Getting over an intense EA/PA...men vs. women?

[Praying4Peace]

I read this very interesting take on it...I was wondering what everyone thought about it.

 

On this forum, you see way more women. But I think that it is partly because it is the nature of women to seek out comfort from others and want to talk about and process their emotions rather than hold it all in (I know, a VERY sweeping statement). Or, on the other hand, find an anonymous message board rather than a buddy and a beer

 

I think women might hurt more and then get over it quicker when shown that things aren't what they seemed, or 'realistic' which is the case in A's where there is future faking and intense feelings.

 

I'm not talking at all about predator MM's here, I'm more focused on the A's that happen due to poor boundaries, unfulfillment in the M at the time, external validation, etc.

 

What do you think? In a way do women get over it more quickly?

 

Why some women forget their affair partner faster than the man after a relationship ends - by Lillyswawa - Helium

[KathyM]

I don't think I'd agree with that link. Women, in general, are more relationship minded. Men are more independent and practical minded. When women lose a partner, they are more likely to obsess about it for a long period of time. Men are more likely to replace the lost partner quickly and move on, which is why you often see divorced men getting remarried surprisingly quickly, but divorced women needing more time to process her feelings before getting involved again. Of the widowed and divorced men I know IRL, they all got married again within one year of losing their first wife, without missing a beat. Of the women who divorced or were widowed, several had men showing interest in them, but the women needed more time to process the end of their last relationship, and some of them were not interested in replacing their lost husband at all. If a man has his "fantasy girl" removed from his life, he'd just find another one, or work on his marriage where his wife will fulfill all of his needs/desires.

[SweetBella1]

I don't agree with that article. I think it takes women longer to process/accept the end of a (once happy) relationship. But there is another dynamic in play. Based on my own experience, most men are on a 2-4 month delay in terms of dealing with it. It seems they "box" their emotions away for a while, & appear to get on with their lives. Just when the woman is starting to accept the situation, *that's* often about the time when the man takes that emotional box off the shelf in his mind & begins to finally think of her, & begin processing what he had & how he feels about that now.

 

If he feels regret at this point, he is likely to resurface in the woman's life (to her surprise, since she's been hurting for months & finally getting over him!) On the other hand, if he feels some longing for her - but not enough to change anything - he will stay gone. Also, if a man does go out & finds a replacement, those 2-4 months are critical in establishing where he will end up, with new chick or crawling back to his ex.

 

Women don't get over it faster..the men are just on a delay in processing everything. Any dudes agree with this theory?

[KraftDinner]

I think men appear to get over it faster, but actually pine for way longer. They convince themselves they're just fine and run off and get remarried. I don't think this is because they're over everything. On the contrary, I think it's because they are in denial or something.

 

I've heard guys lament over long lost loves, but not women. Yes, this is all anecdotal evidence and generalization.

[affairaddict]

I agree I think they revisit their feelings very late, and some don't really get over things completely. I think this is because they are skilled at blocking out feeling and emotion perhaps don't know.

 

This appears to be the case in normal relationships. I am over it they come back and are regretful about the break up or wanting to reconcile

[Praying4Peace]

I didn't read this article in terms of anything but retaining 'fond feelings'

 

The OW's on here who were strung along usually wake up one day and realize they deserve so much better, he wasn't the one for me bc he didn't make the relationship a 'reality' (see article for description).

 

Whereas men don't care as much if they didn't ever take the steps to make it happen bc the OW was just a 'fantasy' that can live on as a 'fantasy' on a bad day.

 

That's how I read the article, not sure if I agree.

 

I do agree with the processing thing that several other posters brought up. Definite delay.

[thefooloftheyear]

I just read that as someone generalizing something that, frankly, cant be generalized. Its just not that cut and dry. When human beings are involved with anything there are dynamics that just cant be quantified is the way the author wants it to.

 

Just too many variables to make a blanket statement like that.

 

TFY

[ViresSanctity]

My personal experience of growing up in college with a fraternity led me to believe that males in general hold on longer and have a harder time forgetting the past.

 

Females cry their tears out and move on (generalization) and males bottle it up (generalization).

