cinta_satu Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 My Story Man I really wish I had visited this forum a few months back. It would have saved me some of the heartache and depression. Well here's my story and I would appreciate any advice or comments. When it all began - March 2010. When it ended - Dec 2012. When my life turned upside down - March 2013 We started dating back in 2010 and things were great. I was a senior in college and she was a sophmore, but I am only a year older than her age wise. She was my first gf and I was her first bf. Things were great from the get go. We didn't play any of the usual mind games or anything like that. I was straightforward and honest about what I wanted and she appreciated it and felt the same way. We got really close and attached very quick. A little over a month later there was no doubt that we had fallen in love. Everything was great, we both got to know each others friends. My friends loved her and her friends loved me. We were open about everything. As the days and months went by we fell even deeper in love and we both knew that we were committed and serious about this relationship. I absolutely loved taking care of her, spoiling her in any way I could, and surprising her with little things. I didn't do any of these things expecting something in return - I just loved her so much and I still do. Also, neither of our parents knew. We're both Indian (Asian) and have conservative parents. Also, a little bit about me. I was born and raised in South East Asia. I finished my schooling there and left to come to the US for college at the age of 17. Throughout the year we both faced some tough times outside of our relationship with school, finances etc. and we both supported each other and got each other through it. I had a lot going on and I feel so blessed to have had her stick by my side and get me through it instead of leaving me because I had 'baggage'. Also, getting through everything brought us so much closer. I was graduating in Dec 2010 and unfortunately I was not able to land a job since the economy wasn't doing to well. Since I had graduated my US visa was about to expire so I had to leave after graduation. We both had talked about this happening earlier and were ready to deal with it. We didn't even have to discuss it as neither of us wanted to end something so great. And we both knew that it was only a matter of time until I would be back again in the US. I'll never forget hugging her and kissing her goodbye on my last day - still brings tears to my eyes. I was back home with my family and I talked to her everyday morning and night. It was a 12 hour time difference. If she was away from a computer we texted non-stop (Thank you Gmail). We both struggled missing each other so much, but we comforted each other. The LDR eventually turned into something amazing. We realized how much we were able to love each other and still connect with each other even though we were on opposite ends of the world. I started a graduate program overseas in August 2011 as it seemed like the best option at the time. We both knew it was going to be 2 years before I was going to return to the States. Yes it sucked, but she always comforted me saying "I'll always wait for you no matter what, no matter how long." She was simply amazing. She got close to my best friends in college and hung out with them. They took care of her and visited her. I always heard how tough LDR was, but I couldn't believe how our relationship was not only easy, but it was also amazing. We had little fights here and there, but nothing lasted more than 30 minutes. We never went to sleep without resolving something and telling each other how much we loved one another. By this point we had already talked about marriage, kids, where to live etc. It was almost as if we were engaged. She would call me her hubby or husband and things were great. Towards the end of 2011 she had started applying to graduate school - she wanted to be an optometrist. I helped her as much as I could. I would spend hours scouring the internet for resources, tips, etc. and I put together a simple and comprehensive guide for her. I went to forums and created accounts and posted questions to get first hand info from current students. I emailed the schools she was interested in and got as much info for her as I could. I helped through the application process and preparing for interviews. At the end of 2011 she got the good news and she had been accepted to her top choices. I was so happy for her and for us. That concluded a great 2011 and marked the 1 year we had been apart. 2012 started of great. She was in her last semester of college and I was getting through my masters program. Nothing had changed and we were still very much in love. I helped her with anything and everything I could and she did the same. Whenever either of us got stressed out we were able to help each other get through it. May 2012 she graduate college and she was back home with her family hanging out for the summer before she started optometry school in the Fall. Everything was great until June 2012. We were chatting as usual and out of the blue she says "I'm getting really scared and I'm having doubts. I don't know how to tell my parents when the time comes and on top of that I'm scared it's going to be tough to bring you along in to my new life when I start optometry school." I should point out that she is also Indian (Asia), but born and raised in the US. However, both our families are from different parts of India (North and South), which for some reason is still a big deal when it comes to marriage. I didn't freak out when she said this. I tried to calm her down saying that our parents only want what's best for us and what makes us happy. Yes, it will be tough initially, but it's nothing we can't get through and once we do we will have something amazing. She was able to calm down and told me she was sorry for freaking out. She told me how much she loved me for being able to talk through it with her and calm her down. Everything returned to normal, or so I thought. Two days later she started going through the same thing. "I'm having doubts again. