emra Posted September 24, 2004 Posted September 24, 2004 If any of you read my last thread, you will know some of my background with this. I have been dating this guy for awhile. We have some major issues. And we have some pretty big fights. At times, I don't know that I can keep doing this and others that I don't think I could ever stay away from him... Recently, Sunday, we got in a HUGE fight. He started freaking out over a couple of my ex's. It went from one thing to another. I said something about him talking to his ex and that if he doesn't want me talking to mine, then he shouldn;t his. I also, told him that it should not be that way. He should trust me enough to know that I would never do anything to hurt him. Mind you the day before, he told me he trusted me and that he knew I would never do anything and that it was ok to talk to one of the ex's but not the other (i take this as, he feels threatened by one not the other) What ever it was, I thought, ok.(this was sat.) Sunday, he ended up calling one of my ex's and was going to go talk to him to get it through his head to leave me alone. I got so mad and told him if he went anywhere near him it was over and I also told him that it would be like me calling his ex and saying stay away. I would never do that. I don't talk much to this ex. Maybe once a month. He ended up leaving telling me he would be back, never came back, would not answer his phone when I called. SO I thought whatever. The next day he calls, I ask where he was, and he lied. He said, he went right home. A friend of mine already had told me he had stopped over there for awhile. I do not understand why he would lie about that. But he also told this guy something, I begged him NEVER to tell anyone. Which I found out. I also told him the next day that we needed to talk, his normal reply "Everything is going to be fine" I said "NO, it is not, it is never fine and we never talk about it, it is not fine, that I don't want to tell you things in fear of how you will react, it is not fine, that, you make me feel like a piece of sh**, it is not fine, that you are always telling me that you love me and treat me like this, And it is not fine, that I love you with all I have and you continue to walk all over me" Monday night went alright, did we talk no. Tuesday night, went ok. I guess, Wed. he had his kids, he called me a was real crappy with me. Today, he hung up on me I don't know how many times. This guy calls me a lot, which I love, because I do enjoy talking to him, if he's not doing something else. And now, tonight, he got all crappy again. I found out he has a lot more to do with his ex, then he is telling me. He tried calling me and My phone was busy, and he said he doesn't like that I am on his waiting list. I said, you know, I called you 2 times this afternoon, you never answered, so apparently I am on your waiting list. He said bullsh** and hung up. So, a friend of mine watched my kids and I went out there, he wasn't home,. so I left a note saying, I know you are not telling me things and that is not right, you want me to tell you everything and you get crappy with me when I don't. I don't need details, but I do not need to be left in the dark either. Our relationship has been hard. I don't think I will ever be what he wants me to be, I am me, that is all I can offer. He wants me to be at his beck and call when it is right for him.... I feel very sad that he is being like this. I wish I could write it all but I can't. He is very possesive and jealous. I don't know what the right thing is to do and how to tell him, without him telling me I am making something out of nothing. My feelings are hurt, that is something.
Jilly10340 Posted September 24, 2004 Posted September 24, 2004 Listen, you got to sit him down and tell him exactly what you want. Tell him you want this and this and this. Tell him if he doesn't want to give that to you, then you'll just find someone who does. You don't deserve that kind of treatment. No one does. Don't stick around for someone who's not going to give you want you want or even care about you enough to try. There's plenty of guys out there that would love to give you everything you want. Go and find one. Don't worry about this guy.
Author emra Posted September 25, 2004 Author Posted September 25, 2004 My problem is I tell him how I feel, and maybe for a day he is great about it. I told him last night that I was done being treated that way. That I deserve a lot better. HE told me the same ol same ol that I make too much of things and I need to stop and then he said, you go do whatever it is you need to do to make you happy. Because, I said, "the problem is you are not going ot change. you are jealous and possesive and it is out of control" so then last night I went over to a friends house, he called me a few times, ended up stopping over there and I wouldn't let him go into her house, this was at 10:30pm and she was trying to get her kids to bed. SO he decided someone was in there and all that BS. I just don't get it. AM I trying to give him a dose of his own medicine. My parents are keeping my kids tonight, so he said a few things about me going out and got a little crabby with me. I simple replied by saying, you know what you go out whenever you don't have your kids, what do you want me to do sit at home. He said "thats right" and said "too bad" I don't know why I am staying in this relationship. Because I love him. Other then that, I don't know. DO I really think things will get better? I am trying to figure out ways, that if I stay in this, how I can deal with things...
