Why do women suddenly run away?

[FlyerFan54]

Why do you call yourself a doormat?

 

It's just my personality. I do things for women just because I want to, and because I'm laid back I usually just go with the flow.

 

For instance, if I see something small that I know they'll like when I am at the store or something...I pick it up.

 

I really don't play hard to get. If I'm interested, I show it.

 

Now from reading all the posts here, I know it's something that I can't show on a consistent basis. It seems like a fine line that I need to sharpen up. I don't think of it as a bad thing, but an opportunity to learn.

[FlyerFan54]

I know I can't reply to everyone specifically, but I appreciate everyone responding.

 

It's good to come here and get some perspective. I know I've said it before, but I love it here because none of you really know me outside of what I type. I really don't go to anyone for perspective because it's not black-and-white like it is here.

 

As for girl #2 and the no-sex thing, she was very insecure to begin with...so it took two months before we even fooled around. She wanted to take things really slow. It wasn't until the 3rd date when we finally kissed either.

 

I should have taken that as a possible warning sign, but at the time I wasn't really experienced. I've been a late bloomer for most things, so dating isn't any different haha.

 

Girl #3 and I had sex after our 2nd date, so it's not like I was being passive with girl #2...it just didn't happen.

 

I understand dating is simply all about playing the field, but from reading this, are there any suggestions about what I should change, if necessary? I'm not sure exactly how to play hard to get, or what to do to keep them interested after these points.

 

Unless, I don't need to change anything and just continue to play the field as is. Honestly all I am looking to do is gather insight to consider the next time I date someone consistently.

 

Thoughts? Thanks again!

[Chicago_Guy]

This is a question I've been wanting to get some insight on for some time.

 

I'm 27, and I've done a good amount of dating over the past year. Some were just one-and-done dates, but a few actually went further than that. Most women I date aren't used to the way I treat them. I hold open the car door and help them with their coats. Old-school stuff like that. I won't hide the fact I may be a bit of a doormat (it's just my personality), but for the most part I get the dating game.

 

With three separate women, things were going along smoothly, then suddenly crashed. All in the past 18 months.

 

The first girl I understood, because she opted to move away for an opportunity. It sucked, because we were getting along really well and when things began to get serious, that's when it all ended. She told me I was the nicest guy she ever dated. However, she refused to see me again before she moved. About 6 months later, she traveled back to visit some family, and reached out to me because she wanted to meet up. I found out she refused to see me because she didn't want to develop stronger feelings knowing she had to move away. When we left after meeting up, she had a hard time saying goodbye. To this day, we still talk though.

 

Now that situation, I completely understood. I knew that it wasn't anything that went wrong, just the situation. It's the ones after that had me baffled.

 

The second girl, we had dated for a little over 3 months. We talked everyday, spent a lot of time together, and even became exclusive. One day out of the blue, I woke up to a text that said "I suck at this. You deserve better." I tried to find out what she meant, but she refused to even respond when I asked her. It wasn't until a week later she sent me a text saying "You're an amazing guy, but I'm sorry I just don't have my crap together."

 

It kind of struck me the wrong way, because we had been seeing each other for a while, and there was zero indication that anything was wrong. She literally just upped and ran for the hills.

 

And the most recent girl, we had also talked every day. We hung out a lot and got along really well. For about a month all seemed well. There was zero issue with anything until I told her that I wanted to see her more often. She did agree, but then stopped talking to me unless I said something to her. I completely backed off, and she said that "You're a really great guy, but I have a lot going on and I would feel more comfortable being friends."

 

She said to me that "You're a really great guy. Trust me, a guy as nice and sweet as you isn't that common. But, I don't know when I'll be ready to be anything more than someone's friend."

 

I agreed with her that being friends was fine. In all honesty, it hadn't progressed much further than that...it was still fresh. However, out of the three, she's the only one I had sex with.

 

What threw me off about this one was the fact we talked every day, and when we saw each other she constantly wanted to cuddle with me. It seems she just upped and ran for the hills one day as well.

 

My question is, if I am such a great guy, why do women suddenly run away? It's happened to me on numerous occasions, but these two were the most recent.

 

I understand that they may not be ready for anything, or I am not just a "great guy" for them, but it still confuses me. Why do women date someone, and when all seems well, they suddenly run away?

