Is this normal?

[hw172]

I'm going to try and make this post as brief and concise as possible.

 

I started dating a girl last july and it ended new years day, the day after my bday. I'm currently in NC and have been for only over 3 weeks. After she broke up with me we talked everyday for a about 2 months. I now realize me constantly seeking closure must have been extremely tiring for her. So this pushed her away and lead to me saying I will just leave her alone after trying to get back with her and work things out, multiple times.

 

So my first handful of attempts at NC only lasted 3 days or so and then I would give in. It gradually got to a week at a time. She then started seeing her ex(who she told me there is NO way it could ever work out) and is now with him. She began getting more and more cold and last time we spoke she said she can't say she still loves me because she is telling this to someone else, so it wouldn't be fair.

 

Things have been really tough and I imagine it's because she is the first girl i have ever fallen in love with. I really wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. It just hurts that we always said we would be willing to work things out no matter what. She said that things just were not as serious as she hoped and started feeling distant. It also didn't help she worked with her ex. It was fine at first because they hated each other but then gradually became civil with each other. I tried to explain that this serious of a relationship was new to me so it was different and that if we worked through things I knew we could improve whatever issues there were. Didn't work.

 

I guess I just want to know if grieving for 4 months like this is normal. I've been super depressed and it's a little scary. Some days are okay and some are real tough. It doesn't help that whenever I'm driving I'm wondering if I'm going to drive past her or something. In a way I hope I do because I miss her but again, that's not healthy thinking. I'm moving to a different city next week with a friend so hopefully this helps.

 

It's so hard to get the thought of her sometime calling or texting out of my head. I know it's over, I feel so betrayed and don't know how I could ever trust her again, but at the same time I still love and miss her.

 

Any suggestions?

 

Sorry for long post. First one ever and I think it helps just to get it out there whether or not anyone responds. Anyway, thanks for reading! Good luck to all of those that are heart broken. Definitely a horrible feeling.

[hw172]

Just to add in there, she did tell me multiple times that she loved me more than anyone she had before and wanted to marry me. So i didn't get all attached for nothing! At least I don't think.. ha

[selfsabotager]

You and I are in the same boat. I'm only a month outside of the relationship, so I can't answer if 4 months of depression is normal, but my guess is if it's the way you feel, then it's normal. It probably hasn't helped that you've only been NC for 3 weeks. I've only been for 12 days and we broke up 26 days ago. He's already in bed with his ex-girlfriend after our 6 month relationship, also with future and marriage talk involved. I called him for 8 days after he broke up with me and BEGGED him back. I feel like the biggest loser. I think my biggest obstacle now is dealing with him going back to his ex, whom he also said would never work out with. Told me he's never felt with anyone the way he felt about me. I feel your pain and it's gut-wrenching. you are not alone!

[hw172]

You and I are in the same boat. I'm only a month outside of the relationship, so I can't answer if 4 months of depression is normal, but my guess is if it's the way you feel, then it's normal. It probably hasn't helped that you've only been NC for 3 weeks. I've only been for 12 days and we broke up 26 days ago. He's already in bed with his ex-girlfriend after our 6 month relationship, also with future and marriage talk involved. I called him for 8 days after he broke up with me and BEGGED him back. I feel like the biggest loser. I think my biggest obstacle now is dealing with him going back to his ex, whom he also said would never work out with. Told me he's never felt with anyone the way he felt about me. I feel your pain and it's gut-wrenching. you are not alone!

 

Wow, you really are in a very similar situation to me. All I can say from my prolonged healing due to breaking NC, is to stay with NC RIGHT NOW! I really can look back and see how every time I gave in and called/texted, even dropped off all kinds of stuff on vday, it has only made me look more weak.

 

So don't give in. The sooner you stick with NC, the more dignity you will have and the better you will be remembered as. It's extremely hard to get over the regret of begging more than once to "work things out". Good luck. You're not alone:)

[selfsabotager]

Agreed. Thankfully I'm at the point where I don't really want to call him......well except for to tell him that the trust issues I had with him and his ex the whole time were warranted and he can have the manly looking woman for a lifetime and good luck.....lol, but I've resisted. I can't say that I don't still look at the phone every 5 minutes hoping he's called or text. Not that I'd take the call anyways, but at least I'd feel like I had a bit more power. It's still killing me though. Literally gut wrenching. Is it just me or does your whole body ache over this?

[hw172]

Agreed. Thankfully I'm at the point where I don't really want to call him......well except for to tell him that the trust issues I had with him and his ex the whole time were warranted and he can have the manly looking woman for a lifetime and good luck.....lol, but I've resisted. I can't say that I don't still look at the phone every 5 minutes hoping he's called or text. Not that I'd take the call anyways, but at least I'd feel like I had a bit more power. It's still killing me though. Literally gut wrenching. Is it just me or does your whole body ache over this?

 

HAHA manly looking woman? You could always send an anonymous message informing him. No just kidding don't do that.

