sbcjac Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 I am in the middle of a marital crisis. My wife and I are in our early 40s with 2 kids. We have had a large amount of stress in our lives for years (huge kid health issues requiring much $ and altered diets, 5 moves in 7 years, a failed startup business). We have been through a lot together, and it has usually been stressful and unhealthy. I can't say I have been there for her because of all the stress and unhealthy ways of management. We have been growing apart, and I had not been making as much effort as I should have been. I finally realized that I had to start trying to meet her needs and be a nicer person to her and my kids by wanting to spend more quality time with them and not getting angry at minor issues. I started to make positive changes, yet my wife and I started sleeping in different rooms (she says that started because I snore and keep her up) and our interactions were waning. At the same time, one of our dogs got sick and we wound up having to put her down. In all the sadness and mourning, I decided it was time for me to talk with my wife about my desire to be close to her again and to try to meet each other's needs. The conversation resulted in a bomb-shell -- she replied that she was no longer in love with me and that she wanted a separation. I listened to her and tried to understand where it was coming from. She basically said years of failing to listen to what she wanted and me being constantly in a bad mood from all the stress in our lives. It was amazing to me that I had finally started to do the things I knew she wanted and now it was too late. I stayed up that night doing lots of research. I bought "the Divorce Remedy" which helped me understand what was going on. I took advice and decided to keep making positive changes and hope she would come around. All was going steady for about a week. I was not being needy of her, giving her space, taking primary care of the kids and telling her positive things. She seemed to be noticing. Then, a few friends of ours from our new community (latest move) came by at her planning. The people here are pretty laid-back, very nice but party a lot -- drinking and marijuana. We have also done that to excess for a few years, and it has been a part of our connection to other people. Since our dog began getting sick, I have stopped (and told my wife the same). That night, she got ripped. I tried to get her more sober. While I was talking with a friend, my wife went into the garage. After a few minutes, I got concerned since she did not return. I went into the garage, and saw the door partly up and her feet outside. I also saw feet across from her and then her go up to the other body very close. Then the other body stuck its head under the garage door -- it was a single dad friend of our who I thought my wife has had a crush on (he is very sweet and spend a lot of time with us). He saw me and asked if everything was OK. Went outside, he left and my wife started telling me how "nothing happened." I left for a walk to calm down since I knew she must have tried to kiss him. When I got back, she was crying to girlfriend. At some point, she began talking with our guy friend and I went over. She asked him to tell me that there was nothing going on between them, which he did. He and I spoke and said that he is both of our friends and does not want to be in the middle of our marriage. I told him where we were, and he felt sad for me -- saying that from the outside, he would never have known. He reiterated that he will never come between us. This is even more complicated because our kids are best friends -- both my wife and I will need to see him quite often. My wife spent the night at a couple's house, and in the morning came home. My efforts fell apart that day due to what had happened. I was very upset and acting more needy of her assurances (something I knew I should not be doing). After her again reaffirming her desire for a separation, and me saying that I will continue to try everything I can to save our marriage and turn it around, she finally confessed to having growing romantic feelings toward our friend and her remorse that she had gotten drunk and proceeded to ruin all the friendships by her actions. She stated that she needed to not drink to excess and that she decided to not act on her feelings for the friend for a variety of reasons. I actually felt relieved at her confession, since I had sensed her attraction to him previously -- it confirmed that at least my intuition works. I spent the rest of the day honoring her wishes for space. Then, toward the evening, she stated she wanted to give me a hug. We hugged (1st time in weeks) and cried a bunch. I went downstairs to my room and fell asleep. I am now wide awake at 3am and focusing on the "almost affair." I know I should not, given that it is unhealthy for me to do so (not just for me, but it also starts making me feel needy, which is not what our relationship can tolerate now). I am lost at where we are as a family and as individuals. I don't want a divorce, and I am planning on seeking coaching (not counseling) for myself -- someone who specializes in marital issues. She has already said she will not see a counselor with me but may want to see one separately. There has got to be a way to reduce the tension in our household -- I know our kids sense it, and my wife and I are definitely each in crisis. I have already asked to be the primary contact with the male friend for play dates for the kids (she has agreed on principle, but said it still felt like I was being controlling in asking for that instead of her simply volunteering it). I have not yet contacted him to let him know this. I could use some advice on how to handle this situation in a healthy way so that I give my marriage the best chance at healing.
