who_am_i Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 xMM birthday is this week. I usually see my therapist on Monday mornings and knew that talking it out with her would help me feel a little better, so all weekend I did the best I could to keep him out of my head. Then this morning her office called to cancel. I hung up the phone, got in the shower, and just began to sob. I just couldn't keep it together anymore. I am trying so hard to get over this. I respect that fact that he is working on his marriage...I really do! I just miss him so much! I almost feel like I'm never going to get past this. I hate that I've done this to myself. 3
SweetBella1 Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 I hate that I've done this to myself. This last line really resonates with me! I have often said that to myself, about my own A. I'm so sorry that your appointment fell through. You were clinging to that. I'm impressed you got in the shower and cried, I would've been curled up in bed, crying. At least a shower is productive! I tried to read some of your past posts but didn't have much luck finding the info I was seeking. How long were you in the A and how long have you been NC? Was there a D Day, if not, how did it end? ((hugs))
Author who_am_i Posted May 6, 2013 Author Posted May 6, 2013 This last line really resonates with me! I have often said that to myself, about my own A. I'm so sorry that your appointment fell through. You were clinging to that. I'm impressed you got in the shower and cried, I would've been curled up in bed, crying. At least a shower is productive! I tried to read some of your past posts but didn't have much luck finding the info I was seeking. How long were you in the A and how long have you been NC? Was there a D Day, if not, how did it end? ((hugs)) I may have had a shower...but don't quite have it together enough to leave the house & I'm expected to be at work at some point. The affair lasted 2 years and ended in February. There has not been any contact by either of us since then...so just shy of 3 months. Oh was there ever a d-day. Long story (very) short...I told her. This is the part that haunts me the most and I swear that's what is making this so much more difficult. 1
BrokenPrincess Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 I'm so sorry that your appointment fell through. You were clinging to that. I'm impressed you got in the shower and cried, I would've been curled up in bed, crying. At least a shower is productive! Ditto^^ good job! I'm so sorry to hear about starting the week like this. My xMMs bday was about a month after DDay & I was sick with anxiety the whole week. I wanted to break NC so badly. I posted here nonstop. I emailed myself like 6 casual, lighthearted messages I wanted to send him. But at the end of the day, I just kept reminding myself over & over & over, there was no point. He was with his W and family and it doesn't matter if he knows I was thinking if him on his birthday. Hang in there, cry it out. Feel free to PM me or post here all the birthday wishes you want, but whatever you do, don't break NC. I'm 3 days back in NC now and suffering all over again. (((Hugs))))
SweetBella1 Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 Oh was there ever a d-day. Long story (very) short...I told her. This is the part that haunts me the most and I swear that's what is making this so much more difficult. Ok so you know how we all go back in our minds and wish we'd done certain things differently along the way? Do you wish you'd never told his W? How did he react to that, did he speak to you about it?
Author who_am_i Posted May 6, 2013 Author Posted May 6, 2013 Ok so you know how we all go back in our minds and wish we'd done certain things differently along the way? Do you wish you'd never told his W? I regret it every single day. How did he react to that, did he speak to you about it? He said some pretty hurtful things. I'm pretty sure he hates me. I read all the time on here how the BS will say their husbands regrets the affair and thinks nothing of the OW. If that's the norm, then xMM must just despise me and that thought is so painful.
SweetBella1 Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 I read all the time on here how the BS will say their husbands regrets the affair and thinks nothing of the OW. If that's the norm, then xMM must just despise me and that thought is so painful. Those "in hindsight" regrets are the worst! I had many realizations about my xMM in the 4 weeks since our breakup. Kinda wish I'd realized them when I was IN the A, rather than now....but que sera, sera. Too little, too late. I just keep thinking, why couldn't we have just had a few more months? But would that have made it any easier when it ended? No! The A would've had to end eventually and it would've been painful regardless (unless I was the one to do the breaking up, which wouldn't be very typical of me.) So I understand the regrets. People will say, it's better this way, etc but it doesn't stop us from playing things out in our head...if we'd handled things differently.... sigh Not easy
Praying4Peace Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 who am i- I remember sobbing in shower (for some reason its the best place to get it all out) and waiting for my days with the therapist. Last month was also MM's birthday and I was sooo tempted to send a message or just call and hang up to let him know I was thinking of him. Now I wonder WTF I was thinking and I'm so happy I have never contacted him or responded to or sent any breadcrumb type messages. Please don't beat yourself up about telling his W. What's done is done. Perhaps he'll see it as you having enough self worth to tell her and walk away from a relationship that's just not worth it. If you don't initiate ANY contact, ever, that is the natural conclusion he will come to. And if he really wanted you and your relationship, he'd come and find you. FWIW my exMM's W told his parents all the details so 'they would know what a disgusting son they had' (and also to help her out in the situation, rightfully so) and he forgave her! So, yeah, it's all in your perception. Take care of yourself and don't be afraid of the tears- I actually think they are GOOD for you. Let it all out and just let the pain flow through you until you are healed.
