Hope82 Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 I had been dating the man of my dreams for 3 months last year when he proposed. Everything was wonderful, I thought he was "the one", and we were on our way to getting married. Yes, in hindsight it was way too soon. Another 4 wonderful months passed, and then one day he woke up and, out of the blue, said he didn't want to get married. He felt trapped, he didn't feel like himself, and he didn't want to be in a relationship. He said he never got to do the things he wanted to do. The thing is, I always asked what he wanted to do, and I always showed care and concern for his feelings, and always encouraged him to do what he wanted. He always said that he was happy. Either way, he dropped off the planet. I was devastated. Canceled our wedding plans (it was 3 months away), and had to explain this to everyone I knew. He came back a few weeks later and wanted to work on things, and I agreed. We'd just go back to dating. Then about a week after that, he dropped off the planet again. Said he couldn't do it. Again, I was devastated. Fast forward 3 more months down the road. He began calling, emailing, sending letters, sending gifts in the mail. He realized he made a mistake and that he was just afraid of jumping into marriage too soon. I told him to get lost, but he continued to try. Finally, five months later, after I had been seeing a really nice guy, I couldn't help but still wonder about the one who left. He had crushed me, yes, but I believed he was a good person and just got himself in too deep. I could reason with it because it WAS too fast. We shouldn't have been getting married so quickly. Anyway, I ended up getting back together with him because I loved him. I agreed to try, on the condition that we went to counseling and worked through things. We agreed that we would date and take things slowly and just enjoy each other's company. Counseling went very well, and we discussed that the root of the problem is that he is a "people pleaser". Everything he does/says/acts is all based around that. He puts the needs of others before his, until he becomes resentful and explodes. We discussed in counseling that his needs are important, and discussed different ways that we would work to make sure he's not falling into any people pleasing patterns. The thing is, I'm not even the "taker" type. I try to understand his feelings and show him love and affection. We also discussed that it would take time for me to trust that he won't leave again without warning. It was going to be a struggle, but we were committed to fixing it and being together. Anyway, we've been back together for four months now, and it's been great. We've communicated better than ever - or so I thought. This week, I asked him how things were going, and if he felt like we were on a good path in our relationship. I hadn't "checked in" with him in a while, so I thought I would make an effort just to make sure things were good in the neighborhood. He said they were. He asked me if I thought things were good, and I said they were. I said that I still have some moments where I get insecure, but that they pass much more quickly now, and they aren't nearly as frequent as they were in the beginning. I said that I think we're on the right track. My saying that ignited a week-long battle. He said that I only said that to make him feel bad, and that he will not feel bad any longer. Over the course of the week, he said that I don't care about him, that I don't know who he really is, that he is afraid of me because he can't share himself with me, that he's never been happy with me, that he has lost himself, that he feels trapped, he doesn't do anything he wants, and that he's done and he needs to get out of the relationship and start taking care of himself. All of this hurt. Bad. I feel that I always ask him what he wants to do, and then he answers, and then we do it. But apparently he says that he just answers the way I want him to. But here I always thought that he REALLY actually did want to do those things. Also, I have a fairly busy schedule, so we don't see each other every day, more like 4ish days per week right now. On top of that, I encourage him to hang out with his friends or family any time. I love this guy very much, but I am at my wits end. I've now been dumped three times, and all I've done is try to be happy with him. I've shown him affection in all the ways I know how. I've been concerned about his feelings and thoughts. And he tells me all the time how happy he is, and how wonderful things are. And now this. Why do I keep trying to repair things? I guess I just feel like he's special, he's such a good hearted person. I just wish he could understand that I want to work through this with him. But now he's vanished from Earth again, and I feel like I need to respect myself and really walk away this time. It just hurts, because somehow I'm left wondering what I could've done differently. In this case, my gut is telling me that no matter what I did, this was just a ticking time bomb. Also, it's sad that this recent freak out happened a year to the DAY as the freak out where he canceled our engagement and disappeared. Same day. He's also in his mid-30's, and I've learned that the few previous relationships that he's had, he's broken off with no warning because "she was taking advantage of him and didn't care about him." I guess he's adding me to that list now, too. Sad, confused, and shocked. Again.
aisuru Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 Oh man, I'm so sorry. What a roller coaster you've been on. Maybe he's just used to turmoil and chaos in his relationships? There are people like that. They don't know how to have a calm happy relationship and create the turmoil. I don't know. I'm afraid I don't have any advice here except to step back and take care of you. I'm sorry.
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