Lc1984 Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 Ok, so I posted yesterday about whether or not to see my ex and asking why he wanted to see me. I suppose I've realised that regardless of whether or not it's a good idea, I'm going to go. I've essentially started something I can't stop. The fact that I'm this anxious about it means it probably means more than just a drink and a catch up. And it's happening this Friday. What I'm going to do is document what I'm feeling and what happens over the next week prior to the 'catch up' and what I feel and go through after. For some background, we were best friends before we dated for four months, it was a difficult four months because we argued a lot where I was so insecure and where he was still in that stage where he wants to be with his friends all the time. We did both love each other a lot and wanted it to work but it didn't. He wouldn't talk to me at all for nearly 3 months and I reached out again about a month ago. I'm scared at the moment, that he's either seeing someone else or has someone else he wants to see. I'm scared that he sees this as just friends catching up which would mean he's over me. I'm scared this is going to pull me into a massive pit of depression after I've seen him and I know I'm not going to get what I want from seeing him. The more I'm typing the more this seems like a bad idea......
HJZ Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 I guess the right advice to give you would be...that you're probably not ready to see him yet if you feel that it could impact you that negatively if it goes wrong. However, I think the best you could do is to hope for the best, but PREPARE for the worst! 1
TaraMaiden Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 The more I'm typing the more this seems like a bad idea...... I could not agree with you more. Bad idea. Hugely bad. 2
thefooloftheyear Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 I could not agree with you more. Bad idea. Hugely bad. I agree.... He has nothing to lose...you, on the other hand... Be careful TFY
Author Lc1984 Posted May 6, 2013 Author Posted May 6, 2013 Thank you for your comments, I do know this is more than likely the wrong thing to do. Am I fooling myself that he is unlikely to want to meet me if he was with someone new? I just don't really know why he has agreed to meet up. It surprised me that he said yes. My head is such a mess right now.
TaraMaiden Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 Let me tell you what's happening here - and I think I'm a bit PMS, so it's going to sound harsh. You never went No Contact. You maintained and continued a connection with your ex. he is FRIEND-ZONING you. he thinks because you had a laugh and a joke and a bit of banter, that you are over him. THAT'S why he's agreed to meet. because he thinks you're open to being a buddy. Well that's the dumbest thing you've ever done. Because you cannot be a friend to someone you're still heart-crushingly in love with. All you're doing now is fretting and hoping and guessing and wondering - and he frankly gives a phukk because as far as he's concerned, you've moved on, and this is just a social call.... right? WRONG!! Cancel this meeting at once - tell him something';s come up, anything - but tell him also that while you're still desperately in love with him, you realise a get-together is out of the question, because all you want is for him to wipe out the past and pick you up where you left off.... he told you it wass 'all or nothing'. From his end, there's nothing there - except being friends. For you - posting in the 'second chnaces' forum - well, we all know what you're hoping for. And it's not going to happen. He may not be seeing anyone else - but as far as he's concerned, meeting a friend for a drink is all it is. Back off and go No Contact, immediately. Read my signature. And weep. But for your own sake - do NOT do this.
Author Lc1984 Posted May 6, 2013 Author Posted May 6, 2013 That was really harsh. I know I put a question on the forum and I don't want things sugar coated but wow. We did actually go no contact for a little over two months. I don't actually know if I'm still in love with him which is why I feel the need to find out. I'm not sure you've based your answer on what I actually wrote, more that you seem to be really angry about something. It's my first ever time using a forum and it was my understanding that it was for advice and support not to be made to feel like an arsehole for feeling something. 1
TaraMaiden Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 Actually - in comparison to some previous posts - that wasn't all that harsh..... look - the fact that you're nervous about meeting the guy - the fact that you already think it's a bad idea - the fact that you're scared he may be seeing someone else and that he's 'over you' - the fact that you're scared of the possible depression pit - all these facts point to an indisputable one: You're in no fit emotional state to have your heart go through the wringer like this. Truly: You won't lose face if you cancel, admit why you're cancelling and keep him on the level. he deserves to know why you are backing out - but you deserve to give yourself the time you need to go full No Contact - until such a time as all of the above factors are irrelevant.
swiftly333 Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 Taramaiden could be right, or be way off.... The truth is on these boards people assert a lot of things, but take what they say with a heaping spoon of salt because they aren't psychics, experts, Oracle's, or anything. They are just people with strong opinions that they are basing off a few words on an internet forum and a crap ton of their own personal histories and beliefs. Ultimately, you need to do whatever you need to do for yourself. If your curious an want to see it through, then see it through. What I've learned lately is that w can spend endless hours trying t figure out what our ex is thinking, but you will never know! So there's no sense in over thinking it; it accomplishes nothing! (Other then possibly marking you sick with anxiety) I agree with HJZ. If you go, just be ready and open. Don't build up a bunch of romantic fantasies about it. It might just be what you need; you might meet up with him and discover it's not even something you want. If you think you're ready to accept whatever comes then do it. It's just a drink. It won't kill you if it goes badly. 1
crederer Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 I would suggest putting it off until you are ready. It doesn't sound like you are. What Tara was saying is pretty accurate. By ready I don't necessarily mean not wanting to be with him for good, but that you have your emotions fully in check and no matter what happens, you are not going to leave feeling worse off than before. If you get a rejection, it will have to be able to truly roll off your back like it is nothing. You can't just tell yourself it will be nothing, you have to know it through and through.