 

I've heard several close female friends of mines tell me, "I wish he would just move on and forget about me." and I've never heard any of my guy friends say that about a woman.

 

Even if the emotions aren't there anymore guys also like to keep their ex's around for booty calls though so that might be another factor. That his hopes to keep a woman from leaving his grasp as she'll have a more difficult time disconnecting emotionally from him, thus giving him that validation and sex when he craves it. Reading the Lucky One from Nicholas Sparks, I find that cop who still fantasizes about keeping his ex-wife as a F-Buddy is closer to reality than a fictional novel.

 

All in all, we would all benefit from not being attached too much too anyone or any drugs. Independence keeps us mentally sane and enlightened on our path.

[firstandlast]

I read this very interesting take on it...I was wondering what everyone thought about it.

 

On this forum, you see way more women. But I think that it is partly because it is the nature of women to seek out comfort from others and want to talk about and process their emotions rather than hold it all in (I know, a VERY sweeping statement). Or, on the other hand, find an anonymous message board rather than a buddy and a beer

 

I think women might hurt more and then get over it quicker when shown that things aren't what they seemed, or 'realistic' which is the case in A's where there is future faking and intense feelings.

 

I'm not talking at all about predator MM's here, I'm more focused on the A's that happen due to poor boundaries, unfulfillment in the M at the time, external validation, etc.

 

What do you think? In a way do women get over it more quickly?

 

Why some women forget their affair partner faster than the man after a relationship ends - by Lillyswawa - Helium

 

You might be on to something there. That seemed to be the case in my instance.

[KathyM]

A healthy sense of attachment is a good thing, but not in an affair dynamic. An affair, by its nature, is destined to end. In a normal relationship, it's psychologically healthy to have a differentiated self, where you seek emotional attachment, but also retain your individuality. Neither end of the spectrum is healthy--desperately seeking a relationship and not being able to function without one, or on the other end of the spectrum, being so independent that you cannot or won't allow yourself to become emotionally attached to someone or able to have a relationship with someone. The healthy state is wanting or seeking a fulfilling relationship with someone while still being able to retain your own individuality.

[SweetBella1]

A healthy sense of attachment is a good thing, but not in an affair dynamic. An affair, by its nature, is destined to end. In a normal relationship, it's psychologically healthy to have a differentiated self, where you seek emotional attachment, but also retain your individuality.

 

This brings me some comfort, and validates me somewhat.

 

I didn't want to become too emotionally attached to xMM since neither of us planned to divorce our spouses. However he insisted that the only way he could continue the A was if we were exclusive lovers. Basically he wanted it me to be all his, and him to be all mine. That's all fine and well but I wasn't looking for a second H. It worried me because I knew the possibility of becoming attached to him would become more possible, but I went along with it.

 

Of course now in hindsight I can see that I was right all along.

 

To me, it was an A, it should've been light, fun and supplemental. Friends! Not chock full of restrictions, rules and expectations for how I was supposed to behave. xMM makes his "girlfriend" his temporary second wife...while she's with him she's ONLY with him. And after the A, he just doesn't care anymore because she's no longer his possession, no need for jealousy. But that's so unfair to the woman because we get bonded so much, emotionally and we can't compartmentalize as well, usually.

[thefooloftheyear]

A healthy sense of attachment is a good thing, but not in an affair dynamic. An affair, by its nature, is destined to end. In a normal relationship, it's psychologically healthy to have a differentiated self, where you seek emotional attachment, but also retain your individuality. Neither end of the spectrum is healthy--desperately seeking a relationship and not being able to function without one, or on the other end of the spectrum, being so independent that you cannot or won't allow yourself to become emotionally attached to someone or able to have a relationship with someone. The healthy state is wanting or seeking a fulfilling relationship with someone while still being able to retain your own individuality.

 

 

This is it, really...Very well put...