canuckprincess Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 I read all the time on here how the BS will say their husbands regrets the affair and thinks nothing of the OW. If that's the norm, then xMM must just despise me and that thought is so painful. First off I wish I knew where you lived and was close enough to give you a hug and a shoulder to cry on. Now as for the ow meaning nothing that is how a bs is able to deal with being betrayed. Honestly if my husband cheated on me and then said she meant nothing then what would I have meant to him. Now I'm not talking about a fling or a ONS I'm talking about years and sometimes decades. I don't know the details of your relationship with mm, I know you said two years but how intense was it. Mine was and is very intense, so if it stopped it would leave a huge hole in my life. I'm fortunate that if that ever happens I have a huge network of friends and family to help. If you want to pm me we could chat. Your not alone.
Goodbye Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 I really feel your pain. I've got some "special" dates for us (me and former MM) coming up (25 years since our first meeting, anniversary of when we first saw each other last year and both of our birthdays), and I wonder how I'll deal with them. I'll wonder if I'll spend the day hoping he'll reach out to me or wondering if he is thinking of me. It all hurts so much. It is good you have a therapist. I'm sorry she cancelled at such a tough time. Chin up. Keep on healing.
canuckprincess Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 I really feel your pain. I've got some "special" dates for us (me and former MM) coming up (25 years since our first meeting, anniversary of when we first saw each other last year and both of our birthdays), and I wonder how I'll deal with them. I'll wonder if I'll spend the day hoping he'll reach out to me or wondering if he is thinking of me. It all hurts so much. It is good you have a therapist. I'm sorry she cancelled at such a tough time. Chin up. Keep on healing. I wonder if men in general feel different about special dates like woman do.
Athens Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 Who am I, I know I keep repeating myself here, but I will say again, you need to take care of you so like LadyGray what he thinks of you does not matter. Yes, I am a BS whose husband hates our OW because of her telling me, etc....but I have found that my healing depends not on how he feels about her, but how I feel about me. I work on me so much so that I am strong enough to deal with whatever life throws at me. I know I am doing better because even things non affair related mean less and less to me, like petty arguments at work, the little everyday stresses of being a wife and mother....I am happier than I have been in a long time...I do yoga, read, pray, meditate...all things that center me. Look for peace in your life, everyone deserves that...
canuckprincess Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 Who am I, I know I keep repeating myself here, but I will say again, you need to take care of you so like LadyGray what he thinks of you does not matter. Yes, I am a BS whose husband hates our OW because of her telling me, etc....but I have found that my healing depends not on how he feels about her, but how I feel about me. I work on me so much so that I am strong enough to deal with whatever life throws at me. I know I am doing better because even things non affair related mean less and less to me, like petty arguments at work, the little everyday stresses of being a wife and mother....I am happier than I have been in a long time...I do yoga, read, pray, meditate...all things that center me. Look for peace in your life, everyone deserves that... You said your the bs, I wanted to ask you how you felt about the other woman telling. I mean I understand if you hate her for sleeping with your husband but do you hate her for telling you about the affair? I ask this because I feel the wife has a right to the truth but I question whether or not they can handle the truth. I don't think all bs can handle it.