SoleMate Posted September 25, 2004 Posted September 25, 2004 I don't know why I am staying in this relationship. Neither do I. He is controlling, jealous, rude, dishonest and profane. Because I love him. I hope you can re-educate yourself to love only a man who is good to you. Do you know what it is like to have a man who is good to you? Why not make yourself a list of what a truly caring boyfriend would do/be. And don't settle until you find a man that fits. MY LIST OF WHAT MY MAN SHOULD BE Polite (no hangups, no insults) Considerate (wants me to have fun) Respectful (doesn't interfere with my life or friendships) Affectionate Honest (no lies) Etc. BTW - A jealous man who tries to separate you from all your platonic friends and family is a very dangerous and evil creature. Stay away. I would not even bother talking to him again, frankly.
Author emra Posted September 25, 2004 Author Posted September 25, 2004 Do I know what it is like to have a man be good to me. Well, to answer that, makes me sound terrible. I was with one guy for a while. Was he nice yes, too nice and it drove me crazy. My usual thing with guys is, I go from guy to guy. I was with the father to my children for 7 years or so. He was abusive, cheated on me. Tore me down. I fought very hard to even regain who I thought I was. Other then him, I had 1 other I was with for a couple of years. Both of those relationships also were based on drugs. Is it that good guys scare me. Maybe, or maybe, I don't think that is for me. I do not know. I have gone to therapy, after the father to my children killed himself and went thru a lot of things. I was single for a while before hooking up with my current BF, and I have known him for years. I have never put so much time or effort into a person before. I know that I am looking at a losing battle. When I needed someone he was there, maybe, not really there. But he was the one person, in my group of friends that has gone thru what I have. I have been clean now for a year, he is almost at a year. I had to go to Intensive Outpatient treatment in March. I don't know. I am making excuses. Maybe it is fear of the unknown. I love attention. At times I do like to argue. That is me. I am very opinionated. I just can't stand how this is always on me. I am no longer, not seeing my friends. I am doing my own thing. I have decided all I have done thru out my life, is waste my life, I am not going to sit around anymore. I deserve it my kids do. I understand his one concern over 1 friend, because she was a "using friend" and her and I got into a lot of trouble, but there again, her and I both got in trouble on the same day, and we both have been clean for a year. I don't know, I am rambling...
krbshappy71 Posted September 25, 2004 Posted September 25, 2004 Way too much drama for me. Life is too short. I'd rather be alone than miserable and dealing with that crap. Sounds like you both have issues, not sure how much effort you want to put into solving them. So far it doesn't sound like either of you can rationally discuss the situation w/out getting all wound up and upset. I'd move on but that's me.
Author emra Posted September 25, 2004 Author Posted September 25, 2004 Yes, we both have issues. Everyone has their own issues. Mine are probably a lot different then many others. How much effort am I willing to put into this. I am trying to figure this out. I have worked very hard to get where I am today. Yes, I struggle just as other people do. It is hard to rationally discuss something sometimes. I do try my hardest to say hey this is BS. He tells me that I think too much. DO I think that way. No. I think I am looking out for me and trying to get through things in a way I know I can. And I am looking for any advice I can get, in how to do this. And to figure out what I should do. It is always great to hear what other people think, because you can take that and figure out if it will work for you or not. So that is what I am trying to do.
mudobber Posted September 25, 2004 Posted September 25, 2004 Neither of you have direction. You love each other but have no real commitments. You both want the assurance of having someone that will stick by you through thick or thin but there are no vows to assure such. The chaos that you are experiencing is the result of having no real goals for the future. The boyfriend, girlfriend game that you are playing breeds such chaos. Stop playing games and get married. Everything is much clearer when you know who your mate is.
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