ksinger Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 I met a man on an online dating site over a month ago (early 40s), and have been chatting and/or talking every day since. We have also had four dates over the past two weeks and each date seemed like a wonderful time. He actually traveled well over an hour to see me each time, and of course I kept it safe and met in public the first three dates. Each date lasted about 4-6 hours so we were really starting to get to know each other ,… I knew that he was divorced, based on his on-line profile, and when he bought it up he only mentioned a first marriage that ended 10 years ago. He said he has two children in which he has dual custody with the wife. He also mentioned he had had a serious relationship since then with another woman, they had a child together, but they were never married and that ended about 8 years ago. He appeared to be a good father and also a very nice guy and was feeling a really wonderful closeness and connection with him. And we seemed to have so many things in common (with the exception I have no children of my own). Even on the dates, he was very gentlemanly, and hardly tried to hold my hand... It almost got to the point where I wished he would “just kiss me already“, and started to wonder if he even liked me like that... but then I thought, “why does he go to so much trouble to see me?” “insist on paying for all the dates?” “always asking to see me and chat every day?” “making sure I wasn’t dating anyone else by asking me?”….Even though I thought this was unusual, I decided to be patient because I really, really liked him. ... but could not shake the sense something was wrong. Well, I live in a state where it is very easy (and free) to check someone's public marriage records online, and yes, this morning I checked. I felt weird for doing so, but don't regret it now. It turns out he was just divorced from a second marriage ONLY about only 4 months ago. I would not knowingly date someone who had not been divorced for a least a year - for my own personal reasons (been there, done that, in my case it was a big mistake I would never make again). I know I am probably at fault for not asking him more questions, but am I completely wrong for being upset that he left, what I consider very important, information out? I have just found out and have not said anything yet. Something tells me when I mention it he will say something like "well I thought we were just getting to know each other and didn't feel obligated".. “da dee da dee da “.... I think it is still wrong, but am having self doubts... I don't want to date him now, and don't think I want to even be friends with him! I think it is just wrong for him not to mention it at all after over one month. But do you think I am over reacting? What would you do, or say? I would really appreciate your feedback. My head in spinning….
CarrieT Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 I don't think you are overreacting. You found out a pretty big lie and the obvious question is, "what else has he lied about?" In this day-and-age of technology, it is too easy to check up on people - a practice I heartily recommend, BTW - and applaud you for keeping to your standards. Tell him what you did, what you found out, and why you are ending it. He might have acted like a great guy, but there is obviously something there that is not copasetic if he had to perpetuate such a big lie... 1
clia Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 If he didn't outright lie to you, then I don't think you have any reason to be upset. You just met this guy and are in the "getting to know you" phase. You've only had four dates. There are probably a lot of things relating to his past that you don't know about yet. I mean...did you ask him when he got divorced or how many times he's been married? If it's that important to you that you not date anyone who is newly divorced, I would think that would be one of the first questions you would ask. This just doesn't seem like a big deal to me. Are you even sure it's him that you found in the public records? And: Even on the dates, he was very gentlemanly, and hardly tried to hold my hand... It almost got to the point where I wished he would “just kiss me already“, and started to wonder if he even liked me like that... but then I thought, “why does he go to so much trouble to see me?” “insist on paying for all the dates?” “always asking to see me and chat every day?” “making sure I wasn’t dating anyone else by asking me?”….Even though I thought this was unusual, I decided to be patient because I really, really liked him. ... but could not shake the sense something was wrong. This is how men who are into you act. I don't see any of this as a red flag or wrong or unusual. Are you used to dating jerks? If you don't want to date him now after finding this out, that's your choice. Throw him back into the sea.