lilmisscantbewrong Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 (edited) I wonder if men in general feel different about special dates like woman do. Probably depends upon the man. Mine had a photographic memory. He remembered EVERYTHING. I know there are certain things, dates, etc that trigger me a bit, but I believe with my whole heart they trigger him more. The reason I say this is because shortly after the last D-Day one of the pastors (who was angry with both of us but more at me I guess), called him out of the blue one day and asked "When it become physical?" and my xMM said "you mean when did we first take our clothes off - it was mmdd". He knew the exact date right away - I had to take inventory and actually look at a calendar of stuff surrounding that date before I could say "oh yeah it was". On the other hand, my husband can't remember anything. He is a professional and a very smart man, but he deals with hundreds of details every day, so there are times I get it and understand. But regarding his own affair, when I would ask him questions, he would conveniently forget or couldn't remember. In my mind, this is bogus. I don't believe it for a minute. I think those things are stored away in his mind as well. I am not stupid. So, I think men very much DO remember and they just tell their wives they can't remember or have forgotten because they just don't want to answer questions and they will say whatever they can to get you off their back for the moment. Sorry, ladies, I have been on both sides of this, so I know. So, yeah, I do believe, at least my xMM, remembers exact dates for sure. I don't know what he associates with them or how he thinks now, but I can guarantee he remembers everything. That is one thing I am certain of. Now for the OP - big hugs to you - so many of us here have been there. I know there were many things I did after D-Day I wish I hadn't. It's such an emotional time. But it isn't necessarily a bad thing that she knows, even if you were the one to tell her. Let him deal with his own issues. You deal with yours and work on your healing. It isn't easy, but walking through it (nor around it) will be the best thing you can do for yourself. Funny how many of us use the shower for tears - must be extremely therapeutic... Edited May 6, 2013 by lilmisscantbewrong
Athens Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 Actually I do not hate her for sleeping with my husband, he had a role in that too! What I hate her for is the intrusions since DDay and the way she told me. She sent an anon text, telling me to check my husbands phone for the fake name her contact info was under, then she sent him a super sexy text knowing I would be looking. It also means for her to get my number, she would had to look at my husbands phone at some point. This is all from someone that said she could handle a casual affair, but in the end turned in to a pyscho. I guess I can not blame her for changing her feelings, but I can blame her for not owning those feelings. My husband hates her because, as someone said before, the honor among thieves thing. If she had just said she was falling for him and asked him to choose and tell me, he would have still chosen me but he would not hate her so much. And yes, I do believe he would have chosen me with or without DDay because of the tone and things she says like...I know you said you would never leave your wife, but.....he had an affair because she pursued him, he was at a low point and did the wrong thing....he is 100 percent at fault and responsible for his actions, but he was honest that he was flattered and acted on it and became addicted to the attention and ego boost....
Author who_am_i Posted May 7, 2013 Author Posted May 7, 2013 Who am I, I know I keep repeating myself here, but I will say again, you need to take care of you so like LadyGray what he thinks of you does not matter. Yes, I am a BS whose husband hates our OW because of her telling me, etc....but I have found that my healing depends not on how he feels about her, but how I feel about me. I work on me so much so that I am strong enough to deal with whatever life throws at me. I know I am doing better because even things non affair related mean less and less to me, like petty arguments at work, the little everyday stresses of being a wife and mother....I am happier than I have been in a long time...I do yoga, read, pray, meditate...all things that center me. Look for peace in your life, everyone deserves that... I think that when you were writing this it came from a good place?? 1
Author who_am_i Posted May 7, 2013 Author Posted May 7, 2013 who am i, I hope you get to a point soon where you are ok with telling his wife. I believe that everyone should have the truth of their life. We all deserve that. Also, when you are healed and you've put this in the back of the bottom drawer, you really won't care what he thinks of you. My xmm, I don't care. Thinking he might hate me, leaves me flat, it just doesn't matter and is not relevant to me. You're right and with any luck one day I will be able to do that. As for today? Today wasn't about being sad because I told her. Today was just about him being gone and missing him terribly. With his birthday being this week, I'm easily reminded of some of the good times we've had together. These days are not as often as they used to be, but when they come they come on hard. I spent the majority of the day fighting back tears...it feels awful.
Author who_am_i Posted May 7, 2013 Author Posted May 7, 2013 I wonder if men in general feel different about special dates like woman do. Well considering it's HIS birthday...I'm gonna say he'll remember.
Author who_am_i Posted May 7, 2013 Author Posted May 7, 2013 You said your the bs, I wanted to ask you how you felt about the other woman telling. I mean I understand if you hate her for sleeping with your husband but do you hate her for telling you about the affair? I ask this because I feel the wife has a right to the truth but I question whether or not they can handle the truth. I don't think all bs can handle it. It might just be that I'm extremely over sensitive today...but is this really happening?
Athens Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 I think that when you were writing this it came from a good place?? Of course, maybe my point was not clear- live for you because what I have discovered, as hard as it might be-we have to do this to protect ourselves against whatever life throws at us- I feel stronger and more confident in all of my relationships and I am a better person because of it-of course, I still have weak moments but they are fewer, shorter and much further in between- We all deserve happiness and peace- hope you find yours- 1
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