FlyerFan54 Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 This is a question I've been wanting to get some insight on for some time. I'm 27, and I've done a good amount of dating over the past year. Some were just one-and-done dates, but a few actually went further than that. Most women I date aren't used to the way I treat them. I hold open the car door and help them with their coats. Old-school stuff like that. I won't hide the fact I may be a bit of a doormat (it's just my personality), but for the most part I get the dating game. With three separate women, things were going along smoothly, then suddenly crashed. All in the past 18 months. The first girl I understood, because she opted to move away for an opportunity. It sucked, because we were getting along really well and when things began to get serious, that's when it all ended. She told me I was the nicest guy she ever dated. However, she refused to see me again before she moved. About 6 months later, she traveled back to visit some family, and reached out to me because she wanted to meet up. I found out she refused to see me because she didn't want to develop stronger feelings knowing she had to move away. When we left after meeting up, she had a hard time saying goodbye. To this day, we still talk though. Now that situation, I completely understood. I knew that it wasn't anything that went wrong, just the situation. It's the ones after that had me baffled. The second girl, we had dated for a little over 3 months. We talked everyday, spent a lot of time together, and even became exclusive. One day out of the blue, I woke up to a text that said "I suck at this. You deserve better." I tried to find out what she meant, but she refused to even respond when I asked her. It wasn't until a week later she sent me a text saying "You're an amazing guy, but I'm sorry I just don't have my crap together." It kind of struck me the wrong way, because we had been seeing each other for a while, and there was zero indication that anything was wrong. She literally just upped and ran for the hills. And the most recent girl, we had also talked every day. We hung out a lot and got along really well. For about a month all seemed well. There was zero issue with anything until I told her that I wanted to see her more often. She did agree, but then stopped talking to me unless I said something to her. I completely backed off, and she said that "You're a really great guy, but I have a lot going on and I would feel more comfortable being friends." She said to me that "You're a really great guy. Trust me, a guy as nice and sweet as you isn't that common. But, I don't know when I'll be ready to be anything more than someone's friend." I agreed with her that being friends was fine. In all honesty, it hadn't progressed much further than that...it was still fresh. However, out of the three, she's the only one I had sex with. What threw me off about this one was the fact we talked every day, and when we saw each other she constantly wanted to cuddle with me. It seems she just upped and ran for the hills one day as well. My question is, if I am such a great guy, why do women suddenly run away? It's happened to me on numerous occasions, but these two were the most recent. I understand that they may not be ready for anything, or I am not just a "great guy" for them, but it still confuses me. Why do women date someone, and when all seems well, they suddenly run away? Is there a specific line of thinking that occurs when things begin to get more serious, or does it just depend on the girl?
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 You were too nice. The girls met and started hooking up with guys with an edge. Either adapt your personality or this will keep happening to you. 4
AnniJake Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 Well, let me tell you why it could be one of these things: 1. You might be really cool, but after the girl look further in her relationship with you, she might think that both of you are not gonna get well later or you are not the best choice for her and that cuz of her or cuz of you. 2. You might be nice and everything but your personality after a while became normal to her and couldn't make her feel like you are the man she wanted (To give you example, I have a friend who like me so much, same age, handsome guy, very supportive, very smart, and I know he will be a great father and husband if i marry him and he loves me and keep saying you are the best thing happen to me, but the problem I've never felt anything with him he couldn't attract me only as a friend not as a guy, and you are gonna ask why then girls go out with me in more than one date and they talk to me through phone, well I did the same. Simply, we need friends or maybe sometime we are trying to see if we could feel something. In my case I tried to force myself but I couldn't feel anything toward him, he wasn't bed. He is great but not for me) so they go out with you cuz you are nice and sweet, and they were attract to you at the beginning, but later the sparkling gone. They might try to get that sparkling back, but they couldn't. 1
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 Well, let me tell you why it could be one of these things: 1. You might be really cool, but after the girl look further in her relationship with you, she might think that both of you are not gonna get well later or you are not the best choice for her and that cuz of her or cuz of you. 2. You might be nice and everything but your personality after a while became normal to her and couldn't make her feel like you are the man she wanted (To give you example, I have a friend who like me so much, same age, handsome guy, very supportive, very smart, and I know he will be a great father and husband if i marry him and he loves me and keep saying you are the best thing happen to me, but the problem I've never felt anything with him he couldn't attract me only as a friend not as a guy, and you are gonna ask why then girls go out with me in more than one date and they talk to me through phone, well I did the same. Simply, we need friends or maybe sometime we are trying to see if we could feel something. In my case I tried to force myself but I couldn't feel anything toward him, he wasn't bed. He is great but not for me) so they go out with you cuz you are nice and sweet, and they were attract to you at the beginning, but later the sparkling gone. They might try to get that sparkling back, but they couldn't. tl;dr OP, see what I said as a summary of what she said lol (because we said the same thing in different ways).