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm forgetting what it's like to love you as a bf and I feel like I love you as a friend now. I think we should break up." I was shocked and we spent some time talking through it. I begged her to reconsider. I reminded her of all the amazing times we had and how our relationship was something so special and strong. I told her to take some time to think about it and really decide what she wants. The next day we talked again and the first thing she said was "I'm so sorry I can not believe I wanted to break up. I love you so much. I could never lose you. I don't know what I'd do without you." I didn't get mad or make her feel guilty at all. I made her stop crying because everytime she cried it hurt me so much and she has the cutest face that you never want to see cry. I told her that she just freaked out and it was bound to happen since we're humans and have emotions and there was nothing wrong with that. Things returned to normal and we started talking daily. Nothing had changed in the way we talked or about what we talked. For my birthday the next month she sent me an amazing card along with a couple of sexy pictures (it's something we did for each others birthdays). Everything was great and she was getting ready to move and start her first semester at optometry school. She started school and she struggled to settle in. She was stressed with the workload, but I was always able to get her to calm down and focus. She relied on my a lot and I was happy to be able to help her. The semester went by great, until December. Early December she was like "I'm starting to have doubts again. We need to talk." I told her sure let's talk, but she had finals the next week and I didn't want anything stressing her out so I told her to wait until her finals were done and she was home for Winter break. Those 2 weeks still felt great because we were talking daily, I surprised her with an Exam Care package, helped calm her down when she was stressed. She would still say things like "good night, love you". Dec. 25th, 2012 She was at home with her family for Christmas. We were having our usual conversation on chat and she says "I've been doing a lot of thinking and you're not going to like my decision." My heart dropped and I didn't say anything. She continued to say that she doesn't love me like a bf anymore and that she could never tell her parents about us since we weren't from the same parts of India. I asked her if there was a chance for us in the future and she said "No, I'm sure." I didn't beg or plead her this time. I was understanding and comforting. She also said that she wanted to remain close friends and talk like we normally do and text each other everyday. So we continued to do that and nothing felt different. As soon as she woke up she would text me good morning and we still used our nicknames for each other. On New years 2013 I texted her happy new year. She started crying saying that she didn't want to imagine a life without me. I comforted her and told her I'd always be there for her no matter what. Her winter break ended and she was back at school. We were still talking everyday and nothing had changed with the exception of saying "i love you". Also, I had gotten accepted to a research program in the US and I was going to be back in the US in August. She was happy for me, but didn't say anything else. She did say "Why can't you just get a job where I live?" I replied say who knows maybe I could. To which she said "That would be great, but we'd never get over each other." She also kept saying how it was going to take her at least a year to move one and that she doesn't want to date anyone for a while. I believed everything she said. She got busy with her semester and then came February. It was valentines day, but I didn't send her a card or flowers like I usually do since I didn't want her to think I was trying to get her back. She sent me a valentines day card saying "Thank you so much for loving me more than anyone else ever can and making me happier than anyone else can. I'll never feel as comfortable or happy with anyone as I did with you." I replied with a funny card and told her thank you. She had her spring break at the end of Feb and early March for which she went home. She hung out with a few of her college friends one weekend. Later that week she texted me saying "I don't think it's a good idea for us to talk this much. We need to stop talking the way we do. It's not helping us move on." I got a little pissed and told her that it was her idea that we remain close and help each other move on. She was very aware of the fact that I was all alone on the other side of the world with no friends to seek comfort in. She got angry was told me she needed her space. I said ok and we didn't talk for a couple of days. I wasn't able to take it and I kept texting her throughout the week and kept getting annoyed. Later that weekend I was really upset and I made the mistake of sending her a long email pouring my heart in to it and asking her to give us another chance when I was back in the US. I also made the mistake of