SalientPoint Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 I've been dating for 13 years, am now about late 20's, and have had a lot of really varied dating experience. I've had one night stands, summer flings, casual 2 month dating periods, long term serious relationships, lived with an ex etc, but 4 years ago I dated " the one that got away" that I never fully got over, despite therapy, and feel like I'll never fully be over her. My only hope was to date someone I loved more, and I did have a year and a half relationship after her as well as a lot of casual relationships, and nothing ever compared until latest ex. In a way I actually loved latest ex more, because I trusted her and thought her to be more loyal and supportive than one that got away, so this latest breakup is also causing me to re-live the one from four years ago, and I feel like is sending me back to a really dark place, since I never fully got over the last one, and it took a solid year to even be able to talk about her without lots of pain. I'm a pretty well rounded, functional, and level headed person in every other respect, I just don't know why I can't get over one that got away, and I don't feel ready to deal with it a second time with latest ex. I know I'm relatively young, but only really being in love twice in 13 years, with two big failures, is just really hard for me to deal with right now. One that got away and are I facebook friends since it has been 4 years, she's happy with her gf that she's been with for about 3 years, and I know they are going to be engaged soon and get married, and I feel like I won't be able to handle it well, on top of getting over latest ex, and the realization that now there will be a second one that got away. Again, I know I'm relatively young, but as I approach my 30's and I've only felt this way twice, I still don't know what self respecting functional adult can't get over things after 4 years, or how to deal with repeat devestation with the latest break up.
mtnbiker3000 Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 I think we all feel like we are losing our minds Yes, seems like past RS's can resurface if they are still on your mind, and now you have two BU's to process. FUN!! And if four years is how long it is taking, then four years it is... Maybe try NC again and seek outside help to properly process the old RS. Seems like you will not be able to properly move on until you 100% over that RS. One thing at a time... Sucks, I know, but you are still young enough and no point carrying this crap around any longer than necessary. Hang in there
CompleteFailure Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 I just don't know why I can't get over one that got away, and I don't feel ready to deal with it a second time with latest ex...I feel like I won't be able to handle it well, on top of getting over latest ex, and the realization that now there will be a second one that got away. Again, I know I'm relatively young, but as I approach my 30's and I've only felt this way twice, I still don't know what self respecting functional adult can't get over things after 4 years, or how to deal with repeat devestation with the latest break up. It sounds like you hadn't given yourself enough time to grieve over the 'one that got away' because you thought any sensible strong adult should be able to move past it sooner. If it was really that meaningful it should be normal for it to take extremely long. If you tried to bury it by dating and dating and dating, it would be logical that it's coming back now since your latest relationship(another one that got away) ended. Again, 4 years later and you haven't gotten over it because you moved on without fully dealing with it in the first place. You really need to take the time, this time around to properly grieve and move on or it's just going to be the same thing all over again. As a self respecting functional adult you owe it to yourself at this age to move past it in a proper fashion.
Author SalientPoint Posted May 6, 2013 Author Posted May 6, 2013 Thanks guys, always full of the good advice Yeah, I have gotten lots of outside help for it, I think I'm just the kind of person that has a hard time letting go of people, so like you said Mtn, if it takes 4 years, I guess it takes four years. It's not like I'm still as devastated as I was, I don't cry when I talk about her anymore, it just still stings. Also I think it's just the fact that it's really rare for me to actually fall in love with or trust someone, and to just keep losing it when I finally found it again, makes it so difficult.
mtnbiker3000 Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 Thanks guys, always full of the good advice Yeah, I have gotten lots of outside help for it, I think I'm just the kind of person that has a hard time letting go of people, so like you said Mtn, if it takes 4 years, I guess it takes four years. It's not like I'm still as devastated as I was, I don't cry when I talk about her anymore, it just still stings. Also I think it's just the fact that it's really rare for me to actually fall in love with or trust someone, and to just keep losing it when I finally found it again, makes it so difficult. Also, one thing I do when I am feeling like I'll never get what I once had and they were sooo wonderful, is to 'de-pedestalize' them . Think of all the things that irked, annoyed, irritated, hurt you or otherwise just plain sucked about them. Make a list if you think it will help. I think we are all guilty of remembering the ex through rose-colored glasses. Nah, they have faults. Plenty of them!!! We all deserve to be happy and be with someone who wants to be with us. If they don't/didn't, then that's their bad!! Idiots!!!
xpaperxcutx Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 You say they are ones who got away, so are they the exes that actually broke things off with you first? From my understanding, it's harder to get over ones that break up with you than the ones that you break up with. It can be a mentality and emotional issue because you never had the mindset of letting go of them and they severly cut ties with you. They say relationship can be compared to oxygen. You get used to one for a while that when it's cut off, you have a hard time living without them.
