yougotmyheart Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years, lived together for about 4 years, and we have two children together (with a third on the way). We live in an apartment complex and we recently had a new neighbor move in next door, which happens to be a female. On Saturday afternoon, my boyfriend was just getting home and parking our car when he noticed that a tow truck was towing someone's car. He wasn't sure whose car it was, but he still wanted to help. So, he knocked on a few of our neighbor's doors to alert them that their car was being towed. The car happened to be a visitor of our new neighbor. They thanked him for his help. Later that day, I suggested that he give our extra parking pass to the neighbor for their guest, that way they won't have to be towed again. As of yesterday, he knocked on the neighbor's door to give her the parking pass. I was in the house, so I didn't hear the convo very well, but my boyfriend said that she was telling him what happened with her car. I heard some laughter, but I just figured it was friendly conversation. Yesterday night though, while we were having dinner as a family, there was a knock at the door. My boyfriend answered the door and went outside to speak to whoever it was. When he came back in, he said "That was crazy" and he smiling. I said to him "The way you're looking, it seems like it was the neighbor flirting with you or something.". He went on to tell me that the neighbor knocked on the door and asked him if he smoked. He said yeah and she said "I could tell earlier. Do you want to smoke (weed) with me?" My boyfriend said that he told her "Oh, nah, I'm eating dinner with my kids right now." Then he went on to tell me how he was just taken aback by what she said and felt like he may have given her a weird impression of him. He kept going on talking about how he hopes she doesn't think he's a weird person. I was pretty upset, but tried not to show it. I really don't like how he said he couldn't join her because he was having dinner with his kids. Um, HELLO, I am your girlfriend. Doesn't it seem like that's something that should've been mentioned? Now, because she hasn't seen me before, she may have the impression that he is single and/or that he will take her up on her offer at another time, which I would NOT be comfortable with. I am so annoyed. Am I upset for no reason?
will1988 Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 is she attractive? he may be flirty with her and slightly attracted to her, but so far he has not given any signs that he is cheating or will cheat on you. Maybe you can try to be her friend? I'd keep an eye out though, just in case. However, for now, just play it off and hope he does the right thing.
Author yougotmyheart Posted May 6, 2013 Author Posted May 6, 2013 is she attractive? he may be flirty with her and slightly attracted to her, but so far he has not given any signs that he is cheating or will cheat on you. Maybe you can try to be her friend? I'd keep an eye out though, just in case. However, for now, just play it off and hope he does the right thing. I don't know what she looks like. She moved in within the past week or so, so I haven't really had the chance to run into her. I will definitely keep an eye out. I am hoping that she will knock at the door again while I am here, that way I can answer and make it known that he is taken. We haven't had any situations in the past where he's actually cheated, but I've had some things happen that I was uncomfortable with. A few years ago, my boyfriend didn't own a cell phone, so I let him borrow mine was I was at work and while he ran errands. That morning, he told me that he'd accidently sent a text message to a stranger. She told him he had the wrong number and I figured that would be the end of that. WRONG! When he picked me up from work later that day, he casually mentioned that he had text the girl from earlier a couple of times. He deleted all of the text messages though. I was able to recover most of the messages and saw that he was indeed flirting with this person, this person he had never even met. I was so upset! The main thing that I remember is that he asked her to show him her breasts and ass. When I confronted him about it, he told me that he meant nothing by it and that's just how he talks to females. I went on to say "So, if I were to talk that same way to a guy, it would be fine, right? Because I wouldn't mean it in any sort of way?". He got defensive and said that it wouldn't be the same. Again, this was years ago, but it really stuck with me and upset me. I don't know what the signs of cheating are, but I just get jealous easily after that incident.
Author yougotmyheart Posted May 6, 2013 Author Posted May 6, 2013 Do you have something against birth control? How can you not be finanically able to have a wedding, yet are able to have a 3rd child? I don't believe this actually answers any of my questions at all, or gives any helpful advice, given the situation that I'm already in.