getting drunk right after I sent the email. I got home after a night of drinking and I saw that she had replied saying no she didn't want to and that she was happy with her final decision. Following this I made an even bigger mistake and called her while I was drunk. I poured my heart out, begged her, told her how much I loved her, cried my heart out, and basically tried everything. She cried and told she didn't want to talk to me. She got angry and she was like "The distance had nothing to do with it and I'm not attracted to you anymore." I didn't know what to say so I hung up. I woke up a few hours later and she had sent me an email saying a lot things. She was like 'I never want to be with you. I am sure of that. And I am happy with my decision I want to be with someone else. Please don't contact me for a while. If you keep harassing me then I never want you in my life." I was heartbroken and in pain, but I didn't contact her. She also put me on limited profile on facebook and changed her relationship status to Single (which I couldn't see. I found out when my friends started asking me if everything was ok). Turns out she had met a guy the last week of Feb before her spring break, but I didn't know about this until April. I spent 3 weeks in pain hoping that something would change. I reached out to all my friends for comfort, but it was only through email. I tried partying, drinking, but nothing helped. I didn't contact her for 3 weeks and then the beginning of April I sent her a funny link for Aprils fools. She replied saying it was funny and continued to say "I wanted to let you know that I started talking to someone. I know you probably think it's too soon and I'm sorry. Please don't contact me unless it's important." For the first time in my life I went into complete shock. I sat there reading it over and over again shaking. I finally texted her saying "We need to talk." She got online and the conversation wasn't good. I was emotional and not in control. I asked her how could she move on so easily like that and she goes "I wasn't looking for it. It just happened. And I tried to break up with you in June and we're just not meant to be. I'm not marrying this guy and we're not where you and I were so calm down. I'll update you when I feel the time is right." I felt like she had been using me all along and I got angry and was like "I hope you two have a good life. I guess you picked the right guy this time someone that your parents would approve of." I spent the next month in depression drinking and smoking my pain away. All the while she was dating her new guy and uploading pictures of them with captions saying "Life is good." I didn't contact her the entire month. I finally got myself together and put down the bottle and smokes. My health had worsened and I felt weak, couldn't sleep and had a stress induced seizure. I wanted to get myself together and for the last two weeks I've been forcing myself to eat healthy and work out everyday. I do feel a bit better physically, but mentally I'm not quite there yet - trying to stay strong though. I've been having dreams of her getting married to her current guy. Last week out of the blue she chatted me. I didn't want to ignore her so I talked to her. The conversation only last 15 minutes but it was civil. Her reason was she wanted to "check in on me", but we mostly talked about how she had been really sick for the past week and stressed out because exams were coming. She also told me her coursin was pregnant and I asked how her family was etc. I told her to take care of herslef, get rest, and not stress too much about her exams. She thanked me and that was it. She didn't mention her current bf. I led myself to believe that she chatted me because she missed me when she was sick and needed me to feel better. I also assumed that things weren't going that well between her and her current guy. Well turned out I was wrong. I heard from a friend that 2 days later she had put up pictures kissing him on the cheeks and what not. This really broke my heart. She's not the type of girl to date casually or for fun. She wouldn't date anyone unless she saw it becoming serious. I can't help but build up the imagination of them getting married 2 years later. She also keeps updating her status on facebook saying things like "So glad to be done with exams and excited for the weekend. It's been a great year!" She told she wanted to catch up again this weekend, but didn't chat me because she was busy partying. I know she's not deliberately trying to hurt me, but I can't help but feel that way. I love this girl more than anything else in the world. There is nothing I wouldn't do for her. All I ever wanted was to wake up next to her everyday and do I what I could to put a smile on her face and remind her how loved she is. Our relationship was so special in every way. We haven't had sex because we wanted to wait until marriage, but we've done everything else. We had no secrets and no shame in front of each other. She's farted in front me and also everything you'd expect married couples to do. I haven't seen her in 2 years and I just want to hold her and kiss her on her forehead and tell her I love her. I don't mean to sound cocky, but I was a great boyfriend. I never did anything to hurt her in anyway. I made so many random romantic gestures over the years to surprise her. I hand wrote her cards and poems and she used to cry after reading them. We had such an amazing and special relationship. One of my best friends who hated relationships and only wanted to get laid came up to me and told me "Dude, I think I want a girlfriend. I want what you have." What she