 

TFY

[RickFox]

From what I've seen and learned, women don't get over it, they never forget, they cannot (most, not all) shut off their emotions and while with time the emotions will lessen, they are never completely gone. It is simply that women are better able to hide their emotions thereby appearing to get over someone rather quickly and we stupid men are none the wiser, believing y'all have gone on and men, who are not emotional creatures by nature, have no idea what to do with these emotions that overtake us, and we try to make sense of it and we can't so we hold on to some stupid hope until we make the transition to the 'no longer matters stage.'

 

I do think men, who did truly become emotionally attached hold on a lot longer but once they make the transition, they are done, it's over, signed sealed and delivered.

 

If you ask me about xmw, I'll tell you that she got over me the day she turned her back on me while I pined for over a year and during that time had she hinted she wanted me again, I would have fallen for it. Now, given I've had time to grieve and process it all, I've crossed the threshold and if she returned, despite any feeling that are there, she burned that bridge, there is no crossing it again, the emotion that was once there has been replaced and while the memories are there, I know what the reality is.

 

I've known for a while now, a girl, well a woman now, who I dated briefly in high school has been constantly looking me up, and up until I found out, never had the slightest thought about her, but she hasn't forgotten and when talking to my W, her response was from a woman's standpoint, it's never truly over, "we women" she said, don't forget. Maybe so, but in my male mind, xmw forgot, didn't care and carried on with no looking back.

[Praying4Peace]

RickFox-

Why is it that you think women always hold on and your W told you women always hold on but you think your MOW is the exception? I just read all your earlier posts and she's no different than any other woman except she's smart enough to protect herself and know that if she didn't end things she would have been broken hearted. She's not even that good at hiding her feelings and you still can't see it. Mars and Venus- its funny how we don't pick up each other's signals.

[DelusionalOne]

. Now, given I've had time to grieve and process it all, I've crossed the threshold and if she returned, despite any feeling that are there, she burned that bridge, there is no crossing it again, the emotion that was once there has been replaced and while the memories are there, I know what the reality is.

 

That's not just a guy thing. This is exactly how I am.... I may pine for awhile. Hurt, cry, make deals with God but once I am past it... I am past it. It's over, done and nothing left but memories. I look back on memories with old loves and I remember the good times but there really is no wistful fondness happening.

[SweetBella1]

From what I've seen and learned, women don't get over it, they never forget, they cannot (most, not all) shut off their emotions and while with time the emotions will lessen, they are never completely gone. It is simply that women are better able to hide their emotions thereby appearing to get over someone rather quickly and we stupid men are none the wiser, believing y'all have gone on and men, who are not emotional creatures by nature, have no idea what to do with these emotions that overtake us, and we try to make sense of it and we can't so we hold on to some stupid hope until we make the transition to the 'no longer matters stage.'

 

I do think men, who did truly become emotionally attached hold on a lot longer but once they make the transition, they are done, it's over, signed sealed and delivered.

 

I've known for a while now, a girl, well a woman now, who I dated briefly in high school has been constantly looking me up, and up until I found out, never had the slightest thought about her, but she hasn't forgotten and when talking to my W, her response was from a woman's standpoint, it's never truly over, "we women" she said, don't forget. Maybe so, but in my male mind, xmw forgot, didn't care and carried on with no looking back.

 

It's just too hard to make generalizations like this, though. Every boyfriend I ever had has resurfaced in my life, looking for me. ALL OF THEM. Just four days ago I opened the "other" folder in my Facebook inbox for the first time and among the messages there were two ex boyfriends, one I dated when I was 16 and the other, a guy I dated when I was 22. Based on my experience, there isn't one guy who've I've dated who has "gotten over it" but I truly have. So I don't know that women hold onto things longer, at least not based on my exes!! I don't send messages to old boyfriends, but they sure find me!

[ViresSanctity]

It's just too hard to make generalizations like this, though. Every boyfriend I ever had has resurfaced in my life, looking for me. ALL OF THEM. Just four days ago I opened the "other" folder in my Facebook inbox for the first time and among the messages there were two ex boyfriends, one I dated when I was 16 and the other, a guy I dated when I was 22. Based on my experience, there isn't one guy who've I've dated who has "gotten over it" but I truly have. So I don't know that women hold onto things longer, at least not based on my exes!! I don't send messages to old boyfriends, but they sure find me!

