Pain.

[kellyca]

This is more just a vent rather than anything else, but if you feel you can impart any advice or words of wisdom I would love it.

 

 

I want to start this by saying that I know I did not always make the best decisions and am in no way trying to paint myself as the victim here.

 

My husband and I dated for 3 years on and off before we moved in together. We lived together for a couple of years before getting married in January 2007 in Vegas. Six months later he entered rehab for alcoholism. Oh, yeah, he's an alcoholic. A drink hard liquor at 6am alcholic. A punch the wall and break your hand alcoholic.

 

But of course now that he was "sober" our lives should have been perfect, right? Well, of course this totally changed the dynamic of our relationship. And he decided that because he wasn't drinking anymore he was fixed. Did not need AA, a book, a therapist, meds, nothing. He was cured and any problems that may exisit were my issues.

 

We kept going down the path society and our family expected us to and bought our house in October 2008. Of course by this time we had no friends left because people did not know how to act around "sober" husband.

 

In December of 2010 I got pregnant. My husband never came to a doctors appointment with me, even missing out on hearing the heartbeat. 12 weeks into the pregnancy I suffered a miscarriage. It was possibly the most traumatic experience I have ever had and was told to "call him" once I had been to the doctor. I felt very alone.

 

Over the summer of 2011 we spent four months and $10,000 trying to get pregnant. Again, I paid for it, went to the appointments by myself, dealt with the disappointments by myself. So of course we didn't get pregnant.

 

Fast forward two months and we fall pregnant again. Two days before thanksgiving 2011 I miscarried. three weeks later my dad dies. Of course my dad is in Scotland, so I don't get to say bye, I am not there like my mum and sister. (which is pointed out to me by one of my aunts). Needless to say my husband is too busy to drive me to the airport, so I make that trip alone.

 

I come back just before New Years eve determined that I want to - and deserve to - be happy. I start getting involved with things, going out with friends. the majority of which are gay men. Of course this is unacceptable to my husband, with him even going so far as to say "this is not the behavior of a married woman". He tried to give me a curfew and is constantly asking me where I am going and who I will be with.

 

During this time we attempt going to couples therapy. However he feels that just by showing up at the appointment he is making an effort.

 

So fast forward to July. Things are just as difficult between us and I am getting more and more frustrated. I end up staying up one night, drinking a bottle of wine and going on a singles app. I am just curious as my gay friends are always talking about the gay version. I have no intention of meeting any one. Needless to say I get "hit on" by some weirdos. About ready to call it a night at 3 in the morning I get a "hello" pop up on my screen. Exchange a couple of comments, but don't thing anything of it. Later that day the same guy messages me again. We get to talking more and more and find out we are in similar situations and really get on with each other.

 

Before too long we are texting multiple times a day, exchanging pictures and getting to know one another. Then we would send little videos. We had rules however. No last names or phone numbers. We were not going to talk, and certainly never going to meet. He lives up north so its not like there was much chance of it happening.

 

By October we were skyping.

 

Before too long we were in love with each other. We were the first people we communicated with in the morning and the last people we communicated with at night. My marriage was getting worse and worse. He was in a position where he felt he could not get a divorce (kids involved.)

 

In January we both ended up being in las Vegas - me with 3 friends, he with his brother. We texted during the day but each had our own schedules. The first night we ended up arranging to meet for a drink. When we saw each other in the flesh for the first time we had what he described as a "love-at-first-sight" moment and were kissing within 30 seconds of meeting each other. We ended up walking up the strip for a couple of hours, kissing along the way. We had a drink at Caesars palace and went back to my room. We did not sleep together but fooled around. The same thing happened the next night.

 

On the monday morning my husband went through my phone and found out what I had did. Obv. did not go down well. my husband texted him and it got a bit hairy for a while. But we stuck it out.

 

In February when I was away with some friends my husband went through my laptop. reading every email, looking at every picture. Of course he got the information he needed to contact my AP directly. I felt so violated and told him at that point our marriage was over.

 

In March my AP and I decided we wanted to see each other again. So we arranged to meet in San francisco. We had the most perfect day together. We ended up sleeping together and he telling me he had never felt like this about anyone. We new each others last names, each others phone numbers. the rules didn't exist anymore. It was the two of us and that's all that mattered.