did really tore me apart and broke down my self esteem. I used to be pretty confident about myself. I'm smart, I have a degree in engineering, I have a lot of exposure to various cultures and countries, I speak 4 languages, I have a great sense of humor (witty with a touch of sarcasm), I'm social and liked by all my friends, I care about everyone, never hurt anyone, never been an ******* to anyone, and I've been told that I have a great smile and pretty eyes. I've never intentionally used people for my benefit, and I always try to help everyone I can. My roommate for the last 2 years told me that I have had more of a positive influence on him than anyone else and he has learned more from me in a year than anyone else in the last 10 years. I don't really know how to proceed or what to do. I wish I had reached out sooner for advice. I don't know if this is GIGS or what. I don't know if there is a chance in the future considering she told me "I never want to be with you." I don't know if she's in a rebound, but in my mind it doesn't seem like a rebound. She found a guy who her parents would approve of, and he lives in the city as her with a stable job. Basically everything I lacked. Oh and he's taller. I really believe what we had was true and pure love. And we were best friends. It was just simply amazing. I want to keep working on improving myself and returning to normal. I'll do everything I can to not reach out to her. What do I do if she chats me? What if she wants to be friends? Any thoughts would be appreciated. Best,
Author cinta_satu Posted May 6, 2013 Author Posted May 6, 2013 Thanks for your reply. I agree that sex is a big part of being intimate, but we were still intimate is lots of other ways. There were times where we would just hug each other and lay in bed for a while. So I don't think it was that big of a factor. As for her being surrounded by guys, she was very open about who she talked to and who her friends were. We didn't have any issues of jealousy or trust. She doesn't drink a lot when she goes out and she's not the flirty type. And the first year of LDR she was still in college at a big party school and we had no issues. And it's not that our families don't like each other. Our families don't even know. Earlier in our relationship this was never an issue because she was so confident that we could get through that and make our families understand. She's just using it as an excuse now. Also, she met her current bf 2 months after she dumped me. I realize that I made the mistake of not going NC from the day she dumped me. I was a fool to think that we could still remain "close friends" and eventually win her back - even though being friends was her idea. I don't know if it's a case of GIGS or if she's in a rebound now, but I don't want to torture myself trying to find out. Part of me still believes that what we had is true love. I don't want to hang on to false hope and break down again a few years down the road, but I can't deny the love we had. One thing is for sure though - there is no one out there who would work as hard as I would to do everything I can to make her feel loved, special, and happy. Oh well, I'm planning on going NC the next time she contacts me. My plan is to tell her something along the lines of : "It's always great to hear from you, but I don't think it's good for both of us to stay in contact. I need to be a little selfish and do what I think is best for me and also for you. I can't stand on the side and watch you replace what we had. And having me in your life, even a small part of it, is not going to do you or your new relationship any good. I think it's best we don't talk unless it's something important and we can't stay in each others lives. I don't know what the future holds, but for now I feel like it's the right thing to do. If you have a good reason for wanting me in your life, I'm willing to hear you out. I will always care about you, be there for you, and there is nothing I wouldn't do for you. I'll always be proud of you for everything you've accomplished and will accomplish. Take care of yourself and I wish you a world of happiness. Thank you for everything you've done for me and giving me the most amazing 3 years." Thanks again for your support and feedback.
Els Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 Hey, A little late, I know, but I see you haven't received any productive responses (the guy who responded to you was probably perma-banned for trolling, hence his missing posts), I'll give it a shot. Caveat: I have mostly skimmed through your post. Dude, I know you want to pour your heart out, and I can understand that, but people have short attention spans. Especially on the internet. Try summarizing it at the end next time, you might get more responses. I hope you're feeling better, and I want to reiterate that LDRs are never easy. Not on anyone. The vast majority of them break up. Yes, a few succeed, but there is no shame in a LDR that you tried and failed. I'm not even talking about cheating or foul play. It's just difficult to maintain closeness when you can't go on dates IRL, can't hug or talk in person, can't touch them and hold them, and are at the mercy of technology and timezones. As you well know. I'm fairly sure that I know where you're from, based on your post and your username, so my advice is: Heal, pick yourself up, and be sure to still take up on the grad school offer in the US, even if the girl you wanted to be with doesn't want you anymore. The US economy ain't great, but it's going to be a much better place for your future than your homeland. There will be other girls in grad school. Chin up.