todreaminblue Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 what the other two posters said you have to have something under the surface......with every woman there is probably something that she is looking for and that something hasn't been with you .....that doesnt mean some girl out there wont find that something with you..... I have run....quite a few times for different reasons...one of them is i get scared if a guy seems to perfect.....that i am missing something......i run when i catch guys lying before i fall for them.........i run when they think i am perfect because i aint........i run if i think i am going to cause problems for that guy...i run because i feel i dont measure up to what they need....i have run if a guy is rude to waitstaff or rude to others in front of me...every woman who runs has a reason......and every woman who stays has a reason to stay...you just need to not give up and find the one who is right for you......deb
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 what the other two posters said you have to have something under the surface......with every woman there is probably something that she is looking for and that something hasn't been with you .....that doesnt mean some girl out there wont find that something with you..... I have run....quite a few times for different reasons...one of them is i get scared if a guy seems to perfect.....that i am missing something......i run when i catch guys lying before i fall for them.........i run when they think i am perfect because i aint........i run if i think i am going to cause problems for that guy...i run because i feel i dont measure up to what they need....i have run if a guy is rude to waitstaff or rude to others in front of me...every woman who runs has a reason......and every woman who stays has a reason to stay...you just need to not give up and find the one who is right for you......deb LOL this is insane. How's this strategy been working out for you?
todreaminblue Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 LOL this is insane. How's this strategy been working out for you? fine.........considering it was twenty odd years ago and when i was younger..........and i ended up in a fifteen year relationship......blessed with three daughters.......so not so insane.......deb
todreaminblue Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 in saying what i said above...seing i am drawing ridicule already.........when i was younger i had some pretty serious issues surrounding dating men.....me being flighty was one of them ...i gave you reasons why i was flighty back then.....not all of them make a whole lot of sense.... a lot of the time women running from a nice guy isnt logical....doesnt make sense at all to run from a guy who is good to you and who you have a connection with....thats all i am trying to prove...i am not the same i was back then ....i have changed and what i did back then isnt the same now.deb...... 1
carhill Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 OP, perhaps these experiences can be teachers. The next time you're dating or involved with someone and something feels 'off' or you are presented with a 'better' opportunity or feel like being alone, poof on your current dating partner to pursue other opportunities or be alone. Be direct about it, but go with your feelings. It's a brave new world and nothing is forever. Being a good man is no guarantee of a good outcome. No guarantees. Live in the now. Good luck. 2
Imajerk17 Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 (edited) Im confused. It sounds that you've been dating each of the 3 for some time, but you only had sex with one of the girls? You dated Girl #2 for 3 months and didn't have sex with her? That actually might give insight. Anyway yeah, women (people actually) are pretty good actors. Sounds that Girls #2 and #3 especially were trying their best to go along with your relationship but the feelings never came as they hoped they would. I am suspecting they were both hung up on other guys, be it exes or someone else. Edited May 6, 2013 by Imajerk17
pyramid Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 I had a situation where about a month in, I kind of realized that it wasn't a good fit. I suppressed the feelings for a week or so, rationalizing or whatever, and had these constant debates going on in my head. With him, I acted like things were ok when they weren't, and so when I ended it, he was totally caught off guard. It was a terrible way for me to handle it, and I have learned from that experience & haven't repeated it. Anyway, thought that might give you some insight! It seems sudden to you, but probably wasn't to them. 1
HuffmanMontana Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 You were too nice. The girls met and started hooking up with guys with an edge. Either adapt your personality or this will keep happening to you. This is wrong. If you have to pretend to be something you're not to keep a girl you won't be happy. Start thinking about the women you're dating. Maybe being a "doormat" has led you down the path of dating women who don't have their **** together. Maybe you're attracted to those who need help.
