rights of the non-abused

[jewler]

I would appreciate some advice on this situation that is plaguing me. I am going with a woman who has been abused and raped at some earlier point in her life. she is still in counseling and is a psyche major, and when we first met, being of curious nature concerning her life, education, etc., i began to ask about psychology, etc. and why she didnt pursue this. she said it brought up too many memories, etc. i asked her if she had ever been to a shrink, etc, ( just basically joking around), and she said yes and began to cry. i held her and told her that i was sorry that i had stepped on some unknown landmines in her life, and i hoped that one day she would trust me enough to let me help her in any way i could.

 

as this relationship developed over 6 months, i would sometimes hint about her depression to better understand what she was going through. She would always avoid this, and i never pushed; I just sort of asked out of curiosity. she was on anti-depressants (not regularly), and her moods would change periodically, she would begin to cry, etc. for no apparent reason to me. About 3 months ago, she all of a sudden began to distance herself from me, just as i wanted to see her more. she is 43 now, and has never married or had a successful relationship. She wanted to marry me, and thought that 6 months of a LDR was adequate for me to decide. but i felt that i needed to spend more time with her ( this was a LDR and we saw one another about 5 days/month on avg.). I loved her, but i always had a mistrust about her, mainly because i thought she was mainly concerned with marrying and having a kid as a life's goal and to satisfy her friends and mother. she is VERY aware of what others think, and all her friends are married. I believe she is after the symbolism of marriage rather than the substance of it, or else she would have shared more of her intimate self with me.

 

my question is, being that I know very little of her past and abuse, etc, is it too much to expect that she would discuss her past with me, since it will have effects on her, and consequently US, in a committed relationship?? Shouldnt someone who really wants to committ to someone owe them the complete truth about themselves, so that their relationship isnt built on a lie??

 

i can only imagine the hell she may be living with, but i think that a life mate should know about such things before being expected to make such a decision. I believe in complete honesty, and would still love her regardless of what she would tell me. i wouldnt want her to walk alone in the darkness with these demons. i probably couldnt help her other than to support her, but i need the honesty beforehand so that i can better understand her during certain times. i may be totally wrong and thats why i'm seking other opinions. Am i asking to much for a lifetime committment?? thanks

[uriel]

Yes, she should be willing to share more of that stuff with you if you're going to be a life partner. And yes, you are right to want to spend more direct, lived time with her before marriage. I recommend you go to couples counseling together for some time before marriage. This should help you to explore more emotional intimacy in a controlled atmosphere.

 

It's okay if your fiance still has some boundaries. No need to relive the details of the abuse or rape. But, she should be able to express to you how that's still affecting her and what impact it has on her ability to relate.

 

-- uriel

[moimeme]

You absolutely need to spend more time together before ever making a decision to marry. You're also correct about emotional intimacy. If she doesn't feel she can be open and honest with you then she doesn't feel close enough to you to be marrying you, IMHO.

[jewler]

thanks for the replies. this is just my gut feeling and god knows i'm not an expert. we are quickly growing apart now, and she is just shutting down. sometimes she just emails like nothing has happened and totally glosses over my questions, and i have told her basically that she will have to give trust if she ever expects to get it. I have trust issues also, i know, not based on any perceived trauma in my life, but rather from observations of life in general and the experiences of others. My heart want to trust her, but my head and gut are screaming at me not to go there yet until i feel that she will confide in me. maybe i am asking for the impossible, and i believe that she believes her problems are her own and will not affect our relationship. i know better than that.

 

any suggestions of what to do to get her to open up?? time is not on my side. i dont really know what she will do -- she has never had a succesful relationship up until now, and i believe the other guys just left and really didnt care anyway. she may be lumping me into the same category. i have read hokey religion's suggestions on the other forum as to how to start this conversation, but she avoids any confrontation at all cost, and gets very upset and mad if you even suggest that she may be part of the problem. she is the consumate victim, and seems to eventually allienate everybody over time, even her new neighbors.

 

i dont know if i should put more pressure on her-- i think she will just pull totally away. If we just keep on trading water and waiting, time will run out for her goal of having a child and i feel like i would the the object of blame for that. Is her past the reason that a 43 year old woman that wants kids as much as she seems to , has never married? i have never married either, but honestly i have travelled a lot and wanted to wait until later when i settle down in one place- i just have never felt that an absent mate is conducive to a lasting relationship. I thought i had found a jewel in her since she had no ex's and no baggage---but it seems she may have th eentire luggage dept. i would like to help her carry the load, i just would like to know how and how much. thanks

[Moose]

any suggestions of what to do to get her to open up??

