. Now, if you have unrealistic expectations, everyone will fail you and you will wind up alone. So, set reasonable expectations. But then, make him prove it. If he shows up late, doesn't call when he says he will, isn't available to you, then cut him loose. Someone else will be so happy you did. 8) Enjoy the dating process. When I finally got it right - in my late 30's - I did enjoy dating so much. I met wonderful people and developed some great friends. Then I met two men in succession. One, I had to let go because he was a commitment phobe. The second guy, Mr. Now, I married. He's Mr. Right... now. 9) Don't overtrust "instincts." We call it women's intuition. But if you're on a hair trigger and overanalyzing everything, women's intuition can steer you wrong. I can't tell if this guy is playing you or if you are too intense, honestly. It doesn't seem like a good situation, though. Either way, something's badly off and you will have to fix it as a unit. Good luck.
Author mm4184 Posted May 10, 2013 Author Posted May 10, 2013 (edited) I am an old, old lady who dated a lot. I learned to do it successfully by trial and error and I often think I could write a book about how to date... both the good and the bad parts. Since I haven't written a book, let an old lady instead share some advice with you. (And by the way, I'm married to the love of my life and I have genuinely everything I always dreamed of having.) So, here goes: I can't tell if this guy is playing you or if you are too intense, honestly. It doesn't seem like a good situation, though. Either way, something's badly off and you will have to fix it as a unit. Good luck. This means so much to me. Thanks for posting this. I've been waking up with anxiety, sometimes crying, and I think I really have to work on myself and my insecurities but at the same time I can't get him out of my head. He tells me all these wonderful things about how he wants me and he wants everything to work out with me... how he talks to his parents about me and that obviously he isn't in it for just sex (we hardly have any) but his main "excuse" is that he has to move by the end of the month so he does not have the time right now to be around as much as he wants. He says he needs to work on time management. I mentioned that any guy, no matter how busy, if he's pursuing a woman, will make time, make her feel like she is a priority. And I don't get that from him. But then he tells me some complicated story about how he may be gone for his birthday (mid-June) because he also is on a travelling team for baseball (he has not travelled for baseball anytime in the last 3 months so I have no idea how it just happens to start on his birthday) and does not know if he has to go to Atlanta or not. Last month he said he might go to the Dominican Republic. But can't tell me for sure. I feel like he already has a trip planned with whoever because he already took the week off. Things like this. It frustrates me and makes me feel inadequate. I know part of it is me, but then I know that I can't be that much of an idiot to just keep taking everything he tells me and believing it. I know he's interested and somehow wants to be in my life (because any other guy would have ran the other way when I gave him the talk about not being around- multiple times lol), but I just feel like he hasn't cut off all his ties from the past (if he's even trying to). So... I'm just trying to distract myself and since it's not even really in the "dating" phase.. I'm trying to let it flow because that's what he wants. But it's just hard because I don't have much patience and the unknown eats away at me! Thanks for listening... I'm a talker in person so typing just seems like so much more haha. Edited May 10, 2013 by mm4184
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