Author cinta_satu Posted May 9, 2013 Author Posted May 9, 2013 Elswyth, Thank you for your reply. Yea I realized my post was extremely long, but I guess I didn't want to skip out on any details haha. I definitely agree with you that LDRs are not easy. We were together for about a year before we had to go LDR. And even through 2 years of LDR there was never the slightest hint that she was losing interest. We always talked about how difficult it is, but that we would get through it. And she always reassured me that she would always love me and would be there at the airport when I came back. What really crushed me is that I felt used and played towards the end. She broke up with me and then insisted that we remain close and talk like we used to and move on slowly. The moment she met someone else, she tossed me out and she didn't tell me that she had met someone until a month later. It was so out of her character. This was the same girl who a week before this was freaking out when I didn't reply to her text for an hour because I was out. I'm definitely working on picking myself up and improving myself. And I am most definitely taking up the grad school offer. I will be shifting my focus entirely on my career and myself for now. I'm sure there will be girls in grad school haha. And I never had any trouble talking to girls, but she was just so special and we were perfect for each other in every way. Thank you again for reading through everything haha. I really appreciate it.
Els Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 No probs. It sounds like you're recovering well, and on the right track. That's very, very good. I genuinely feel for you because it sounds like you put a lot of effort into your LDR, and it hurts to lose the 2 years of investment. I was in a failed LDR before, so I have a rough idea of how that feels - although it lasted less than a year. In your case, I agree that she had lost interest quite some time ago, but she was just hanging on for the sake of having someone. I felt the way you did when my LDR crashed and burned, but I met someone better after that, whom I might not have opened my heart up to if I had still been in my previous LDR. So, sometimes things happen for a reason. Good luck with grad school!
Author cinta_satu Posted May 9, 2013 Author Posted May 9, 2013 In your case, I agree that she had lost interest quite some time ago, but she was just hanging on for the sake of having someone. I really want to believe this, but I'm having a hard time convincing myself of this. She never went complacent or showed signs of losing interest. She was always there for me, surprised me with little things, wanted to see my face on skype etc. And then everything changes. To be completely honest I feel like I don't know who she is anymore. I am almost certain that she is not the person she was 3 months ago. But dwelling on the past isn't going to help me any. It doesn't matter what she said six months ago. It doesn't matter that she called me her husband numerous times. What matters is now and the future, which is what I will be focusing on. Thanks again for your kind words.
Els Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 But dwelling on the past isn't going to help me any. It doesn't matter what she said six months ago. It doesn't matter that she called me her husband numerous times. What matters is now and the future, which is what I will be focusing on. Thanks again for your kind words. Very right. As it seems you're definitely on the right path, I have no further advice left to give. It was good to talk to a fellow countryman, though - you're the second that I've seen in my 5+ years here. All the best, you deserve it.
Author cinta_satu Posted May 9, 2013 Author Posted May 9, 2013 Terima Kasih. I will keep pushing harder to get through this. Good luck to you too. 1
Cutiepie1976 Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 She has been telling you for a year (since June 2012) that her feelings changed, and she sees you as a friend not a boyfriend. She told you then that she wanted a fresh start in Optometry School and she didn't see bringing you into her new life. Each time she tried to end it, you talked her out of it and "persuaded" her to continue the LDR...until this last time when you finally accepted the inevitable. This wasn't a sudden change of heart over the last three months. You repeatedly refused to accept that she no longer shared your feelings. She doesn't seem confrontational in nature, and she probably didn't want to be more hurtful than necessary. Besides, since you're long distance, that removes the pressure of dealing with the physical aspects of dating someone she no longer finds attractive, so she went along each time you resisted rather than insisting that you accept her changed feelings. That is, until she actually met someone else she wanted to date exclusively. You should have given her space and let her go a year ago when she first confessed that she no longer shared your feelings. Experience will teach you that you can't convince someone to be attracted to you as a boyfriend when they no longer feel that way. You'll learn to accept that when someone says, I only see you as a good friend now, that the romantic relationship is definitively over. You cannot bribe your way back to boyfriend status through a surfeit of good deeds, no matter how well-intentioned. It doesn't work that way. You just set yourself up for even greater hurt. All couples have disagreements. It's a fairytale to think otherwise. FWIW, perfectly smooth sailing during an arrangement that most find incredibly stressful might be a sign that one person has completely disengaged emotionally. My advice would be to go no contact. Defriend her on Facebook, etc. Stop keeping tabs on what she's doing with her life and her new BF. Until you cut all ties, you aren't going to let go of the hope that she will somehow "come to her senses" and take you back because you were such a great boyfriend in your thinking. You've already lost one year of your life trying to salvage something that was dead. Don't lose a second or a third.