DontBreakEven Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 i feel the same, with my problem being, "why i am always the one ultimately more into the realtionship?" i'm always the dumpee .. someone always falls out of love with me, or never falls in love with me, or whatever it is. and it's really bizarre, because i'm actually a really attractive, really smart, sweet girl. *toot toot* but seriously. im 30, this past relationship was my second longest, my longest being an engagement that ended 4 years ago, not by my doing. and i think it's normal to relive past failures. i am over the relationship from 4 years ago, but i'm not over the hurt. i will never be over that hurt when someone out of absolutely nowhere tells you they don't love you anymore 5 months before the wedding. it took me 4 months to get out of bed that time. and you can bet i've been thinking about it a lot lately .. whereas 2 months ago it would have just been a story from my past. now i relive that hurt daily. i don't know about you, but even though my hurt is just as bad this time, i at least feel a little wiser somehow. maybe i'm becoming jaded, i don't know, but part of me is like "Really??" Really?? okay .. okay .. go ahead and best of luck to my ex. and plus the more i think about it, i truly DON'T want to be with someone who is capable of letting me go. i just don't. unfortunately, i haven't met someone yet who isn't. and maybe i never will. but i at least have to give myself the chance to find that person. and wasting my time worrying about the one who couldn't care less, is certainly not doing that. thinking that way helps alleviate my pain a bit.
Author SalientPoint Posted May 7, 2013 Author Posted May 7, 2013 You say they are ones who got away, so are they the exes that actually broke things off with you first? No, most of them break up with me first, it was just a title since it was the first person I was truly in love with. But you're absolutely right about the oxygen thing, too true! i feel the same, with my problem being, "why i am always the one ultimately more into the realtionship?" i'm always the dumpee .. someone always falls out of love with me, or never falls in love with me, or whatever it is. and it's really bizarre, because i'm actually a really attractive, really smart, sweet girl. *toot toot* but seriously. im 30, this past relationship was my second longest, my longest being an engagement that ended 4 years ago, not by my doing. and i think it's normal to relive past failures. i am over the relationship from 4 years ago, but i'm not over the hurt. i will never be over that hurt when someone out of absolutely nowhere tells you they don't love you anymore 5 months before the wedding. it took me 4 months to get out of bed that time. and you can bet i've been thinking about it a lot lately .. whereas 2 months ago it would have just been a story from my past. now i relive that hurt daily. i don't know about you, but even though my hurt is just as bad this time, i at least feel a little wiser somehow. maybe i'm becoming jaded, i don't know, but part of me is like "Really??" Really?? okay .. okay .. go ahead and best of luck to my ex. and plus the more i think about it, i truly DON'T want to be with someone who is capable of letting me go. i just don't. unfortunately, i haven't met someone yet who isn't. and maybe i never will. but i at least have to give myself the chance to find that person. and wasting my time worrying about the one who couldn't care less, is certainly not doing that. thinking that way helps alleviate my pain a bit. Thanks for that, I can definitely relate, although I can't imagine how rough it would be that close to the wedding. I feel for you, and I agree, I also usually am always the one that gets dumped then wonders why, cause I think I'm a pretty cool person, at least my friends and family say that I am Also, I am trying to learn something from this, but it's hard since this was the first woman I every really trusted. Like even the one from four years ago, I really loved, but never really fully trusted her like I did with latest ex, and latest ex was by far the most supportive and normal seeming out of all the other women I dated. I fully take responsibility in my past for certain chicks dumping me because it was obvious they had mental health or other issues that would make relationships impossible, and I still dated them, but latest ex really seemed to have her stuff together and like she would be the one that finally stuck it through. Live and learn I guess...
KPChick000 Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 Also I think it's just the fact that it's really rare for me to actually fall in love with or trust someone, and to just keep losing it when I finally found it again, makes it so difficult. I feel the same way. It takes me a long time to find that connection. I've been in two serious long-term relationships, and it took me about two years after the first BU to meet my current ex. I hooked up with/dated random people in between, but it never felt right. I want to meet people "naturally" and not force dating on myself, but I fear it's going to take me two years again to meet that someone! 1
mtnbiker3000 Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 "why i am always the one ultimately more into the realtionship?" i'm always the dumpee .. someone always falls out of love with me, or never falls in love with me, or whatever it is. and it's really bizarre. Yeah, I really relate to this. Feels like a pattern that I really want to break. I noticed if I am the dumper, it is usually within a couple of weeks or months at the most. Whenever I decide I am going to stick it out and it lasts for more than 6 months, I always become the dumpee. I think I decide early on if I am in or out, and if I am in, then they usually want out at some point. WTF?!I really don't know how to change/break this pattern. Help!!! 1
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