 

Everything is generalization up to this point, but some are more consistent than others.

 

My current AP has the same issue. There's this guy who she's broken up with over 4 years ago still texting and calling her. She shows me his texts, one of them saying, "I'm still waiting for you." It's an eye roller, but honestly, I was in the same spot once when I was in college. Never again now that I know better.

 

But some of these women don't help by fostering the attachments these guys have. Staying in contact with them to put them down easy or staying friends doesn't work. As long as there's contact they'll think there's still hope.

[thefooloftheyear]

Everything is generalization up to this point, but some are more consistent than others.

 

My current AP has the same issue. There's this guy who she's broken up with over 4 years ago still texting and calling her. She shows me his texts, one of them saying, "I'm still waiting for you." It's an eye roller, but honestly, I was in the same spot once when I was in college. Never again now that I know better.

 

But some of these women don't help by fostering the attachments these guys have. Staying in contact with them to put them down easy or staying friends doesn't work. As long as there's contact they'll think there's still hope.

 

There is no "pattern"...Every situation is different/unique in as much as people are unique/different....Period.

 

News flash...We arent automatons folks..Do a get a prize?..

 

That article is kind of ridiculous, frankly...

 

TFY

Edited May 7, 2013 by thefooloftheyear

[Praying4Peace]

Anyone who gets dumped needs to get over one day and never look back.

 

I thought that article was about affair partners who call it quits when the feelings are still high, which is different than ANY relationship in the normal world.

 

I guess men and women aren't that different after all : )

[RickFox]

RickFox-

Why is it that you think women always hold on and your W told you women always hold on but you think your MOW is the exception? I just read all your earlier posts and she's no different than any other woman except she's smart enough to protect herself and know that if she didn't end things she would have been broken hearted. She's not even that good at hiding her feelings and you still can't see it. Mars and Venus- its funny how we don't pick up each other's signals.

 

Well I said most, not all, but most and I don't include my XMW as one in that category. Ok, the only reason she ended things was because we got busted and while I made arrangements to open my life up to include her in it, she shut the door in my face. Not because she would have ended up broken hearted (no guarantee I guess) but simply to protect the home life which she had and had no intention of ever giving up (cake eating they call it yes?)

 

I think if you cared about someone, you wouldn't go off on them, you wouldn't call them a stalker when you know damn well they weren't, you wouldn't ....you wouldn't treat them like crap as so many MM do to their OW... maybe I see it differently, just act like an adult. She walked away scott free and got a brand new car and new ring out of the whole deal.... yay for her.

 

I was going to PM you this response but you have it disabled and I mean with all sincerity when I ask you, show me the errors that I don't see... point them out to me so maybe I can better understand how is she not so good at hiding her feelings.. Because to me, she shows nothing, hasn't since the day she acted like I didn't exist and quite possibly, believing she doesn't care has made it that much easier (two years later) to rarely give a crap.

[ViresSanctity]

Anyone who gets dumped needs to get over one day and never look back.

 

I thought that article was about affair partners who call it quits when the feelings are still high, which is different than ANY relationship in the normal world.

 

I guess men and women aren't that different after all : )

 

There were a long of things missing from that article that distinguishes an affair from a typical relationship (what's typical?)

 

That last paragraph with her opinion boggled me. She made a sweeping statement about men needing coddle and women don't without even bothering to explain why she thinks this could be true. I'm not sure if I've ever heard that generalization before.

 

 

Biologically I think we are all humans. We hurt, we love, we yearn for attention and admiration all pretty similarly. Our social conditioning is not the same.

[ViresSanctity]

There is no "pattern"...Every situation is different/unique in as much as people are unique/different....Period.

 

News flash...We arent automatons folks..Do a get a prize?..

 

That article is kind of ridiculous, frankly...

 

TFY

 

Patterns do exist. Saying they don't "period" is just as much a sweeping generalization as making one. Just because we are all unique doesn't mean we don't have situations and traits that overlap. Didn't you post a link on traits that fit a BPD woman to look out for?