Author cinta_satu Posted May 9, 2013 Author Posted May 9, 2013 (edited) She has been telling you for a year (since June 2012) that her feelings changed, and she sees you as a friend not a boyfriend. She told you then that she wanted a fresh start in Optometry School and she didn't see bringing you into her new life. Each time she tried to end it, you talked her out of it and "persuaded" her to continue the LDR...until this last time when you finally accepted the inevitable Thank you for reading through my story and replying. I do agree with what you are saying. However, during that moment last June after trying to convince and plead, I let her go because I didn't want to force love. She came back the next day and assured me that she had just freaked out and can't believe that she wanted to break up. She, on her own accord, told me that she could not imagine a life without me. She told me she spoke to a friend and was able to see more clearly what she wanted and that was to stay together. She went out of her way to send me surprises for my birthday which was a month after this - and these weren't things that you'd give to someone you weren't romantically involved with. And it wasn't that she wanted a "fresh start" - she was just afraid it would be difficult to bring along a relationship into grad school. And she only tried to end it twice and I accepted it the 2nd time. And it wasn't that we never had our share of disagreements. We did argue and occasionally fight, but it was never anything big that wasn't resolved within the hour. And we never left a conversation on a bad note holding on to those feelings over night or throughout the day. We always made sure we resolved things and comforted each other. After she broke up with me last December, she insisted that we remain close friends and talk like we used to. I did try to distance myself slightly in the beginning, but she noticed and ended up crying and really upset. But the past is gone now, and it doesn't matter what she said or did. As of now she "never wants to be with me". I have to accept that. Do I still have a little bit of hope in the back of my mind? Yes, but hopefully that will start to disappear with time. Thanks again for taking the time to read. I appreciate it. Edited May 9, 2013 by cinta_satu
Cutiepie1976 Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 (edited) It wasn't a "moment" last June as you are now claiming. It wasn't just one attempt to break up, with you accepting the second either. That not what you stated in your OP. Perhaps citing relevant parts of the OP might help? ... ATTEMPT #1: Everything was great until June 2012. We were chatting as usual and out of the blue she says "I'm getting really scared and I'm having doubts. I don't know how to tell my parents when the time comes and on top of that I'm scared it's going to be tough to bring you along in to my new life when I start optometry school." ... I didn't freak out when she said this. I tried to calm her down saying that our parents only want what's best for us and what makes us happy. Yes, it will be tough initially, but it's nothing we can't get through... ATTEMPT #2: Everything returned to normal, or so I thought. Two days later she started going through the same thing. "I'm having doubts again. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm forgetting what it's like to love you as a bf and I feel like I love you as a friend now. I think we should break up." I was shocked and we spent some time talking through it. I begged her to reconsider. I reminded her of all the amazing times we had and how our relationship was something so special and strong. I told her to take some time to think about it and really decide what she wants. ATTEMPT #3: Everything was great and she was getting ready to move and start her first semester at optometry school. She started school and she struggled to settle in. She was stressed with the workload, but I was always able to get her to calm down and focus. She relied on my a lot and I was happy to be able to help her. The semester went by great, until December. Early December she was like "I'm starting to have doubts again. We need to talk." I told her sure let's talk, but she had finals the next week and I didn't want anything stressing her out so I told her to wait until her finals were done and she was home for Winter break. Those 2 weeks still felt great because we were talking daily, I surprised her with an Exam Care package, helped calm her down when she was stressed. She would still say things like "good night, love you". ATTEMPT #4 (where you finally accept what she had been saying for months): Dec. 25th, 2012 She was at home with her family for Christmas. We were having our usual conversation on chat and she says "I've been doing a lot of thinking and you're not going to like my decision." My heart dropped and I didn't say anything. She continuedto say that she doesn't love me like a bf anymore and that she could never tell her parents about us since we weren't from the same parts of India. Each time in the OP, you "calm" her down / beg her / bribe her with favors, claim things are wonderful (from your perspective), then seem blindsided and shocked that the same conversation arises again. Learn to take people at their word. Don't insist they take a couple of days to "rethink" what they