clia Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 I think you need to view it less as they were "running away" from you and more that they decided they didn't want to continue to date you anymore. This getting to know a person and weeding them out is what dating is about and is common for both men and women. Even if they think you are a great guy, you weren't the one for them for whatever reason. The "it's not you, it's me" is a commonly easy way to break up with someone without telling them the truth. It's likely there were other reasons why they didn't want to continue seeing you. It's worth noting the point in the timeline when this happened: one month in and three months in. At the one month point, you've (typically) gone out with the person 4-8 times, and have gotten to know them beyond a superficial level. This is when the question of exclusivity may begin to rear its head. It's not uncommon for a person to decide that they've seen enough and do not want to continue the relationship. They may think you are a great guy, but maybe they aren't feeling the spark, might have met someone else they like better, don't care for certain things about your personality, or whatever. Three months is when "I love you" may start to arise. This is a turning point in relationships, and may mark the end of (or beginning of the end of) the honeymoon phase, where you are starting to get to know the real person without the haze of the butterflies and infatuation. This is when you really start to see the flaws and begin to realize that your knight in shining armor isn't always such a knight. It is also not an uncommon point in time for a person to decide that they aren't that into it and don't want to continue the relationship. 3
mortensorchid Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 It's a classic story that I wish there were good / better answers for. Nice guys / girls always finish last. I wish life was better than this nonsense but unfortunately for all of us that's how it is. If it makes you feel any better, you are not alone in this. You could be going at a completely drama free, stable pace in life and women go for those who have lots of drama and unstable relationships. Everyone has different reasons and whatever else that make others not click, but keep these points in mind (based on what you have said about these three women in question): 1) If they say they do not deserve you, believe them - SOme will say this directly, some will say it indirectly or with an attitude. It will also come with the cruelest of cruel come backs of "I'm going to get another gf/bf". If and when they say this, believe them and let them go. They are saying that they don't want to be with you because you are too good for them, and IT's TRUE. A real woman who deserves a good man accepts good gesture, a real man who deserves a good women will also. 2) Drama / Bad Boy/Girl - This is an age old question as to why it is that women go for bad boys. But don't judge too quick, as there are plenty of men out there who go for bad girls as well. The answer to both of these why questions is because the woman/man in question is looking to live vicariously through the other. Often times the good party was/is repressed growing up and look to live their own tendancies or wants to be bad through the other who is obviously bad. We get off on drama because we had very little before. 3) Change - I never cease to be amazed at how many people I know who have reached a certain point in their lives and still think that they can change another. The fact of the matter is that you can't. It will take a long effort on your part to truly come to this conclusion, but you must also either accept the fact that others are not going to change and they can do whatever they want with or without you by their side. Whatever the case may be, they're not going to change and you can do whatever you like as well. 3
crederer Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 (edited) Your girl #2 sounded like my ex. We were together a year, I treated her as good as any guy could treat a girl. She was constantly telling me how lucky she is, I'm the best guy she's dated. Then we start talking about moving in together. After we looked at a few apartments she said "maybe we should put this off a while" then a few weeks later it was "we need to start hanging out with our friends seperately more" which I was fine with as I brought it up before. We were spending every hour of every day together outside of work practically. Then a few weeks after that, it was "it's not you it's me". I know she's going to date a few guys that are jerks, realize what she had, and want to get back (this has happened to me a few times, as the dumper, however) but I'm probably going to be with another girl at that point anyways. And then she'll say to her friends "how come I can't find a good guy?" I've thought about adjusting my behaviour but it just isn't me and I feel like I'm forcing things. I'll eventually find someone who likes it I guess. Edited May 6, 2013 by crederer more info 1
todreaminblue Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 Basically run away from problems instead of solving them. that is exactly what i did....i ran in avoidance....not so smart a thing to do.....problems were still there...i was the one who had them and eventually.....had to deal with them..deb
todreaminblue Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 The problem when you run away from problems you take you with you so it will always resurface sooner or later. Sorry perhaps I was a little bit too blunt. I'm been guilty of this too in the past. thats ok, i don't mind bluntness you weren't rude.......I cant say i regret my past if i did regret it would made all the good things i have done been and seen insignificant........i was so scared when i was younger of being hurt....or manipulated.......in the end running didnt stop save me from anything...that fifteen year relationship was not an easy one...i do regret hurting nice guys.......its not something i would repeat...i have come a long way..i stand my ground now even if i am scared....thanks for your apology....you said nothing wrong....hugs..deb
hudson701 Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 in saying what i said above...seing i am drawing ridicule already.........when i was younger i had some pretty serious issues surrounding dating men.....me being flighty was one of them ...i gave you reasons why i was flighty back then.....not all of them make a whole lot of sense.... a lot of the time women running from a nice guy isnt logical....doesnt make sense at all to run from a guy who is good to you and who you have a connection with....thats all i am trying to prove...i am not the same i was back then ....i have changed and what i did back then isnt the same now.deb...... I have to ask this.....I've been reading your posts for some time now.......Why do you use so many...... Full......... Stops....... To....... Break...... Up......... Your......... Sentences.......???? 1