Jbum5 Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 Your partner should start looking for another job that calls him in for more than 8 hours per week. In his current condition even working at McDonald's or other fast food chains for 40 hours a week (full-time) or 20 hours per week (part-time) would likely do your entire family and hence relationship better. And that's an easy enough position to secure. Further, he needs to change his work ethics and/or professional behavior in order to limit has chances of getting let go. He also needs to stop accepting employment with companies that are likely to liquidate and disappear. The fact that you [accidentally] chose to have a third child in your current condition was probably not a smart decision - this may be the nail in the coffin, apologies for the bluntness. However, if you can keep your head above the sand and get him to make his way back up then it's likely that you can sustain this relationship and family, although not without great difficulty. Starting from the first step is always good though. So [tell him to] get to it. 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 (edited) You sound like you're just going through a lot right now, overloaded with the stress and responsibility of your relationship. I think that's a lot for a young couple in their early 20's to go through, but you seem to have stepped up to the plate and took on the responsibility. Unfortunately in this situation I don't think you can depend on him changing his ways anytime soon, although he is still young I think he needs some motivation and direction from someone wiser, he's not taking the initiative and working hard enough, he seems to be adding further to the burden. The only thing is, that he's the one watching the kids I assume? If someone is working full time and you have 3 kids or going to, It's understandable if one parent doesn't work 40 hours a week...is he at least taking on the parenting role or is someone else doing this for you? because baby-sitting isn't cheap if it's "professional". But living in extreme poverty, that's not a lifestyle I'd like to live personally and I think he should be doing whatever he can to help raise you out of that and give your kids a more comfortable and less dependent lifestyle. I think you need to communicate with him and express to him how you feel and what you are going through, tell him you're becoming fed up with the sole responsibility of supporting this family and you're feeling very stressed and burdened and like he isn't doing his part to support the family. You feel like you're taking on the load of responsibility and he's just working a mere 8 hours and you're feeling very unhappy. I think he just sounds young and irresponsible, and men generally establish themselves later on (starts mid 20's) because they aren't always super-motivated/committed and can be lazy...if he wasn't one of those type of guys he'd be out there making something happen, if this doesn't motivate him then I'm not sure what will. But at his age, I wouldn't be surprised if he felt trapped and stuck, like he's not able to get a good job or keep one, but maybe his attitude isn't right...which wouldn't be a surprise, because he shouldn't be getting fired....that's a really bad sign there, he really needs a better work ethic, but unfortunately with that, I do not see dramatically improve but maybe he can at least hold a job in his future, but he could also just because a bum and after you just shack up with another woman and pop out a few kids with her and be taken care of...he may be that type. I've noticed people are either hard-working or they're not, and just try to get by doing the minimum. Really think about things to yourself, and try to communicate with him about your thoughts and how you feel....I'm sure you've already done this to an extent and it hasn't changed much, but make sure you're putting it all out there. You know in your gut what you want and need, and he doesn't seem to be providing it to you, in a way I could see how you'd be better on your own, since you are doing all the work anyway, but you're having 3 kids with the guy, he's likely going to always be apart of your life even if it's in a distant form. This is just the reality, when you do what you've done young, people still need to grow up and can change...but not always, and not necessarily for the better. As far as marriage, I don't see that on the horizon, and with this relationship I really wouldn't recommend it. I know the whole family thing sounds like a great idea, but you guys are still so young, don't get yourself in a situation you truly just feel more trapped in. And don't make a decision because you feel like you won't ever find a guy, worry about your kids and bettering yourself and your life first, if you just focus on being alone and finding someone else you could very well just end up with another guy you are taking care of, along with your kids, just not to be alone. And then you may have men coming in and out of your life and your kids are like wtf is going on! so try to make decisions for your children and yourself, unfortunately you are not first at this time, but I do worry about your emotional well-being and hope you'll find someone to talk to and get support before you become completely overwhelmed by everything going on. You need support. Edited May 6, 2013 by Ninjainpajamas
NJtoDC Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 Has your BF ever considered joining the military? I imagine the income and discipline would serve him and your family well. 1
will1988 Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 Has your BF ever considered joining the military? I imagine the income and discipline would serve him and your family well. not to mention free housing, and job preferances once he gets out. Sounds like a good deal to anyone really!
NJtoDC Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 not to mention free housing, and job preferances once he gets out. Sounds like a good deal to anyone really! I almost mentioned the housing allowance and such but I think you have to be married to benefit from that? I am hesitant to suggest marriage for these two....least not until and if the BF mans up. 1
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