 

Don't worry, the hope of him calling or texting will soon subside. Like I mentioned, I still worry/wonder when the day is that I will get some call/text from her. It's strange, I don't want it to happen but at the same time I can't help but wonder if it will.. so this keeps me from changing my number.

 

After all, she is the one who broke NC 3 weeks ago, but it wasn't anything to do with us. Should've not responded because it only lead to a lengthy phone call that eventually went from playful to serious and somewhat dramatic.

 

While we were in contact I felt so empty inside, even with friends I just seemed to not have any joy or motivation. Now it's on and off. Right now I'm okay, but sometimes an overwhelming sense of loneliness with randomly hit me which is hard to turn around.

 

But I truly believe you're close to getting that gut wrenching feeling out of your system. Hang in there.

[selfsabotager]

Oh he knows she's manly looking......he's the one who said it....lol!

 

If he is the man I knew, he will eventually call if only to apologize for the way he treated me. In fact, the last time we talked (well, I talked, he yelled), he called me back 20 minutes later, choking back tears and apologized for being such an a**hole to me, but it's the only way he knows how to deal with this. Of course, sleeping with his ex is probably helping him cope also. Though, given he's now with her, who knows if I'll ever hear from him again.

 

The gut wrenching subsides when I'm out being social, but haven't been doing much of that. Leaving the house is a chore, as is working right now, but once I'm out in the element, I seem to be ok.

 

If you don't mind me asking, why did she call 3 weeks ago? You said it wasn't about the two of you. In the future, from everything I've read (and it's been a lot) and what counseling has been teaching me, you should answer the question, say good to hear from you and say goodbye. Gives you the upper hand, especially if this isn't your normal behavior....makes them go hmmmmmm.

[hw172]

Oh he knows she's manly looking......he's the one who said it....lol!

 

If he is the man I knew, he will eventually call if only to apologize for the way he treated me. In fact, the last time we talked (well, I talked, he yelled), he called me back 20 minutes later, choking back tears and apologized for being such an a**hole to me, but it's the only way he knows how to deal with this. Of course, sleeping with his ex is probably helping him cope also. Though, given he's now with her, who knows if I'll ever hear from him again.

 

The gut wrenching subsides when I'm out being social, but haven't been doing much of that. Leaving the house is a chore, as is working right now, but once I'm out in the element, I seem to be ok.

 

If you don't mind me asking, why did she call 3 weeks ago? You said it wasn't about the two of you. In the future, from everything I've read (and it's been a lot) and what counseling has been teaching me, you should answer the question, say good to hear from you and say goodbye. Gives you the upper hand, especially if this isn't your normal behavior....makes them go hmmmmmm.

 

Well I run a business and a relative of hers wanted to come work with me so he did. Well it wasn't really working out and was making it even harder for me to forget about her so I basically told him that we couldn't continue to do business together. He got offended and texted her saying " Don't worry me and your ex aren't working together and are no longer friends".

 

I got a text from her saying "Did you do something to Christian or something?" This was after about 3 weeks of NC as well. I finally responded about 3 hours later saying "No why?". She just texted back saying "Never mind." I gave in and called to talk about it clarified what happened. But this went from a somewhat playful conversation to us talking about us for about 30 minutes. She said it was "exhausting talking to me about it". So not good. But I basically told her that I couldn't be involved in her life while I still had these deep feelings for her. The whole grabbing coffee thing sometime idea was thrown out there but I honestly don't think it will happen. And I wouldn't agree to it anyways. LIke I mentioned, she would really have to make a lot of effort to ever be with me again. My trust is pretty damaged right now.

[hw172]

Well I run a business and a relative of hers wanted to come work with me so he did. Well it wasn't really working out and was making it even harder for me to forget about her so I basically told him that we couldn't continue to do business together. He got offended and texted her saying " Don't worry me and your ex aren't working together and are no longer friends".

 

I got a text from her saying "Did you do something to Christian or something?" This was after about 3 weeks of NC as well. I finally responded about 3 hours later saying "No why?". She just texted back saying "Never mind." I gave in and called to talk about it clarified what happened. But this went from a somewhat playful conversation to us talking about us for about 30 minutes. She said it was "exhausting talking to me about it". So not good. But I basically told her that I couldn't be involved in her life while I still had these deep feelings for her. The whole grabbing coffee thing sometime idea was thrown out there but I honestly don't think it will happen. And I wouldn't agree to it anyways. LIke I mentioned, she would really have to make a lot of effort to ever be with me again. My trust is pretty damaged right now.

 

But overal, I think the conversation ended well. I told her how I felt about her and that I will always care for her and that was about it. I guess I hopefully have a little dignity left! It's crazy, this breakup has brought out a bad side of me I didn't really know existed. I guess at least now I have learned that I want to get married to the true love of my life. I'm 25 and marriage hasn't ever really been something I've been looking for. But now I know that being in love is a great thing. So one thing learned. ha.

[selfsabotager]

I also never wanted to get married again until I met my now ex. I believed in so much of what he had to say and finally resigned to the fact that I would be with him for the rest of my life. Think that's what hurts the most......I've never given my whole heart to anybody like that before.