serial muse Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 (edited) This getting to know a person and weeding them out is what dating is about and is common for both men and women. ... It's worth noting the point in the timeline when this happened: one month in and three months in. At the one month point, you've (typically) gone out with the person 4-8 times, and have gotten to know them beyond a superficial level. This is when the question of exclusivity may begin to rear its head. It's not uncommon for a person to decide that they've seen enough and do not want to continue the relationship. Three months is when "I love you" may start to arise. This is a turning point in relationships, and may mark the end of (or beginning of the end of) the honeymoon phase, where you are starting to get to know the real person without the haze of the butterflies and infatuation. This was my take too. It's tempting to read the OP's self-assessment as "a bit of a doormat" and assume he's doing something wrong and fall back on the nice guy trope, but...not all dating situations turn into long-term things. One out of three isn't such a bad ratio, actually (granted, we don't know what would have happened with that other woman, but she did call you when she was back in town, so she liked what you were presentin'). I've had similar stretches in the past where yeah, you start to wonder if there's a 3-month wall or something...and then something pans out for longer, and you realize it's just the ebb and flow of dating people and it's all too easy to manufacture a trend when you're really just feeling insecure. That said, I wondered a bit about the sex, too. Three months seems like a long time to date with no sex. Edited May 6, 2013 by serial muse 1
todreaminblue Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 (edited) I have to ask this.....I've been reading your posts for some time now.......Why do you use so many...... Full......... Stops....... To....... Break...... Up......... Your......... Sentences.......???? they aren't full stops they are ellipses.......and ...i have no idea......why i over use ellipses.....it feels right it controls my tangents to a certain degree..... here you go i will write in full sentences for you... I have always wrote online with ellipses, I can if I concentrate, use full sentences with proper punctuation, but while I am writing these full sentences with proper punctuation, I am thinking more about where to place a comma instead of my racing thoughts which are chock full of content. i write about half of what I am thinking. When I write like this it becomes more about the method than the content of my posts, I am blessed to have met people on here , who overlook the way I post and my overuse of ellipses( that I use to separate chains of thoughts I have) who have been warm and inviting, who have shown me understanding for the way i post, and i appreciate them and their understanding. I try to write all the chains in one post,many tangents, this post I haven't, that is why when i finish this post ,I will go back to posting how I normally do. if ever you find a post of mine you don't understand, if I confuse you, I will be happy to try and un thread it for you, if i bother you so completely, you can choose to ignore my posts, I know some people do My posts are for people who want to read them, not for those who feel they have to,just because i have written them, I would hope I have been able to help people who have an interest in what I have to post, if any one doesn't understand what i have written, I would always try again the ignore function is for any person you find annoying, if i annoy you,I do realize that could be me, you can ignore me..i wish you well.................deb psssssssssssssssssssst I apologise to the op for taking this off topic.....the topic being about women who run..........deb Edited May 6, 2013 by todreaminblue
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 This is wrong. If you have to pretend to be something you're not to keep a girl you won't be happy. Start thinking about the women you're dating. Maybe being a "doormat" has led you down the path of dating women who don't have their **** together. Maybe you're attracted to those who need help. So being lame and letting the girl walk all over you is a good idea if this is your natural personality? Thanks for the insight, bro. I've been doing it all wrong.
lino Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 You were too nice. The girls met and started hooking up with guys with an edge. Either adapt your personality or this will keep happening to you. This is pretty much it unfortunately. You were used as the stepping stone in between the guys she really wants... I've been that guy several times I was also the very chivalrous type like you and still am... Just not with women I'm romantically interested in. 2
Author FlyerFan54 Posted May 7, 2013 Author Posted May 7, 2013 I had a situation where about a month in, I kind of realized that it wasn't a good fit. I suppressed the feelings for a week or so, rationalizing or whatever, and had these constant debates going on in my head. With him, I acted like things were ok when they weren't, and so when I ended it, he was totally caught off guard. It was a terrible way for me to handle it, and I have learned from that experience & haven't repeated it. Anyway, thought that might give you some insight! It seems sudden to you, but probably wasn't to them. That pretty much seems like what happened straight up. That would make complete sense for both of them. Both women at the time had been single for a while (over a year), so it wasn't being about hung up on another guy. I feel the spark may have fallen off with both of them. It became normal. But yet again, I'm fine with that. It wasn't meant to be and there was no reason to drag things on.
Author FlyerFan54 Posted May 7, 2013 Author Posted May 7, 2013 Clia! Excellent perspective! That actually answers a lot of questions. Now that it's been laid out in plain english, they're not "running away." They simply lost interest. I never thought of it as far as the time line, but that makes complete sense. No reason to drag something on if you're not feeling it. I would do the same thing, but tell them straight up that I'm not feeling a spark. I guess it's just the different of the approach that I needed to understand.
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