Flailing.......

[selfsabotager]

Ok, this is going to sound crazy, but I'm a month out of a 6 month relationship and I'm struggling.

 

I notoriously attract bad boys who are no good for me, so when a breakup normally comes my way, I get a little sad, but bounce back quickly. This one was different. He was a self-proclaimed "nice guy" and treated me very well. Is this why this is the worst break-up I've ever had?

 

We met via Match.com and he surprised me from minute one. Good looking, educated, firefighter/paramedic, great dad, divorced for 2 years, but very, very involved with his children. He never left me guessing, always called when he said he would, always made plans for our next date before our current date was over and made me a priority. Two weeks into dating, he asked if I was seeing anyone else, to which I replied, "No. Are you?" He also indicated that he was not, but we didn't have the "commitment" talk; however, we were planning a trip together to San Francisco. About a week later, I received a call from him cancelling our date 2 days later and acting "off". I knew immediately that something was up. Two days later, I received only two texts that morning (down from numerous texts throughout the day), which further confirmed my suspicions. My "spidey senses" got the best of me and I drove by his house and saw a car parked in front of his house where I normally park when visiting. I knew immediately it was either his ex-wife or his ex-girlfriend. The next day, I asked out of curiosity what kind of car his ex-wife drove and it didn't match. Then asked if his ex-girlfriend drove an Audi. Surprise, surprise, she did. Later that evening, I told him that I had driven by and what I had saw, but he denied that the person was there for him.....must have been someone else in the neighborhood. Needless to say, we had "the talk" the next day and we were then in a committed relationship. I told him at that point that regardless of what he did, I wanted to move forward with him.

 

A month later, we were in Vegas and I snooped in his phone (my self-sabotaging ways hard at work). He finally confirmed that the car had been his ex-girlfriend's, but he was over her and wanted to be with me. He begged, pleaded and cried for me to stay and said that he had nothing to hide. His phone was open for me to look at anytime. I have to tell you, I'm a highly distrusting person as is, so this only made me 100 times worse; however, the fact that he was willing to open his phone up to me anytime I wanted did give me some solace. He also promised to let his ex know the next time she contacted him that he was in a relationship.

 

A month after that, my "spidey senses" kicked in again and I caught him in a lie about his contacting his ex again. Additionally, he still did NOT tell her about our relationship. I ended up contacting her (I was very, very nice and apologetic to her) to find out what the real story was (at his behest......guess he thought I wouldn't actually text her) and she admitted she had no idea that I existed. She assured me that she would never have anything to do with him anymore after the lies he told her. Because I again didn't believe him about how often he had been contacting her, he opened up his phone bills to me. I was SHOCKED that immediately after committing to me two months earlier, he left my house and called her......not once or twice, but numerous times over the next month. Of course he can't remember those conversations, but I was hurt and horrified.

 

I also discovered how often he and his ex-wife talk each day. 10 - 20 texts/calls each and every day. Yes they have kids, but I have a child, also, and rarely need to speak to her father.....and we share 50/50 custody. At no time would I ever think to call him 10 - 20 times a day. If I did, he'd probably file a restraining order....lol.

 

Over the next month, I noticed the frequency of the contact with his ex-wife more and more. As I met more friends and family, they would ask how the ex was. We went on a cruise with his family and his sister-in-law would ask questions about his ex on a daily basis with no regard to the fact that I was sitting right there. Literally daily, often numerous times a day. Imagine me being stuck on the ship with nowhere to run!

 

After the cruise, I found additional items that made me super uncomfortable: his ex-wife has a key to his mom's house (where he was temporarily living while waiting to purchase his new house); that his name was still on her car; that his name was still on her timeshare and many, many other items; she would call him to ask where to service her car; to inform him of happenings in his family, etc.. When I brought to his attention how uncomfortable all of this made me, he assured me that he would set some boundaries with her. Then one night she text me to tell him that some freeways were shut down and to let him know so he wouldn't be late to work. Um, are you two still married?

 

At this point, enough was enough. I told him that I could no longer do this anymore. That without boundaries, I knew I couldn't handle the relationship the way it was, etc. He begged me to stay. "Don't throw away all we have." "Don't throw away our future." Because we have children, because I loved him and believed in our future, because we had discussed moving in together and eventually marriage, because everything else worked, I gave in.

 

One month later, almost to the day, he broke up with me. I caught him in several lies after the fact and, because he was caught, he was furious with me. Granted my tactics in catching him in these lies were questionable and I regret them, but he lied nonetheless.

 

For 8 days after he dumped me, I, regrettably, begged for him back, told him to remember all we had, not to throw everything away. Besides his co-dependent relationship with his ex-wife (whom I actually liked very much, just was uncomfortable with some of the contact and frequency with which they spoke) and his lies about his ex-g/f, EVERYTHING else worked. Our parenting tactics, finances, likes, wants, etc., were all aligned. Our children loved each other and each of us. He was so angry with me he told me he NEVER, EVER wanted to be with me again. I called once more 5 days later to apologize, but did not ask for him back. Just asked to think about all we shared and to please one day forgive me. He screamed and yelled at me that he was so much happier without me, to not call or text him anymore and to move on.

 

Last week, just over 3 weeks since we broke up and 9 days after we last spke, I drove past his new house (that he picked out for our family), and his ex-g/f was there. Yes, the same ex g/f that he slept with 3 weeks into our dating, he was now sleeping with 3 weeks outside of our dating.

 

I AM DEVASTATED. Was it all a lie? Did he talk to her the whole time we were together? Was I a filler? Are they back together? So many things are running through my head. He told me he would never go back to her. "She looks like a man. She's ugly. She's said horrible things about me. She doesn't want to be with me. Why would I go back?" Their relationship was only 10 months long with the last 3 months consisting of fighting. They broke up 2 months before we started dating because she wouldn't prioritize him and his children into her life and chose to bar-hop instead. I ALWAYS put him and his children first.....even before myself and he often told me that I was so special for doing that and that I made him feel special

 

More background: he broke up with ex-gf and two weeks later was sleeping with his ex-wife, which they ultimately ended after a week together. His pattern is that he CANNOT be alone and always goes back to his ex.

 

The man I've seen the last month is NOT the man I knew. He has been cold, cruel, calculating and hurtful. He is not a Facebook person AT ALL, yet went to his Facebook and got rid of all of our pics (untagged himself) from our time together. It's as though I never existed.

 

I have not talked to him now for 12 days, but I do not seem to be getting better. I enrolled in relationship therapy given my trust issues and my self-sabotaging ways. I obviously have blame in this, but was given reason not to trust; however, I want to fix myself for the future.......these problems have been going on far too long for me to not fix them.

 

At the end of the day, I know he has a good heart, I just feel like he tells people what they want to hear instead of what's really on his mind. Maybe he really never loved me, but thought that's what I wanted to hear?

 

I guess I'll never hear from him again, which hurts because I saw how often he contacted his ex g/f after they broke up. I know this was long and rambling and all over the place, but it matches my thoughts right now. Any insight or advice as to how to move forward would be appreciated. Thanks for reading.

[blrbkr85]

I don't think you would ever be able to trust this guy and quite frankly I think he's a user. Drop him. I know that is rather blunt, but I don't see anything good from coming out of this.

 

I wish you well.

[selfsabotager]

Totally understand your perspective on it; however, not really sure what he used me for. He introduced me to his children, his family, his friends, took me on family vacations, etc., I didn't feel used.