[thefooloftheyear]

Patterns do exist. Saying they don't "period" is just as much a sweeping generalization as making one. Just because we are all unique doesn't mean we don't have situations and traits that overlap. Didn't you post a link on traits that fit a BPD woman to look out for?

 

Sure,,,

 

True deep psychologically damaged people can "throw off the curve", so to speak. But lets throw them out for the sake of this argument and assume everyone is pretty "normal". How can one say what "happens" to one in one situation is going to be the same if you change the players in the game?

 

My point is this.

 

If you take yours, mine, or anyone else's scenario and plug someone else in yours/mine shoes the dynamics can change. Yes, I suppose you can say that patterns exist, but by doing so it almost takes the human element out of it.

 

In the case of "getting over someone", (which is what the original thread is about), a particular person might get over someone in one day and that same person might take years to get over someone else. It just depends...

 

You are you. That is a constant, no? Yet, if you have had more than one relationship then likely you had taken more/less time "getting over it", depending on the other player. And this is true for men/women universally.

 

I do see your point, though...

 

TFY

[ViresSanctity]

Sure,,,

 

True deep psychologically damaged people can "throw off the curve", so to speak. But lets throw them out for the sake of this argument and assume everyone is pretty "normal". How can one say what "happens" to one in one situation is going to be the same if you change the players in the game?

 

My point is this.

 

If you take yours, mine, or anyone else's scenario and plug someone else in yours/mine shoes the dynamics can change. Yes, I suppose you can say that patterns exist, but by doing so it almost takes the human element out of it.

 

In the case of "getting over someone", (which is what the original thread is about), a particular person might get over someone in one day and that same person might take years to get over someone else. It just depends...

 

You are you. That is a constant, no? Yet, if you have had more than one relationship then likely you had taken more/less time "getting over it", depending on the other player. And this is true for men/women universally.

 

I do see your point, though...

 

TFY

 

Of course there are factors that make everyone different and anyone man or woman isn't going to react the same to an A break up.

 

I just think men, as my personal opinion without dehumanizing or belittling anyone's individual experience, generally have a harder time moving on than women. That's not to say women move on fast or anything.

 

We're programmed to be more tunnel visioned in our thoughts and endeavors. Whether hunting for food, women or a job, we're lock on like a homing missile. It's in our DNA. It's in my observation that men obsess about the past. Women swing from branch to branch to whichever is safer. There are studies and theories on this that have applied since the beginning of time.

 

Also the author of that article didn't specify the difference between the man and the woman of an affair and a monogamous relationship. She just sort of throws in the word affair in there.

[thefooloftheyear]

Of course there are factors that make everyone different and anyone man or woman isn't going to react the same to an A break up.

 

I just think men, as my personal opinion without dehumanizing or belittling anyone's individual experience, generally have a harder time moving on than women. That's not to say women move on fast or anything.

 

We're programmed to be more tunnel visioned in our thoughts and endeavors. Whether hunting for food, women or a job, we're lock on like a homing missile. It's in our DNA. It's in my observation that men obsess about the past. Women swing from branch to branch to whichever is safer. There are studies and theories on this that have applied since the beginning of time.

 

Also the author of that article didn't specify the difference between the man and the woman of an affair and a monogamous relationship. She just sort of throws in the word affair in there.

 

 

I hear you...

 

I have heard that some men who have a difficult time with breakups are dealing with something that happened during their formative years as a child. The theory is that if a man wasn't properly loved and nurtured as a little boy or his parents split up early on and the mother wasnt around 100%, then he will carry that with him for life. The "seperation" resulting from a breakup feeds this long seated insecurity. I dunno, I suppose its plausible.

 

Also, here is another thing to consider(talking about regular relationships now, not affairs, per se.). Women in general have much more accessibility to men. They dont even have to be super good looking or special. And in this day and age of social media, the offers come in like crazy..Even good looking men generally have to pursue, so the opportunity isnt as great. This probably helps the woman get over it easier as well..

 

Jody Arias didnt handle her breakup so well, however. But of course she is the exception-not the rule.

 

TFY