aisuru Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 Do you feel ready for this? You don't sound ready. What have you been doing to take care of yourself and move on since the breakup? What do you hope to accomplish from this breakup? I'm not a believer in No Contact forever, heck, for whatever strange reason, I've heard from 3 out of 5 ex serious boyfriends in the last week alone and have various amount of contact with all 5 now (years later for all). But in the first 6 months to a year, it's pretty darned hard to maintain a friendship, even if you don't have feelings. You really need to put yourself first. Whatever you do.
Author Lc1984 Posted May 7, 2013 Author Posted May 7, 2013 Thank you all for the advice. I think you could be right that I'm not ready. The only thing is tthat I'm considering is that I've been living in fear for 4 months, fear that I'll bump into him, fear he's with someone else and fear about 100 other things to do with him. I suppose by meeting him that fear may go because it will be done, I would have bumped into him and I would know what was happening a bit more in his life even though I know it's none of my business and maybe that fear that I have all the time may go or at least lessened because I would have faced it head on. On the other hand, I haven't slept since I arranged to see him and I feel sick all the time but again thats coming from fear. I also have a feeling he may cancel but now I've built myself up to it, I hope he doesn't. I feel like I'm going insane
swiftly333 Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Its normal to be anxious and nervous in situations like this but if you're so emotional that you feel physically I'll then I would really take inventory and think this through. I don't think seeing him will actually alleviate the fears you have.
flight E Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 I think u all right. circumstances differ so there is no rule cast in stone. but one thing that is clear. if you want a balanced relationship you have to play the ball and let the other person kick it back. if u sick while playing u cant play a good game. heal some more, u ex knows ow u feel. we all have a sixth sense for that. when you through u can try to see him
Leigh 87 Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 I told my ex that he is only to arrange to meet with me if he feels strongly about me to still want desperately to be with me. We broke up because I have to be alone to work on myself. My issues were unbearable for a relationship. IN the future, I made it very clear that he is ONLY to arrange that "meeting" if he has worked out how much he desperately loves me still. I am not expecting that phone call, and while I am in the very early stages of moving on I still hope he calls; later though in a few months I will realise that he is 99% over me, or he will come back later in life instead. When I am probably marrying someone else lol and won't want him back. ................... You know - ASK HIM. Be frank. Ask him: look, I think I still love you, and I don't think it is a good idea to meet you unless it is about getting back together. If he says "no just friends" or if he says anything OTHER than " yes I still have feelings and feel a strong need to re connect" then DO. NOT. SEE HIM.
Author Lc1984 Posted May 9, 2013 Author Posted May 9, 2013 So I have listened to all of the advice you guys have given me. I'm so grateful for you all taking the time to reply so far. As I said earlier in the week, I thought he was going to cancel but he hasn't! I know where we going and what we're doing and I am feeling quite calm. I've worked out what I'm wearing, I am so proud of myself for not going and buying a whole new outfit. I'm thinking of it as friends catching up and I am prepared for the fact it might upset me but I'm going to just feel the fear and do it anyway. I thought I'd want something out of the meeting up but I am just going with an open mind. It's tomorrow night, so I'll let you all know how it goes X 2
aisuru Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 The only thing is tthat I'm considering is that I've been living in fear for 4 months, fear that I'll bump into him, fear he's with someone else and fear about 100 other things to do with him. I suppose by meeting him that fear may go because it will be done, I would have bumped into him and I would know what was happening a bit more in his life even though I know it's none of my business and maybe that fear that I have all the time may go or at least lessened because I would have faced it head on. "When you act out of fear you create a fear-based relationship, and when you act out of love you create a love-based relationship. It is this simple." I read that somewhere and saved it to my quotes list but can't find the original source. Best of luck. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. Even if it sinks you down for a little bit before you pick yourself back up. 2
Author Lc1984 Posted May 10, 2013 Author Posted May 10, 2013 I have one word......anticlimax!!! We went out, caught up, I realised that he is not entertaining and I am! This was not what I was expecting at all......I'm a bit lost for words but so proud of myself!!! Of course it may be that once I reflect, my upbeat mood changes but so far so good. So unexpected! Just goes to show that no contact for a long while (we had a good couple of months without contact) really can go a long way to healing you. Relationships aren't always what we thought they were or think they could be and I realise we can often build up an ex into something magical that in real life they aren't. It's not about them, it's about us and healing ourselves not thinking they are responsible for making us better. 2
TaraMaiden Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 You sound good, LC.... Let me be the first to say I'm pleased it turned out this way for you.... See.... I get scared for vulnerable hearts - and you sounded, at the time, pretty vulnerable and shaken up.... IT's cool that you got a whole different and new perspective on this.
Recommended Posts