 

Is there a specific line of thinking that occurs when things begin to get more serious, or does it just depend on the girl?

 

You are putting forth WAY too much effort into your dates. Based on my personal experience, most women will never respect you or will lose attraction if you are too accommodating and nice to them. I know that this seems illogical, as most men want women who are accommodating and nice to them, but women apparently think differently than men.

 

You probably do look great on paper and that is why these women are initially attracted to you, but these women probably prefer to date player types who seemingly have little going for them and exert far less effort than you do.

 

You need to learn to make a woman put forth a little more effort - they should be chasing you at least a little bit and will be more attracted to you if they think that they need to work to get you.

[veggirl]

Do These women reciprocate all the little nice things you do for them? If not stop doing it, it's a sign of low interest and a sign you are a filler. Are the girls freshly single? You're 27 how old are they? You should be dating like 25-29 if you want a serious relationship.

[serial muse]

Hm. OP, I'd chime in to say, I vote for this:

 

Do These women reciprocate all the little nice things you do for them? If not stop doing it, it's a sign of low interest and a sign you are a filler.

 

not this:

 

You are putting forth WAY too much effort into your dates. Based on my personal experience, most women will never respect you or will lose attraction if you are too accommodating and nice to them. I know that this seems illogical, as most men want women who are accommodating and nice to them, but women apparently think differently than men.

 

It might be a people-picker problem. The reciprocity is a good thing to keep in mind.

 

But "treat 'em mean" will only get you people with low self-esteem. I assume you don't want that.

[StanMusial]

There can be several reasons.

 

One common reason, maybe you are using low-quality rope. If it is easily breakable or could be chewed through then it is not suitable for binding. Maybe switch to handcuffs in the future.

[Dusk1983]

2) Drama / Bad Boy/Girl - This is an age old question as to why it is that women go for bad boys. But don't judge too quick, as there are plenty of men out there who go for bad girls as well. The answer to both of these why questions is because the woman/man in question is looking to live vicariously through the other. Often times the good party was/is repressed growing up and look to live their own tendancies or wants to be bad through the other who is obviously bad. We get off on drama because we had very little before.

 

So, reasons a girl apparently chooses bad boys:

 

1) A quiet upbringing.

 

2) A crazy upbringing ('damaged women'.)

 

Reasons a girl chooses non-bad boys:

 

1) Those upbringings somewhere in the middle (look around you - they're rather rare these days...)

Edited May 7, 2013 by Dusk1983

[FlyerFan54]

Do These women reciprocate all the little nice things you do for them? If not stop doing it, it's a sign of low interest and a sign you are a filler. Are the girls freshly single? You're 27 how old are they? You should be dating like 25-29 if you want a serious relationship.

 

Good question. No, more often than not they do not reciprocate.

 

Honestly, one of the main reasons I do it is because of how I was raised. My family did this with each other a lot, so it's just something normal to me. It pretty much goes "Oh, so-and-so would like this!" and I just pick it up. That's how we operated, so it's not anything I really think about.

 

The girls weren't freshly single. I won't date a girl fresh out of a relationship. I learned that lesson in high school because I was played like a fiddle haha.

 

However, Girl #1 and Girl #3 were living with boyfriends in the past (Girl #1 was actually engaged but she broke it off). The only reason I found out girl #3 did was because she mentioned it when we were talking about places we used to live in our area. Girl #2 had just bought a house by herself, and I never asked about past relationships.

 

As for the girls I usually date, they're no younger than 24, and no older than 30. So the age range is accurate.

[Quiet Storm]

Although you meet many women's criteria for an ideal man, love and romance aren't logical.

 

For most women, love and romance is all about feelings and emotions. It's not about checking boxes on a list. Even compatibility, liking the same music or sports, etc.... won't matter if there are no feelings.

 

You aren't igniting that "spark". They aren't feeling that "connection" with you.

 

When women feel that spark and connection, other men fall off their radar. Their thoughts focus on you.

 

In your case, I suspect that they liked what you had to offer and decided to date you in hopes that there would be a connection. The connection never formed, which means they were still open to advances from other men. Eventually they concluded that you weren't the one, and decided to explore other options.

 

The one that said you deserve better probably hooked up with another guy, then felt guilty because she knows you really are a nice guy.

 

Women aren't only looking for compatibility or a nice guy. They are also looking for an emotional and sexual connection, also known as "sparks" or "butterflies".

