affairaddict Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 Ugh 11 days NC after I said no more and said no more contact. After a year EA turned PA the last days of affair. He's stuck to it. I respect that. Been doing really well. Today is hard though not sure why. Would love to say hi but I know I'm doing it for that fix of him saying hi back then I get that relief - that warm feeling. I'm pathetic. He's no good, I'm doing well. I miss the talking all day. I don't have another guy to do that with. I am happy on my own wont replace it with another messer but I miss chatting all day to nothing. Today is a horrible day. I will not contact him and will feel good in the morning that I've stuck to it. Silence is deafening.
lilmisscantbewrong Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 Yes, go do something if you can. Take a walk, go for a drive, shop, have a nice glass of wine (only one), mediate, pray, be thankful for the moment. And, yes, you will feel so much better and proud of yourself if you are not the one to break NC. I am honestly so proud of myself right now because I am in TRUE NC. Although my xMM and I haven't had a conversation, email, or whatever in 3 years, I was still so upset and sad there were times I would check FB, etc. and I realized that was hurting me more than helping me. I don't know how or why I justified it in my mind, but I did. When I finally made the decision to stop that my whole world changed. I tell myself daily how proud I am of MYSELF for not looking at anything - and I mean nothing. I know what will happen if I look and I don't ever want to feel that way again. Hang in there! 1
Author affairaddict Posted May 6, 2013 Author Posted May 6, 2013 Thanks for your kind post. 3 years is amazing. I thought over the weekend I'd cracked it . I was happy , bit FU maybe but not cried for days since the night I ended it actually yet tonight I'm crying again. I don't know what I'm crying for but tears are falling I feel weak I'm wasting tears on someone who probably didnt care much for me after all.
lilmisscantbewrong Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 Thanks for your kind post. 3 years is amazing. I thought over the weekend I'd cracked it . I was happy , bit FU maybe but not cried for days since the night I ended it actually yet tonight I'm crying again. I don't know what I'm crying for but tears are falling I feel weak I'm wasting tears on someone who probably didnt care much for me after all. You are not weak. You are grieving - there is a difference. Allow it to flow. It is not easy, it is a death. It will take time and the tears will surprise you at times, but they will lessen as time goes by. 1
forgetmenot75 Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 As an affairadict, being far away from the drug is almost umbearable. But you can do it!! Hugs to you 1
Author affairaddict Posted May 6, 2013 Author Posted May 6, 2013 But I don't know why I'm crying. My mind is blank. It's really odd .
forgetmenot75 Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 I personally don't let myself cry, because I feel worst afterwards, drained and empty. Just try to keep you busy. I'll get better, I promise
Author affairaddict Posted May 6, 2013 Author Posted May 6, 2013 I cry I think I feel better. It's very short lived. I think I need to soul search to find out what's hurting me the most. I think I'm starting to feel shame.
Author affairaddict Posted May 6, 2013 Author Posted May 6, 2013 Don't know. I feel bad about allowing myself to get involved for so long. I feel shame that I didn't walk away before and stayed away. I feel bad for her now that she doesn't know and he went home that night the one time after we were intimate. I just want to move on now. I'm not going to tell her because I think he knows he did wrong and he won't contact me anymore and he's getting married and I don't want to ruin that.
Praying4Peace Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 Affairaddict, Though crying is definitely draining and you want to be able to make sure you don't ruin your whole day exhausted (been there, done that) it also has been shown that letting out the tears does help (some chemical in the brain). That said some people are naturally criers... Have you ever gone to see a therapist? It might be helpful for you to get your feelings out. I know what you mean about the silence. It's like a death. And its hard to find anyone IRL that you can confide in who won't go straight to "But you knew going in it was wrong..." Even knowing that- it hurts like hell. Whether someone else cuts me or I hold the knife myself...it still bleeds. Usually when theres a bad day like this, you feel better the next day so don't worry...the sun'll come out tomorrrrowwwww I would also check out the website Baggage Reclaim (google it). It is very helpful and empowering. Hope you're feeling better now and you got some food in you.
Author affairaddict Posted May 6, 2013 Author Posted May 6, 2013 I'm the other way and have stuffed my face this week as comfort! Oops gym body out the window. I have had CBT and therapy before and was strong but this blindsided me I sincerely didnt know what an emotional affair was at first still I started googling more than just friends. I'm a strong girl but do make poor relationship choices and I want better for myself. But have a massive issue with men who are nice and decent. Push them away. I think I should find another therapist as I don't want to go through life without mutual love. Lots of people have loved me and I hurt them and I'm cold. Yet I seem to love being hurt and unloved its like Its a challenge To me. Although this is my first involvement in an affair.
forgetmenot75 Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 I think 'that' shame you're feeling right now will give you the power to move on. Bravo! I'm feeling guilty too, and that means the "affair bubble" is slowly dissolving. Cherish those feelings, because they'll keep you away from contacting him again. and you'll slowly forgive yourself, giving way to happier feelings
kellyca Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 In the 7 weeks that we have been NC I have sent 12 text messages. Of course no reply to any of them. However, he is reading them all and not just deleting them. I think I am starting to look a bit sad and pathetic. You are doing great! Every hour that we get through without contacting is a win.
Recommended Posts