 

Listen, it's extremley hard for someone like your wife to set down with her SO and re live moments such as these. You have to prepare her for this.

 

I wouldn't dare think about opening up to my wife about the abuse I went through. First off, even though she says she wouldn't think any less of me, as a man, that subconsciencley I'll be knocked down a peg or two. I was afraid that she'd think I was a coward for leaving at 15 years old and left my siblings and Mom there to deal with him. I was afraid that if she knew about the emotional baggage I was carrying that she'd conclude that she didn't need to deal with this and decide not to pursue a relationship with me. You can tell her that all these things won't happen until you're blue in the face, but it won't shake her fear that it's possible you will.

 

So what I think you need to do is sometime this weekend, set her down, explain to her that you're at a point in this relationship where things are going to have to come out. All the cards need to be placed on the table so you can see what you're being delt. Explain to her that the decision you're ultimatley going to make is a LIFE long decision, one that can't be taken lightly at all. Let her know that you need to learn what happened to her during the years of her abuse. DON'T, start talking about it though! And this is why. If you do, She's going to feel like you cornered her into this, and will immediatley go on the defensive. She won't be prepared at all to let it out.

 

INSTEAD:

 

Allow, HER, to choose a date......maybe a week or two from now, that she will be willing to sit down with you and tell you whatever it is you want to know. It's important that you let her choose when, and that she realizes, that on that date, she'll have to reveal everything to you. Explain to her that this life long decision you're having to come to involves carrying some of her load, and you're just getting an idea on which areas to take the steriods for.

 

By letting her choose, and by her understanding what the purpose of this meeting is, she should be completley difused and ready to open up.

 

Be easy on her, she feels .5 tall whenever she has to live through it again. I'm lucky in some ways, I can't remember awhole lot of my life before I was 16 years old.....I blocked it all out of my mind.....your wife may not be so fortunate.

[jewler]

thanks moose for the good advice.

 

i have always thought that she was failing to tell me something, thinking that if i knew something about her that i would leave. i have even asked her this one time, and got no response. i understand that this is traumatic for her beyond my understanding. I really dont want the details of the events or anything--i realy only want her to acknowledge to me that something happened that affects her emotionally, and should be something that i need to know about for certain times in her life.

 

i have been reading a lot of forums, and read one where a woman that was raped had flashbacks of this when having sex with her husband when he innocently did something in the bedroom, and the woman couldnt get over it and they separated. she hadnt informed her husband of what happened beforehand, so that he could be aware of the problem and adjust. i couldnt stand bearing the burden of something like that which i could have avoided if i had known.

 

I just dont think that she realizes that this is something that a SO should know about before a committment can be made. like you said, this is LIFE we are talking, and i for one dont take that lightly. what if i knew she wanted kids and i knew beforehand that i was sterile, wouldnt that be something that i would have a duty to tell her?? i think this is the same, although more difficult to her, but nevertheless, necessary. its really the notion that she would be willing to marry me without full disclosure. this is just deceptive to me, and i cant begin something like this on a deception.

 

This is a serious point in the relationship, not a casual acquaintance thing where she shouldnt reveal anything. i realize that she has low self esteem, and probably thinks that this revelation will reduce her to nothing in my eyes---she doesnt realize that this would really make her more of a giant in my eyes, having the will power to overcome this, as well as the leap of faith in me that i need to truly trust her. i have told her this in a roundabout way so as not to seem confrontational or giving her an ultimatum. But i think this is to deep for her , and she will end it and justify it in all sorts of ways before she will face this. i mailed her the other day and asked her to ask her counselor if her SO should know of her demons before they made a committment----i doubt if she will ask or if i will ever get an answer.

 

i believe like moimeme said, that she is not ready for a relationship, and doesnt fell close enough to me, even though i think i have come closer than anyone has before. her inability to ever get close is maybe the cause of why she has never had a successful relationship and married. i just wish i could shake her up to realize some things that in the future that would help her, even if it's not with me. i dont think she will ever find happiness if she doesnt. thanks for the comments