Author ksinger Posted May 6, 2013 Author Posted May 6, 2013 UfCrocks, please do not misunderstand me. I love that he was a gentleman.... I am still a little new to dating but still though if a guy likes you he would want to hold your hand or a quick kiss goodnight by a third or fourth date. I didn't mean that I expected him to be aggressive, disrespectful or anything more than that. And no, I don't date jerks. And I never said I had a "bad vibe"... I said I "sensed somthing wrong"
RedRobin Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 (edited) People aren't mind readers. He hasn't tried to sleep with you or engage you in anything more than 'get to know you' type activities. I'm sure there are things about you that are less than pleasant too that you aren't sharing. Oh, like how many men you've slept with, or you snore, or a million other things that someone might want to know about you at some point. I personally have no interest in regurgitating everything about my life to a total stranger, nor do I have any interest in Googling people. I've never learned anything on Google of any real importance. The really important stuff you can only learn by observation and time. So no, unless you asked the question and he flat out lied, then he hasn't lied. If you like him, then just calm down and ask him. In person. See what his reaction is. Without sounding like a Google crazy stalker. I've dumped guys for Googling me prematurely, just so you know. IMHO, it's lazy to do it preemptively. I only do it for verification AFTER the fact and for cause. Edited: Sometimes people want to make sure the person they are telling their secrets to are trustworthy themselves... and can keep a confidence and aren't going to be complete a-holes. Let people share on their own time. Ask if it is important to you, and in a respectful way. That is the best way to build trust, IMHO. Not Google stalking and confrontation. Edited May 6, 2013 by RedRobin 2
sillyanswer Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 I would not knowingly date someone who had not been divorced for a least a year - for my own personal reasons (been there, done that, in my case it was a big mistake I would never make again). I know I am probably at fault for not asking him more questions, but am I completely wrong for being upset that he left, what I consider very important, information out? If being recently divorced is a deal breaker for you then you need to ask about this at the beginning. 2
FitChick Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 I wouldn't date someone newly divorced either. The last thing they want is a serious relationship or, god forbid, marriage in their current state of mind. My trick in eliciting this information is to ask, "So how long have you been divorced from your most recent wife?" If they've only been married once they usually laugh. Even married more than once isn't always a red flag, especially if someone is 50 and older. One guy was married 20+ years to first wife and 14 to the second. Another guy was married two years when he was 25 to get a green card and then married again for less than a year at 48 -- now that was a red flag. You have to take things on a case by case basis. 1
2sure Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 Life has taught me that certain kinds of people... Lie when they think or know you won't like the truth. They are called " Liars". They lie when telling the truth might not get them what they want. And this wasn't a lie like....well, we separated 8 years ago but just recently signed the paperwork. Nope. He said it never even happened, let alone that it was 4 months ago. You have to Next him.
soccerrprp Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 Not over reacting. He omitted an extremely important detail about his life. For some, a deal-breaker. By not telling you of this, this is lying. Let's not mince words. The omission of truth, is a lie.
RedRobin Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 The omission of truth, is a lie. Not on the fourth date and before any intimacy. This is what I hate about OLD. Everyone there expects instant intimacy and overnight regurgitation of every little detail of their life for immediate sorting. Gross. It's up to her to ask if it is important.
StanMusial Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 People tell you as much as they can get by with. I have dated girls before they never mentioned their kid(s) until the third date. In one case I found out one girl had three! kids by three! different guys from a third party... after going out with her three times. I have dated girls that didn't mention their DUI arrest for up to a month. I found out from one girl when she called me at my office asking her for a ride home from her court date LOL. I have also met girls and gone out with them a few times and then found out they were living with their fiance or boyfriend. None of this was OLD by the way, these are all girls I met either in a bar or a club somewhere.
Author ksinger Posted May 7, 2013 Author Posted May 7, 2013 Thank you for the feedback, but some of your responses have led me a to a new question regarding safety when on-line dating like….comments such as Why did he even give you his name? I think it's stupid to do that with someone you hardly know even for a guy. and People aren't mind readers. I've dumped guys for Googling me prematurely, just so you know. IMHO, it's lazy to do it preemptively. I only do it for verification AFTER the fact and for cause. On-line dating is not the same like in the old days where you would date someone you met in college or high school or was a friend of the family, etc. It does not feel nearly as safe. I would never go on a first date with a man where I did not know at least his last name and was able to tell a friend where we were going and when I should be expected back. Gee, I wouldn’t want to only know his first name was “Ted” and then later find out a few dates later, when alone with him, his last name is “Bundy“, lol. But seriously, on-line, people can say they are anyone they want to. I have heard true horror stories of women meeting someone they met on-line and getting raped or worse. Women (and men) have a right to feel and be safe by knowing that the person who they are about to meet in person is who they say they are… And also saving themselves a lot of heart ache (I also know a few women who dated men they met on-line who stated they were single and then they turned out to be married). I still think on-line dating can be a great way to meet people…some people have ended up meeting the love of their lives online…but how do you strike a balance between being safe and not being “too paranoid and google stalking” ? It would be great to hear suggestions!
