NotCamelot Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 Tomorrow, May 7, is the same day that my W lied about where she was going on her day off work last year and spent the entire day in a hotel with her AP. It has been almost a year since D-day (May 17). And we have been great for a long while now. The thing is, I know this will be on my mind all day tomorrow.........will she think about that too? I don't know and I won't ask.....I really don't want to know. I simply bring this up to ask all of you that helped me so much over the last year to keep me in your thoughts tomorrow as it will be a really tough day for me.
Ninja'sHusband Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 YEah I agree, keep busy. Do something engaging ALL day. I've been through almost ever big horrible anniversary I can think of from my WW's betrayal...and I just live life, trying not to think about things. I'm horrible at it if I'm not doing anything, like driving and taking walks are bad, my mind always strays to depressing rehashing over and over, but if I'm watching TV, playing sports, games, parenting, working, playing music, etc, I do a lot better. I might even find the day has passed and I didn't think about whatever anniversary it was. I try not to even anticipate them...though this does remind me the 1 year anniversary of my separation is looming. 2
Jonah Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 Tomorrow, May 7, is the same day that my W lied about where she was going on her day off work last year and spent the entire day in a hotel with her AP. It has been almost a year since D-day (May 17). And we have been great for a long while now. The thing is, I know this will be on my mind all day tomorrow.........will she think about that too? I don't know and I won't ask.....I really don't want to know. I simply bring this up to ask all of you that helped me so much over the last year to keep me in your thoughts tomorrow as it will be a really tough day for me. Sooo... talk it over? She is your wife, your help-meet. Is there a way that you could let her help you? If she had a problem, you would want to help her wouldn't you? ...An opportunity to reach out, to grow closer? To better get to know each other? 3
Author NotCamelot Posted May 6, 2013 Author Posted May 6, 2013 Sooo... talk it over? She is your wife, your help-meet. Is there a way that you could let her help you? If she had a problem, you would want to help her wouldn't you? ...An opportunity to reach out, to grow closer? To better get to know each other? Actually, I have thought about that and it scares me. Things have gotten so good, I hate to bring that past back to the forefront - even for a few minutes.
todreaminblue Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 Can you try to plan something special tomorrow to help overwrite the history of that day? That is what I have been trying to do on days that have any affair history on them. Hope tomorrow will not be too rough for you. what a wonderful idea.......make a new history sounds like a wonderful way to build a bridge ....better times ahead......d.eb 3
CantgetoveritNY Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 Actually, I have thought about that and it scares me. Things have gotten so good, I hate to bring that past back to the forefront - even for a few minutes. I think like this too. Like would I rather try to get through it myself or ask her to help and thereby cause her to think about it when she otherwise might not have. I can go either way depending upon the day. 1
Jonah Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 I think like this too. Like would I rather try to get through it myself or ask her to help and thereby cause her to think about it when she otherwise might not have. I can go either way depending upon the day. Could it be that she too would like nothing more than to exhume the corpse and bury it somewhere else? If there is a tension, for sure she feels it too.
ver13 Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 All you have is the moment that you are living in now don't waste time on that which can never be re-written. If you are granted another day above ground spend it well, go out with her and do something cool. You stated that things have been good between you guy's grow on that value what you have now. 3
Author NotCamelot Posted May 7, 2013 Author Posted May 7, 2013 (edited) So far the day has started out quite nice... a good morning after a great night of "loving".....which she initiated. (of course I think the motive there was to try to show me that it is me she wants, but that's ok). So, if I can stay strong enough, busy enough to make it through this day........ we have our 21st wedding anniversary on Thursday. Then next Friday, the 17th is the anniversary of D-day. That will be another tough one. Why did she have to do that crap around our anniversary? I think I will have a memory of it every time our anniversary comes up, thanks to her and the a**hole. Why can't I let go of the memories? Does she remember the days like I do? Does she remember them fondly? This is the hard part now. And, thankfully, the memories are the only part I have to deal with now. Though they are getting fewer and farther apart. Will there be a day I don't remember what happened? Edited May 7, 2013 by NotCamelot 1
road Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 I think you both should of cal in sick from work and did something special/fun today. Make a new and better memory for 5/7. 1
BetrayedH Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 Good luck, NC. I also recommend taking that day back somehow - it's a strategy that works. I just had my 2nd Dday antiversary on 5/1. It came and went without a whole lotta thought. But I think it's tougher on those that reconcile as you're still with your biggest trigger.