Mr. Lucky Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 I could use some advice on how to handle this situation in a healthy way so that I give my marriage the best chance at healing. You are at the first few steps of a journey that will define the word "unpredictable". Three small pieces of advice: 1). Focus on yourself and your kids. Be the best parent you can be through this difficult time regardless of outcome. Keep your own physical and mental health up (avoiding pot and booze is a good call) as you'll need the stamina and clarity. 2). See an attorney for an initial consultation so you'll understand the legal implications of any steps you might take - for instance, moving out of the house - on the road to either separation or reconciliation. Understand those two aren't mutually exclusive concepts. 3). Continue the positive, hands-off approach with your wife. Google the "180 method". Accept that, as she's making her own decisions in her self-interest, so must you make yours. Good luck and keep posting. Many of us have been down the same road and have much support to give... Mr. Lucky 2
Author sbcjac Posted May 6, 2013 Author Posted May 6, 2013 Thank you for the advice Mr. Lucky. I have not read the 180 method yet, but I will (I assume it is the same as what is contained in the book I have read -- The Marriage Remedy -- in that I am supposed to do the opposite and behave the opposite of how I was before). I am back (with much effort and still much hurt) to acting non-needy and self reliant today. I have contacted the other guy friend of ours and said I am trying to save my marriage and want to now be the prime contact for play dates with our kids. I was up front with him on what is going on and he again assured me nothing happened with him and my wife, that he is just our friends and he himself feels bad about being in this situation and about how it is effecting us. I have arrange to meet with him face to face tomorrow and I am going to further take charge of our future interactions, but I know I can only control what I do and not what my wife chooses to do. An interesting thing occurred yesterday after I started to back-off from pestering my wife. I went into her room to get a pillow for my bed, and she asked if she could give me a hug. I said, "any time" and we hugged for a minute and cried. I am not sure what the heck that meant, what it was motivated by or whether there is anything I should even read into it. All I know is it felt good and was a more intimate connection than anything between us in months. I still hope for some form of reconciliation. I start work by myself with a marriage coach tomorrow who will help guide my efforts. I have identified certain friends and people to confide in who will be loyal to me and a good sounding board. I don't know what tomorrow brings, and I need to find a way to stop worrying about it. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 I have not read the 180 method yet, but I will (I assume it is the same as what is contained in the book I have read -- The Marriage Remedy -- in that I am supposed to do the opposite and behave the opposite of how I was before). Copied from another thread, here are the "180" steps: 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! 2. No frequent phone calls, texts, emails 3. Do not point out good points in marriage 4. Do not follow them around the house 5. Do not encourage talk about the future 6. Do not ask for help from family members 7. Do not ask for reassurances 8. Do not buy gifts 9. Do not schedule dates together 10. Do not spy on spouse 11. Do not say "I Love You" 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends,etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) 21. Never lose your cool 22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic 23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger) 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you 26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil) 28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel 34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes Mr. Lucky 1
Gunny376 Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 (edited) and I need to find a way to stop worrying about it. Then quit worrying about it! I mean that literally, figuratively and in every sense of the word. Worrying is a learned trait that we picked up along the way somewhere along the way from our youthful innocence to adulthood. Its a complete waste of time, effort, energy, etc in every way. It accomplishes nothing, it achieves nothing, it un-does nothing, it changes nothings ~ zilch ~ nada. You simply cannot make someone you love you that doesn't love you! You cannot make someone be with you if they don't want to be with you! You cannot make someone do something that don't want to do? You cannot stop someone from doing something that they want to do? The Heart wants what one's heart wants! If you try and do the above, all your going to accomplish is to drive them away, and alienate them further than you already have. The harder you pursue ~ the harder they will run away. Its part of the natural "fight or flight" response to any real or perceived threat. Worrying has a lot to do with the true definition of the word "If" "If grasshoppers had Colt .45 caliber pistols? Crows wouldn't mess with them! But they don't!! And so crows eat them for breakfast!, lunch and dinner!" There's no need nor sense in worrying about something that you've no control over, nor can do anything about nor have any say in? At the end of the day? There's really only two things to worry about? And that's if your healthy or not? If your healthy? You've nothing to worry about! But, if your not healthy? You've STILL only two things to worry about? If your going to live or die? If you live? You've got nothing to worry about? But if you die? You've still only have just two things to worry about? Whether your going to go Heaven or Hell? If you go to Heaven? You've got nothing to worry about! And if you go to Hell? Hell it won't matter because you'll be so busy saying "Hello" and shaking hands with all your friends and relatives? It won't even matter! :lmao: Edited May 7, 2013 by Gunny376 2
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