Coping with breakup

[mostagreeableguy]

Hi everyone,

 

I figured I would share my breakup story of my girlfriend of 1 year (who I was looking at proposing to) as a way to help cope with what recently occurred and to get anyones input on the situation...maybe it will help me get closure.

 

My senior year of college I met a wonderful girl in my technical writing class. We started hanging out, graduated together, and continued to date after we left school.

 

We had similar personalities and had a lot in common. We never fought and always had a great time together.

 

She lived with her parents and I lived with some relatives...but I frequently stayed over at her house as her parents weren't nearly as strict as the relatives I was staying with.

 

I had a good relationship with her family. I would eat dinner with them at the table every night I came over, and sometimes would even help prepare it or make something for them. They honestly felt just like family to me...it felt great to be included with such a great group of people, as my family lives abroad and I don't get to see them very often.

 

Things were going great 10 months into the relationship however, she suddenly "didn't have the same feelings she used to have" about me. She told me this after returning with her family from a trip they went on, and said that she had actually been experiencing these feelings even before the trip. I was completely shocked.

 

After some heartbreak (I took a week off from seeing her) we mended things and continued dating. Skip forward another month, I brought up the talk again as she suddenly started acting strange. She seemed distant and was very hesitant towards kissing me or doing anything else. She told me the same thing...she didn't have the same feelings anymore and didn't know if she could ever have them again. Hurt again...I asked what she wanted to do. We decided to keep dating...thinking maybe it was some kind of phase she was going through since I was the first serious boyfriend she'd ever had. She still loved me and cared about me, but just didn't feel the passion (perhaps?) that we once had.

 

She continued acting strangely...so we broke up. I was completely devastated. A co-worker (who had a crush on me) then asked me out on a date and I decided to go...thinking it would quickly help me get over things. It didn't help at all.

 

A week later me and my ex-girlfriend went on a road trip together and things went great. She was distant at first, but warmed up quickly and it seemed like things had returned to normal. We had a great time on the trip and I even stayed with her for the next 2 days at her house. Just good times and everything was normal. I brought up the topic again though...and to my surprise, she still felt the same. Empty towards me. Being confused, I asked her if she had started seeing anybody else or had gone on dates with anybody since the break up. Negative.

 

She then asked me the same, and valuing honesty in a relationship...I had told her that I went on a date with a co-worker in hopes of it helping me get over her. She seemed totally cool with it. Wasn't angry with me, said I was single and had every right to do that. I left her house, we hugged...and she said that everything was going to be OK.

 

Then out of the blue, I came to find that she had blocked me on FB and was ignoring my texts and calls for 2 days straight. I finally got a hold of her (after calling about 20 times in 1 night) and she angrily told me that she "didn't want to talk right now" and "needed space". I kept asking why she was suddenly acting like this when things were going just fine a few days ago. She just kept telling me that she needed space and didn't want to talk anymore. That was about 2 weeks ago. Haven't heard from her since and continue to remain blocked.

 

I'm devastated by all of this. I don't understand why she became so rude and harsh towards me all of a sudden when things were seemingly fine and on pace to being just friends at the worst. I never cheated on her, was always loving and caring towards her. She never had the decency to at least give me a heads up that she didn't wanna talk anymore or even tell me her true reasoning for doing what she did.

 

I have no closure. And I loved this girl to death...it really really breaks my heart.

Edited May 6, 2013 by mostagreeableguy

[Chi townD]

Something happened on that trip. I speculate that she met someone while she was there and continued to communicate with him through text, skype, phonecalls and email when she got home. It could explain why she was distant and the BIG red flag for me was her saying she was "confused".

 

Girls normally only say that when they are "confused" about the feelings that she's having between two guys.

 

She was probably feeling guilty about her feelings towards someone else and when you told her that you went on a date, you gave her permission to ease her guilt and also gave her permission to demonise you. Make you the bad guy so she doesn't have to feel guilty about what she's doing anymore.

[mostagreeableguy]

I initially had the same thought...it was a 3-day trip to Vegas she went on (she lives on the West Coast). But it was a family trip, so she was with her mom & dad and brothers the entire time. I find it hard to believe that she met somebody there worth talking to in such short time (she's an introvert as well) who she would start something with.

 

My only guess is that MAYBE she talked to a few people and realized that there are more fish in the sea and panicked about being tied down in a serious relationship.

 

If she was seeing somebody else I could easily hate her and get over her that much faster...but I just find it hard to believe based on who she is and what she told me. She had been experiencing these feelings BEFORE the trip as well apparently...but told me she did "a lot of thinking" while she was away from me and somehow came to this conclusion.

 

She blocked me and all of my family members off of FB though so I really have no way of keeping any tabs on her unfortunately.

Edited May 7, 2013 by mostagreeableguy

[Am4Real]

How old are you two?

 

Being young as late teens or ealry twenties is a hard time for most to consider settling in for the long-haul.

 

 

 

 

I initially had the same thought...it was a 3-day trip to Vegas she went on (she lives on the West Coast). But it was a family trip, so she was with her mom & dad and brothers the entire time. I find it hard to believe that she met somebody there worth talking to in such short time (she's an introvert as well) who she would start something with.

 

My only guess is that MAYBE she talked to a few people and realized that there are more fish in the sea and panicked about being tied down in a serious relationship.