Author NotCamelot Posted May 7, 2013 Author Posted May 7, 2013 Yeah, gonna do something today/tonight.... gonna be expensive week.....today, anniversary, mother's day (x2)! But whatever it takes to fix all this is worth it. We truly love each other and are committed. I just have to work on memories. You are right, creating new ones to cover the old ones will be the best way to do it. No magic pill :-( to do it. 2
Decorative Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 So far the day has started out quite nice... a good morning after a great night of "loving".....which she initiated. (of course I think the motive there was to try to show me that it is me she wants, but that's ok). So, if I can stay strong enough, busy enough to make it through this day........ we have our 21st wedding anniversary on Thursday. Then next Friday, the 17th is the anniversary of D-day. That will be another tough one. Why did she have to do that crap around our anniversary? I think I will have a memory of it every time our anniversary comes up, thanks to her and the a**hole. Why can't I let go of the memories? Does she remember the days like I do? Does she remember them fondly? This is the hard part now. And, thankfully, the memories are the only part I have to deal with now. Though they are getting fewer and farther apart. Will there be a day I don't remember what happened? No. You will always remember. But- it will fade. Scars heal. They are there to remind of us what happened, and to show healing. It will get to a point where you remember, but it will only hurt if you press on the scar. It's the human condition. And growth from pain- even horrible pain, can add depth to your life. I am not saying that any of us at all would prefer this method of growth. But our of ashes can come great things. 1
Author NotCamelot Posted May 7, 2013 Author Posted May 7, 2013 I hope today is going okay for you. So far, regarding the two of us, it is great! I am pretty sure she is aware of the significance because of all the extra ILYs and hugs and smiles. But that's ok. She is trying to make me feel good and secure......I can live with that. :love: 2
lilmisscantbewrong Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 So far the day has started out quite nice... a good morning after a great night of "loving".....which she initiated. (of course I think the motive there was to try to show me that it is me she wants, but that's ok). So, if I can stay strong enough, busy enough to make it through this day........ we have our 21st wedding anniversary on Thursday. Then next Friday, the 17th is the anniversary of D-day. That will be another tough one. Why did she have to do that crap around our anniversary? I think I will have a memory of it every time our anniversary comes up, thanks to her and the a**hole. Why can't I let go of the memories? Does she remember the days like I do? Does she remember them fondly? This is the hard part now. And, thankfully, the memories are the only part I have to deal with now. Though they are getting fewer and farther apart. Will there be a day I don't remember what happened? Wow - 17 years and it's still rough for you? Man, I am sure hopeful that things will not be so raw when I get there. Can I ask why so raw after 17 years? I understand it was a very hard thing, but I'm just curious?
lilmisscantbewrong Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 (edited) Sorry - I'm an idiot - misread - not 17 years. the 17th is the D-day anniversary - never mind - long day And I understand. First D-day for my xmm and I was on his birthday (discovered by her). The second D-day for us (discovered by my husband) was 3 days before my birthday. Weirdly enough we both had to have driver's licenses renewed that years so our licenses for 4 years reminded us of the dates. And, first discovery near my husband and my anniversary as well (he says that it's tainted because of that). Then when confronted him on his affair, it was right before HIS birthday. Yeah, when you are in an affair, you don't think about anything so dates previously that were filled with joy become very hard. Time, time and more time... Edited May 7, 2013 by lilmisscantbewrong
Author NotCamelot Posted May 8, 2013 Author Posted May 8, 2013 Well, I made it through that day (yesterday). No issues other than our cat is missing... :-( But, now I just have to get through the next 10 days. When I get past the anniversary of D-day, I think I can feel better......like passing a milestone or checkpoint......getting through airline security.....or a kidney stone........then you get to relax. But, believe me, relaxing will never mean that I won't be mindful of things around me in the relationship ever again. I never thought it would happen to me.......there won't be a next time.....I won't let it, because I know we have fixed the problems...something we should have done BEFORE ever hurting each other. Sometimes we are so busy with life that we forget to live. Important things are taken for granted and then trouble starts brewing. Never again for me.
Owl Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 The "anniversaries" of these events get much, much easier to deal with as time goes on and the two of you recover. 2
doubled Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 It's been 4 years for me and it is still hard. November 6th was the day I knew 100% in my gut that my WH was having an affair with an ex close friend and it was November 30 that the MOW's BH caught them together. Both of those days are tough for me every year and my H knows it. He goes above and beyond to make those days easier and special for me. We spend those days together just being there for each other, talking, and loving each other. I think it does get easier but never gets forgotten or goes away. Communication is key. 1
lilmisscantbewrong Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 (edited) That is weird, doubled. November 30th was the 2nd dday for me and my xom - my husband was the one that discovered it via my computer (she discovered it the first time months earlier) and we were close friends. That stopped my heart for a minute and made me think I shouldn't be posting here, but I realized that many of us are going to share similar dates - nature of the beast I guess. Anyway, there isn't a day that goes by that I dont regret my choices and the damage done. Hurts like hell. I am glad your husband is going out of his way to make you feel safe and secure. All that to say, yes it does get better in time. All the best to you. Edited May 8, 2013 by lilmisscantbewrong 1
drifter777 Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Anniversary dates and other major triggers may get "easier" but they are never easy. You said something in your OP that bothered me. If this is something you don't want to share with your wife for fear of conjuring up memories of the past then you are not as far along the path of reconciliation as you would like to believe. One year is nothing. You should be confident you can share your pain, anger, and sadness with her anytime and she will help you in any way she can.
BeholdtheMan Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 I think I will have a memory of it every time our anniversary comes up, thanks to her and the a**holeIt always bothers me when the BS calls the AP an a**hole or bitch or whatever. Your wife took the wedding vows. If the OM (some guy who owes no loyalty to you) is an a**hole for banging a willing piece of ass, what does that make your wife, who shat all over your wedding vows? 1
Recommended Posts