[carhill]

I've especially been bemused by the ones who seemingly expound (in words and actions) on the 'connection', then 'poof', like they were never there. Fascinating.

[FlyerFan54]

Serial Muse, good call. That caught my eye as well!

 

So did this...

 

But "treat 'em mean" will only get you people with low self-esteem. I assume you don't want that.

 

You're right...I don't want people with low-esteem. Girl #2 had that and I realize now it would have annoyed me to death.

 

See I have a backbone, and I will stand up for myself. So I'll be direct if I have to, but I am rarely ever mean. I'll tell it like it is, but not in a mean-spirited way. I'm a very upbeat, positive person who always loks at the glass half-full. I try to make the best out of the worst situations.

 

Also, I don't know how to be mean. Really, I don't know how unless it's triggered.

 

I am only mean when I'm either very p!ssed off, hurt, or a combination of both. All are extremely rare because I'm level-headed 99.9% of the time. However, when I do lose my cool, I can say horrible things I don't mean.

 

The thing is...I feel so guilty after "being mean" I wind up apologizing immediately after I cool down haha. I can't explain why, it's just the way I am.

[FlyerFan54]

I've especially been bemused by the ones who seemingly expound (in words and actions) on the 'connection', then 'poof', like they were never there. Fascinating.

 

Good call.

 

That's happened to me a few times, actually.

 

They'll show a lot of interest and next thing you know...I'm in the friend-zone looking out.

 

I'm starting to understand it based on these responses, but I can't wrap my head around it because it's not something I do...if that makes any sense hahaha.

[FlyerFan54]

Although you meet many women's criteria for an ideal man, love and romance aren't logical.

 

For most women, love and romance is all about feelings and emotions. It's not about checking boxes on a list. Even compatibility, liking the same music or sports, etc.... won't matter if there are no feelings.

 

You aren't igniting that "spark". They aren't feeling that "connection" with you.

 

When women feel that spark and connection, other men fall off their radar. Their thoughts focus on you.

 

In your case, I suspect that they liked what you had to offer and decided to date you in hopes that there would be a connection. The connection never formed, which means they were still open to advances from other men. Eventually they concluded that you weren't the one, and decided to explore other options.

 

The one that said you deserve better probably hooked up with another guy, then felt guilty because she knows you really are a nice guy.

 

Women aren't only looking for compatibility or a nice guy. They are also looking for an emotional and sexual connection, also known as "sparks" or "butterflies".

 

Very well said. I applaud you.

 

You know what this reads to me? Just that I haven't met the right person yet. There wasn't a real connection, just excitement of something new

 

I know for a fact Girl #2 did not hook up with another guy.

 

Girl #3 I am not so sure of. I think she let her guard down a bit with me, but sadly I wouldn't put it past her. Although she has a good head on her shoulders, she's a bit of a partyer. She told me she had gone on a year dry spell before we had sex, and given the fact the year before she had a BF, it would make sense. She mentioned she isn't ready for any kind of relationship and enjoys the single life...and by the way she operates, I believe it.

 

Now the spark that you mention, is it more subconcious/feelings than anything else? Or is it more in terms of keeping them interested?

Edited May 7, 2013 by FlyerFan54

[Quiet Storm]

Very well said. I applaud you.

 

You know what this reads to me? Just that I haven't met the right person yet. There wasn't a real connection, just excitement of something new

 

I know for a fact Girl #2 did not hook up with another guy.

 

Girl #3 I am not so sure of. I think she let her guard down a bit with me, but sadly I wouldn't put it past her. Although she has a good head on her shoulders, she's a bit of a partyer. She told me she had gone on a year dry spell before we had sex, and given the fact the year before she had a BF, it would make sense. She mentioned she isn't ready for any kind of relationship and enjoys the single life...and by the way she operates, I believe it.

 

Now the spark that you mention, is it more subconcious/feelings than anything else? Or is it more in terms of keeping them interested?

 

I think "spark" is not totally subconscious because you definitely feel it. You just can't explain why. I would describe it as an intense feeling of being drawn to a person. Magnetic attraction.

 

When I met my husband, I felt it immediately. All other men faded into the background. Initially, I wanted to know everything about him. That progressed into me wanting him sexually, and eventually wanting to have his babies. I suspect the feeling could be biological... the mix of our pheromes alerting me to the fact that he'd be a great genetic match for me. I'd never felt that before. It wasn't anything specific that he did to ignite that feeling in me.

