When the Love Bank is a bottomless pit

[moimeme]

Ever been in a situation where you are constantly making 'deposits'; being kind and loving and supportive and doing nice things and saying nice things and being concerned, etc etc etc, only to find that none of it has even been noticed?

 

That the one day you maybe slip up and actually make a 'withdrawal' of your own because you can't be perfectly perfect all the time and it's as though you never put any 'deposits' in at all? That no matter how many good or nice or kind things you do, none of them manage to outweigh a few ill-chosen words or a touch of abruptness?

 

Are there some people just programmed to have 'confirmation bias' that zeroes in on the slightest flaw and passes completely over heaps and heaps of good you do?

[Anais]

How about the bank was a wrong one and it doesn’t mean that the same will happen with the next bank?

 

Have you noticed as long as you are kind to some people you are ignored, unnoticed. As soon you start answering them with the same; they come to you.

One day when you decide not to greet the person who was not answering your greetings every morning and turning face: magic happens! The person starts treating you like never. Running to reach you to shake your hand…I guess it is very human.

 

Are there really “negative” and “positive” people in this world?

[Adunaphel]

It happened to me also, and it's pretty unpleasant.

 

I also was once in the situation where I was doing all the said "deposits", and I was told by my SO (while we were discussing) that I'm always asking support/attention/understanding/affection but I'm giving none. I said that I didn't think it was true(I was pretty upset, it *sucks* being told something like that), and he asked me "give me some examples of when you actually did something for me".

how are you supposed to behave when you get a request like that?

I don't think that asking examples of when someone has been supportive/loving is fair play.

You either actually make a list of exemples (and end up looking pathetic, like you keep tracks of when you act nice towards your so, or you usually spend your time reminding people that you were nice to them) or you don't make any examples out of decency and let your so win the argument.

 

Some time ago I was reading one of John Gray's books (if I remember well, I think you read them) - there is a chapter where the author explains that men and women 'keep scores' in a different way, and it is stated that some men (but I guess many ladies do it too) sometimes might take away a lot of the "points" you scored on behalf of a single action on your part that hurt them. It was also said that men might take a lot of points away from you for a small reason (but that they are also quick to give those points back to you).

 

I am not sure I agree with that theory, but I was wondering if the situation you described (all your deposits becoming a 'bankrupcy situation' the one single time you slip up) could relate to it.

[moimeme]

Are there really “negative” and “positive” people in this world?

 

Well, apparently some folks are born behind the eight ball:

"Families members," Baker reports, "resembled each other more in their levels of unhappiness than in their levels of happiness." And identical twins were much closer than fraternal twins in unhappiness, a finding that implies a genetic component.

http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1175/is_n7-8_v23/ai_7983843

 

I was wondering if the situation you described could relate to it.

 

It sure does. I'd forgotten that part of Grey.

 

all your deposits becoming a 'bankrupcy situation' the one single time you slip up

 

Great description!

[savethedrama4allama]

There are some people out there who can never have enough deposits in their love bank. They may have dependent personality disorder or borderline personality disorder, but you can never love them enough. Likewise, every little mistake you may make is recorded and focused on to the point of exhaustion. But those deposits into the love bank...forgotten.

 

Well moi I sincerely hope that your sig. other does not have a problem as deep as this and is just in a funk. But know that there are people who can never be fulfilled or loved enough, and that isn't your fault.

[brashgal]

If it becomes a pattern, sounds like it is time to reevaluate the relationship. You are a very direct person, if this person expects you to be perfect 100% of the time or is at all thin-skinned, I predict hard times ahead.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Agreed Moi.

 

But on the flip side of that coin, what I have observed the most about human behavior is: that while it is easier to remember each and every injustice suffered by us at the hands of another, we are quick to dismiss (or even forget) the injuries we have caused to another. We never keep very good track of our own withdrawals, and often become angry and defensive when someone points out a discrepancy in our balance.

 

When it comes to love and interpersonal relationships…we humans, by nature, are crooked little accountants who consistently doctor the books in our own favor.

 

Care to take a check?

[ladyangel]

I think that people in general, some more than others, are not very adept at recognizing their own weaknesses and flaws. A lot of times they also don't realize that the tone of their voice or the manner in which they speak to someone, whether consciously or unconsciously, can affect whether their comments or actions, no matter how well-intentioned by them, are viewed by another person; in other words, whether that person feels they are deposits, withdrawals or just status quo.

 

If someone thinks they are doing me a favor or telling me something for my own good, it loses its positive effect (or deposit) if they are doing it in a way that does not appear positive to me. It is hard to be receptive to someone if what they are giving you is not what you want.

 

I think everyone has their own interpretation of what is positive (deposit) and what is negative (withdrawal). In a relationship, it is not up to us to determine whether what we are doing should be a deposit or a withdrawal. That is left to the interpretation of the other person. If they feel hurt or cheated, then that will affect the relationship. If they tell us how they feel and why, it is up to us to work on that aspect of our behavior IF we want to continue the relationship.

 

I don't think there is anyone who would put you into bankruptcy for one single mistake or one bad day. It's more likely a culmination of many things that the person has been biting their tongue about.