really mean because you don't like what the person is saying. She tried over and over to end it, and each time you refused to accept it. She didn't strike me as the type to bring this up on a whim each time. When someone no longer sees you as a boyfriend, the romantic relationship is over. Period. That's the lesson. No matter how long you continue on with all the little favors you were performing, racheting up the care packages and what not to bribe her to reconsider, or try to delay her attempts at having the conversation, the outcome will remain the same. All the "calming," begging, convincing, whatever you want to call it, won't change the inevitable. That's a lesson you will eventually learn. Learn to let the person go gracefully. It's in your own best interest. It only takes one person to end a relationship. By last June you were a good friend. You refused to accept that, and instead invested even more heavily in something that was dead. Breakups are easier when you recognize and accept the end rather then attempting to drag things out to try and manipulate the outcome in your favor. It's hard to believe right now, but you will meet someone else even more special in your future. But first you have to let go. Edited May 9, 2013 by Cutiepie1976
Author cinta_satu Posted May 9, 2013 Author Posted May 9, 2013 Hey Cutiepie1976, Thanks again for replying to my thread. So I went back through all my conversations with her since last June so I could give you a more accurate idea of what happened. I mean I've accepted that it's over, but I guess I can't help myself from trying to analyze what exactly happened. I would take attempts 1&2 as a single attempt. I didn't actually beg or convince her after attempt 1. Based on looking at my conversation with her it was more of her coming to me looking for comfort and a way to calm her anxiety. The issue with parents was something we had talked about frequently and figured out how to deal with. Yes, I did beg and plead after attempt 2 but that was initially. I looked at our conversation and when it ended I had accepted it and told her I'll respect it if that's what she wanted. I also read our conversations for the next 2-3 days. She told me out of her own volition that she really made a mistake and she was just really afraid. She told me she loved me more than ever and never wanted to leave me. I didn't send her any long emails begging or pleading. I was still skeptical and I asked her again 2 days later and she reassured me that it was a momentary thing. You say that I've been a friend since last June. But throughout all of July she definitely didn't treat me as just a friend. I didn't send her any gifts or letters. I can assure you that I was definitely not just a 'friend' from June - Dec. (I don't want to spell out all the details on here haha). Not to mention her numerous talks of having kids together, etc. When it came to attempt 3, I sort of already accepted it as I didn't argue with her. I told her to wait until her exams were own for her own sake since I didn't want this to affect her studying. The reason I sent her a Care Package was because she kept telling me how she wished she had snacks while she studied. I didn't expect any extra brownie points. She also took a picture of it and put it up on facebook for everyone to see - I don't know why you would do that if you were planning on breaking up. Attempt 4 I didn't say anything. I didn't get upset at her or anything. I just accepted her wish and agreed with her. My only regret here is not going NC right away. I obliged when she insisted that we remain close and talk daily. This ended up hurting me a ton in the long run. There were times when she questioned herself whether she made the right decision, but I only comforted her and didn't try to manipulate her into coming back to me. And I know for sure that she was never unhappy in the relationship. Even after she broke up she always told me that the last 3 years have been the most amazing and happiest of her life. So it wasn't just great from my perspective. After she broke up she would keep telling me "No one can love me as much as you do and make me as happy as you do." I hope she wasn't lying about that because she really didn't have any reason to. I hope you don't think I'm trying to argue with you that you're wrong and I'm right. I just want to get a clearer picture of what happened. I never forced the relationship on her. I love her way too much for that. During attempt 1/2 I don't see myself as 'forcing' her to stay. I believe that every relationship goes through a rough patch of uncertainty and you have to talk about it. Unfortunately for me, that rough patch never quite went away completely. I do believe a big factor was the distance. I haven't seen her in 2 years and I feel like that played a part. But I am moving on now. I'm definitely not ready to start seeing or building interest in someone else, but I would like to focus on myself. I do hope I get another chance with her in the future because I genuinely believe we were perfect for each other and made for each other. Btw, I'm not sure if NC or LC is the best approach to take here. I do not plan on contacting her, but should she contact me I'm not sure what to do. Thank you again for talking through this with me.
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