 

We were not compatible, in the sense that we did not share interests. He loves sci fi movies & comics. I love music & art. He likes fast cars. I'd prefer to sail the bay in a boat. He is a people person, I'm more introverted. He loves to have cookouts in the summer, I prefer to relax on the beach. He thinks sports are fixed & all about the $$. I am a Ravens/ O's maniac.

 

22 years later, we still have that connection & bond. We found ways around the compatibility issues. I go see Iron Man with him, and he goes to Ravens games with me. We have three kids in common now. I still feel the sparks, I still want sex with him, I still feel that draw.

 

I have no idea how to make a girl feel that for you, though.

[FlyerFan54]

I think "spark" is not totally subconscious because you definitely feel it. You just can't explain why. I would describe it as an intense feeling of being drawn to a person. Magnetic attraction.

 

When I met my husband, I felt it immediately. All other men faded into the background. Initially, I wanted to know everything about him. That progressed into me wanting him sexually, and eventually wanting to have his babies. I suspect the feeling could be biological... the mix of our pheromes alerting me to the fact that he'd be a great genetic match for me. I'd never felt that before. It wasn't anything specific that he did to ignite that feeling in me.

 

We were not compatible, in the sense that we did not share interests. He loves sci fi movies & comics. I love music & art. He likes fast cars. I'd prefer to sail the bay in a boat. He is a people person, I'm more introverted. He loves to have cookouts in the summer, I prefer to relax on the beach. He thinks sports are fixed & all about the $$. I am a Ravens/ O's maniac.

 

22 years later, we still have that connection & bond. We found ways around the compatibility issues. I go see Iron Man with him, and he goes to Ravens games with me. We have three kids in common now. I still feel the sparks, I still want sex with him, I still feel that draw.

 

I have no idea how to make a girl feel that for you, though.

 

Wow.

 

That literally just blew my mind. Maybe I've been looking at this completely wrong.

 

See I've never met a woman that's given me that spark. I've had plenty of women where we've hit if off and have gotten along really well...but no spark.

 

I've always looked for compatible things and allow something to evolve. I always get excited, but even at some point, things with Girl #2 and Girl #3 felt stale or flat....like it wasn't gonna get any better.

 

I know I value compatibilty on a conscious level more than anything else. Maybe it's because I've never felt a spark. I look for certain things when I get to know someone then let it go from there.

 

I tend to beat myself up a bit when things don't work out. Mainly because I feel like I may have done something wrong, or try to figure out why they were not interested.

 

However, this just cleared it up for me...if there's no spark...there's no spark. It simply wasn't meant to be. Now I know things can change and down the road it could happen, but there isn't anything there at that time.

 

I'm only 27, so I am not in any rush at all for any kind of true commitment. But should I begin to pay more attention to something like this?

[Quiet Storm]

Wow.

 

That literally just blew my mind. Maybe I've been looking at this completely wrong.

 

See I've never met a woman that's given me that spark. I've had plenty of women where we've hit if off and have gotten along really well...but no spark.

 

I've always looked for compatible things and allow something to evolve. I always get excited, but even at some point, things with Girl #2 and Girl #3 felt stale or flat....like it wasn't gonna get any better.

 

I know I value compatibilty on a conscious level more than anything else. Maybe it's because I've never felt a spark. I look for certain things when I get to know someone then let it go from there.

 

I tend to beat myself up a bit when things don't work out. Mainly because I feel like I may have done something wrong, or try to figure out why they were not interested.

 

However, this just cleared it up for me...if there's no spark...there's no spark. It simply wasn't meant to be. Now I know things can change and down the road it could happen, but there isn't anything there at that time.

 

I'm only 27, so I am not in any rush at all for any kind of true commitment. But should I begin to pay more attention to something like this?

 

I think issues of compatibility can be worked around as long as both parties are willing to do things that make the other one happy. I don't think shared interests are a necessity. It's great if you like the same things, but I don't think it means as much as an emotional or physical connection.

 

So maybe try dating people you don't necessarily have a lot in common with. Maybe you will find some with someone you wouldn't expect.

 

These women weren't running away from you...they just decided to stop wasting your time. They did you a favor by freeing you up for someone that you may be better suited for.