[moimeme]

Thanks for concerns, folks, it's mainly idle pondering on my part. I was reminded elsehow today that people who have been let down very often develop a very sensitive radar for the slightest hint that it might happen again, particularly if they were surprised unpleasantly when they were let down.

 

Some of my own buddies have developed sensitive radar against things and I've talked them down from visiting sins of people before on new people. It's hard to quit, though. If you've been wounded a fair bit, it's only natural to duck and call out all defenses if it seems that might be about to happen again.

 

With respect to the discussion about inadvertent damage, I agree it can happen, but that is exactly why it is that we know people and give them the benefit of the doubt - or at least I sure hope people do that! When people I know to be decent people who are fond of me are crabby or short or bad-tempered, I don't get mad or injured, I know that people get grumpy when they feel rotten and so I give them the benefit of the doubt. Doesn't everybody do that?

 

Now obviously if someone is forever bad-tempered and grouchy and mean it's a different story, but if it happens only rarely, one hopes people give each other a break sometimes!

 

As for my LS persona, yep, I'm direct. I don't couch what I'm going to say in numerous paragraphs of text because it's tiring and I figure people just want to hear the gist anyway. In person, I can see and hear someone and I usually know their history and sore spots, which I avoid. When there are hundreds of people reading, inevitably someone will misconstrue what a person writes.

 

Sooner or later, if you're around enough, you hit a sore spot you didn't know one person had that nobody else has. Either that person knows you aren't mean or venomous and that you inadvertently hit a spot you couldn't have known about or else they expect you to understand them so totally that you should have known, and avoided, stepping on the bruise you didn't know they had and they decide to hate you or hold a grudge.

 

So you can never say anything, because there will always be someone who takes what you say the wrong way, or you go ahead knowing you mean only the best and hope that people will understand that about you.

And I believe I've said it before, but I still can't get my head around why my opinion would matter one way or another to anybody. I'm just words on a page. If I help, wonderful. If not, ignore me.

[Merin]

Just some observations I've made.....

 

1) While it is so great for others to think you're wonderful and say you're wonderful, isn't it interesting that it is the one person who says otherwise about us, that we think of often.

 

2) When you get great service at a restaraunt, retail store, sales call via the phone, you will be pleased.... but it is that one jackass that doesn't give you great service or is rude on the phone that you tell all your friends about.

 

I think that most people take for granted the nice and good things that people offer or give in our lives.... maybe we just expect it from them or have become complacent..... but when someone hurts your feelings or makes you really angry, that gets your attention.

[moimeme]

Really? Hm. Me, I try to forget bad stuff ASAP and remember the good stuff because I'm a wuss and don't like to feel bad. Remembering bad stuff just makes me feel worse so, as long as it's over with, particularly if it's someone doing something unpleasant to me just because, I sure don't want to dwell on it. It's bad enough when it happens that I don't want to have it any more than that.

 

Why would people mull over bad stuff?

[Merin]

Originally posted by moimeme

Really? Hm. Me, I try to forget bad stuff ASAP and remember the good stuff because I'm a wuss and don't like to feel bad. Remembering bad stuff just makes me feel worse so, as long as it's over with, particularly if it's someone doing something unpleasant to me just because, I sure don't want to dwell on it. It's bad enough when it happens that I don't want to have it any more than that.

 

Why would people mull over bad stuff?

 

Maybe it's just me..........

 

It isn't that I only remember the bad things that happen in my life, however I when someone says something mean about me, or hurts my feelings, it stays with me. I don't dwell on it, but from time to time I will recall something that has happened that wasn't all together pleasant.

 

And it has also been said that if you give bad customer service to only one person that it has far reaching effects, because the person who had the bad experiance is likely to tell at least 10 other people what happened, then those 10 will 10....

[Craig]

Are there some people just programmed to have 'confirmation bias' that zeroes in on the slightest flaw and passes completely over heaps and heaps of good you do?

 

Yes. The Personality Disordered comes to mind. Why else would anyone overlook massive good, inflate the significance of a tiny flaw and give it far more attention than it deserves?

[Thinkalot]

Interesting discussion. I have found myself in the same position (making many desposits, only to be noticed when I slip up sometimes)... I think though, that I have also been on the other side...noticing the bad things, and taking the good things for granted. Always need to do a reality check when I realise that has happened.

[Anais]

I think it is just normal. Imagine going to a restaurant that serves you really good every day. Good price for great food.

But once you get the dead fly in your meal! Many will freak out. No time to remember about the other day good service.

[moimeme]

I still remember great meals I had years ago

 

I think I'd be pretty unhappy if I had to deal with someone who always looked on the grim side of life and remembered the ills done to them. Actually, I work with someone like that and, while she's nice to me, I'm glad of the days she's not there just to get a break from the negative outlook. Which would include someone who didn't or couldn't notice the bank deposits.

[Thinkalot]

No doubt about it, some people have a more positive outlook than others. I have had to work on making myself more positive. My fiance often kids that I can be too negative, and I try to take that on board!