soccerrprp Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 Not on the fourth date and before any intimacy. This is what I hate about OLD. Everyone there expects instant intimacy and overnight regurgitation of every little detail of their life for immediate sorting. Gross. It's up to her to ask if it is important. I respectfully disagree. Being divorced, 1x, 2x, etc. should be one of the first things that should be revealed during the early stages of a relationship. It is very important for most to know this, don't you think? And why wait until after intimacy? That's even more risky. Imagine having had sex and then told, oh, btw, I've divorced twice, not only once. Ugh. Better before intimacy so that the partner may make a more informed decision as to whether one wants to continue with the relationship. I date a woman who revealed within the first 20-minutes that she had been divorced twice. I appreciated that and from there made my decision to continue dating her. I just don't agree with you. And frankly, it has little or nothing to do with OLD.
RedRobin Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 To answer your question... Meeting someone online for a date is no different than meeting a total stranger for business. People do it all the time. Have you ever advertised a yard sale? Same thing. You go to public places, well lit. Park in a spot that can be seen by others, out in the open. As far as names, and marital status go... These are easy things to check with a few questions, and random stuff. TBH, you have more to worry about from guys who are trying to keep lots of ladies in the cue than you do coming across a guy who is actually still married and trying to hide it from the wife. Those guys have lots of other venues these days. The guys trying to squeeze you in as FWB and backup plan, or get in a 'test drive' while they simultaneously sleep with other women... I'd focus more on sorting out those guys... Those are the ones you'll come across a lot more often in OLD than a serial killer or a married guy. Seriously. 1
RedRobin Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 I respectfully disagree. Being divorced, 1x, 2x, etc. should be one of the first things that should be revealed during the early stages of a relationship. It is very important for most to know this, don't you think? And why wait until after intimacy? That's even more risky. Imagine having had sex and then told, oh, btw, I've divorced twice, not only once. Ugh. Better before intimacy so that the partner may make a more informed decision as to whether one wants to continue with the relationship. I date a woman who revealed within the first 20-minutes that she had been divorced twice. I appreciated that and from there made my decision to continue dating her. I just don't agree with you. And frankly, it has little or nothing to do with OLD. I'm not saying to wait until after intimacy. I'm saying that intimacy is not even on the table yet in this case. I'm not sharing important details about my life to someone I've known a week or two. Just not. Prove to me you are a person I can trust with my secrets, THEN I'll share the major stuff. Until then, nada. Or, if certain things are important to you... say so up front... like, "I'd have a really hard time dating someone who has been married more than once." Then let them decide to tell you or not. If they stick around after hearing that, then yes, they are lying. But no, they aren't obliged to read your mind or tell major stuff to a total stranger. 1
RedRobin Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 That's why you're suppose to meet in a public place like a restaurant. Never go alone until you get to know them. If you're worried about that then don't give out cell phone number. I remember a woman who shared a cell phone number online with a guy she liked and he passed it onto a woman who paid a hacker to get her information with a cell phone. They got her full information.. address, full name where she work etc. In the end they harassed her at work and even people working there and she eventually lost her job. You just need to get to know them slowly. A guy giving his name can be subject to stolen identity etc. Psych Central - Tips for Safe Online Dating Oh yea... Google Voice is your friend. I had a stalker once. Actually someone I met through a mutual acquaintance. Google Voice will email you everytime someone leaves a message. Perfect record just in case.
Author ksinger Posted May 7, 2013 Author Posted May 7, 2013 (edited) Thank you for the link Ufcrocks , it gives some very good advice. Edited May 7, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
FitChick Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 I always google men before we meet. One guy I've been emailing and talking to is four years older than he claimed but that didn't bother me since he's exactly my age (but doesn't know it). What I needed to know and what is more important -- were his photos current? Is that what he looks like now? I found a story about his business venture accompanied by a photo and it looked like his profile photos, so that was a relief. Google is your friend. But be careful. This guy had the same name as a gay porn producer (fortunately there was a pic). 1
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