 

Well, fast forward after he leaves me that night and he texts me to let me know my husband had messaged him with his wife's name and their home address. Of course he panics and decides that we need to end our relationship. So I go from the highest high, to the lowest low.

 

I flew home the next day, got home and spent the evening drinking wine and taking xanax. I don't remember much about the ambulance ride, the 5150, the emergency room and getting checked into the behavioral health hospital. Of course while I am in there I do not have my cell phone, but friends come and visit. they adjust my anti-depressants and I spend a lot of time talking about what is going on. I stay in patient for five days and then begin a two-week out patient program. When I get out I text my AP to let him know I am OK and have been discharged. He tells me he is glad I am OK but we cannot talk. So we spend nine months communicating daily and then he just cuts me off.

 

One the second week of my out patient program I file my divorce papers and get a tattoo.

 

When I go back to work I realise it was a stressor on me too - hence my decision to switch jobs.

 

I still have a lot of anger and sadness. I have spent most of today crying. I see my therapist weekly, and my psychiatrist monthly. there's also a weekly alumni support group.

 

I have texted my AP a couple of times since - I can see he reads my texts but does not reply. I thought his feelings for me were genuine, but I don't know. I miss him so very much. I still have grief over the loss of my babies and my dad. I have venom towards my husband that I didn't know I could feel and us stuck living together is not helping at all.

 

It's been 7 weeks since all this went down and there are times like today when it feels just as raw. I still miss my AP so much and the friendship and support I had. Not a day has gone by when I have not thought about him. When I got intaked for my outpatient program they asked me if I regretted that my suicide attempt was unsuccessful. I hope that one day I can truly say I am glad to be alive. It's just going to take a lot of work on my part to get there.

 

I can't let him go. I know he was never mine. I know he was married. But my feelings for him are real and I can't just turn them off.

[2sunny]

I hope you will do your step work like your life depends on it - it does!

 

It's not healthy to hand anyone this much of YOUR power!

 

Continue therapy and working your program each day.

[StrangerThanFiction]

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much. That was one painful experience sandwiched on another and another. You're going to be ok though, alright? Keep up working on getting better. Time, time, time. I hate when people tell me that too, but they're right about it. If tomorrow is too hard to think about just think about making it through the next 5 minutes.

[ComingInHot]

kellyca wrote, "I flew home the next day, got home and spent the evening drinking wine and taking Xanax."

 

Hey Kellyca, Your story is one riddled with pain and continuous struggle. Sometimes we cannot help what happens to us. Sometimes we can.

 

You have seen the damage that alcohol can do to an individual, a couple and a family.

With your H already being an alcoholic (but in recovery), I cannot conceive that it would be a good idea for you to a. have alcohol in the house b. drink in front of your husband c. mix alcohol with prescription drugs (I think you have learned this one).

 

It may be that you raise the subject of D with your therapist next session. You have stated before that the M has always been volatile and H hasn't really been there for you in the capacity that you need. Instead of cheating on him again and/or living the rest of your life in misery, maybe other options should be discussed.

This is Your very health that is being compromised here! I think it's time to get healthy. How about you?!*

[kellyca]

kellyca wrote, "I flew home the next day, got home and spent the evening drinking wine and taking Xanax."

 

Hey Kellyca, Your story is one riddled with pain and continuous struggle. Sometimes we cannot help what happens to us. Sometimes we can.

 

You have seen the damage that alcohol can do to an individual, a couple and a family.

With your H already being an alcoholic (but in recovery), I cannot conceive that it would be a good idea for you to a. have alcohol in the house b. drink in front of your husband c. mix alcohol with prescription drugs (I think you have learned this one).

 

It may be that you raise the subject of D with your therapist next session. You have stated before that the M has always been volatile and H hasn't really been there for you in the capacity that you need. Instead of cheating on him again and/or living the rest of your life in misery, maybe other options should be discussed.

This is Your very health that is being compromised here! I think it's time to get healthy. How about you?!*

 

Oh, I totally agree. In the process of divorcing. The drinking and prescription drugs was done intentionally. I really didn't want to live - still struggle with it some days too. For some reason this weekend has been super emotionally draining.