 

Today's a bad day. I want nothing more than to pick up the phone to call him. Wasn't it just yesterday that I said I had no desire......

[CompleteFailure]

I'm going to try and make this post as brief and concise as possible.

 

I started dating a girl last july and it ended new years day, the day after my bday. I'm currently in NC and have been for only over 3 weeks. After she broke up with me we talked everyday for a about 2 months. I now realize me constantly seeking closure must have been extremely tiring for her. So this pushed her away and lead to me saying I will just leave her alone after trying to get back with her and work things out, multiple times.

 

So my first handful of attempts at NC only lasted 3 days or so and then I would give in. It gradually got to a week at a time. She then started seeing her ex(who she told me there is NO way it could ever work out) and is now with him. She began getting more and more cold and last time we spoke she said she can't say she still loves me because she is telling this to someone else, so it wouldn't be fair.

 

Things have been really tough and I imagine it's because she is the first girl i have ever fallen in love with. I really wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. It just hurts that we always said we would be willing to work things out no matter what. She said that things just were not as serious as she hoped and started feeling distant. It also didn't help she worked with her ex. It was fine at first because they hated each other but then gradually became civil with each other. I tried to explain that this serious of a relationship was new to me so it was different and that if we worked through things I knew we could improve whatever issues there were. Didn't work.

 

I guess I just want to know if grieving for 4 months like this is normal. I've been super depressed and it's a little scary. Some days are okay and some are real tough. It doesn't help that whenever I'm driving I'm wondering if I'm going to drive past her or something. In a way I hope I do because I miss her but again, that's not healthy thinking. I'm moving to a different city next week with a friend so hopefully this helps.

 

It's so hard to get the thought of her sometime calling or texting out of my head. I know it's over, I feel so betrayed and don't know how I could ever trust her again, but at the same time I still love and miss her.

 

Any suggestions?

 

Sorry for long post. First one ever and I think it helps just to get it out there whether or not anyone responds. Anyway, thanks for reading! Good luck to all of those that are heart broken. Definitely a horrible feeling.

 

Hey thanks for sharing your story. I just wanted to say that everything you've written resonates with me well. The situation is somewhat similar and I've actually done almost the exact same things you've done except for the final NC. I know all about the hurt and betrayal and think it's all perfectly normal in our situations. I also think you're making the right and mature choice by going real NC and getting on with yourself.

[hw172]

I also never wanted to get married again until I met my now ex. I believed in so much of what he had to say and finally resigned to the fact that I would be with him for the rest of my life. Think that's what hurts the most......I've never given my whole heart to anybody like that before.

 

Today's a bad day. I want nothing more than to pick up the phone to call him. Wasn't it just yesterday that I said I had no desire......

 

Don't worry, I have those days too. I honestly have had times where I've felt so bad that I just have to take some time to cry and let it out. It's horrible. Especially because I know she is in love with her ex and probably doesn't think about me hardly ever. He is the type that is overly nice to her and is kind of the woman in the relationship. I truly hope it doesn't work out, as bad as that sounds. Im thinking that I wouldn't mind for her to contact me after just so I could let her know how she really hurt me and went back on all of her promises, and then say there's no possible chance. Thinking like that is consuming though. I REALLY wish I could just forget all about her. It's tough for sure.

 

Anyone have ANYTHING that may be comforting to hear? Again, appreciated.

[hw172]

Hey thanks for sharing your story. I just wanted to say that everything you've written resonates with me well. The situation is somewhat similar and I've actually done almost the exact same things you've done except for the final NC. I know all about the hurt and betrayal and think it's all perfectly normal in our situations. I also think you're making the right and mature choice by going real NC and getting on with yourself.

 

No problem, thanks for reading and replying.

 

My advice is to don't even tell her you're going NC. Just do it. Really. I said to her so many times I was going to leave her alone and then went back on it, it probably just got to be a drag and she is probably relieved to have me gone.

 

Ah. I hate to think that, but it could be true. I really am hoping that her whole relationship with him is a Grass Is Greener type situation. She did wait over a month to get back with him but kind of seems like she went back to something she knew and was comfortable with. She told me once that after her breakup with me, it was the longest she had ever been single. So she has always been in and out of relationships. To me, that doesn't seem healthy. How can you be happy with someone, if you can't be happy by yourself?

 

Is it messed up that I wouldn't mind to see it fail, to eventually hear from her, and to be completely over her? Truly the thing that hurts most is to think that she just lost all feelings for me and is now completely in love with her ex. Especially since she told more several times she was so in love, blah blah. You know how all that goes.

[sincelush]

I feel your pain. When my ex of 4 years broke my heart I called him all the time, texted him, begged for him back, tried to be friends; ultimately all it did was cause resentment on his part. I know he still loves me but there's only so much closure he could give. We agreed to go NC when I found out he hooked up with a friend of his. It destroyed me. I couldn't take the idea of him just kissing someone else.

 

I think the best things we can do is let go and hope that eventually the pain will subside and we will feel like ourself again (if its even possible).

 

You'll be in my thoughts.