 

If she was seeing somebody else I could easily hate her and get over her that much faster...but I just find it hard to believe based on who she is and what she told me. She had been experiencing these feelings BEFORE the trip as well apparently...but told me she did "a lot of thinking" while she was away from me and somehow came to this conclusion.

 

She blocked me and all of my family members off of FB though so I really have no way of keeping any tabs on her unfortunately.

[Am4Real]

Always have found it interesting when this occurs.

 

If there are legitimate reasons to have ill feelings for an EX and I do mean legitimate and of course under the guise of being self-qualified reasons, it can actually be a positive event.

 

However as I’ve seen so many times, if there is a false or weak demonization of an EX, it will surely come back to visit/haunt the dumper at some point when their mind, conscious and memory all come into alignment.

 

Let me see…as I recall it happens right about the time the new person is seen in lights different than the original attraction or projection that existed under the demonization of the last person or a series of disagreement, arguments and differences erupt.

 

In other words, it’s difficult if not downright confusing to have to “justify” one lover for another unless there are those legitimate and I mean downright deal-breaker character flaws in one of the persons.

 

The dumper should know unequivocally how they feel and what they want without a third party being in the picture. Then and only then is the break clean and non-confusing at some future point in time.

 

Good post Chi.

 

 

 

you gave her permission to ease her guilt and also gave her permission to demonise you. Make you the bad guy so she doesn't have to feel guilty about what she's doing anymore.

[Chi townD]

I initially had the same thought...it was a 3-day trip to Vegas she went on (she lives on the West Coast). But it was a family trip, so she was with her mom & dad and brothers the entire time. I find it hard to believe that she met somebody there worth talking to in such short time (she's an introvert as well) who she would start something with.

 

My only guess is that MAYBE she talked to a few people and realized that there are more fish in the sea and panicked about being tied down in a serious relationship.

 

If she was seeing somebody else I could easily hate her and get over her that much faster...but I just find it hard to believe based on who she is and what she told me. She had been experiencing these feelings BEFORE the trip as well apparently...but told me she did "a lot of thinking" while she was away from me and somehow came to this conclusion.

 

She blocked me and all of my family members off of FB though so I really have no way of keeping any tabs on her unfortunately.

 

 

Okay, then maybe it wasn't someone on the trip. Maybe it's someone in the neighborhood. The only thing I know is when a girl is "confused" about their feelings. It's usually because there's conflict. 9 times out of 10 it's because of another person.

 

Now, in your post, you have a hard time believing that there might be another person. You even believe it because you described her as an introvert. BUT! you never thought she was the type to kick you to the curb either. She definitely wasn't confused about that. SHe made a choice and it wasn't you. Therefore, start NC and go dark on her.

 

Oh, and by the way. It's usually rare to see the dumper block you AND your family members from Facebook. Dumpers are usually far along in their healing process that they don't think it's necessary to block you, because...to be quite frank, their over you and view you as nothing more than a friend at that point. So, it leads me to believe that she's hiding something and doesn't want that information getting back to you. Thus, the reason to block your family members (innocent people in all of this) as well.

Edited May 7, 2013 by Chi townD

[mostagreeableguy]

I'm starting to think the same thing Chi. Why would she block me AND my family if she just wanted space?

 

Something is fishy...breaking up I can handle, it's not knowing the reasoning for it that's killing me. All I ask for is an honest explanation from her.

 

Here's something that I want to do...maybe its a bad idea, maybe its not:

I've been dark for about 2 weeks now. Her birthday is coming up though, so I think I'm going to mail her a birthday card just wishing her a happy-bday and all the best. And then remain dark.

 

Thoughts?

[ViciousCycle]

This is OT somewhat..

 

What do you guys think is the reason a significant other falls for a third party? Is it partly on the dumper and partly on the dumpee?

 

It is frustrating that a dumper can fall for someone or be confused so easily. I think part of it is maturity and part of it has to do with the dumpee being confident so the dumper wouldn't think to actually leave. But I am certainly not an expert, and that is why I ask.

[mostagreeableguy]

I was able to talk to her again the other night. Not as hostile towards me this time around. Apparently she was hurt by how quickly I went on a few dates with another girl so soon after breaking up. I find it strange because she had told me 3 times she didn't have feelings for me anymore. I figured it was too soon...but if she didn't have feelings for me i figured I wasn't hurting anybody.

 

That is what prompted her to block me and my family. She was hurt and just wants space to think things over. She didn't want anything to do with me popping up on her newsfeed and such. She still wants space and after explaining how much I loved her and all she told me she has a hard time believing anything I say...which confuses me because I've been nothing but honest with her.

 

Anyways her bday is coming up. I mailed her a personal bday card I made and will continue to remain dark to give her the space she needs. Maybe things will turn around, maybe they won't...

[mostagreeableguy]

And my response to VC...

 

I believe a significant falling for a third party is due to both parties in the relationship having a lack of communication. There is something that one person desires in the relationship and isn't getting. Perhaps the connection is gone, no passion felt, or just a lack of happiness. Rather than confront the issue though...it's avoided and the SO finds another person as a means to compensate for what's missing to them.

 

There are some things you just can't give though even if you talk about it. As in my case, my ex just suddenly lost her feelings for me. She couldn't really give me any answers as to why...it's just how she felt.